Tuesday and the big 180

I woke up on Tuesday morning knowing exactly what was going to happen that day.

I'm not sure if I had some sort of wild dream the night before that sparked this, but here was the plan that was hatched in the cold, wee hours of Tuesday morning:  While on campus, I was going to casually drop by Kirk's study area, request an audience with him (more like demand he come with him), get him in a deserted hallway and then kiss the heck out of him.  I was going to kiss him SO good he would forget how to breathe, think, speak.  It was going to be hot.  I was going to hold him close, our cheeks touching, put my lips against his ear and tell him I wasn't going to wait anymore.  This whole "let's not date right now" thing isn't jiving with me in the least bit.  I'm so done waiting so let's not wait anymore.

I chickened out before I got there.  I was on my way across campus, bundled up in the cutest warm clothes I could rummage up, and I froze, both literally and figuratively.  I was freezing cold and suddenly paralyzed by the thought of going to push myself on this guy who's been telling me one thing, but failing to make his actions match his words.  As much as I want to be with Kirk, I have to have a shred of dignity left in me, enough to try and wait for him to come and show me that that hug goodbye that we shared was a hint towards the future.

I turned around and went home.  When I got home, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and deleted Kirk's number.  I unfollowed him on instagram.

You guys.  I haven't texted Kirk in a week.  But he hasn't texted me in a week.  I never told him that I was going to delete his number, that I was going to really put the ball in his court, I just did it.  He's still doing nothing, sitting oblivious on his side of things.

It hurts.  I miss him, even the little we did get to talk and see each other.

I suppose I have no choice now but to keep on living, beginning down the road of forgetting.

So long, Kirk.  You could have been great.  

This vs That

This blog is way public.  In fact, I sometimes go on Twitter or search through the blogosphere in order to find more people to follow/entice to read my blog.  There's something about having an anonymous outlet on which I can write honestly about my thoughts and feelings, without having to filter them because of the people I know who are going to read them.  It's freeing.

We live in a world where everyone has access to everything, so a person isn't necessarily a mystery to anyone, since everything is posted on the web.

I just went through my facebook and made sure that everything was under lockdown.  You can't see anything about me without being my friend.  I don't add people that I don't know in person.  I routinely filter through my friends and delete people that I haven't talked to or seen in years.  I'm generally pretty private.

It's interesting to me to see the differences between my having a facebook and my having this blog.  On one hand, I'm waving all my dirty laundry, negative thoughts, hopes and dreams, out into the internet world for you, people whom I've never met, to read and take part in.  On the other hand, I'm active in my facebooking, but at the same time, I try to limit who has access to that.

Sometimes I believe that when I'm here, writing these blogposts, I am more myself as Leslie than when I'm not using an assumed name around the people I know.  So much of what I do has to deal with putting up fronts, holding back what I truly want to say, pretending to be friends with people.  That's not to say that I'm not a genuine person who doesn't care about people, but when you interact with people, sometimes you bury parts of yourself in order to let them shine, avoid drama, or just avoid being annoying.

This here, these posts from Leslie, are the truest me I can be.

Thanks for reading my blog.  Sincerely, I appreciate it.

Side note: The problem with guys inviting girls over for a movie night is they feel the need to invite all the girls they know, and no guys.  I went to a movie night earlier this week that ended up with three times as many girls as there were guys.  I enjoy movie nights and the opportunity to maybe cuddle (or at the very least, sit close to a guy), but when there are ten other girls and three guys, I'm not likely to want to attend another one.  Just sayin'.