Saturday, August 1, 2015

Colton's Proposal

Are you all wondering what has happened between me and Colton?

It has been nearly a month since the kiss. The two weeks that followed the kiss was torture. My mind was basically a war zone, attacking itself at every turn, turning small moments of quiet into gigantic, pregnant pauses. I felt overwhelmed with anxiety. Seriously, overthinking things is not healthy. I'm the queen at overthinking.

It was a week and a half later when Colton and I got together to watch a movie. I went over to his apartment and sat on the far end of the couch. I didn't want him to think I was turning that one kiss into him wanting to get back together. My mother's words kept ringing in the back of my mind "Let him come get you." Toward the end of the movie I shifted and he offered to allow me to stretch my legs out across his lap. This resulted in a foot rub. Okay, you've got to know that I do not like having my feet touched. I've never gotten a pedicure. But Colton rubbing my feet was divine. It was innocent in a way, yet it was also sensual. Yeah, we ended up making out. 

Kissing was followed by some really, really great cuddling. We were on the brink of falling asleep on the couch when I mustered up the courage to ask the question that had been eating away at me, "Colton, is this happening because you're lonely and horny, or do you really miss me?" It was silent for a moment before he sighed and said, "I miss you. I mean, I'm lonely and it does feel really nice to be close to someone, but I miss this." I started off on a rant about how I'm okay if it's just a hook up thing, but that I need to know so I can make sure that I put whatever feelings I still have for him on lock. His response was an immediate, "No no no, don't bottle up any feelings. That's not good." And then we put the conversation on pause and I went home. 

The fact that we had paused the conversation that would make or break us drove me crazy. I was desperate to finish the conversation and know what our fate is. I couldn't sleep because overthinking was all I could do. Finally on a Monday I told him we had to talk, I couldn't stand another day. He had plans after work, so we arranged a phone call instead. We started talking and he said, "Well, I've been on some dates since we broke up and they made me think about what I want in someone and what qualities are important to me. You have those qualities. I'd like to give us another try and see where it goes. If you want to, I mean."

I'm gonna pause this story here for now. Next up: the battle between my heart and my head.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Mom's Advice

My mom always told me this, "Leslie, don't chase after him. If he wants you, he'll come get you." This is advice I've tried to live by, but it's really hard. We live in a society that's trying to alter the dating scene. My mother tried to encourage me to follow a traditional approach in dating, but everywhere I hear encouragement in being an aggressive girl who goes after what she wants. Kind of confusing, right? 

The confident 21st century woman in me wants to chase the guy and get what I want. Theoretically that sounds great. Go for it. But you know what? The feminine, soft, womanly side of me wants to be pursued. Like, damn it! I want a man who will chase me. I want the kind of man my mom told me about, the kind who comes after what he wants. Where are those guys? How do we get society to encourage men to be that kind of guy?

At the beginning of the month I went to a movie with Colton. We've been to a few movies over the last month together, since both of us are cinema fanatics. We don't really talk or anything, we just meet up at the theater, watch a movie, and go our separate ways. This wasn't anything different. Nothing really happened, we just saw a movie and then said goodbye. It was kind of nice. I feel like I am finally reaching a point where I know pining after Colton is pointless. The words my mom said rang in my head, "if he wants you, he'll come get you."

The following day Colton and I ended up going swimming, mostly because I didn't have anyone else to go with and I really needed a dip in a pool. When we said goodbye, something weird happened. We hugged. Colton and I had our first physical contact since the night we broke up. It may have just been falling back into familiarity, but he leaned down and kissed me. It was a perfect, albeit a bit confusing, moment. 

Later that night he texted me and told me he kissed me because he felt like doing it. Then we said goodnight and let it be. 

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe it really is best to let the guy chase after you. If he wants you, he'll come get you.

To be continued...

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Summer Lovin'

It's been just about two months since Colton and I broke up. I've been on several dates with two different guys. 

Guy 1: RM. Lives with his parents. Hilarious. Kind of goofy looking, but personality makes up for it. Really wants a relationship. Is a weird kisser. Doesn't know if he believes in the gospel anymore.

Guy 2: RM. Has a technical school degree and one year of college left. Super smart. Mega handsome. Slightly dull, but maybe that's just the surfer way he speaks, because he's good at carrying conversation and keeping things interesting. Does that make sense? Haven't kissed him. Super strong testimony.

Ugh. Why does this happen? The guy with the winning personality who puts me at ease has a super weak testimony? That's such a key element to what I want in a guy and I can't overlook it! 

I'm tired of dating. It can be fun, it can have its moments. I have enjoyed meeting these two guys, but I'm tired of playing games and finding men who don't have the qualities I'm looking for.

Colton had what I was looking for, except the confidence to be the man I want. It still smarts. No summer love for me. 

Thursday, May 14, 2015

It Just Sucks

These past few months I've been living in a dream world. I've been having a really wonderful time getting to know Colton. For my birthday he took me out to dinner and then to go see Avengers: Age of Ultron. I was sick, which totally sucked, but it was still a nice night and I was so happy. 

What happened last week can't be described as anything other than a punch in the gut. Colton ended things. He came over to make dinner and watch netflix. We started out with grilling steaks and ended with us on a walk around the block, me crying and him saying he doesn't care for me as more than a friend. 

