Newsflash

Sometimes I think about tweeting or posting on facebook, "Hey Tyson!  Sorry you're such a faggot."  But then I think to myself, "Why should I be sorry?  GO SUCK A BIG ONE, TYSON!"  That's usually followed by a string of profanities I don't have the guts to post on the internet.  

I still hate Tyson, in case you were wondering.

Wade is still awesome.  More and more awesome with every passing day.  

For Tyson

For Wade

I can't help falling

Here I am, nearly two weeks after texting Wade for the first time since the summer.  We've talked every single day since then, with the length of time continuing to get longer, and longer.  Last night we skyped for two hours and then texted for another two hours.  My sleeping habits have gone out the window, just in time for finals.

What does it even mean, though?  Here is a guy who lives hundreds of miles away from me, who has his own plan for his life and as of right now, it doesn't include me.  I've got my own plans, which will keep me here in Idaho for another year and a half at the very least.  I don't want to do long distance.  Even the thought of it makes me want to throw up and then curl up in a corner and cry.

I'm the kind of girl who wants to be held.  I want to hold hands and go places together and kiss him whenever I want.  I've done long distance before and it's so hard.  I don't want that with Wade.  If he and I were to date, I'd want to relocate, or bring him out to Idaho.  I'd want it to happen instantly, not sometime down the road.  I don't want to wait.  I'm ready for something real.

I'm ready to leave Tyson and fear behind.  I'm ready to fall in love.  Bring it, Wade.  Continue to make me fall. We can make this work.

Back to Wade

This has been a week full of skype dates and phone calls.  Apparently what BYU-Idaho has to offer just isn't enough for me.

Matilda is such a good friend.  Not having her in Idaho is probably the worst thing about being at school right now (followed closely by the -3 degree weather we had this past week.)  But we still talk and keep each other updated on our lives.  Somehow, from thousands of miles away, she still manages to be my wingman.

At this point, I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to let myself really feel for Wade, since I know from past experience that he can get freaked out easily.  And, truth be told, I'm still a little scared to open myself up to him.  I don't want to have a repeat situation of Tyson.  It's been a long time since I've even talked to Tyson, but it still scares me to death that someone, like Wade, is going to make his way into my heart and head but then leave.  It's terrifying.  But I've really got nothing to lose, so I might as well give it a shot.

Here goes nothin'.  Wish me luck.

Oh geeze

Last night I was super bored and a little down about Isaac and his new squeeze.  I texted Wade for the first time since August with a casual, "It's been awhile, how's it hangin'?" type text.  Now we have a skype date this weekend.  I have to admit, putting myself out there every now and then feels pretty good.  All I had to do was shoot him a simple text and he did the rest of the work for me.  Why does he have to live in another state?

In other news, my roommates are whores.  Seriously, I've never met girls who've made out with 10+ guys in one semester.  I'm puzzled as to how one can feel satisfied with that.  Making out is fun, I completely understand that (um, hello, remember Daniel?) but isn't one guy enough?  Doesn't it get old after awhile?  Don't you want something with more commitment than just a night or two of cuddling and kissing?  Every week they put me to shame, causing me to question whether or not I have any claim at all in calling this blog Confessions of a Mormon Skank.  Maybe I ought to invite them to be guest bloggers...

And so I press on.

A few days ago I found out that Isaac wasted no time with this girl and is now dating her.

I'm not really sure how I thought I would feel when he got a girlfriend, but it certainly wasn't this.  When I first found out, it was like a punch in the gut.  Now I can't do anything by lay in my bed and think about whether or not I made the right decision in not telling him how I feel.

But really, when it comes down to it, I made the right decision.  Not only did he not see anything there on his own, but over the past week or so I've come to see my own value and appreciate what it is that I have to offer.  I've accepted that Isaac just isn't the guy for me and that I don't need to be upset about him liking some other girl.  Big deal.  It happens all the time here at BYU-Idaho.  Everyone is dating everyone and, often the person you want to date is dating someone else.  Get over it, move on.

I need someone to distract me.

Nope

Maybe it was the time away from Isaac, maybe it was the time I spent singing Blame it on the Rain in the car over and over during the break, but something clicked in my head.  I am not going to wait around for Isaac to one day wake up and realize that I'm the perfect girl for him.

I'm so into this guy, it's ridiculous.  I'm pining after someone who's pining after some other pretty girl at school.  Why?  Why am I wasting time on him?  I think it's because I want someone to set my sights on, somewhere to put my focus.  He's a good guy, he's handsome, he's funny.  I enjoy his company more than pretty much anyone.  I feel comfortable with him.  However, I feel as though I'm not doing anything of any worth here.

When I was in love with Tyson, I did most of the work in the relationship.  I spent forever trying to get him to respond to what I was doing, which he ended up doing, even if it was reluctantly.  I'm a sucker for begging for attention.  I'm a sucker for falling for the guy who doesn't want to beg for my attention.  Why?

I'm done with it.  If Isaac wants to chase other girls, by all means he may, but I'm not going to sit around pining for him.  That book is closing

     

Kickin' it in the friend zone

After a long battle with myself over what to do about Isaac, I came to an epiphany today.

Isaac is over the girl he was chasing for a while.  He's got his sight set on someone new already.  He's gaining confidence as far as asking girls out, so it's not like he's hiding behind his fear of rejection anymore.  What does this mean for me?  He's not chasing me.  He's not trying to take me out on a date.  Despite inviting me over to watch movies, he's not coming onto me in a romantic way, it's purely friendship.

What do I stand to gain from telling him that I've been harboring this crush pretty much since I met him?  At this point, nothing.  At this point, I'm so far in the friend zone that telling him I like him would be the equivalent of strapping a bomb to myself and walking over to his apartment to detonate.  It would be a willing destruction of his view of me and my integrity as a woman,

Am I going to tell Isaac that I've been jonesing for his affection these past couple months?  No.  I'm going to wait it out.  I'm going to be the friend that's by his side, supporting him and making him laugh.  I'm going to be the perfect best friend.  If he realizes that I like him, good for him, maybe then we can date.  If he doesn't, oh well.

The point is, I'm worth more than blurting out my feelings for someone just to get a chance when they didn't even notice me before.  I shouldn't have to shout my affections from the rooftop just to be recognized as a player in the game.  If he's smart, he'll realize that I'm one of the best things to ever happen to him.  If he's not, that he'll miss out on something great and I'll end up with someone who's worth my time.

I am Leslie.  I'm worth a guy's full attention.  Let's face it, I'm a pretty rad girl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRISG6pZIoc&ob=av2e

Gettin' serious

It's official, I'm changing my dating views from just having fun, to getting serious and finding someone to settle down with.  I don't know if it's because I'm here at school and marriage is everywhere, that I'm realizing all my friends are either married or having babies, or if I'm just growing up and becoming more mature along the way.  Whatever the cause, I'm finally ready to admit to myself that yes, I'm at BYU-Idaho to find a husband.

This doesn't mean I'm going to marry the first guy that comes along, don't get me wrong.  Marriage isn't necessarily my primary goal of being here, I'm getting a quality education.  I love my classes this semester, things are going really really well.

