#TwitterDate

Let's be honest, I like to flirt.  I also really like Twitter.  It only makes sense that I really like flirting ON Twitter.  With the cold weather hitting, I posted a few times about accepting applications for a cuddle buddy.  It started out as kind of a joke, but let's face it, who couldn't use a cuddle buddy in the winter?  Or all the time?  I am always down for a good cuddle.

Enter Joseph.  Here's a fun, good-looking guy who started retweeting all of my cuddle buddy tweets.  So, because I like Twitter, flirting, AND cute boys, I started flirting a bit with him, telling him to submit an application.  It was refreshing to just relax and have fun talking to this guy, you have no idea.  To say that this semester has put a few stumbling blocks in my path would be an understatement.  This ended up as a great escape, something that could simply be fun and void of stress.  It's about TIME, Universe.  Sheesh.

Things escalated rapidly and, because of the impending doom of winter and the fact that I really have nothing to lose, I told Joseph to go ahead, name a time and place and I'd be there.  Apparently Joseph had nothing to lose, either, because it totally happened.  Yes, you read that correct, I went on a date with the dashing Joseph Struhs. 

There were a few moments when I was sitting in the Cocoa Bean waiting for him to show up and I thought, "What if he wasn't serious?  What if he stands me up?"  But the feeling didn't stick around very long; he didn't stand me up.  When Joseph walked through the door, I had a split second to decide whether or not I was going to wave, smile, or sit and do nothing and let him figure out who I was.  I smiled.  He walked over and I awkwardly stood up to shake his hand.

You know, I don't think of myself as an awkward person, but sometimes I feel like I get overwhelmed by awkward situations and I simply can't escape them.  I had a million thoughts going through my head at that moment, wondering if I was making a decent first impression, should I pick my coat up from the chair, what drink do I want?  I get so anxious in these awkward moments that I take on the attributes of awkwardness.  Hopefully it wasn't too transparent that I felt that way...

The date was kind of a blur beyond that.  He was really nice, we have a lot of things in common.  I'm fairly certain we could easily share our music collections and like a lot of what the other has.  I mean, how can you go wrong with a guy who loves Mumford and Sons as much as I do?  Psh, c'mon, Joseph.  We jive too easily.

We're going to make dinner together sometime soon.  Turns out we have a mutual friend and all three of us love to eat, so it's perfect!  I think it's safe to say that this Twitter date was pretty successful.

Cheers!

Halloweenie

I've heard it said that, "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." (Mean Girls quote, in case you live on another planet and didn't pick up on that already.)  You'd think that attending an LDS school would limit the slutiness around Halloween, but noooo, no no no, certainly not.  This is the time of year that it's okay to dress like a common whore and get away with it.  


I went to a ward Halloween party where our bishop was hosting it and girls came in wearing tights with underwear over them, a corset, and a cape to pass off as "slutty superman" or something like that.  It was utterly appalling. Or maybe I'm just the girl who lacks the balls to wear such a thing to a ward function....haha, yeah right.  Totes inapro-pro (Thank you to my younger brother for sharing that phrase with me.  I love it and hate it.  Totes)

I realize that most of you come onto the blog just to read and lurk, but I'm really curious.  What was the most awful costume you saw last night, whether it be immodest, weird, poorly done, or scary?  
I stopped by the party on campus at the Hart because there was NOTHING else going on in town.  Seriously, Rexburg, what gives?  I know there was a boatload of dance parties last weekend, but what about Halloween night?  Last year it was on a school night as well, yet the town was hoppin!  What's the deal? Anyway, back to the Hart.  It was alright.  We had fun dancing up on each other, freaking out the Molly Mormon girls dancing near us.  If we aren't going to dress like sluts, we're at least going to dance like them.  

The night wasn't a total waste.  My roommates and I flirted with some random dudes who invited us into their apartment.  We watched a scary movie with some other guys.  It was fun!  I love Halloween.
But now that it's November...is it too early to hang mistletoe?

p.s. Does anyone know how to fix the text on this post?  Sometimes My posts randomly get highlighted in white and I don't know how to undo it.

Tuesday and the big 180

I woke up on Tuesday morning knowing exactly what was going to happen that day.

