Thursday, May 14, 2015

It Just Sucks

These past few months I've been living in a dream world. I've been having a really wonderful time getting to know Colton. For my birthday he took me out to dinner and then to go see Avengers: Age of Ultron. I was sick, which totally sucked, but it was still a nice night and I was so happy. 

What happened last week can't be described as anything other than a punch in the gut. Colton ended things. He came over to make dinner and watch netflix. We started out with grilling steaks and ended with us on a walk around the block, me crying and him saying he doesn't care for me as more than a friend. 

It was as though the moment I had been bracing myself for ever since Colton and I started dating had arrived. In one swift move I threw my heart up, spat in on the ground, and stomped on it repeatedly. I've been squishing it under my heel for a week now. It hurts so bad that the only words I can find are "It just sucks." There's no way around the situation. I can't take back the fact that Colton and I sat on the couch in my living room after our walk and I just cried and cried while he rubbed my back and played with my hair. It was the kind of moment where I knew I needed to tell him to stop, but I never wanted that moment to end because I knew it would be the last intimate moment between us. 

He says he wants to be friends. He says he loves talking to me, that I'm beautiful and smart and independent. He said he's tried to feel more than he does, but it isn't happening. He said he's too selfish. He says I deserve someone who wants to talk to me all the time and wants to be with me all the time and that's not him. It was the most crushing rejecting blow I've felt in a very long time. I finally have my head on straight and I know what I want, yet here it is not wanting me back.

My break up with Braden was easy. I felt relieved and happy it was over. But with Colton? I feel devastated. I feel as though my heart will shatter into a million pieces if I breathe too hard, but if I don't breathe hard I know I'm going to suffocate from sadness.  

I'll be okay, but for now I'm not okay. 

Monday, April 20, 2015

Checking In

These past couple months have felt like my life has suddenly put into motion after sitting stagnant for a long time. Things have been happening and life has just been GOOD. 

I have a temple recommend. I have a calling. I have this burning understanding of Christ's love for me and my role as a daughter of God. I am home. I am finally back to who I know I'm supposed to be. I am Leslie and I am happy. 

Colton and I are still dating. Things are really, really good with him. He's sweet and funny and laid back. I enjoy my time with him so much. I can't believe I've been so blessed to spend my time with such a wonderful man. 

The best thing about our relationship is this: we aren't worrying about an end goal. We both know that marriage is the reason we're dating. We both know that eventually we want marriage, even if it's not with each other. Instead of worrying about whether or not we're going to get married or if we're right for each other, we've simply been reveling in what we have. We give each other the space we need, yet we talk often and have a great time going on dates. We talk about the future. We share secrets. We discuss our hopes and dreams. We cuddle. Last weekend we were spooning on my couch and he said quietly, almost to himself, "It's kind of funny, you fit perfectly." 

I can testify that blessings come when you're working hard to be good. When you're focusing on the right things and putting your heart in the right place, blessings come. Colton is my blessing. He is wonderful. 

I am so happy.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

This isn't what I expected

To say that I barely survive this last week would be an understatement. By Friday I had resigned myself to my imminent fate and I succumbed to the sadness that is PMS. Yeah, being hit with PMS while waiting for Colton to make up his mind was not helpful. My gosh, it was not helpful. But that's beside the point. It was a rough week.

I don't even know how to write this post. I keep thinking of everything that happened over the weekend, but I don't really want to write about it. Colton didn't ditch me. He didn't say he'd be my boyfriend, but he did say he's not seeing anyone else. He's scared and I'm frustrated and honestly, I don't know that I want to write about our story. Everything has been coming together over the past few days. Colton and I are figuring things out and finding how we fit together as a unit.

Maybe we don't need labels like "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" because we're committed to each other without those. Maybe he'll come to San Francisco in April with me. Maybe we'll break up when he gets back from Europe. I don't know. But what I do know if I'm pretty dang happy with Colton. I'm starting to wonder what he would think about my writing this blog. How would he react if he knew I was telling the details of our relationship to the internet? How would I feel if he were doing the same about me?

So that's where I am. Happily basking in the brightness that is Colton and probably not going to tell you about it.

Am I supposed to apologize for this? I don't know.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Gravedigger

You know, sometimes something seems like a good idea in the moment, but after the moment passes you start second guessing everything. For example, last weekend I kept having these thoughts pop in my head about Colton on a date with another girl. It was making me incredibly sad and hurt, even though it was just a scenario I was making up in my head (albeit he IS going on dates with other girls, he isn't cultivating any relationships like ours...at least I don't think he is.) SO I made the decision that I was going to tell him I don't want him to see other people. We had a date lined up for Saturday and I had my mind made up. 

We had a good time shopping together. We went to his apartment and played some video games. We watched a movie and lounged around on the couch. It was a nice, long, relaxing day. At the end of the night, however, I felt this pressure rise in my chest because I knew I had to bring it up. As we wrapped up the date, my heart raced. we hugged goodbye and I told him, "I don't want you to date other girls." It got quiet and awkward and I suddenly felt sad again. 

Colton told me he understands where I'm coming from and he knows it's not fair for me if he's seeing other people and I'm not. He asked if he could have a week to think about it. My immediate reaction was to pout and whine and say I wanted an answer right then, but I told him he could have a week. You guys, I'm pretty convinced that I just dug my grave with this relationship. 