I'm excited for what the future holds.  I'ma get my marriage on.

In the mood for love

Something about the snow makes me get in the mood to snuggle.  It snowed a ton this morning and now all I want to do is curl up on a couch and drink hot chocolate with a cute boy.  A cute, funny boy.  With Isaac, to be specific.

Instead I'm writing papers and watching movies by myself.

My Dilemma

I have a problem.

I've got a friend with whom I spend a lot of time.  We hang out nearly every night, we walk to class together, we cuddle during movies, we text each other funny things.  I really kind of like this guy.  His name is Isaac.  I've been avoiding posting about him because I keep telling myself that I don't want to like him, he's just a good friend.  I feel like posting an official post about Isaac confirms my feelings for him.

It's a little late for confirmation because I've already written plenty of journal entries and every night I come home from his apartment, I'm grilled by my roommates about what's going on with the two of us.  Something is going on and I don't know what it is.  I'm not sure if it's just friendship, since he confides in me about the girls he's been talking to, or if it's something possibly more due to the fact that he makes me take his arm when we're walking about and he strokes my hand or leg or arm when we're watching a movie.  I'm desperate to know whether or not there really is something more there.

Here's my hold up: If I tell Isaac that I'm into him, I could lose the friendship, which I consider to be one that I hold most dear.  Along with his friendship, I could lose my friendship with all his roommates, with whom I also spend a lot of time with.  Or, if I told him and he got awkward, the friendship wouldn't necessarily be lost, but it could be tainted by the awkwardness of the situation.  Or, by some miracle, he could reveal that he's into me as well.  I don't know what to do.

I want to tell him, but I don't.

I'm not really like that

It's really hard having roommates who go on dates every night.  Literally, two of my roommates go out on (or decline) a date EVERY night.  Sometimes they have to debate over which guy they're going to say yes to that night.  I'm exhausted for them.  But also jealous.

I need to stop being one of the guys and girl it up a bit more.  But I don't want to become the kind of girl that makes out with a different guy every night.  My roommates are like that.  I've suddenly become acutely aware that I don't want to be the kind of girl this blog makes me out to be.  At least when I first started it, when I was meeting up with Daniel all the time.  I want to be the girl who dates guys, but doesn't slut around.

I do have a date this weekend, even if it's not one I'm really stoked about.  It's still a date.  I'm a little bit excited for it.

A Man's Man

I borrowed this from Urban Dictionary to help you get the feel for what I'm trying to get at.

Who is the Man's Man? He's the real class act. He always shaves and wears clothes that fit. He's worldly, educated, and a gentleman. He thinks that buttoned shirts are not just for special occasions and that newspapers have more than one section. While he is polite, he is not a pushover. He will swear when he needs to, but will try to control his temper. He can handle his liquor and keeps himself in shape. Most importantly, he will admit his faults and errors, because that is what real men do.  For these reasons, women want him and men want to be him.


This is what I want (minus the drinking and swearing).  This is what I need.  I need a guy who is going to be a gentleman.  I need a guy who is going to be suave, but mysterious.  I need a guy who's going to crush spiders and change the oil.  I need a guy who's going to watch Saving Private Ryan but get a little misty eyed while doing so.  I need a guy who isn't afraid to be a man, but to balance that out with a softer side.  


Too many of the guys I know are too much of one extreme, either too feminine or too manly.  There's a balance that works and this is where you find the Man's Man.  He's the kind of guy who'll take me on a date dirt biking followed by a lovely dinner at his apartment that we cook together.  I need a guy who'll comfort me when I'm upset, but also someone who'll defend my honor at any cost.  Does that make sense?  


I really need a manly guy.  A manly guy I can hold a long conversation about nothing, or everything, with.  A manly guy who can take care of me and be humble enough to admit that sometimes he needs to be taken care of.  

Despite it all

You know, despite having my meanderings out of my comfort zone with Aaron being utterly destroyed, I have to admit that I feel as though my self confidence has been rejuvenated.  This weekend I've walked a little taller, smiled at more boys, and felt prettier.  It's some weird psychological mindset that I had to get into and asking Aaron out was the trigger.

I've also been listening to things said in stake conference, general conference, and devotionals.  The reoccurring theme is "Stop living in anticipation of things to come, live in the now."  It's such a revelation to me, I'm a little baffled.  I think I was living with this great anticipation that one day, out of the blue, Mr. Right was going to waltz out of the crowd and then we'd start down the road towards our happily ever after.  Now I know that's not how it's supposed to work.  I'm not supposed to constantly be on edge, waiting for that moment when my life will begin.  I'm forgetting that I'm alive now, that I have things going for me.

It's a great feeling, having this sudden boost in self confidence.  I can't quite get over it.

THAT Girl

There's a reason I don't want to be that girl.  The kind of girl that pounces every boy she meets, who manages to sit next to whomever might be the hottest guy at a gathering, who practically forces her number on the male population, who struts up to a fellow after class and asks him out on a date.  I don't want to be that girl and here's why:

It's been my experience that guys want to work for a girl.  It's some weird testosterone thing that I don't quite understand, but I think it has something to do with conquering and feeling like a successful hunter.  There's a period in a relationship where things hinge between friendship and something bigger, flirtations tossed about with a gigantic question mark floating around.  The girl acts coy and reclusive, which allows for the boy to pry and pursue, with the intent of winning her over, causing her to open up and become his.

When a girl takes a more modern approach to dating, she often times finds herself either a) dating a pansy of a guy who allows her to bully the whole 'relationship' into whatever she wants, leaving her dissatisfied with the manliness of her partner.  b) going on dates with guys who are reluctant, if not repulsed, by her forward attitude. Or c) someone who's just not into her, but lets her make the moves up until something like hand holding happens...and gets awkward.   Basically, the 'modern', 'feminist' ways of women taking the lead don't usually end up working.

What's with girls making the moves anyway?  Isn't is emasculating for a guy to have a girl ask him out or take his hand?  If you're into a girl, you grow a pair and ask her out, right?  I sure hope so.

That girl isn't someone I want to be.  I want to have confidence, but I don't want to be overbearing and a man-chaser.  I want guys to think I'm happy and pretty and awesome, but I don't want to flaunt it like today's headlines.  I don't want to be the girl that asks guys on dates.  I don't want to be the move maker.  I want to be a risk taker, but not those kinds.

Operation ask Aaron for his number blew up in my face.  I don't want to go into any more depth than that.  I feel humiliated and the small glimpse of confidence (oh man, did I used to be confident...) is gone.  It's like it was a sign that I'm not supposed to be that girl, even in the slightest.

One more attempt at love failed.  That means I'm that much closer to success.

Today was the day I was going to give Aaron my number and leave the ball in his court.  Unfortunately, he didn't show for class.  I was all ready, I'd given myself a pep talk beforehand, and he didn't show.  Just my luck.  Is this a sign that I ought to just give up?  Maybe.

The only other guy I'm remotely interested in is always surrounded by swarms of girls and my roommate had no problem throwing herself at him over the weekend.  Blah, frustration.