I'm not sure if I had some sort of wild dream the night before that sparked this, but here was the plan that was hatched in the cold, wee hours of Tuesday morning:  While on campus, I was going to casually drop by Kirk's study area, request an audience with him (more like demand he come with him), get him in a deserted hallway and then kiss the heck out of him.  I was going to kiss him SO good he would forget how to breathe, think, speak.  It was going to be hot.  I was going to hold him close, our cheeks touching, put my lips against his ear and tell him I wasn't going to wait anymore.  This whole "let's not date right now" thing isn't jiving with me in the least bit.  I'm so done waiting so let's not wait anymore.

I chickened out before I got there.  I was on my way across campus, bundled up in the cutest warm clothes I could rummage up, and I froze, both literally and figuratively.  I was freezing cold and suddenly paralyzed by the thought of going to push myself on this guy who's been telling me one thing, but failing to make his actions match his words.  As much as I want to be with Kirk, I have to have a shred of dignity left in me, enough to try and wait for him to come and show me that that hug goodbye that we shared was a hint towards the future.

I turned around and went home.  When I got home, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and deleted Kirk's number.  I unfollowed him on instagram.

You guys.  I haven't texted Kirk in a week.  But he hasn't texted me in a week.  I never told him that I was going to delete his number, that I was going to really put the ball in his court, I just did it.  He's still doing nothing, sitting oblivious on his side of things.

It hurts.  I miss him, even the little we did get to talk and see each other.

I suppose I have no choice now but to keep on living, beginning down the road of forgetting.

So long, Kirk.  You could have been great.  

All Smiles

This weekend I went on a date.

I didn't know him very well, it's been kind of random the interaction we've had.  We talked in the library, we've exchanged a few texts over the past couple months, I all but forgot he exists.  His name is Kirk, he's from the area I'm from, but I never knew him back home.  I was feeling bored this weekend, as was he, so we decided to get together and spend time together for the first time pretty much ever.  I think I was more nervous for this than my date with Aaron, though I had more to be nervous about with him.  I can't really explain it other than I was excited and nervous and anxious for the date to happen.

When he picked me up, we went to G's Dairy and got ice cream before heading to Smith park to toss the frisbee around and talk a bit.  I've said it before, but there's nothing wrong with going to the park on a date.  I've been to them a lot recently and it's been kind of nice doing something lowkey as a first date rather than something overly planned like dinner, then a movie, then hanging out at someone's apartment, then going on a walk before saying goodnight.  It's great to have a whole day date, fellas, but maybe not until you really know the girl.  First date?  Remember to just KISS.  No, not plant one on her, I mean Keep It Simple, Stupid.  Don't over plan a first date.

Alas, I digress...  Back to Kirk and Smith park.  It was really fun.  We ate our ice cream and talked about our families and our hobbies.  I felt like family came up more than usual and I kept finding myself telling story after story about my parents.  Weird, but kind of nice.  My parents are the bomb, I love them.  It was so easy to laugh and get to know Kirk better.  His questions for me were interesting and things I hadn't ever really thought about.  I found myself telling him things I don't normally bring up on a first date.  Occasionally our hands would brush and I felt a surge of butterflies rip through my stomach.  It was such a perfect day, you have no idea.

After a couple hours he took me home and asked if he could walk me to the door and insisted that he get the car door for me (I love that.  I'm a sucker for a gentleman.)  When we got to my front door he gave me a good, slightly lingering hug, and said, "I had a really good time with you.  I'd like to see you again, maybe this next week.  May I call or text you?"  Of course, Kirk.  You may call on me as much as you like!

Shortly after he left I got a text message from him telling me again that he enjoyed our time together.  Que more butterflies.

Some of you may pause and beg the question, "What about Jake?  What about Aaron?"  I haven't spoken to Aaron in over a week.  He's dropped off the face of the planet.  He reads this blog (or does on occasion) so he should be aware that I don't know what his deal is, what he wants out of this, whether or not he just wanted to make out with someone or if he was genuinely interested in a relationship.  Either way, I'm not going to go out of my way to make something work with someone who doesn't return the favor.  Sorry, Aaron.  You're a good guy, I'm sure you'll find an awesome girl you can't get enough of.

I decided this past week that I'm not going to even lead Jake on a little bit anymore.  He's got too much baggage going on, I don't even want to attempt to deal with that.  He needs more time to get over his divorce, he needs to not cling to the first (okay, second) girl that comes along.  There's a girl out there for him, she's just not me.