I mean, I'm a pretty optimistic person and I can't help but be hopeful, but I don't think Colton will be able to bury his fear and commit to a relationship. It hurts. I'm sad. I really like him and I know he's not intentionally hurting me. We both have our pasts and our failed relationships, his is just a little more extreme and he doesn't have my optimism. 

He told me the next day that he wants to be sure that our personalities are compatible and that we have attraction emotionally and spiritually rather than just physically. I know I feel it all around, but he's just not sure. I don't know how, after two months, he doesn't know yet, but I'm willing to give him a week. 

I have a knot in my stomach. I was looking forward to what we have planned this weekend, but now I'm dreading it. I don't want this to be over.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

In the Office

You know how sometimes you get into a relationship where you feel like you have to continually impress your significant other in order to keep him or her interested? I certainly do. I've been there numerous times and it's completely exhausting. Colton is NOT that guy. He makes it really easy to be me while he is him. We just kind of mesh really, really well.

The other day I had an over abundance of soup (don't ask, it just happens and I know Colton loves soup (and Macaroni and Cheese and PB&J sandwiches) so I told him I'd bring him some. He told me to bring it by his office, which ended up with us spending his last hour of work sitting in office chairs, talking about whatever. I met his coworker and got a feel for what he does all day. You guys, if I worked in an office at a cubicle, I would kill myself. I couldn't do it. So much boredom! But that's beside the point.

After an hour, it was the end of Colton's work day. His coworker took off and I helped him lock up. At one point he stuck his head out a door and looked around quickly before closing it and turning to me with a huge grin. "Hey, do you want to make out in my boss's office for a minute?" I dropped my purse so fast! We didn't do anything crazy, like sit on his boss's chair or desk, we mostly just stood in the office and kissed for a few minutes. But it was still awesome and fun and spontaneous.

This is what life with Colton is like. It's fun and not complicated and real. The best thing about this relationship is that it's real. We're honest with each other and we just mesh. Ugh. This is the life.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Limbo

There comes a point in a developing relationship where you have to decide where you're going. It's been a couple weeks since my DTRS with Colton and I've really become comfortable with where we are, which is not exclusive, but still pretty serious. 

We've had a few dates recently where we've gotten dinner and watched a movie. Of course these kind of dates also include kissing, which I've been trying to keep on an appropriate level. I've hesitated to ask Colton if he's been kissing other girls, mostly because I'm afraid that putting any sort of pressure on him will make him retreat from me. Has he given me any reason to think he'll retreat? Or that he is kissing other girls? No. But I'm scared all the same. I'm so scared that any time I find something good, it can be ruined in an instant. 

This weekend we got together and made dinner. We sat at the table after we are and had a really nice, deep conversation about some of the politics of the church and where we stand and where our families stand. We shared some personal stories. We talked about our childhood homes. It was a really great evening. After a brief time of kissing, we ended up snuggling together and I got up the balls to ask him about the other girls. He told me he's been on a few other dates, but he most certainly hasn't kissed anyone else. He said, "I would let you know. I would feel too bad about it and I would definitely let you know." This was a good segway into telling him something else that's been on my mind.

"Colton," I said, with my head resting on his chest, "I know you're going on dates and I know you want to take your time and be picky, but I need you to know I'm invested. I'm here. I'm in this. I want to give you your time, but I can't wait forever for you to make up your mind." 

He nodded and said, "I know. It just scares me. It's so much easier being single and only being responsible for one person's happiness. I never want to go through a divorce again." I understand. I totally get that. But he needs to know that I'm not just here for fun and I'm not going to just sit around forever waiting for him to make up him mind. Now he knows that. 

We still have a long way to go before we can be in a relationship, but I'm content for now. We've gotten to the point where we can say important things to each other. I know where he stands and he knows where I am. He knows the clock is ticking. 

I hope he doesn't take forever.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Six and a Half Weeks

Six and a half weeks. That's how long I've been seeing Colton. We've been seeing each other more consistently, yet we're still not exclusive. A few weeks back when we had our little DTR, I walked away feeling sort of settled, sort of not. I wasn't yet convinced that taking our time would be a good thing for us. I would feel those little feelings of desperation, so familiar to me, creeping up my throat, threatening to cling onto the words I'm about to say, threatening to turn me into the sad, clingy girl I used to be. Not today, old self, not today.

During our DTR talk Colton told me that he's not the type of guy who wants to be with someone every night. He explained to me that he sometimes really likes to have an evening to himself, so I shouldn't expect him to ask to see me every day. He said, "That doesn't mean I don't want to see you, though. That doesn't mean I'm not interested." I can totally sympathize with that. When I was dating Braden, he wanted to see me every single day. Sometimes it would get exhausting, always driving to Salt Lake to see him or making sure my apartment was presentable and that I had showered. I put off lots of errands, naps, and the like to spend time with Braden because I did what he wanted, even if I didn't really want to. So when Colton explained how he needs his alone time, I didn't question it. It's nice to have some time to myself while we continue down the road we're on.

In this past week, Colton has called me up several times to spontaneously get together. We've spent a record amount of nights together in one week, including a movie night with his friends. You guys, when a man invites you to something with him and his friends and he holds your hand in their presence, it means he really likes you. Like I said, we're still not exclusive but I think we're heading in that direction. I'm still in no rush. The crazy thing is it's been six and a half weeks and I'm content with where we are. Do you know how long my whole relationship with Braden was? Ten weeks. Ten whole weeks from start to finish. Holy crap. What a huge mistake that was.

But Colton? Things are good. Things are quiet. I'm so content.