Are you diggin' on me? Cause I'm diggin' on you

There's a guy in one of my classes that I'm completely diggin' on.  His name is Aaron.  We sit by each other and we joke and flirt practically the whole lesson.  I find this kid incredibly attractive, in a sort of dorky way.  I dig dorky guys.  And I like the sweaters he wears.  I really want to spend time with him outside of class, but that requires exchanging number and getting him to ask me to do something.

I've made the decision this semester that I don't want to be the one to ask for someone's number.  I don't want to be that kind of girl.  It's just so hard at BYU-Idaho, where there's a plethora of girls who have no problem being that girl!  I was with a friend last night and he said, "Girls asking boys on dates?  Yeah, that's weird."  I'm terrified of meeting someone I really want to get to know, not being patient, then screw everything up by being too forward.

So here's the deal with Aaron.  I called up Aiden and asked him his advice on how to get Aaron to ask for my number.  Aiden said I need to come up with some sort of activity, but one without a set date.  I'm supposed to invite him to the activity and hopefully he'll offer up his number or ask for mine.  I'm not convinced it's going to work, but I'm think I'm going to try it.  It's a round-about way of getting the kid's number without being one of those pushy, forward girls.

My heart aches

You know what makes me so sad?  When I see good friends of mine settle for guys who can't take them to them temple.  Girls that I love and cherish and I know have a testimony but yet they fall in love with the wrong guy and decide that "Maybe someday" is good enough for them.

One of my very dear friends left school, got pregnant with her first boyfriend (non-member, several years older than her), and is now married to him.  She commented on a picture of a temple that if they ever get sealed, she wants it to be in that particular temple.  I think my heart broke open and poured out to her.  How sad is that?  I hope that "If we ever get sealed" isn't something I ever utter about my husband.  The things that happen in the temple are so sacred and so vital, I can't imagine giving that up.  My heart just aches and aches for my dear friend.  She won't receive the blessing of the temple, she won't inherit eternal life or have eternal increase with her husband, whom she loves.  That BREAKS MY HEART.

All while I was growing up my mother always told me, "Date within the church.  Don't date non-members.  Want to know why, Leslie?  Because you never know who you're going to fall in love with."  I almost got engaged to a guy who was inactive but was telling me he was reading the scriptures and going to church.  He was really out drinking and getting tattoos (it was a long distance thing...)  It's a scary thing, love.  You really don't know who you're going to fall in love with, so dating members who have a testimony and can go to the temple with you is the insurance that you will end up with an eternal marriage.

I feel so sad for those couples who, for whatever reason, miss out on eternal life with their spouse.  Because really, who wants a 'til death do you part' marriage when you can have a 'for time and all eternity' marriage sealed by the power of the priesthood?

I won't settle.

Do you Devo?

If you weren't at devotional today, you missed out on Sister Dalton peeling an Idaho potato at the pulpit and telling the girls to stop hanging out.  The overall message of her talk was lovely, I greatly enjoyed it.  The bit about dating was hilarious.

I feel as though when those boys call me up to watch a scary movie tonight, I need to tell them, "Sorry, I'm busy tonight."

Bored in Rexburg

Big events of the first four weeks of school:

• Aced my first test
• Aced my first essay (take that, APA!)
• Survived the snow
• Creeped on by the Rexburg halloween creepers...twice!
• Molested at the Vivint dance party
• Ripped my favorite jeans
• Went to Utah for Conference and it was SO good

It's obvious, nothing romantic is going on in my life.  I see more guys than anyone else in my apartment and still, nothing is happening.  EFF MY LIFE.  That's what I get for not playing the aggressive card.  Booorriiinngg!

I've noticed lately that more guys are opening the door for me and smiling when I walk by in the hall.  Either I'm suddenly the biggest hottie on campus or men are leaving their douchey ways behind in favor of being the nice guy.  I dig it. Nice guys are nice.  I'm sure they don't know that a smile in the hall brightens my day, but it does.  

Blow to the Ego

I was sitting in one of my classes and a girl I've become friends with turned to me and asked, "This is your third semester, right?"  I told her this was my fifth and explained to her that I took some time off.  Her response was, "This is your fifth semester?  I'm surprised you're not engaged yet!"  OUCH.  I'm a spinster and I'm not even 25 yet.  What a blow.

She followed it up with, "Because you're, like, really gorgeous."  Okay, I guess I'll take that.

Self destructive habits

Last night before going to bed I was poking around on facebook, like everyone else and their grandma does.  One thing led to another and I found myself looking at Tyson's page.  I deleted him months ago, but I still occassionally stalk his only semi-private profile.  He's got a picture of himself and the new girl up as his profile picture.  That's new.   He's grown a beard, despite hating facial hair before his mission.

 

I dreamed that I saw him at institute and he asked for my phone number.  I felt angry and irritated and I was rude to him.  I got up and stormed out of institute, only to return with hopes that I could see and talk to Tyson again.  I looked around for him but realized he was already gone and I missed my opportunity to reconnect with him. 

 

On top of waking up sick this morning, I was in a bad mood.  I felt disgusted with myself for even dreaming regret about not being friends with Tyson.  What's wrong with my subconscious self?  I'm pretty sure there's a loose circut somewhere in there, because I know Tyson is no good.  I know that he's a giant douche bag who doesn't deserve an ounce of my attention, my pity or even my forgiveness.  I want to go back into my dream and slap myself around, yelling, "Pull yourself together!  He broke your heart!  Don't give him the satisfaction of crawling back to you and winning!"  I really need to get over this.  I need to move on.  

 

I'm not sure if I know how yet. 

Move your body like a cyclone

The Vivint (formerly APX) dance party.  The place where BYU-Idaho students go to get their freak on.  This semester kick off party used to take place at Beaver Dick, but it has since moved to a couple different locations throughout the semesters, landing it this semester at the Vivint building right on Main street in Rexburg.

I showed up about an hour into the shindig and it was already pretty warm in there.  I stepped outside about an hour later and when I walked back inside, I was hit by a wall of heat and perspiration.  There wasn't a single person in that whole room who wasn't dripping with sweat.  It's that kind of low light, super hot environment that encourages us BYUI kids to get down and dirty, touching everyone in the way.

I like dancing.  I like dancing around in a circle like we did when we were younger at stake dances, I like dancing up on my girlfriends.  I even like the occasional grind up on some dude.  It's fun, it's pretty harmless, it's just a way to groove with the music and -literally- let some steam off.  That being said, HOLY COW.  There were some people having full on dry sex at the vivint party.  No shame, no trying to hide it, getting all up and nasty on each other right there in front of everyone.  Don't you think that's a little much?

I was with a couple girlfriends dancing around the floor, weaving our way into the center and then out.  At one point this guy comes up behind me and starts dancing.  No biggie, it was kinda fun even if he didn't have an ounce of rhythm in his body.  He grabbed my hands and was trying to lead me around, in his non-rhythmic way, and it started getting less fun.  Then he licked my neck.  My sweaty, gross neck.  I had hardly seen the guys face (it was pretty dark in there) and he was trying to tongue my neck.  With some expert maneuvering,  me and the ladies got out of the middle and lurked towards the back avoiding the neck-licker.

