Hook, Line, and Sinker

I feel like Wade is a tornado that rips through my life every couple of months, sometimes leaving destruction, sometimes narrowly missing vital parts of the town of my heart.

Seriously, I don't know why I'm still into this guy because it's completely obvious he's scared of commitment, especially when distance is involved.  Things fell apart in December when we started talking about visiting and that possibility, so now that we're talking about him coming to visit again, I'm kind of scared he's going to be overcome with hesitation again and disappear.  I still don't have anything to lose with him, since he's still far away and there's a bit of a disconnect between us since we're not together.

Wade and I had a bit of a conversation last night, started by a bit of texting.  Ever since our conversation the other day he's been trying to figure out why I want to kiss him, which seems silly to me, since it's obvious that I'm into him and he should know that's the reason.  He's put in a lot of guesses, most of them are ridiculous.  This was last night's conversation:

Wade:  My guess still.  Maybe something with an attraction?  You're attracted to me?


Me:  Yes, you're correct; I'm attracted to you.


Wade: I don't really understand how though?


Me:  You don't think you're an attractive fellow?


Wade:  Well I mean...I'd like to think so.  But I guess I don't know what it is that attracts you to me.  Cause you've only met me like that one time, you know?


Me:  Did you know I dated a guy long distance for nearly seven months?  We saw each other for a total of four days and previously hadn't seen each other for several years.  There's more to attraction than being around each other.  Personalities, visual (which is limited, but you get an idea and for me, it's good enough) then when you actually get to be together you see if the attraction sticks around.  For me and the other guy, being apart just made being together in person all that much better.


Wade:  I didn't know that.  I just think that would be really hard.  I have some friends who have done that but like I guess I just don't know if I could or not.  But I do get the attraction part, like when you see each other it would be all hot-like, and steamy.  Now I will tell you your personality is attractive.  I don't know if you know that.


Me:  I hope it's attractive.  :)  Obviously things didn't work with him, but that's mostly because he didn't want to become active in the church.  Otherwise we would have gotten married.  We more or less had a date picked and everything.  I'm not saying doing long distance is what you and I should do, my point is I know I'm able to care deeply for someone and be attracted to them even if we're thousands of miles apart.  That's why I want to kiss you.  Because I like you, even though I've only met you once.  You're funny and smart and driven and all around attractive.  I think being together in person would just enhance it.


Wade:  Wow, I'm really sorry that didn't work.  And I commend you for making the choice you did, however you did it.  I can only imagine it was still hard.  If we're being honest, I just don't know that I could do long distance, or that I couldn't.  But I wouldn't want to cheat you by making you just think I could, you understand?  Now I'm not opposed to kissing you either no matter what I've lead on.  I actually think it would be pretty epic.


As you can tell, the texts started getting really long and in depth, so I figured it was time for a phone call.  I haven't talked to Wade on the phone for months and months.  At one point in the conversation, he even pointed out that we haven't talked for at least four or five months.  I think it's been more like six months.

We talked for just about an hour.  I can't even remember half of the things we talked about, I just know that it was raw and intense and honest.  I don't think he's ever been so upfront with me.  He admit that I scare the hell out of him because I'm not safe.  I'm far away and my personality is attractive and mysterious and he's terrified that if he visits he won't want to leave.  That terrifies him.  But he really wants to visit and he wants to kiss me.  It's silly, but my heart flopped a bit when he said, "I'll be honest, I want to kiss you.  Like, a lot."  First pump!

I told him how I know I have nothing to lose, but I also know how terrified he gets of change and risk, so I haven't put all my eggs in the basket.  I'm a risk taker.  If there's not risk involved, it's too safe and I don't really feel like it's worthwhile.  I don't know how to get Wade to get on board with that, but I think he's getting there.

I can't even begin to tell you how nervous this situation makes me.  I talk big talk with Wade about how I'm a big girl and I know what I'm getting myself  and I can handle a little heart ache, if that's where it's going to go.  But he's got me hopeful yet again.

I'm the most ridiculous person once I'm hooked.  Simply put, none of the other guys compare to Wade.  They might be cute and fun, but I don't have the same ease in conversation with any of them.  Wade makes things so easy.  I want to tell him everything, I want him to understand me and what I'm thinking and feeling.

Wade In

If you know anything about me by now, it's that I have a hard time letting go of certain guys.  Tyson was one of them, Wade is another.  I don't really post about Wade anymore because there's not much to say other than there's a small piece of me that can't help but get excited when a text from him pops up.  Back in January someone commented advising me to forget Wade, even though I'm in love with him.  I've never really said aloud, even to Matilda, that I'm in love with Wade, but I think there's a part of me that fell so hard for him.

