I've been hasty and anxious and overbearing. I've been looking for someone to swoop into my life and fix all my problems and fill all the empty holes in my soul. But is that really what I need? Or how I need to act? I read old journal entries and blog entries and I get sick over how needy I've been in the past. How can I expect someone to want to be with me when I can't take care of myself and be happy alone?
In the months since Braden and I broke up, I've really taken time to evaluate myself. I've done some really deep soul searching and I've spent a lot of time talking with God, expressing all this sadness and resentment and self loathing that I hadn't previously acknowledged. It's all been part of the process of getting back to myself. I've been able to start 2015 feeling like myself.
I haven't been worrying about dating, I haven't been worrying about where I'm going to find The One or if I'm good enough. It's been time to just focus on me and what I need to do to be who I need to be. Colton showing up has been such a pleasant surprise, but also one that has scared me. I don't want to be the girl who clings to a man to feel validated. I know I don't need to do that. So I'm taking my time. I'm in no rush to get married, or even acknowledge that it's a possibility.
Colton is really wonderful. He's not without his faults and he's taken his time with telling me about them, but he's told me and he's been an open book. We've had some pretty in depth talks this week which has been a great for us, but we also know we don't want to rush into things and be blinded by the excitement of a new relationship.
Things are going well with Colton. I hope it continues this way, slow but steady.