I suppose it's my fault for being willing to get down and dance with practically any guy who wanted to, but I have a little pride and I definitely have some limits.  Neck-licker crossed them.  I'll probably brave another dance party or two, but I'll be more choosy about who I dance with.

Also, would it be too much to ask for an outside dance party?   Despite being forever far away, at least Beaver Dick didn't leave everyone with stagnant sweat air for everyone to breathe in.

Playing the BYUI Dating Game

BYU-Idaho has the reputation for having way more girls than guys.  The ratio was something like 3:1 when I started school here.  Despite rumors that it's more like 1.5:1 now, I don't believe it's gotten any better.  Nearly every class I have is overfilled with marriage hungry girls, claiming to be spinsters at age nineteen.

I don't know if it's just the actual ratio of girls to guys, but I feel as though the whole dating atmosphere here is a giant game of which-girl-can-be-more-aggressive.  Let's face it, if you aren't the type of girl to go hunt down the unwed men in your classes and practically force yourself on them, you're chances of happening upon a friendship with a male who is unattached is slim.  Part of that, however, I believe is attributed to the guys, but I'll touch on that later.

My mother taught me while growing up that women weren't meant to pursue.  She told me that I needed to calm the heck down, back off the poor boys, let them man up and come to me.  I've never been able to get the hang of that.  I am a go-getter.  I see something (or someone) I want and I get poised into attack mode...until I sense competition.  As soon as another girl steps into the picture, I lose all motivation.  I don't want to compete with another girl, I don't want to have to play the one-up game, I would rather not get the guy and fall to the way-side rather than compete.  Part of that is because I've lost many times to "the other girl", part of that is because suddenly it's not fun anymore, the chase loses all appeal.

Something about pursing a guy is intriguing.  It's fun to be flirty and silly and giddy.  It's fun to tease and be interesting to him.  But still, it's not fun to try and be the better girl.  I want a guy to like me for me and have him pick me over all the other girls, not because I was trying, but because he genuinely likes me.  I don't really think that's unreasonable.

That being said, I do feel like being here in Idaho is a better dating scene for me.  I don't want to get caught up in those competitions, though.  I want to be able to have fun and go out on dates and enjoy the company of men without having to worry about whether or not I'm impressing them more than the other girl they were just talking to.  It's exhausting.

Now, boys, here's some advice to you:  BE A MAN.  Take the lead, ask that cute girl in your class out even if you've only seen her from across the room.  Do cheesy things like passing notes or using silly pick up lines.  Although cheesy, we girls live for those kinds of things.  We write them down in our journals and text ALL of our girlfriends about them.

Just because the girls here at BYUI are cutthroat doesn't mean you should slack off in your duties as a male.  Don't get lazy and think, "Why should I ask girls out when there are so many throwing themselves at me?"  We're doing it only because we want to get to you before the other girl does.  I'm sure you'll have better luck dating if you're the one singling out the girls you want to get to know rather than only meeting and dating the girls who jump into your path with their marriage bell blaring.

In review....
Girls:  Stop being so aggressive!  Let things happen, be friendly, be cute, be flirty.
Boys:  Be a man.  Ask a lady you think is cute out.

The Girl Who Hated the Gym

I love the gym.  I love doing ab workouts, the treadmill, and the elliptical (okay, that one is a love/hate relationship.)  If you had asked me a year ago (or even six months ago) I would have told you that I hate the gym.  I loathed going to the gym.  It was among the least appealing things EVER.  But something switched.  Suddenly, I don't mind it.  I still get winded pretty easy (I blame asthma), but I go as often as I can and I really feel good after the workout.

The next step in phase: love the gym?  Get my butt up to the Hart building instead of my apartment gym.  I hear there are guys at the Hart...

DOUCHE BAG

Every time I see pictures of Tyson and his new squeeze, I want to punch him in the balls and her in the face.
I also feel kind of lame for still being so bitter and upset.  Oh well, I guess it's not every day the guy you're in love with shows you his ugly, lying, douche bag side.  He's not even worth my time, but I can't help but feel enraged.

Tyson, you're a FAGGOT

p.s. I went on a date.  We went longboarding and got ice cream.  It was relaxed and awesome.

Dear Guys at BYU-Idaho

Since returning to Rexburg this past weekend, I've already noticed a couple trends among the young men here.

1.  Popped collars.  What the heck is that?  I know it's not a new trend, it's been going on since I started going to school here.  I just don't get it.  You look like a douche.  You know what girls date douches?  Bimbos.  Bimbos aren't the kind of girls you want marrying you and raising your kids.  Just don't do it, let the collar lay where it's supposed to lay.

2.  The Euro Mullet.  Do you really think that's attractive?  It's only appropriate if you're from Spain or Germany and play soccer.  And no, going on your mission there doesn't count.  You look like you forgot to finish cutting your gross, moppy hair.

3.  What's the deal with not holding open the door for a lady?  Or for anyone, even.  If I'm walking in the building right behind you, my arms full of a GIGANTIC guitar case, I'd appreciate a little bit of chivalry.  I promise, every guy (or girl) who holds the door open for me, I will turn to you and say thanks.  Because I really appreciate it.

GEEZE LOUISE, BYUI MEN!

You know what gets my goat?

I've always had more guy friends than girl friends.  Guys are simple, girls are catty.  I don't like drama, I don't want to be around it, I try to avoid it.  This being the case, I end up with tons of guy friends.    But just because I'm "one of the guys" doesn't mean I'm not a girl.

I'm sick of being treated like the go-to girl for dating.  "Leslie, set me up with so-and-so!"  "What do you think of her, Leslie?  Do I have a chance?"  "Do you want to double with me so I can take her out?  I'm sure I have a friend who wouldn't mind going with you."  Wingman, wingman, wingman.  That is ALL I will ever be to these guys.  True, I do kind of bring it on myself by willingly becoming one of the guys, but GEEZE.  Way to hurt a girl's pride!

I have these friends who are constantly trying to get me to set them up with girls that I know.  They want phone numbers or me to arrange a movie night where they can have the opportunity to ask the girl out.  They want my advice on planning the date, how to dress and how much cologne to wear.  I'm supposed to get the girl to dish all her feelings about the date to me so I can report back to the guy.  Like a full time job, it's exhausting.  Not only that, but it kind of irks me when these guys are all appreciative and shower me in compliments like, "More girls should be like you" or "You're going to make a man really happy one day, Leslie.  Thanks for being so great"  Right around then I inhale and bite my tongue.     

Want to know how many dates I've gone on in the past two years I've spent at home?  Four.  FOUR DATES IN TWO YEARS.  That's a lot of weekends spent not on dates.  It kind of insults me that these guys have the balls to tell me I'm so awesome and ask for my help, yet they lack the ones they need to ask me out on a date.  I'm pretty, I'm smart, I'm sexy.  I know I'm these things, so why aren't these guys manning up to take me out?  Even as a friend, I'd still appreciate the offer.  

For now, I'll just tell myself they're too intimidated.  

It's a little bit funny...