I'm not banking on anything happening with Kirk.   I'm interested, though.  He's very...normal.  Interesting, but normal.  I like normal.  It's a good thing.  We'll see!

This vs That

This blog is way public.  In fact, I sometimes go on Twitter or search through the blogosphere in order to find more people to follow/entice to read my blog.  There's something about having an anonymous outlet on which I can write honestly about my thoughts and feelings, without having to filter them because of the people I know who are going to read them.  It's freeing.

We live in a world where everyone has access to everything, so a person isn't necessarily a mystery to anyone, since everything is posted on the web.

I just went through my facebook and made sure that everything was under lockdown.  You can't see anything about me without being my friend.  I don't add people that I don't know in person.  I routinely filter through my friends and delete people that I haven't talked to or seen in years.  I'm generally pretty private.

It's interesting to me to see the differences between my having a facebook and my having this blog.  On one hand, I'm waving all my dirty laundry, negative thoughts, hopes and dreams, out into the internet world for you, people whom I've never met, to read and take part in.  On the other hand, I'm active in my facebooking, but at the same time, I try to limit who has access to that.

Sometimes I believe that when I'm here, writing these blogposts, I am more myself as Leslie than when I'm not using an assumed name around the people I know.  So much of what I do has to deal with putting up fronts, holding back what I truly want to say, pretending to be friends with people.  That's not to say that I'm not a genuine person who doesn't care about people, but when you interact with people, sometimes you bury parts of yourself in order to let them shine, avoid drama, or just avoid being annoying.

This here, these posts from Leslie, are the truest me I can be.

Thanks for reading my blog.  Sincerely, I appreciate it.

Side note: The problem with guys inviting girls over for a movie night is they feel the need to invite all the girls they know, and no guys.  I went to a movie night earlier this week that ended up with three times as many girls as there were guys.  I enjoy movie nights and the opportunity to maybe cuddle (or at the very least, sit close to a guy), but when there are ten other girls and three guys, I'm not likely to want to attend another one.  Just sayin'.

FHE Bros: Hands on or hands off?

Remember that time I mentioned the date last semester that I wasn't really excited for?  Yeah, it was a disaster.    Not only did he insist we walk to the Rick's building in the wind and cold around 6pm without dinner, he sat me down at a piano and serenaded me with primary songs he wrote.  And then he insisted that we do our coloring activity for about three hours.  I wanted to die.

After the date was finally over, he sent me at least one text every day for the next week.  I didn't want to be overly friendly and lead him on, so I only responded half the time.  I felt bad, but this guy was really coming on strong.  It was made extra awkward because he was my FHE brother.

Here's my question: is it taboo to pursue someone in your FHE group?

I'm torn.  I know what it's like to be on both ends, being pursued and being the pursuer.  As you just read, being pursued just made things awkward and uncomfortable.  Pursing never lead to anything except a really solid friendships.

Now that I have an FHE group that isn't overly dominated by girls (there are more guys in my ward that girls.  This is a first!) we have one guy apartment and one girl apartment and the playing field is level.  Plus, at least four of the guys are really attractive and pretty funny.  I haven't developed any crushes yet, but they've peaked my interest.

But is it or is it not kosher to be into an FHE brother?  I still don't know.  At this point, I'm hoping it is...

Why boys and girls can't be friends.

I promised that I would write more and, although I already wrote a post today, I felt as though I needed to write another one.  A venting one.

I don't think I've ever really explained who Aiden is.  He's my best friend.  He got back from his mission in 2010 and, conveniently, lives just a couple blocks from my parents house.  I don't remember becoming good friends with him before his mission, but we did hang out a bit.  Aiden is older than me by several years, but he's cursed, so he says, with a look of youth and handsome features.  I was teenager when I first met him and consequently I was dazzled, like most girls are, when they meet him.  The crush died pretty quickly and has never threatened to return.

Since Aiden got back from his mish, we've become really close.  I spent a lot of my time back at home over at his house watching movies and tv shows in his room.  I'd often fall asleep on his bed (it was like sleeping in my brother's bed, don't freak out), wake up at 5am, then drive home in a daze to sleep a couple hours in my bed.  He vented to me about his frustrations with the girl he was pursuing and I'd tell him what guy I was into.  I once told him about my escapades with Daniel, but he doesn't like Daniel much, so I quickly learned to not mention it at all.