It was as though the moment I had been bracing myself for ever since Colton and I started dating had arrived. In one swift move I threw my heart up, spat in on the ground, and stomped on it repeatedly. I've been squishing it under my heel for a week now. It hurts so bad that the only words I can find are "It just sucks." There's no way around the situation. I can't take back the fact that Colton and I sat on the couch in my living room after our walk and I just cried and cried while he rubbed my back and played with my hair. It was the kind of moment where I knew I needed to tell him to stop, but I never wanted that moment to end because I knew it would be the last intimate moment between us. 

He says he wants to be friends. He says he loves talking to me, that I'm beautiful and smart and independent. He said he's tried to feel more than he does, but it isn't happening. He said he's too selfish. He says I deserve someone who wants to talk to me all the time and wants to be with me all the time and that's not him. It was the most crushing rejecting blow I've felt in a very long time. I finally have my head on straight and I know what I want, yet here it is not wanting me back.

My break up with Braden was easy. I felt relieved and happy it was over. But with Colton? I feel devastated. I feel as though my heart will shatter into a million pieces if I breathe too hard, but if I don't breathe hard I know I'm going to suffocate from sadness.  

I'll be okay, but for now I'm not okay. 

Monday, April 20, 2015

Checking In

These past couple months have felt like my life has suddenly put into motion after sitting stagnant for a long time. Things have been happening and life has just been GOOD. 

I have a temple recommend. I have a calling. I have this burning understanding of Christ's love for me and my role as a daughter of God. I am home. I am finally back to who I know I'm supposed to be. I am Leslie and I am happy. 

Colton and I are still dating. Things are really, really good with him. He's sweet and funny and laid back. I enjoy my time with him so much. I can't believe I've been so blessed to spend my time with such a wonderful man. 

The best thing about our relationship is this: we aren't worrying about an end goal. We both know that marriage is the reason we're dating. We both know that eventually we want marriage, even if it's not with each other. Instead of worrying about whether or not we're going to get married or if we're right for each other, we've simply been reveling in what we have. We give each other the space we need, yet we talk often and have a great time going on dates. We talk about the future. We share secrets. We discuss our hopes and dreams. We cuddle. Last weekend we were spooning on my couch and he said quietly, almost to himself, "It's kind of funny, you fit perfectly." 

I can testify that blessings come when you're working hard to be good. When you're focusing on the right things and putting your heart in the right place, blessings come. Colton is my blessing. He is wonderful. 

I am so happy.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

This isn't what I expected

To say that I barely survive this last week would be an understatement. By Friday I had resigned myself to my imminent fate and I succumbed to the sadness that is PMS. Yeah, being hit with PMS while waiting for Colton to make up his mind was not helpful. My gosh, it was not helpful. But that's beside the point. It was a rough week.

I don't even know how to write this post. I keep thinking of everything that happened over the weekend, but I don't really want to write about it. Colton didn't ditch me. He didn't say he'd be my boyfriend, but he did say he's not seeing anyone else. He's scared and I'm frustrated and honestly, I don't know that I want to write about our story. Everything has been coming together over the past few days. Colton and I are figuring things out and finding how we fit together as a unit.

Maybe we don't need labels like "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" because we're committed to each other without those. Maybe he'll come to San Francisco in April with me. Maybe we'll break up when he gets back from Europe. I don't know. But what I do know if I'm pretty dang happy with Colton. I'm starting to wonder what he would think about my writing this blog. How would he react if he knew I was telling the details of our relationship to the internet? How would I feel if he were doing the same about me?

So that's where I am. Happily basking in the brightness that is Colton and probably not going to tell you about it.

Am I supposed to apologize for this? I don't know.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Gravedigger

You know, sometimes something seems like a good idea in the moment, but after the moment passes you start second guessing everything. For example, last weekend I kept having these thoughts pop in my head about Colton on a date with another girl. It was making me incredibly sad and hurt, even though it was just a scenario I was making up in my head (albeit he IS going on dates with other girls, he isn't cultivating any relationships like ours...at least I don't think he is.) SO I made the decision that I was going to tell him I don't want him to see other people. We had a date lined up for Saturday and I had my mind made up. 

We had a good time shopping together. We went to his apartment and played some video games. We watched a movie and lounged around on the couch. It was a nice, long, relaxing day. At the end of the night, however, I felt this pressure rise in my chest because I knew I had to bring it up. As we wrapped up the date, my heart raced. we hugged goodbye and I told him, "I don't want you to date other girls." It got quiet and awkward and I suddenly felt sad again. 

Colton told me he understands where I'm coming from and he knows it's not fair for me if he's seeing other people and I'm not. He asked if he could have a week to think about it. My immediate reaction was to pout and whine and say I wanted an answer right then, but I told him he could have a week. You guys, I'm pretty convinced that I just dug my grave with this relationship. 

I mean, I'm a pretty optimistic person and I can't help but be hopeful, but I don't think Colton will be able to bury his fear and commit to a relationship. It hurts. I'm sad. I really like him and I know he's not intentionally hurting me. We both have our pasts and our failed relationships, his is just a little more extreme and he doesn't have my optimism. 

He told me the next day that he wants to be sure that our personalities are compatible and that we have attraction emotionally and spiritually rather than just physically. I know I feel it all around, but he's just not sure. I don't know how, after two months, he doesn't know yet, but I'm willing to give him a week. 

I have a knot in my stomach. I was looking forward to what we have planned this weekend, but now I'm dreading it. I don't want this to be over.