Something strange is going on.

My best friend in the whole world, Matilda, has been playing matchmaker.  Matti got married this past April and last December I made the trek out to Arizona to meet her then-boyfriend, soon-to-be fiance, now-husband.  No one was gonna marry her without getting the stamp of approval from me.  While I was out there I went on a date with one of her friends, it was fun, but nothing came of it.  After all, I was still hopeful for Tyson and him coming home in January.  It was weird, though, Matilda has this friend named Wade who has some resemblance to Tyson.  She had him come over and hang out with us for an evening just so I could be shocked and amazed.  Resemblance ended up only being the same face shape, but Wade was funny and enjoyable to be around for the night.  

Long story short, Matilda got me and Wade talking this week.  She set us up through facebook and then she gave him my phone number and we've been texting.  Last night he even got up the nerve to call me.  It's been a whirlwind of six days and my head is spinning.  I hardly know this guy, we haven't been talking nonstop, but a fairly good amount.  Something about this is just making me lose my mind.

I feel as though this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I need to seize it before it leaves.  There's something inside me that keeps saying, "Don't let this one slip away, he could be the real deal."

That scares me.

An attempt at dating

There's this guy from the same YSA ward as Tyson and Daniel named Peter who asked me out about a month ago.  He wanted to take me out to this taco place after institute, but it was closed.  Instead we went to a BBQ place and ate and talked.  Peter is really funny.  Like, hilarious.  I couldn't keep a smile off my face because this dude was constantly saying smart things that made me crack up.  All in all, it was really fun.  I enjoyed it.  We followed up the date with another one the following week to go see the movie Captain America.  I liked the movie, he totally wanted me to hold his hand, and he totally wanted to kiss me at the end of the night.  But we did neither.

So what's the problem with Peter?  Nothing really, expect I think of him as a good friend, someone I like to spend time with but not someone I'm tempted to kiss or hold hands with.  Maybe it's his beard, maybe it's that I don't know him very well, or maybe it's even that I want someone who has the guts to actually hold me hand or kiss me, not someone who will hint at it but waits for me to make the move.  I don't want to make the move, I want a man who'll show me he wants something by asking me out on a date and the kissing me on my front door step.  Doesn't the saying go "It's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission"?   What's with all these pansy boys who won't go in for the kill?  I refuse to give in to that laziness.  If I'm on a second (or third or fourth etc) date with you, the thought of kissing you has definitely crossed my mind.

Despite having so much fun with Peter when we go out, I've realized that I'm also sad when we're together and he's asking me to feel how cold his hands are or he's leaning his head on my shoulder.  I'm sad because I'm not into him and I don't feel that connection even though I really want to.  I don't want to feel alone anymore.  I think I'm still looking for someone who made me feel the way Tyson did and I don't know if I can be happy with anything less than that.  I trusted him so much...

My heart is on the floor. Why don't you step on it?

Daniel and I snuck away from his birthday party and locked lips for a couple minutes down the street.  It wasn't very long, nothing really happened except some good smooches.  Later he sent me a text telling me he wasn't quite satisfied.  Dan, my friend, neither was I.  I've been running on empty for a good couple of months and the two brief sessions we've had recently weren't enough.  I've been left wanting more.  It's time for a makeout date.  The weather is nice, he and I should go star gazing or something so we can have some alone time.  I hate dry spells...

Last week Tyson rocked me emotionally. I sent him a text several weeks ago saying, "I hate that I don't feel comfortable talking to you."  It was a weak moment that I regret.  I hadn't had his number for awhile but then I just so happened to end up with it and I couldn't resist temptation.  He didn't respond, so I had a good cry the next day and then I deleted him from my phone and facebook (finally.)  I felt like I needed cleansing.  I feel like I need to completely wash all of that off me.  But I can't ever be fully rid of Tyson and the scum he is.

Last week he finally responded to my text.  He said something about not knowing what to say and thinking about my text again and again.  He said he was sorry for making things awkward on his part.  That was it.  I got the text while I was at work and I think I almost passed out.  My hands started shaking, my heart started pounding, my knees felt weak.  I'm not made to handle this emotional stress.  It's wrecking everything about me.  I cried yesterday after seeing Tyson at institute.  Every time I'm near him I want to throw things, like punches or tables.  It pisses me off that he can walk around so unaffected by everything.  Why am I feeling so broken while he's acting as if we ought to be mending things and becoming friends?

It's safe to say that Tyson went from being the love of my life to one of my top 5 most disliked people I've ever met.  It's a shame, too, because he could be such a fun friend.  Any hope we had of being friends was smashes to bits when he tossed me aside like I never mattered.  Dick.

I wasn't quite finished with that...

I threw a party recently.  It was a dance party, I invited everyone and they invited all their friends.  It was one huge mother effing dance party.  As far as the dancing goes, it was pretty tame; all my friends are LDS and don't really do the whole dirty dancing thing.  The most raunch it got was a couple of us girls all dancing up on each other to make the boys drool.  Well, it wasn't really to make them drool, but we know they did anyway.

Daniel showed up, being one of the first times I've seen him in a long time.  We've seen each other at institute and some firesides, but he's been pretty scarce.  It doesn't help that we live a good 25 minutes apart and are in different stakes.  Holy.  Smokes.  I don't know what was done differently, but Daniel looked super good.  He had on an excellent blue shirt and his hair was slightly done, but not overly stuffed with product (Yes, Aiden, it's called Product) and he just looked well put together.   I was slightly dazzled by his ravishingly good looks.

Half way through the party I get a text from Daniel.  Conversation went as follows:

Daniel:  Sigh a man without isn't a man at all
Leslie:  Huh?
Daniel:  Kiss me
Leslie:  Hahaha, you're in a room full of people.
Daniel:  Well that is a shame.  I donno where to go.
Leslie:  Go out in the front yard on the side of the garage

He went, I snuck out the side door in the garage.  He grabbed me, pushed me against the side of the house and kissed me nice and hard.  One kiss turned into several, which ended up being a full on standing make out. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Daniel is a really good kisser.  He gives those type of kisses that don't involve so much tongue that you're practically drowning in the other person's saliva, but just the right amount and they last just long enough.  I love kissing him....except when he's trying to stick his hands down my pants.

I'm pretty self conscious about my body (what girl isn't?) and I had just been dancing around a lot, so I was kind of sweaty and Daniel tried to get his hands under my clothes just a little.  Boom, shot down!  I can get scandalous  but I don't let things get crazy.  We only made out for about fifteen minutes before heading back inside.  It was a good fifteen minutes, though.  It kept me busy while Chase decided to vacate the party with some chick.

In a way I feel slightly stupid for allowing myself to give into Daniel's request so easily, but at the same time, we're using each other equally.  We both just want a little lip lovin' and know we enjoy the other.  For the meantime, I can dig it.

Flirting: To Play At Love

Flirting.  We all do it, it's enjoyable, it's playful, it's fun.  But what is it?  Why do we do it?  What does it mean?

