Tuesday and the big 180

I woke up on Tuesday morning knowing exactly what was going to happen that day.

I'm not sure if I had some sort of wild dream the night before that sparked this, but here was the plan that was hatched in the cold, wee hours of Tuesday morning:  While on campus, I was going to casually drop by Kirk's study area, request an audience with him (more like demand he come with him), get him in a deserted hallway and then kiss the heck out of him.  I was going to kiss him SO good he would forget how to breathe, think, speak.  It was going to be hot.  I was going to hold him close, our cheeks touching, put my lips against his ear and tell him I wasn't going to wait anymore.  This whole "let's not date right now" thing isn't jiving with me in the least bit.  I'm so done waiting so let's not wait anymore.

I chickened out before I got there.  I was on my way across campus, bundled up in the cutest warm clothes I could rummage up, and I froze, both literally and figuratively.  I was freezing cold and suddenly paralyzed by the thought of going to push myself on this guy who's been telling me one thing, but failing to make his actions match his words.  As much as I want to be with Kirk, I have to have a shred of dignity left in me, enough to try and wait for him to come and show me that that hug goodbye that we shared was a hint towards the future.

I turned around and went home.  When I got home, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and deleted Kirk's number.  I unfollowed him on instagram.

You guys.  I haven't texted Kirk in a week.  But he hasn't texted me in a week.  I never told him that I was going to delete his number, that I was going to really put the ball in his court, I just did it.  He's still doing nothing, sitting oblivious on his side of things.

It hurts.  I miss him, even the little we did get to talk and see each other.

I suppose I have no choice now but to keep on living, beginning down the road of forgetting.

So long, Kirk.  You could have been great.  

Hook, Line, and Sinker

I feel like Wade is a tornado that rips through my life every couple of months, sometimes leaving destruction, sometimes narrowly missing vital parts of the town of my heart.

Seriously, I don't know why I'm still into this guy because it's completely obvious he's scared of commitment, especially when distance is involved.  Things fell apart in December when we started talking about visiting and that possibility, so now that we're talking about him coming to visit again, I'm kind of scared he's going to be overcome with hesitation again and disappear.  I still don't have anything to lose with him, since he's still far away and there's a bit of a disconnect between us since we're not together.

Wade and I had a bit of a conversation last night, started by a bit of texting.  Ever since our conversation the other day he's been trying to figure out why I want to kiss him, which seems silly to me, since it's obvious that I'm into him and he should know that's the reason.  He's put in a lot of guesses, most of them are ridiculous.  This was last night's conversation:

Wade:  My guess still.  Maybe something with an attraction?  You're attracted to me?


Me:  Yes, you're correct; I'm attracted to you.


Wade: I don't really understand how though?


Me:  You don't think you're an attractive fellow?


Wade:  Well I mean...I'd like to think so.  But I guess I don't know what it is that attracts you to me.  Cause you've only met me like that one time, you know?


Me:  Did you know I dated a guy long distance for nearly seven months?  We saw each other for a total of four days and previously hadn't seen each other for several years.  There's more to attraction than being around each other.  Personalities, visual (which is limited, but you get an idea and for me, it's good enough) then when you actually get to be together you see if the attraction sticks around.  For me and the other guy, being apart just made being together in person all that much better.


Wade:  I didn't know that.  I just think that would be really hard.  I have some friends who have done that but like I guess I just don't know if I could or not.  But I do get the attraction part, like when you see each other it would be all hot-like, and steamy.  Now I will tell you your personality is attractive.  I don't know if you know that.


Me:  I hope it's attractive.  :)  Obviously things didn't work with him, but that's mostly because he didn't want to become active in the church.  Otherwise we would have gotten married.  We more or less had a date picked and everything.  I'm not saying doing long distance is what you and I should do, my point is I know I'm able to care deeply for someone and be attracted to them even if we're thousands of miles apart.  That's why I want to kiss you.  Because I like you, even though I've only met you once.  You're funny and smart and driven and all around attractive.  I think being together in person would just enhance it.