This semester he's out here in Idaho and it's been such a joy having him around.  I was a little nervous to have him out here, since last Fall I think he went a little crazy without me at home and bugged the crap out of me.  I told him I liked Isaac and he flew off the handle, telling me that I don't know what kind of guy I need, that I don't need to go for quirky guys because I'm quirky enough.  It pissed me off, especially because he doesn't know the guy at all.  I still really like Isaac as a friend, so I'm still offended that he would act that way about someone I felt a lot about.  But whatevs, I know that Aiden likes to talk about himself, he's not big on other people's issues.  Point is, I was nervous to be around him all the time, but it turns out that it's not so bad.  He's actually a lot of fun up here.  And he has a couple really cute roommates...and, just a side note, but relevant to the blog, I kissed him just about a week ago.  We went out to dinner with friends and I ended up giving him a peck on a dare.  For the rest of the night I felt a little confused about it, but then I got over it. I won't be kissing Aiden again.  Now to get him to quit bringing up the kiss...

Unfortunately, the shiz hit the fan and we haven't spoken since Thursday.  Why?  Because, out of all the girls at BYU-Idaho Aiden decided that he wanted to pursue my roommate, Bianca.  Why should that be such a tragic thing, you ask?  Because I don't really like her.  I've posted about the roommates that I have who go on dates every day and the post about THAT girl was about Bianca.  That doesn't even begin to cover the personal issues I have with her, though.  When I liked Isaac, she would make sure she'd sit on the couch next to him, sharing a blanket even though she knew I really liked him.  She'd makeout with a different guy every night.  She'd dress like a skank with her boobs hanging out but wonder why she never had a steady boyfriend.  It was frustrating seeing someone like her getting dates with really nice guys, only for her to use them and trash them.  Outside the relm of boys and dating, I rather like Bianca.  She's nice and funny.  But those personal issues I expressed to Aiden before he ever met her.  First thing he said to me after he met her was, "She's not even that cute, I don't get what boys see in her."

Aiden is a man and thus is subject to the allure of Bianca, which no man who's stepped foot into our apartment can resist.  He fell for her tricks and took her on several dates last week, despite knowing that I don't approve.  When he finally stopped ditching me and we hung out, I was fuming mad.  In my opinion, I'm not in the wrong for feeling this way, but I feel betrayed.  I feel as though it was completely disrespectful to me, his best friend, and my feelings that I confided in him for him to run off and decide to date my whorish roommate.  I told him what I had to say, how I felt about what he was doing, and he didn't have much of a response (although he did try to compare it to how he felt about Isaac, but that was different; I have a relationship with this girl.  I have to live with her) and we haven't spoken since.

It's so frustrating.  I hate drama.  My mom says that my relationship with Aiden is unhealthy, so this is a good opportunity to distance myself from him.  I kind of agree, but all the same, I'm losing a dear friend and it sucks.

Bianca is a whore.

To my dear readers

I looked at the calendar the other day and realized, "holy cow, it's 2012!  I started this blog because of an event that happened on New Year's Eve last year...it's been a year!"  Then I remembered that I didn't actually start the blog until March of last year, but still, this thing has been in process longer than I ever anticipated.  Mostly I thought I would get bored and let it fall to the wayside, but as time has progressed, I've found that this blog is a really nice release.

There are plenty of things on this blog that I'm not particularly proud of, but it's nice to get them out in the open.  It's nice to have a place to rant about frustrations I have with guys, with dating, with marriage (and my inability to find it.)  I don't want to be the roommate that's constantly complaining about all her boy problems and whatever, so it's just nice to have this.  As my college career continues on, I plan to keep it up and I plan to really commit to writing more about individual dates, my opinion on the way dating should be, and Temple marriage, and less about my insecurities (we'll see how long that one lasts...) but most of all, less about Tyson.  As of recently, I've found myself going back to his facebook to stalk him and rekindle that hatred.  It's unhealthy and I need to quit.  I need to quit Tyson, and everything about him, cold turkey.  I'm committing to doing that right now.  No more.