My personal definition of flirting is it's a slightly sensual, inviting, teasing way of interacting.  The dictionary says flirting is "to play at love."  It's lighthearted, sometimes serious, sometimes innocent fun.  Flirting is one of the main ways men and women can interact and introduce the possibility of something bigger blossoming.  It's hard not to flirt with someone you're into.  It's a way to show that person that you are fun, interesting, and clever.  I like to think of myself as a master flirt, since I've had ample time and boys to practice.  It's an art form, really.   It's all about the subtle moves and the subtext underlying the words you use.  Once you've master the two individually, the combination of a movement and a simple comment that could mean so much can do a lot to a guy (Or a girl, whichever.)

There's this guy, Chase, with whom I'm good friends.  He served in the same mission as Aiden.  While Chase was on his mission, his family moved into my stake, so now he's in the same YSA ward as me and Aiden.  We hang out on the weekends with big groups (Chase works a summer job about 2 hours south of here, but comes home on the weekends) and it's awesome.  He's not the kind of guy you'd see and think, "Oh dang!  That is one great looking dude!  I want him NOW!"  Don't get me wrong, he's attractive, but he's not drop dead gorgeous.  He's tall (like, really tall), dark hair, pretty hazel eyes, but he's a little awkward looking.  I think that's why I'm attracted to him; I like the awkward boys.  Chase is hilarious.  I enjoy a good banter and Chase is a good banterer, I could talk to him endlessly.  I think it's his wit that makes him that way.  Whatever it is, there's something simply irresistible about this guy.

Last weekend Chase came over to my house and we sat in my room on my bed (with the door propped open, my parents were home) and talked.  He told me all his woman woes, which are many.  He's got chicks throwing themselves at him right and left and he doesn't know how to field them away.  He likes this girl who lives in his hometown, a couple states away. She's just barely 18 and his best friend's younger sister, so he's feeling a little hesitant, but he really digs her.  I'm the cool platonic girlfriend, so he can tell me all these things and feel like we're on safe ground, stuck in the friend zone.  In fact, Chase wants me to act as his secretary of dating so I can help him get rid of all the unworthy girls and send all the hot ones on to him.  I'm flatter that he would trust me that way, but his shallowness is ridiculous.  He's got a type: tall, skinny, leggy, cheerleader girls.  I'm not tall, not a cheerleader type, I've got killer legs, but they're shot,and I'm not the skinniest (I'm not overweight, but I'm not rail thin.)  So the friend zone.  I'm stuck there, probably for awhile.

Where's the correlation between flirting and Chase?  We flirt a lot.  It goes right along with the banter that goes on.  We joke around that we're almost dating and he calls me Babe all the time.  It's supposed to be a strategy to get girls who he doesn't want to like him to think he's unavailable, but I think I'm enjoying it way too much.  With the whole Tyson thing fresh in my mind, having something fun to throw my attention into is such a relief.  I like being able to take my mind off of something so negative that makes me feel like crap and focus on something that's fun and lighthearted and doesn't really call for much effort or commitment.

In short, I like flirting with Chase.  I like pretending to be his almost girlfriend, but not having to be committed.  I like not having to think about Tyson all the time.  We'll have to wait and see what happens, though.  Chase and I will both be going on to BYUI in the Fall, so we'll see if I can progress out of the friend zone.   

Let's get real for a moment

It's time to leave all the silly make out stories aside for a moment while I get serious and explain the Tyson thing.  This is something that rocked me to the core, I try to avoid talking about it.  However, I feel like it's kind of a necessity for me to get this out there so you can sort of understand a little bit about me and what I've been through and why I act the way I do.

Tyson and I met almost four years ago at a party.  We became friends through a mutual friend and started talking a lot.  I was dating a guy at the time but we were living in different states, which made the relationship really hard to maintain.  As I started talking to Tyson more, I began to realize more and more that my boyfriend, Joe, really wasn't someone with a personality substantial enough to keep me interested.  He was kind of bland and effeminate and he never wanted to talk about anything serious.  Our conversations mostly hovered around what we did that day and how much we missed each other.  Whenever I'd bring up something serious, he'd ignore it.  It hurt because I feel like I should be able to talk about serious things that weigh on my mind with my boyfriend.  Because, when it all comes down to it, dating is just practice for marriage, and I want to marry someone I can communicate with.

Tyson showed me how it felt to have someone to trust in.  Because of this eye opening friendship, I ended my relationship with Joe (after giving it a chance once we were living in the same town again...it just didn't work.) Tyson lead me to believe that it's okay to let your walls down and be vulnerable.  We would stay up until 4 in the morning talking about things that we hoped for, things that we feared, and things that we believed in.  He was sarcastic and witty and hesitant to open up to me...but he did.  We quickly became best friends.  While I lived at home, we spent nearly every night together going bowling or watching movies.  When I was at school, there was hardly a moment we weren't texting each other.  To this day, I don't know how I survived that Summer on so little sleep.  I think my normal bed time was somewhere between 3am and 5am.  I've never felt so connected to another person.  He was my soul mate, I was sure of it.

We never had a really physically relationship, mostly because I was away at school most of the time we talked a ton.  I did, however, take a trip home for memorial day.  That was probably one of the best weekends of my life.  We watched movies, snuggled, went to a baseball game, kissed...  It was perfect.  Absolutely perfect.  Aside from that, the only other time we kissed was the night before he left on his mission. We watched Harry Potter 4, held hands, and then kissed goodbye.  He gave me a framed photo of the two of us.  Now, he gave a couple other girls photos, too, including an ex girlfriend.  I was hurt and jealous and distraught, but it didn't really matter that much because he only kissed me and I had two years for him to forget about the other girls.

Despite all that, I kept that photo of the two of us out where I could see it every day for the two years he was gone. I wrote him letters that were pages and pages, just telling him about my roommates and classes and family and work.  I wrote him about my testimony and how impressed I was with his growth while on the mission.  He wrote to me about the experiences he had, people he taught, how he grew closer to his companions.  When he bore his testimony in his letters, I felt the Spirit so strong.  His letters were the bright light for me in a very long, lonely two years.  I copied almost every single one into my journal.  I kind of love letters.

Tyson came home from his mission in January.  I was so anxious and nervous about seeing him, I was literally shaking when I went over to his house to see him for the first time.  He walked me to my car after a night of games with his family and I felt wobbly, with weak knees.  It was so surreal to be with him again, after two years of not seeing him.  I couldn't catch my breath.  When we hugged it was awkward, but I never wanted it to end.  But he was home and we had plenty of time to spend together.  The other two girls he gave photos to?  They were history to me.  One was married with a child, one was at school in Utah.  Tyson was mine to enjoy.

We watched movies, went to parties, spent nights playing games with his family.  I spent a weekend at home alone and he talked on the phone with me at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep because I was spooked.  He invited me out to watch his basketball practices and we sat together at institute every week.  That is, until the weekend before his birthday when he went awol.  His responses to texts were evasive and brief.  We had planned to get together, but it didn't happen because he just never followed up with the plans.  On Monday he told me that we'd talk after the institute devotional the next day.  After he spoke about his mission, he sat me down outside (I was super nervous) and he told me that his friend that was going to school in Utah had come into town that weekend and he spent all his time with her.  He said, "I thought I should be the one to tell you in person that she and I are together."