Wade:  Wow, I'm really sorry that didn't work.  And I commend you for making the choice you did, however you did it.  I can only imagine it was still hard.  If we're being honest, I just don't know that I could do long distance, or that I couldn't.  But I wouldn't want to cheat you by making you just think I could, you understand?  Now I'm not opposed to kissing you either no matter what I've lead on.  I actually think it would be pretty epic.


As you can tell, the texts started getting really long and in depth, so I figured it was time for a phone call.  I haven't talked to Wade on the phone for months and months.  At one point in the conversation, he even pointed out that we haven't talked for at least four or five months.  I think it's been more like six months.

We talked for just about an hour.  I can't even remember half of the things we talked about, I just know that it was raw and intense and honest.  I don't think he's ever been so upfront with me.  He admit that I scare the hell out of him because I'm not safe.  I'm far away and my personality is attractive and mysterious and he's terrified that if he visits he won't want to leave.  That terrifies him.  But he really wants to visit and he wants to kiss me.  It's silly, but my heart flopped a bit when he said, "I'll be honest, I want to kiss you.  Like, a lot."  First pump!

I told him how I know I have nothing to lose, but I also know how terrified he gets of change and risk, so I haven't put all my eggs in the basket.  I'm a risk taker.  If there's not risk involved, it's too safe and I don't really feel like it's worthwhile.  I don't know how to get Wade to get on board with that, but I think he's getting there.

I can't even begin to tell you how nervous this situation makes me.  I talk big talk with Wade about how I'm a big girl and I know what I'm getting myself  and I can handle a little heart ache, if that's where it's going to go.  But he's got me hopeful yet again.

I'm the most ridiculous person once I'm hooked.  Simply put, none of the other guys compare to Wade.  They might be cute and fun, but I don't have the same ease in conversation with any of them.  Wade makes things so easy.  I want to tell him everything, I want him to understand me and what I'm thinking and feeling.

Why boys and girls can't be friends.

I promised that I would write more and, although I already wrote a post today, I felt as though I needed to write another one.  A venting one.

I don't think I've ever really explained who Aiden is.  He's my best friend.  He got back from his mission in 2010 and, conveniently, lives just a couple blocks from my parents house.  I don't remember becoming good friends with him before his mission, but we did hang out a bit.  Aiden is older than me by several years, but he's cursed, so he says, with a look of youth and handsome features.  I was teenager when I first met him and consequently I was dazzled, like most girls are, when they meet him.  The crush died pretty quickly and has never threatened to return.

Since Aiden got back from his mish, we've become really close.  I spent a lot of my time back at home over at his house watching movies and tv shows in his room.  I'd often fall asleep on his bed (it was like sleeping in my brother's bed, don't freak out), wake up at 5am, then drive home in a daze to sleep a couple hours in my bed.  He vented to me about his frustrations with the girl he was pursuing and I'd tell him what guy I was into.  I once told him about my escapades with Daniel, but he doesn't like Daniel much, so I quickly learned to not mention it at all.

This semester he's out here in Idaho and it's been such a joy having him around.  I was a little nervous to have him out here, since last Fall I think he went a little crazy without me at home and bugged the crap out of me.  I told him I liked Isaac and he flew off the handle, telling me that I don't know what kind of guy I need, that I don't need to go for quirky guys because I'm quirky enough.  It pissed me off, especially because he doesn't know the guy at all.  I still really like Isaac as a friend, so I'm still offended that he would act that way about someone I felt a lot about.  But whatevs, I know that Aiden likes to talk about himself, he's not big on other people's issues.  Point is, I was nervous to be around him all the time, but it turns out that it's not so bad.  He's actually a lot of fun up here.  And he has a couple really cute roommates...and, just a side note, but relevant to the blog, I kissed him just about a week ago.  We went out to dinner with friends and I ended up giving him a peck on a dare.  For the rest of the night I felt a little confused about it, but then I got over it. I won't be kissing Aiden again.  Now to get him to quit bringing up the kiss...