Matilda is here in Rexburg and as a result, Wade is thinking of coming to visit (He's really good friends with her husband.  Also with her, but he and her hubby have a bromance of sorts.)  He's really into hiking, so he wants to go to several different states, including Idaho and Utah, to climb some routes he hasn't gone before.  Wade and I got to talking about the possibility of this visit and that resulted in a ridiculous beyond ridiculous text conversation.  Ye be warned, it goes on for quite awhile...



Wade: I must admit I like the sound of a hiking trip of that caliber. I'll have to see if I can pencil you in in between hikes ;) jkjkhaha

Me: I will hold you hostage if you don't pencil me in.

Wade: Holding me hostage would require catching me. Not to mention I don't flee like most. I climb up! Which could prove difficult catching for those who do not also hike.
Me: Oh, I have my ways. ;)

Wade: Pfffttt... try me... don't challenge me to escape, draw me in instead. I'm much easier to lure in.

Me: I'll lure you in once you're here.

Wade: See... now you know why I said pencil you in! You lure me in when I'm there? Pencil... lure me to goooooo and it gets more sharpie-esque

Me: You'll never want to leave once you get here. ;)

Me: I'm aiming for tattooed in

Wade: Pencil

Me: Tattooed. You'll see. I can be very persuasive. 

 

[Insert a few texts of banter, getting a little more serious]


Wade: I think the only place I'll need to get somewhere to stay is in Idaho. Idaho is the last stop, champ. If I'm not lured into going maybe Salt Lake is a good place to turn around. ;)

Me: You think you can't stay with me?

Wade: Doesn't the honor code apply to you?

Me: No, I'm so far above it I'll even share a bed with you and get away with it. ;)

Wade: Hahaha you're just a joker. There's no way you could pull it off. Yous be schooless before August.

Me: No, I'd just be really sneaky and do it at Matilda's house.

Wade: Hahahaha, I'm a cuddler anyways. Probably would get to you.

Me: You think I'm not aware of your being a cuddler? I enjoy a good cuddle evrey now and then, I wouldn't mind.

Wade: This rebellious side has me intrigued.

Me: I'm very persuasive.

Wade: Still in pencil though... you're gonna have to up your game.

Me: I told you, I have to save some of the mystery. Sharpie it for now and we'll tattoo it later.

Wade: Pencil first. Always.

Me: Yes, pencil for now, Sharpie tomorrow.

[Then I tried to convince him that he doesn't need to go hiking, he could just spend all his time with me, Matilda, and her husband. ]


Wade: Hahaha a hiking trip where I don't hike...doesn't really make sense yeah? Hahaha

Me: No, a hiking trip where you meander on up to Idaho for a couple days to see some dear friends. And maybe hike in Idaho is you find someone experienced to go with you.

Wade: Hahahaha um dear Leslie.... I'm planning a 10 day mancation of hiking and beard growing. There will be hiking.

Me: Fine, there will be hiking, I will allow it. But it can't be a complete mancation, that would just hurt my feelings.

Wade: What the heckk? Why not? I can't mancate?

Me: Mancations don't usually involve making out and I'll tell you now, that's definitely happening.

Wade: Wow... now you're forward. Daring. daringggggg

Me: If I leave that hanging, maybe you'll actually come to Idaho this time.

Wade: I'll move you from one of those pencils to one of those pens with the erasers.

Me: Nah, let's just go with Sharpie. You can't deny that you know making out is a definite possibility

Wade: Hahaha I'm going with BIC eraseable pen until I'm more lured in. And of course a guy would think about it but how am I supposed to know if you're down for that?

Me: Dude, the sleeping in the same bed wasn't enough of a hint for you? Good thing I have the lady balls to say it outright.

Wade: That I took as a joke. You go to BYUI...what am I supposed to think? And your lady balls. Haha I lol'd at that.

Me: What does a girl have to do to lure you into visiting her? Geeze! You make this so hard.

Wade: One...that's what she said. Two.... I didn't say you were doing a bad job. I just need more hahahahaha

Me: I don't follow all the rules. Heck, when I lived at home I spent almost every night at Aiden's house sleeping in his bed with him. I wasn't into him nor he into me, but I was still sleeping in a dude's bed. I'd probably break that rule if you came into town. Special occassion. ;)

Me: You need more than that? So pretty much you want to be told you're going to get laid. You slimeball.

Wade: Hahaha I'm always okay with some rule breaking. After hiking anyways... because I'm so tired after I hike. I usually require companionship.

Wade: What? I never said that! I hope that was you joking! You're going good but I'm just saying I've heard you make awesome treats. You've never said a word about a cooking tutorial, nothing. You know I'm no slimeball.