Now that I've made my commitments public to you, I ask you to commit something to me: leave a comment!  I know I have people who follow the blog (thank you, Google Analytics!) somewhat regularly.  Yes, I can see that you're coming back and reading my posts, Utah.  It's great, I love it.  I like knowing that I'm not just putting these words out into the abyss of internet to be read by no one but myself.

However, it would be reassuring and pleasant to hear a little bit of feed back.  For example, do you think I'm wasting my time with Wade?  I want to think that I'm not, but sometimes I'm not sure.

So yeah, I'll continue to post (not about Tyson) and you'll comment.  Deal?  Deal.

Edit::  Really guys?  This makes me sad.  Help a sista out!

All shook up

I don't know how to feel right now.

Wade says he's been really busy and I believe him, he's given me no reason to not believe him.  But he's also dropped communication way down.  We no longer text all day, I'm lucky if I get more than three texts from him in a day.  I'm on the back burner, I suppose.  It's a weird place to be, since I like talking to him and would look forward to the conversations we would have, and I know he still enjoys talking to me, but it's a little disheartening to have him not showing the enthusiasm he showed before school ended in December.

I have to admit, I kind of got my hopes up pretty high, pretty quickly.  I should know better than to put myself out on the line so quickly, especially when distance is involved.  He just says all the right things to put me at ease, but then doesn't do much to show for it.  I understand that this freaks him out, but at this point, we both know we feel something and wouldn't be opposed to making something real happen, but he's got to get over that fear and actually do something.  I can't be wasting my time any longer.

The waiting and wondering has me so frustrated.  A little sad, too.  I was really hoping something would happen.  I can wait a little longer on him, but not too much.  It's too hard.

Hey Rexburg, I'm back.

After a refreshing two weeks at home, I'm back in The Burg for another go at the dating scene up here.  Okay, I'm might also be up here for school, too.

Winter time is a time for snuggling and watching movies.  It's a time for snowball fights that end with kisses.  It's a time for love to begin.  I'm starting the semester off with high hopes, especially since all the wards got rearranged and now the girl to guy ratio in my new ward is more guys than girls.  Isaac is now in my ward...that could be interesting.  But you know what, I hardly even think of the guy.  Yeah, we're still friends, but I can now see why Aiden (who is now up at BYUI...yay!) is so opposed to my liking him.  Isaac is a good guy, but he's a little too feminine for me.

Wade is still around.  We had a bit of a DTR recently, which resulted in us deciding that we aren't going to become anything until we see each other.  We'll keep our options open and date around, but we'll still talk to each other.  I'm hoping he comes to visit sooner rather than later.  I wouldn't mind seeing if that could really go somewhere.  For the time being, I'll be patient and keep my eyes open while I'm in Rexburg.

All in all, I'm glad to be back.

I can't help falling

Here I am, nearly two weeks after texting Wade for the first time since the summer.  We've talked every single day since then, with the length of time continuing to get longer, and longer.  Last night we skyped for two hours and then texted for another two hours.  My sleeping habits have gone out the window, just in time for finals.

What does it even mean, though?  Here is a guy who lives hundreds of miles away from me, who has his own plan for his life and as of right now, it doesn't include me.  I've got my own plans, which will keep me here in Idaho for another year and a half at the very least.  I don't want to do long distance.  Even the thought of it makes me want to throw up and then curl up in a corner and cry.

I'm the kind of girl who wants to be held.  I want to hold hands and go places together and kiss him whenever I want.  I've done long distance before and it's so hard.  I don't want that with Wade.  If he and I were to date, I'd want to relocate, or bring him out to Idaho.  I'd want it to happen instantly, not sometime down the road.  I don't want to wait.  I'm ready for something real.

I'm ready to leave Tyson and fear behind.  I'm ready to fall in love.  Bring it, Wade.  Continue to make me fall. We can make this work.

Back to Wade

This has been a week full of skype dates and phone calls.  Apparently what BYU-Idaho has to offer just isn't enough for me.

Matilda is such a good friend.  Not having her in Idaho is probably the worst thing about being at school right now (followed closely by the -3 degree weather we had this past week.)  But we still talk and keep each other updated on our lives.  Somehow, from thousands of miles away, she still manages to be my wingman.