Unfortunately, the shiz hit the fan and we haven't spoken since Thursday.  Why?  Because, out of all the girls at BYU-Idaho Aiden decided that he wanted to pursue my roommate, Bianca.  Why should that be such a tragic thing, you ask?  Because I don't really like her.  I've posted about the roommates that I have who go on dates every day and the post about THAT girl was about Bianca.  That doesn't even begin to cover the personal issues I have with her, though.  When I liked Isaac, she would make sure she'd sit on the couch next to him, sharing a blanket even though she knew I really liked him.  She'd makeout with a different guy every night.  She'd dress like a skank with her boobs hanging out but wonder why she never had a steady boyfriend.  It was frustrating seeing someone like her getting dates with really nice guys, only for her to use them and trash them.  Outside the relm of boys and dating, I rather like Bianca.  She's nice and funny.  But those personal issues I expressed to Aiden before he ever met her.  First thing he said to me after he met her was, "She's not even that cute, I don't get what boys see in her."

Aiden is a man and thus is subject to the allure of Bianca, which no man who's stepped foot into our apartment can resist.  He fell for her tricks and took her on several dates last week, despite knowing that I don't approve.  When he finally stopped ditching me and we hung out, I was fuming mad.  In my opinion, I'm not in the wrong for feeling this way, but I feel betrayed.  I feel as though it was completely disrespectful to me, his best friend, and my feelings that I confided in him for him to run off and decide to date my whorish roommate.  I told him what I had to say, how I felt about what he was doing, and he didn't have much of a response (although he did try to compare it to how he felt about Isaac, but that was different; I have a relationship with this girl.  I have to live with her) and we haven't spoken since.

It's so frustrating.  I hate drama.  My mom says that my relationship with Aiden is unhealthy, so this is a good opportunity to distance myself from him.  I kind of agree, but all the same, I'm losing a dear friend and it sucks.

Bianca is a whore.

We keep going round...

Side note, Daniel got engaged last week.  Weird?  Weird.  I'm happy for him, though.  The kid is hilarious and handsome and deserves all the happiness in the world.  My best wishes to Daniel and his beautiful bride-to-be!

After a weekend of not talking, Wade and I talked on the phone again about what it is that we're doing.  I feel like we just had this talk, but apparently we didn't say everything that needed to be said.  Here's a pretty basic version of what was said:

Leslie:  Wade, things are different and you can't blame it all on being busy.  Either you need to start communicating to me what's going on or you need to tell me that this is too much for you so I can forget about you and really move on.
Wade:  I'm not ignoring you on purpose, I've been busy, I don't know what to do about this.  At all.  I guess I decided to take some time to think about things, I just didn't know what to say to you.
Leslie: You have to do something.  I'm not going to sit around and wait.  And if you need time, tell me, don't just take it.  It sucks to be on this end, where I don't know anything.
Wade:  I know.  I just don't want to hurt you, or the girl that lives here that asked me out.  It would be easier to date her, but I want to date you, but you live forever far away.  I just don't know what to do.
Leslie:  Do what will make you happiest, someone will get hurt less now than later down the line.  Seriously consider visiting Idaho.  Really, really think about it.  In the meantime, don't shut me out.  We like each other because we enjoy talking to each other, so if you let fear creep in, we'll lose that and essentially lose everything.
Wade:  I'll consider it, really.  Don't write me off, keep me as an option.  Don't limit yourself, but don't write me off.  I need to figure some things out, but I think about you a lot and I want to stay in the running.  Thanks for calling me out.

That was basically it.  It went more in depth and I feel as though he told me more about how he's feeling about the situation and why he's so mixed up.  I also told him a lot of my frustration with everything and why I don't want to just wait around.  I'm fine with him going on dates with other girls, I fully intend to date around this semester, but if he's got intentions of actually dating that girl, he needs to tell me.  I don't want to have another Tyson situation happen.  Wade said he doesn't want to be like Tyson, that I deserve so much more than that.  I hope he lives up to what he said.

For now I'm not holding my breath, but I'm not giving up on Wade just yet.  Something about him makes me think that something really good could still come from this.  We'll see, I s'pose.

All shook up

I don't know how to feel right now.

Wade says he's been really busy and I believe him, he's given me no reason to not believe him.  But he's also dropped communication way down.  We no longer text all day, I'm lucky if I get more than three texts from him in a day.  I'm on the back burner, I suppose.  It's a weird place to be, since I like talking to him and would look forward to the conversations we would have, and I know he still enjoys talking to me, but it's a little disheartening to have him not showing the enthusiasm he showed before school ended in December.