Me: Of course it was a joke. Don't you know me at all? If you come out to Idaho, I'll give you any kind of cooking tutorial you request. Within reason, of course.

Wade: Haha I just looked back at what that said and it did look bad. That's not what I meant when I said I require companionship.

Me: Hahaha, suuuuuuuure.

Wade: Making out, cooking, and bed cuddlin'. Wow you pulled out some weapons, miss.

Me: Gotta use the big guns for the real deal. Now if only you'd make it Sharpie....

As you can see, it was quite a playful conversation.  I won't believe that he's coming to visit until he's in Rexburg, but I can't help but hope.  I still really would like to see something happen there, I just don't know if I can deal with his flaky personality.  Meh.

Yeah, I still totally like him.
FML.

We keep going round...

Side note, Daniel got engaged last week.  Weird?  Weird.  I'm happy for him, though.  The kid is hilarious and handsome and deserves all the happiness in the world.  My best wishes to Daniel and his beautiful bride-to-be!

After a weekend of not talking, Wade and I talked on the phone again about what it is that we're doing.  I feel like we just had this talk, but apparently we didn't say everything that needed to be said.  Here's a pretty basic version of what was said:

Leslie:  Wade, things are different and you can't blame it all on being busy.  Either you need to start communicating to me what's going on or you need to tell me that this is too much for you so I can forget about you and really move on.
Wade:  I'm not ignoring you on purpose, I've been busy, I don't know what to do about this.  At all.  I guess I decided to take some time to think about things, I just didn't know what to say to you.
Leslie: You have to do something.  I'm not going to sit around and wait.  And if you need time, tell me, don't just take it.  It sucks to be on this end, where I don't know anything.
Wade:  I know.  I just don't want to hurt you, or the girl that lives here that asked me out.  It would be easier to date her, but I want to date you, but you live forever far away.  I just don't know what to do.
Leslie:  Do what will make you happiest, someone will get hurt less now than later down the line.  Seriously consider visiting Idaho.  Really, really think about it.  In the meantime, don't shut me out.  We like each other because we enjoy talking to each other, so if you let fear creep in, we'll lose that and essentially lose everything.
Wade:  I'll consider it, really.  Don't write me off, keep me as an option.  Don't limit yourself, but don't write me off.  I need to figure some things out, but I think about you a lot and I want to stay in the running.  Thanks for calling me out.

That was basically it.  It went more in depth and I feel as though he told me more about how he's feeling about the situation and why he's so mixed up.  I also told him a lot of my frustration with everything and why I don't want to just wait around.  I'm fine with him going on dates with other girls, I fully intend to date around this semester, but if he's got intentions of actually dating that girl, he needs to tell me.  I don't want to have another Tyson situation happen.  Wade said he doesn't want to be like Tyson, that I deserve so much more than that.  I hope he lives up to what he said.

For now I'm not holding my breath, but I'm not giving up on Wade just yet.  Something about him makes me think that something really good could still come from this.  We'll see, I s'pose.

All shook up

I don't know how to feel right now.

Wade says he's been really busy and I believe him, he's given me no reason to not believe him.  But he's also dropped communication way down.  We no longer text all day, I'm lucky if I get more than three texts from him in a day.  I'm on the back burner, I suppose.  It's a weird place to be, since I like talking to him and would look forward to the conversations we would have, and I know he still enjoys talking to me, but it's a little disheartening to have him not showing the enthusiasm he showed before school ended in December.

I have to admit, I kind of got my hopes up pretty high, pretty quickly.  I should know better than to put myself out on the line so quickly, especially when distance is involved.  He just says all the right things to put me at ease, but then doesn't do much to show for it.  I understand that this freaks him out, but at this point, we both know we feel something and wouldn't be opposed to making something real happen, but he's got to get over that fear and actually do something.  I can't be wasting my time any longer.

The waiting and wondering has me so frustrated.  A little sad, too.  I was really hoping something would happen.  I can wait a little longer on him, but not too much.  It's too hard.

Hey Rexburg, I'm back.

After a refreshing two weeks at home, I'm back in The Burg for another go at the dating scene up here.  Okay, I'm might also be up here for school, too.

Winter time is a time for snuggling and watching movies.  It's a time for snowball fights that end with kisses.  It's a time for love to begin.  I'm starting the semester off with high hopes, especially since all the wards got rearranged and now the girl to guy ratio in my new ward is more guys than girls.  Isaac is now in my ward...that could be interesting.  But you know what, I hardly even think of the guy.  Yeah, we're still friends, but I can now see why Aiden (who is now up at BYUI...yay!) is so opposed to my liking him.  Isaac is a good guy, but he's a little too feminine for me.