I didn't have much to say.  I had prepared myself for him to not come home and sweep me off my feet, but it still stung.  I cried and said, "Well that sucks.  I'm happy that you're happy with her, but it still kind of sucks to lose."  After awhile of silence I said, "I have to go, why don't you call me when you feel like talking." and I left without looking at him.  I went home and cried to my mom.I was disappointed, but it wasn't really the end of the world.  I can't win everything.

But really, I can't win at all.  A couple weeks later Tyson called me up after I called him out on ignoring me.  He told me a lot of things, including that he doesn't feel like we have any sort of friendship unless we're flirting.   He said, "I think the hole in your life where I was is much bigger than the hole in mine where you were.  Because there's not really a hole.  I don't miss you.  I don't feel like I need you in my life."  At first I was devastated, but then I started feeling angry.  I was crying silently the whole conversation, but I was pissed.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  This was Tyson, my Tyson.  The one I'd shared some of the most wonderful experiences of my life with, and he was acting as if I meant nothing to him.  He told me he felt like he could never fully trust me, never fully let me in.  And then he had the balls to tell me he felt like he owed it to me to try and be friends anyway.  That was my breaking point.  I pretty much told him I don't want his pity friendship and hung up.  And that was that.  No more Leslie and Tyson.  No more letters, no more ball games, no more movie nights.  No more text messages, phone calls, or sitting together at events.  I've never felt so empty in my entire life.

Thinking about Tyson and how elated he made me feel just heightens the anger I feel about the way he treated me.  I'm devastated to think that I wasted so much time thinking about him and avoiding other relationships because of him.  I almost feel like he ruined me.  He used me and tossed me aside without warning.  I want to vomit.  I hate him.

AWOL

It's been over a month since I posted.  In short, my social like exploded and swallowed me whole.  It hasn't quite spit me back out, but I've come up for a breather.  Here's a recap of the men in my life:

Tyson:  Still a dick, still ignores me at institute/multi stake events. His sister told me that it might be time to start being friends again.  She doesn't know what went down between us.  Eventually I'll explain to her (and to you) but right now I'm still brooding over it and would rather leave the subject untouched.

Frank:  He's a pansy.  A super cute, awkward, totally Mormon pansy.  He doesn't have the guts to ask me (or that skank he was blatantly flirting with) out on a date.  Instead, I have to hang around him all the time at Aiden's house all the time.  It sucks.  I can't ever win over the guy I actually am interested in.  I think I'm doomed to always be stuck in the friend zone.  Eff my freaking life.  Whatever, Frank can have his popular pretty girl, even though her eyes are oddly close together and her face looks kind of droopy when she smiles.

Daniel:  We went awhile without really talking, then we started talking again and he got all horny.  If he hadn't busted his knee, resulting in his being confined to his bed all summer, we'd make out again.  I'm really not enjoying this dry spell.

Over all, I can't wait for Summer to end.  I'm moving to Idaho and I'm probably most excited to have a whole new dating pool.  Living at my parents house, seeing all the same guys I've been seeing for the past couple years in my ward sucks.  The boys just suck.  They don't take me on dates, they don't take anyone on dates. What's up with that?  YOU GUYS SUCK.

Something old, something new

Daniel and I haven't meet up for almost four weeks.  First week he was busy, next week I was out of town, last week I had work/he was sick/we weren't feeling it.  We've kind of agreed that we've gotten bored and this has come to an end.

Here's the thing: making out is great.  It's fun, it's a rush, you feel all sexy and wanted and all that warm fuzzy stuff.  However, when you're routinely making out with the same person but you're not actually dating, things start to get a little monotonous and boring.  Sure, we might have changed things up every week, but it still got boring.  We dabbled with the thought of actually getting together, even though, much like the Capulets and Montagues, our families hate each other.  That didn't happen.  We got bored.  And so it would appear that we are no more.  And I don't really care.  It was fun while it lasted, it took away some of the pain that I was feeling over Tyson (saw him for the first time a couple weeks ago.  He had the balls to try and joke around with me.  Dick.) and now I'm ready to take on something new, which I've already found...

Frank.  He's relatively new in my ward, just got home from his mission at the beginning of February, suuuuper new RM awkward.  All things considered, anything that would go down with him would be the complete opposite of what Daniel and I do.  Cross your fingers for me.

The Breakdown

Sometimes I think about these hookup sessions that Daniel and I have and I think to myself, "How does that end up happening?  Like, really?  A booty call?  You, Leslie?  Get serious."  Well, here's how it happens.

We text a lot.  We text almost all day, every day (I know, I know, that's what couples do) but it almost always comes down to someone saying, "Soooo I kinda want to kiss someone right now and you make a good candidate."  Then we get into a conversation about where we would meet and what our excuses would be (study group, the gym, a friends house, a church activity...) and then it all falls into place.  

We meet up, we chitchat for a couple minutes, then we end up sucking face in the back of someone's car.  Romantic, right?  Wrong.  It's not romantic because it's designed to be a hook up, straight up making out.  Nothing all emotional, no cuddling while sharing our deep dark secrets.  We makeout, we realize how late it is, then we go home in order to make it before curfew (it's sad that we have curfew.) 

No strings attached, that's what it's supposed to be.  We're friends who makeout.  It's such a weird situation that I can hardly comprehend. 

I have a makeout buddy.  That is weird.  I like it...

Canoodling and Cop Cars

As is typical for a Thursday night, Daniel and I met up for a nice little romp in the back of my car.  Our normal spot in an abandoned parking lot was taken, so we decided to go to the nearby LDS church parking lot.  It was dark and empty and perfect.  

I've noticed that recently my little excursions with Daniel are less about making out and more about talking and teasing and giggling.  There's part of me that really like this, especially when he sends me text messages after wards saying, "I really enjoy talking to you, Leslie." but then another part of me is screaming, "NOOOOO!!!!  This is when people get attached and hearts are going to be SMUSHED and your 'non-committal' are going to flop over to 'committal' so fast you won't even know!"  I guess the whole arrangement he and I have is a little less NCMO and a little more friends-with-benefits, but I still view it as completely unattached.  I could get a boyfriend at any time.  Daniel could snatch up some pretty young thing (last night I actually told him that he's gonna find her very soon and this will have to end) at any moment.  Annnywaay, point is, we talked a lot last night.  It was fun, we lay in the back of my car laughing and joking around, sharing a couple smooches here and there.

We had hardly spent any time really doing any serious face sucking when Daniel said, "Yup, that's a spotlight."  Sure enough, all the times that Daniel had spent glancing around being paranoid of every light moving around us was giving reason.  Two cop cars pulled into the parking lot, shined their spotlight on my car then walked over and tapped on the window.  We had just been talking at the time, so we were laying side by side, nothing racy going on.  We climbed onto the middle seat and opened the car door. 