I have to admit, I kind of got my hopes up pretty high, pretty quickly.  I should know better than to put myself out on the line so quickly, especially when distance is involved.  He just says all the right things to put me at ease, but then doesn't do much to show for it.  I understand that this freaks him out, but at this point, we both know we feel something and wouldn't be opposed to making something real happen, but he's got to get over that fear and actually do something.  I can't be wasting my time any longer.

The waiting and wondering has me so frustrated.  A little sad, too.  I was really hoping something would happen.  I can wait a little longer on him, but not too much.  It's too hard.

And so I press on.

A few days ago I found out that Isaac wasted no time with this girl and is now dating her.

I'm not really sure how I thought I would feel when he got a girlfriend, but it certainly wasn't this.  When I first found out, it was like a punch in the gut.  Now I can't do anything by lay in my bed and think about whether or not I made the right decision in not telling him how I feel.

But really, when it comes down to it, I made the right decision.  Not only did he not see anything there on his own, but over the past week or so I've come to see my own value and appreciate what it is that I have to offer.  I've accepted that Isaac just isn't the guy for me and that I don't need to be upset about him liking some other girl.  Big deal.  It happens all the time here at BYU-Idaho.  Everyone is dating everyone and, often the person you want to date is dating someone else.  Get over it, move on.

I need someone to distract me.

Kickin' it in the friend zone

After a long battle with myself over what to do about Isaac, I came to an epiphany today.

Isaac is over the girl he was chasing for a while.  He's got his sight set on someone new already.  He's gaining confidence as far as asking girls out, so it's not like he's hiding behind his fear of rejection anymore.  What does this mean for me?  He's not chasing me.  He's not trying to take me out on a date.  Despite inviting me over to watch movies, he's not coming onto me in a romantic way, it's purely friendship.

What do I stand to gain from telling him that I've been harboring this crush pretty much since I met him?  At this point, nothing.  At this point, I'm so far in the friend zone that telling him I like him would be the equivalent of strapping a bomb to myself and walking over to his apartment to detonate.  It would be a willing destruction of his view of me and my integrity as a woman,

Am I going to tell Isaac that I've been jonesing for his affection these past couple months?  No.  I'm going to wait it out.  I'm going to be the friend that's by his side, supporting him and making him laugh.  I'm going to be the perfect best friend.  If he realizes that I like him, good for him, maybe then we can date.  If he doesn't, oh well.

The point is, I'm worth more than blurting out my feelings for someone just to get a chance when they didn't even notice me before.  I shouldn't have to shout my affections from the rooftop just to be recognized as a player in the game.  If he's smart, he'll realize that I'm one of the best things to ever happen to him.  If he's not, that he'll miss out on something great and I'll end up with someone who's worth my time.

I am Leslie.  I'm worth a guy's full attention.  Let's face it, I'm a pretty rad girl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRISG6pZIoc&ob=av2e

My Dilemma

I have a problem.

I've got a friend with whom I spend a lot of time.  We hang out nearly every night, we walk to class together, we cuddle during movies, we text each other funny things.  I really kind of like this guy.  His name is Isaac.  I've been avoiding posting about him because I keep telling myself that I don't want to like him, he's just a good friend.  I feel like posting an official post about Isaac confirms my feelings for him.

It's a little late for confirmation because I've already written plenty of journal entries and every night I come home from his apartment, I'm grilled by my roommates about what's going on with the two of us.  Something is going on and I don't know what it is.  I'm not sure if it's just friendship, since he confides in me about the girls he's been talking to, or if it's something possibly more due to the fact that he makes me take his arm when we're walking about and he strokes my hand or leg or arm when we're watching a movie.  I'm desperate to know whether or not there really is something more there.

Here's my hold up: If I tell Isaac that I'm into him, I could lose the friendship, which I consider to be one that I hold most dear.  Along with his friendship, I could lose my friendship with all his roommates, with whom I also spend a lot of time with.  Or, if I told him and he got awkward, the friendship wouldn't necessarily be lost, but it could be tainted by the awkwardness of the situation.  Or, by some miracle, he could reveal that he's into me as well.  I don't know what to do.