Wade is still around.  We had a bit of a DTR recently, which resulted in us deciding that we aren't going to become anything until we see each other.  We'll keep our options open and date around, but we'll still talk to each other.  I'm hoping he comes to visit sooner rather than later.  I wouldn't mind seeing if that could really go somewhere.  For the time being, I'll be patient and keep my eyes open while I'm in Rexburg.

All in all, I'm glad to be back.

Newsflash

Sometimes I think about tweeting or posting on facebook, "Hey Tyson!  Sorry you're such a faggot."  But then I think to myself, "Why should I be sorry?  GO SUCK A BIG ONE, TYSON!"  That's usually followed by a string of profanities I don't have the guts to post on the internet.  

I still hate Tyson, in case you were wondering.

Wade is still awesome.  More and more awesome with every passing day.  

For Tyson

For Wade

I can't help falling

Here I am, nearly two weeks after texting Wade for the first time since the summer.  We've talked every single day since then, with the length of time continuing to get longer, and longer.  Last night we skyped for two hours and then texted for another two hours.  My sleeping habits have gone out the window, just in time for finals.

What does it even mean, though?  Here is a guy who lives hundreds of miles away from me, who has his own plan for his life and as of right now, it doesn't include me.  I've got my own plans, which will keep me here in Idaho for another year and a half at the very least.  I don't want to do long distance.  Even the thought of it makes me want to throw up and then curl up in a corner and cry.

I'm the kind of girl who wants to be held.  I want to hold hands and go places together and kiss him whenever I want.  I've done long distance before and it's so hard.  I don't want that with Wade.  If he and I were to date, I'd want to relocate, or bring him out to Idaho.  I'd want it to happen instantly, not sometime down the road.  I don't want to wait.  I'm ready for something real.

I'm ready to leave Tyson and fear behind.  I'm ready to fall in love.  Bring it, Wade.  Continue to make me fall. We can make this work.

Back to Wade

This has been a week full of skype dates and phone calls.  Apparently what BYU-Idaho has to offer just isn't enough for me.

Matilda is such a good friend.  Not having her in Idaho is probably the worst thing about being at school right now (followed closely by the -3 degree weather we had this past week.)  But we still talk and keep each other updated on our lives.  Somehow, from thousands of miles away, she still manages to be my wingman.

At this point, I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to let myself really feel for Wade, since I know from past experience that he can get freaked out easily.  And, truth be told, I'm still a little scared to open myself up to him.  I don't want to have a repeat situation of Tyson.  It's been a long time since I've even talked to Tyson, but it still scares me to death that someone, like Wade, is going to make his way into my heart and head but then leave.  It's terrifying.  But I've really got nothing to lose, so I might as well give it a shot.

Here goes nothin'.  Wish me luck.

Oh geeze

Last night I was super bored and a little down about Isaac and his new squeeze.  I texted Wade for the first time since August with a casual, "It's been awhile, how's it hangin'?" type text.  Now we have a skype date this weekend.  I have to admit, putting myself out there every now and then feels pretty good.  All I had to do was shoot him a simple text and he did the rest of the work for me.  Why does he have to live in another state?

In other news, my roommates are whores.  Seriously, I've never met girls who've made out with 10+ guys in one semester.  I'm puzzled as to how one can feel satisfied with that.  Making out is fun, I completely understand that (um, hello, remember Daniel?) but isn't one guy enough?  Doesn't it get old after awhile?  Don't you want something with more commitment than just a night or two of cuddling and kissing?  Every week they put me to shame, causing me to question whether or not I have any claim at all in calling this blog Confessions of a Mormon Skank.  Maybe I ought to invite them to be guest bloggers...

It's a little bit funny...

Something strange is going on.

My best friend in the whole world, Matilda, has been playing matchmaker.  Matti got married this past April and last December I made the trek out to Arizona to meet her then-boyfriend, soon-to-be fiance, now-husband.  No one was gonna marry her without getting the stamp of approval from me.  While I was out there I went on a date with one of her friends, it was fun, but nothing came of it.  After all, I was still hopeful for Tyson and him coming home in January.  It was weird, though, Matilda has this friend named Wade who has some resemblance to Tyson.  She had him come over and hang out with us for an evening just so I could be shocked and amazed.  Resemblance ended up only being the same face shape, but Wade was funny and enjoyable to be around for the night.  

Long story short, Matilda got me and Wade talking this week.  She set us up through facebook and then she gave him my phone number and we've been texting.  Last night he even got up the nerve to call me.  It's been a whirlwind of six days and my head is spinning.  I hardly know this guy, we haven't been talking nonstop, but a fairly good amount.  Something about this is just making me lose my mind.

I feel as though this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I need to seize it before it leaves.  There's something inside me that keeps saying, "Don't let this one slip away, he could be the real deal."

That scares me.