At this point, I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to let myself really feel for Wade, since I know from past experience that he can get freaked out easily.  And, truth be told, I'm still a little scared to open myself up to him.  I don't want to have a repeat situation of Tyson.  It's been a long time since I've even talked to Tyson, but it still scares me to death that someone, like Wade, is going to make his way into my heart and head but then leave.  It's terrifying.  But I've really got nothing to lose, so I might as well give it a shot.

Here goes nothin'.  Wish me luck.

Oh geeze

Last night I was super bored and a little down about Isaac and his new squeeze.  I texted Wade for the first time since August with a casual, "It's been awhile, how's it hangin'?" type text.  Now we have a skype date this weekend.  I have to admit, putting myself out there every now and then feels pretty good.  All I had to do was shoot him a simple text and he did the rest of the work for me.  Why does he have to live in another state?

In other news, my roommates are whores.  Seriously, I've never met girls who've made out with 10+ guys in one semester.  I'm puzzled as to how one can feel satisfied with that.  Making out is fun, I completely understand that (um, hello, remember Daniel?) but isn't one guy enough?  Doesn't it get old after awhile?  Don't you want something with more commitment than just a night or two of cuddling and kissing?  Every week they put me to shame, causing me to question whether or not I have any claim at all in calling this blog Confessions of a Mormon Skank.  Maybe I ought to invite them to be guest bloggers...

And so I press on.

A few days ago I found out that Isaac wasted no time with this girl and is now dating her.

I'm not really sure how I thought I would feel when he got a girlfriend, but it certainly wasn't this.  When I first found out, it was like a punch in the gut.  Now I can't do anything by lay in my bed and think about whether or not I made the right decision in not telling him how I feel.

But really, when it comes down to it, I made the right decision.  Not only did he not see anything there on his own, but over the past week or so I've come to see my own value and appreciate what it is that I have to offer.  I've accepted that Isaac just isn't the guy for me and that I don't need to be upset about him liking some other girl.  Big deal.  It happens all the time here at BYU-Idaho.  Everyone is dating everyone and, often the person you want to date is dating someone else.  Get over it, move on.

I need someone to distract me.

Kickin' it in the friend zone

After a long battle with myself over what to do about Isaac, I came to an epiphany today.

Isaac is over the girl he was chasing for a while.  He's got his sight set on someone new already.  He's gaining confidence as far as asking girls out, so it's not like he's hiding behind his fear of rejection anymore.  What does this mean for me?  He's not chasing me.  He's not trying to take me out on a date.  Despite inviting me over to watch movies, he's not coming onto me in a romantic way, it's purely friendship.

What do I stand to gain from telling him that I've been harboring this crush pretty much since I met him?  At this point, nothing.  At this point, I'm so far in the friend zone that telling him I like him would be the equivalent of strapping a bomb to myself and walking over to his apartment to detonate.  It would be a willing destruction of his view of me and my integrity as a woman,

Am I going to tell Isaac that I've been jonesing for his affection these past couple months?  No.  I'm going to wait it out.  I'm going to be the friend that's by his side, supporting him and making him laugh.  I'm going to be the perfect best friend.  If he realizes that I like him, good for him, maybe then we can date.  If he doesn't, oh well.

The point is, I'm worth more than blurting out my feelings for someone just to get a chance when they didn't even notice me before.  I shouldn't have to shout my affections from the rooftop just to be recognized as a player in the game.  If he's smart, he'll realize that I'm one of the best things to ever happen to him.  If he's not, that he'll miss out on something great and I'll end up with someone who's worth my time.

I am Leslie.  I'm worth a guy's full attention.  Let's face it, I'm a pretty rad girl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRISG6pZIoc&ob=av2e

Gettin' serious

It's official, I'm changing my dating views from just having fun, to getting serious and finding someone to settle down with.  I don't know if it's because I'm here at school and marriage is everywhere, that I'm realizing all my friends are either married or having babies, or if I'm just growing up and becoming more mature along the way.  Whatever the cause, I'm finally ready to admit to myself that yes, I'm at BYU-Idaho to find a husband.

This doesn't mean I'm going to marry the first guy that comes along, don't get me wrong.  Marriage isn't necessarily my primary goal of being here, I'm getting a quality education.  I love my classes this semester, things are going really really well.

I'm excited for what the future holds.  I'ma get my marriage on.