I want to tell him, but I don't.

THAT Girl

There's a reason I don't want to be that girl.  The kind of girl that pounces every boy she meets, who manages to sit next to whomever might be the hottest guy at a gathering, who practically forces her number on the male population, who struts up to a fellow after class and asks him out on a date.  I don't want to be that girl and here's why:

It's been my experience that guys want to work for a girl.  It's some weird testosterone thing that I don't quite understand, but I think it has something to do with conquering and feeling like a successful hunter.  There's a period in a relationship where things hinge between friendship and something bigger, flirtations tossed about with a gigantic question mark floating around.  The girl acts coy and reclusive, which allows for the boy to pry and pursue, with the intent of winning her over, causing her to open up and become his.

When a girl takes a more modern approach to dating, she often times finds herself either a) dating a pansy of a guy who allows her to bully the whole 'relationship' into whatever she wants, leaving her dissatisfied with the manliness of her partner.  b) going on dates with guys who are reluctant, if not repulsed, by her forward attitude. Or c) someone who's just not into her, but lets her make the moves up until something like hand holding happens...and gets awkward.   Basically, the 'modern', 'feminist' ways of women taking the lead don't usually end up working.

What's with girls making the moves anyway?  Isn't is emasculating for a guy to have a girl ask him out or take his hand?  If you're into a girl, you grow a pair and ask her out, right?  I sure hope so.

That girl isn't someone I want to be.  I want to have confidence, but I don't want to be overbearing and a man-chaser.  I want guys to think I'm happy and pretty and awesome, but I don't want to flaunt it like today's headlines.  I don't want to be the girl that asks guys on dates.  I don't want to be the move maker.  I want to be a risk taker, but not those kinds.

Operation ask Aaron for his number blew up in my face.  I don't want to go into any more depth than that.  I feel humiliated and the small glimpse of confidence (oh man, did I used to be confident...) is gone.  It's like it was a sign that I'm not supposed to be that girl, even in the slightest.

One more attempt at love failed.  That means I'm that much closer to success.

My heart aches

You know what makes me so sad?  When I see good friends of mine settle for guys who can't take them to them temple.  Girls that I love and cherish and I know have a testimony but yet they fall in love with the wrong guy and decide that "Maybe someday" is good enough for them.

One of my very dear friends left school, got pregnant with her first boyfriend (non-member, several years older than her), and is now married to him.  She commented on a picture of a temple that if they ever get sealed, she wants it to be in that particular temple.  I think my heart broke open and poured out to her.  How sad is that?  I hope that "If we ever get sealed" isn't something I ever utter about my husband.  The things that happen in the temple are so sacred and so vital, I can't imagine giving that up.  My heart just aches and aches for my dear friend.  She won't receive the blessing of the temple, she won't inherit eternal life or have eternal increase with her husband, whom she loves.  That BREAKS MY HEART.

All while I was growing up my mother always told me, "Date within the church.  Don't date non-members.  Want to know why, Leslie?  Because you never know who you're going to fall in love with."  I almost got engaged to a guy who was inactive but was telling me he was reading the scriptures and going to church.  He was really out drinking and getting tattoos (it was a long distance thing...)  It's a scary thing, love.  You really don't know who you're going to fall in love with, so dating members who have a testimony and can go to the temple with you is the insurance that you will end up with an eternal marriage.

I feel so sad for those couples who, for whatever reason, miss out on eternal life with their spouse.  Because really, who wants a 'til death do you part' marriage when you can have a 'for time and all eternity' marriage sealed by the power of the priesthood?

I won't settle.

Self destructive habits

Last night before going to bed I was poking around on facebook, like everyone else and their grandma does.  One thing led to another and I found myself looking at Tyson's page.  I deleted him months ago, but I still occassionally stalk his only semi-private profile.  He's got a picture of himself and the new girl up as his profile picture.  That's new.   He's grown a beard, despite hating facial hair before his mission.