First question, "How old are you guys?  Can I see some ID?"  Second,  "So what are you guys doing?"  We answered, "To be perfectly honest, we're makin' out."  To which the lady cop gave us a skeptical look and said, "Just making out, eh?  No sex?  No groping each other?"  This is where I got all silly and giggly and started going on and on about how we're good Mormon kids and we were just making out because we didn't want to makeout at our houses because of our parents and we had been friends for a long time but started dating around Christmas time (so glad Daniel didn't speak up at that time and say we started dating at a different time)  I also threw in a little bit about how "if he ever tried any sort of groping, I'd smack him so hard!"  I don't think the cop was buying it for a little while, but then she eased up and just told us about how if we had been caught having sex, we'd be put on a sex offenders list (you should have seen Daniel's eyes bug out at that) but then she made it clear that just making out is okay, we'd just have to find another place.  

To sum it all up, we weren't doing anything wrong except that we were parking somewhere that was considered closed to the public.  Next time, we'll be more discrete.  

I don't know if anything kills the buzz faster than the fuzz.

Afternoon Delight

I don't typically ward hop.  I'm very involved in my single's ward, so I stick pretty close to home.  However, there was one particular Sunday when I had the oportunity to attend another ward for part of the block and I knew I looked really good, so I went on the off chance that I'd see this guy I'd been in love with for the past couple years.  Okay, I also wanted to go and make Daniel see how hot I am.  This was mid-February and I hadn't kissed anyone since Daniel on New Year's...

Somehow Daniel and I ended up at the park after church ended (Tyson, kid I was in love with, was a no-show.)  We walked around the entire park and sat down on the bleachers by the baseball fields and just talked.  It was really nice to catch up with him and see what he was up to.  He called me out on my constant application of chapstick, claiming I'd lured him to the park just so I could kiss him.  That is FALSE.  I had had really dry lips the previous week and they cracked really bad, the chapstick was just to keep moisture on my lips so the cracks wouldn't get any bigger.  I intended to not kiss Daniel at all.  Tyson was home from his mission and we were hanging out practically every day, so I wanted to avoid guilt.  Daniel walked me to my car, gave me a big hug, and planted one on me.  Whoops....

The next Sunday Daniel came to my ward and we left early...to go makeout at a park.  There we were in our Sunday best, making out instead of sitting in Sunday school.  As far as habits go, that's something I'm not planning on making into one.  I came home from "church" and during dinner my dad gave me his normal quiz of who taught what class and what did I find interesting.  Definitely had to fudge a little instead of tell him about the French lesson...

Through a whirlwind of events, including Tyson announcing he got a girlfriend (freaking whore, I hate her), my telling Daniel that we had to stop and then, later that day, telling him we needed to meet up asap, Daniel and I ended up with plans to meet up and makeout.  Scheduled hookup.  Since then, it's been that same day every week.  Friends with benefits, makeout buddies, committed NCMO partners, secret lovers without the lovers bit (Daniel's favorite lable.  Should I be worried?)  It's a weird arrangement, I know, but somehow it's working out...

The Infamous NCMO

NCMO: Non-Committal Make Out.  The mormon hook up or one night stand.  A good ol' macking sesh with someone you don't want to date.  

There's something about getting together with someone for just a night that adds some thrill.  For me, I feel like it's a bit of a walk on the wild side because I'm normally a pretty committed gal.  For the longest time I never even considered indulging in a NCMO because I felt like I'd end up getting attached and hurt in the end.  I tried it for the first time in a looong time at the end of last year after a pretty bad break up.  I had recently gotten in contact with an ex boyfriend from high school and he was more than willing to stick his tongue down my throat once or twice.  Unfortunately for him, any chemistry we had in high school was long gone and it wasn't enjoyable at all.  I'm fairly certain I ended up paying more attention to Zombieland than I did to his kissing.  It wasn't enjoyable at all.

 

But then New Year's Eve came around.

I have this friend, Daniel, who got back from his mission in December.  We dated once upon a high school time, he was my first love, we broke up, yada yada yada.  Well, turns out he and I still have mad chemistry so shortly after his return, the subject of us getting together for a rendezvous came up.  Happen on New Year's Eve, first in his car and then in mine.  I don't know if it was just the New Year's magic in the air or how quickly Daniel caught on to the proper technique of making out (he's a fast learner.  likereally fast), but it was amazing.  I wasn't thinking about Zombieland or this other guy that I was crushing on, I was completely focused on what was going on right then and there.  First NCMO I'd completely enjoyed.

That was the beginning of my adventure down NCMO lane and I haven't looked back since. 

An Introduction: Who am I and what is this Blog?

I started this year thinking,  "This is your year, Leslie!  This is the year you will make money and go back to school and get the guy and you will get your happily ever after!"  That lasted a whopping two weeks.  All my goals and hopes went out the window with a couple crazy turn of events.  I'm sure in the future I'll get into nitty gritty details of how my year isn't going how I planned, but for now here's a little about me.

My name is Leslie, I'm a younger 20-something single Latter-Day Saint girl from California.  Yes, I'm a mormon.  I'm completely active, I attend a great YSA ward, I go to every activity and thoroughly enjoy them.  I really do love the church and everything it has to offer.  I will get married in the temple (some day....one day....) and I will have an eternal marriage; that's pretty much one of my main goals.  I read my scriptures, I pray, I attend institute, I write in a journal.  I do all the Mormony things I'm supposed to do and I do them because I believe the Church is true.  This blog is much less about that and more about the silly things that I, as a young 20-something woman, want.

Let's be honest, there's part of me that just craves  a little lovin'.  Who doesn't enjoy a good mack?  Whether it's someone you've been seeing for a long time and are head over heels for, or someone you just met at a party and are having a good time with, it's fun to lock lips for a while.  This is my place to dish.  This is my place to get all the details out in the open.  Sure, I might approach the line a time or two, I might do things I would never tell my mother about, but that doesn't mean I'm a wild, crazy, law of chastity breaking whore...just a little promiscuous.

Here's my story, my encounters, my heartaches, my dramas, my dates.  All of it. 

EDIT: March 2, 2013

I started this blog almost exactly two years ago. I am not the same girl. I've experienced real heart break, I've done my fair share of making out, and I've had some pretty long dry spells. It's been a roller coaster of a ride. There have been times when I've felt so filled with emotions I thought I would explode. Other times I felt so void of anything I felt no motivation in any aspect of my life.

I've gone from being 21, crushed by Tyson, whoring it up with Daniel, to being 23, reinvigorated with life by Kirk's stupidity, and filled with a determination to be more of the woman I want my future husband to marry. I don't want to be a silly young girl any longer. I have to take what I've learned and put it to good use, put it towards being a better me.

A lot of people ask why I've stuck with the 'Mormon Skank' title if that's not really something I am. In all honesty, it's stuck because that's what I chose when I started this blog and I don't want to go through the process of changing. I've built up a bit of a following and that's how people know me. It's up to me whether or not I'm going to be skanky, I don't have to live up to the title of the blog.

I appreciate all the feedback and encouragement I receive from you guys. It's nice to hear that I'm not just writing to the abyss of the Internet, but what I'm writing actually matters to people. My favorite comments end up being the ones from people saying, "This is what I needed today. Thanks!" It gives me purpose in continue to catalogue my thoughts.