 

I dreamed that I saw him at institute and he asked for my phone number.  I felt angry and irritated and I was rude to him.  I got up and stormed out of institute, only to return with hopes that I could see and talk to Tyson again.  I looked around for him but realized he was already gone and I missed my opportunity to reconnect with him. 

 

On top of waking up sick this morning, I was in a bad mood.  I felt disgusted with myself for even dreaming regret about not being friends with Tyson.  What's wrong with my subconscious self?  I'm pretty sure there's a loose circut somewhere in there, because I know Tyson is no good.  I know that he's a giant douche bag who doesn't deserve an ounce of my attention, my pity or even my forgiveness.  I want to go back into my dream and slap myself around, yelling, "Pull yourself together!  He broke your heart!  Don't give him the satisfaction of crawling back to you and winning!"  I really need to get over this.  I need to move on.  

 

I'm not sure if I know how yet. 

An attempt at dating

There's this guy from the same YSA ward as Tyson and Daniel named Peter who asked me out about a month ago.  He wanted to take me out to this taco place after institute, but it was closed.  Instead we went to a BBQ place and ate and talked.  Peter is really funny.  Like, hilarious.  I couldn't keep a smile off my face because this dude was constantly saying smart things that made me crack up.  All in all, it was really fun.  I enjoyed it.  We followed up the date with another one the following week to go see the movie Captain America.  I liked the movie, he totally wanted me to hold his hand, and he totally wanted to kiss me at the end of the night.  But we did neither.

So what's the problem with Peter?  Nothing really, expect I think of him as a good friend, someone I like to spend time with but not someone I'm tempted to kiss or hold hands with.  Maybe it's his beard, maybe it's that I don't know him very well, or maybe it's even that I want someone who has the guts to actually hold me hand or kiss me, not someone who will hint at it but waits for me to make the move.  I don't want to make the move, I want a man who'll show me he wants something by asking me out on a date and the kissing me on my front door step.  Doesn't the saying go "It's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission"?   What's with all these pansy boys who won't go in for the kill?  I refuse to give in to that laziness.  If I'm on a second (or third or fourth etc) date with you, the thought of kissing you has definitely crossed my mind.

Despite having so much fun with Peter when we go out, I've realized that I'm also sad when we're together and he's asking me to feel how cold his hands are or he's leaning his head on my shoulder.  I'm sad because I'm not into him and I don't feel that connection even though I really want to.  I don't want to feel alone anymore.  I think I'm still looking for someone who made me feel the way Tyson did and I don't know if I can be happy with anything less than that.  I trusted him so much...

Let's get real for a moment

It's time to leave all the silly make out stories aside for a moment while I get serious and explain the Tyson thing.  This is something that rocked me to the core, I try to avoid talking about it.  However, I feel like it's kind of a necessity for me to get this out there so you can sort of understand a little bit about me and what I've been through and why I act the way I do.

Tyson and I met almost four years ago at a party.  We became friends through a mutual friend and started talking a lot.  I was dating a guy at the time but we were living in different states, which made the relationship really hard to maintain.  As I started talking to Tyson more, I began to realize more and more that my boyfriend, Joe, really wasn't someone with a personality substantial enough to keep me interested.  He was kind of bland and effeminate and he never wanted to talk about anything serious.  Our conversations mostly hovered around what we did that day and how much we missed each other.  Whenever I'd bring up something serious, he'd ignore it.  It hurt because I feel like I should be able to talk about serious things that weigh on my mind with my boyfriend.  Because, when it all comes down to it, dating is just practice for marriage, and I want to marry someone I can communicate with.

Tyson showed me how it felt to have someone to trust in.  Because of this eye opening friendship, I ended my relationship with Joe (after giving it a chance once we were living in the same town again...it just didn't work.) Tyson lead me to believe that it's okay to let your walls down and be vulnerable.  We would stay up until 4 in the morning talking about things that we hoped for, things that we feared, and things that we believed in.  He was sarcastic and witty and hesitant to open up to me...but he did.  We quickly became best friends.  While I lived at home, we spent nearly every night together going bowling or watching movies.  When I was at school, there was hardly a moment we weren't texting each other.  To this day, I don't know how I survived that Summer on so little sleep.  I think my normal bed time was somewhere between 3am and 5am.  I've never felt so connected to another person.  He was my soul mate, I was sure of it.

We never had a really physically relationship, mostly because I was away at school most of the time we talked a ton.  I did, however, take a trip home for memorial day.  That was probably one of the best weekends of my life.  We watched movies, snuggled, went to a baseball game, kissed...  It was perfect.  Absolutely perfect.  Aside from that, the only other time we kissed was the night before he left on his mission. We watched Harry Potter 4, held hands, and then kissed goodbye.  He gave me a framed photo of the two of us.  Now, he gave a couple other girls photos, too, including an ex girlfriend.  I was hurt and jealous and distraught, but it didn't really matter that much because he only kissed me and I had two years for him to forget about the other girls.

Despite all that, I kept that photo of the two of us out where I could see it every day for the two years he was gone. I wrote him letters that were pages and pages, just telling him about my roommates and classes and family and work.  I wrote him about my testimony and how impressed I was with his growth while on the mission.  He wrote to me about the experiences he had, people he taught, how he grew closer to his companions.  When he bore his testimony in his letters, I felt the Spirit so strong.  His letters were the bright light for me in a very long, lonely two years.  I copied almost every single one into my journal.  I kind of love letters.

Tyson came home from his mission in January.  I was so anxious and nervous about seeing him, I was literally shaking when I went over to his house to see him for the first time.  He walked me to my car after a night of games with his family and I felt wobbly, with weak knees.  It was so surreal to be with him again, after two years of not seeing him.  I couldn't catch my breath.  When we hugged it was awkward, but I never wanted it to end.  But he was home and we had plenty of time to spend together.  The other two girls he gave photos to?  They were history to me.  One was married with a child, one was at school in Utah.  Tyson was mine to enjoy.

We watched movies, went to parties, spent nights playing games with his family.  I spent a weekend at home alone and he talked on the phone with me at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep because I was spooked.  He invited me out to watch his basketball practices and we sat together at institute every week.  That is, until the weekend before his birthday when he went awol.  His responses to texts were evasive and brief.  We had planned to get together, but it didn't happen because he just never followed up with the plans.  On Monday he told me that we'd talk after the institute devotional the next day.  After he spoke about his mission, he sat me down outside (I was super nervous) and he told me that his friend that was going to school in Utah had come into town that weekend and he spent all his time with her.  He said, "I thought I should be the one to tell you in person that she and I are together."

I didn't have much to say.  I had prepared myself for him to not come home and sweep me off my feet, but it still stung.  I cried and said, "Well that sucks.  I'm happy that you're happy with her, but it still kind of sucks to lose."  After awhile of silence I said, "I have to go, why don't you call me when you feel like talking." and I left without looking at him.  I went home and cried to my mom.I was disappointed, but it wasn't really the end of the world.  I can't win everything.

But really, I can't win at all.  A couple weeks later Tyson called me up after I called him out on ignoring me.  He told me a lot of things, including that he doesn't feel like we have any sort of friendship unless we're flirting.   He said, "I think the hole in your life where I was is much bigger than the hole in mine where you were.  Because there's not really a hole.  I don't miss you.  I don't feel like I need you in my life."  At first I was devastated, but then I started feeling angry.  I was crying silently the whole conversation, but I was pissed.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  This was Tyson, my Tyson.  The one I'd shared some of the most wonderful experiences of my life with, and he was acting as if I meant nothing to him.  He told me he felt like he could never fully trust me, never fully let me in.  And then he had the balls to tell me he felt like he owed it to me to try and be friends anyway.  That was my breaking point.  I pretty much told him I don't want his pity friendship and hung up.  And that was that.  No more Leslie and Tyson.  No more letters, no more ball games, no more movie nights.  No more text messages, phone calls, or sitting together at events.  I've never felt so empty in my entire life.

Thinking about Tyson and how elated he made me feel just heightens the anger I feel about the way he treated me.  I'm devastated to think that I wasted so much time thinking about him and avoiding other relationships because of him.  I almost feel like he ruined me.  He used me and tossed me aside without warning.  I want to vomit.  I hate him.