Halloweenie

I've heard it said that, "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." (Mean Girls quote, in case you live on another planet and didn't pick up on that already.)  You'd think that attending an LDS school would limit the slutiness around Halloween, but noooo, no no no, certainly not.  This is the time of year that it's okay to dress like a common whore and get away with it.  


I went to a ward Halloween party where our bishop was hosting it and girls came in wearing tights with underwear over them, a corset, and a cape to pass off as "slutty superman" or something like that.  It was utterly appalling. Or maybe I'm just the girl who lacks the balls to wear such a thing to a ward function....haha, yeah right.  Totes inapro-pro (Thank you to my younger brother for sharing that phrase with me.  I love it and hate it.  Totes)

I realize that most of you come onto the blog just to read and lurk, but I'm really curious.  What was the most awful costume you saw last night, whether it be immodest, weird, poorly done, or scary?  
I stopped by the party on campus at the Hart because there was NOTHING else going on in town.  Seriously, Rexburg, what gives?  I know there was a boatload of dance parties last weekend, but what about Halloween night?  Last year it was on a school night as well, yet the town was hoppin!  What's the deal? Anyway, back to the Hart.  It was alright.  We had fun dancing up on each other, freaking out the Molly Mormon girls dancing near us.  If we aren't going to dress like sluts, we're at least going to dance like them.  

The night wasn't a total waste.  My roommates and I flirted with some random dudes who invited us into their apartment.  We watched a scary movie with some other guys.  It was fun!  I love Halloween.
But now that it's November...is it too early to hang mistletoe?

p.s. Does anyone know how to fix the text on this post?  Sometimes My posts randomly get highlighted in white and I don't know how to undo it.

FHE Bros: Hands on or hands off?

Remember that time I mentioned the date last semester that I wasn't really excited for?  Yeah, it was a disaster.    Not only did he insist we walk to the Rick's building in the wind and cold around 6pm without dinner, he sat me down at a piano and serenaded me with primary songs he wrote.  And then he insisted that we do our coloring activity for about three hours.  I wanted to die.

After the date was finally over, he sent me at least one text every day for the next week.  I didn't want to be overly friendly and lead him on, so I only responded half the time.  I felt bad, but this guy was really coming on strong.  It was made extra awkward because he was my FHE brother.

Here's my question: is it taboo to pursue someone in your FHE group?

I'm torn.  I know what it's like to be on both ends, being pursued and being the pursuer.  As you just read, being pursued just made things awkward and uncomfortable.  Pursing never lead to anything except a really solid friendships.

Now that I have an FHE group that isn't overly dominated by girls (there are more guys in my ward that girls.  This is a first!) we have one guy apartment and one girl apartment and the playing field is level.  Plus, at least four of the guys are really attractive and pretty funny.  I haven't developed any crushes yet, but they've peaked my interest.

But is it or is it not kosher to be into an FHE brother?  I still don't know.  At this point, I'm hoping it is...

Why boys and girls can't be friends.

I promised that I would write more and, although I already wrote a post today, I felt as though I needed to write another one.  A venting one.

I don't think I've ever really explained who Aiden is.  He's my best friend.  He got back from his mission in 2010 and, conveniently, lives just a couple blocks from my parents house.  I don't remember becoming good friends with him before his mission, but we did hang out a bit.  Aiden is older than me by several years, but he's cursed, so he says, with a look of youth and handsome features.  I was teenager when I first met him and consequently I was dazzled, like most girls are, when they meet him.  The crush died pretty quickly and has never threatened to return.

Since Aiden got back from his mish, we've become really close.  I spent a lot of my time back at home over at his house watching movies and tv shows in his room.  I'd often fall asleep on his bed (it was like sleeping in my brother's bed, don't freak out), wake up at 5am, then drive home in a daze to sleep a couple hours in my bed.  He vented to me about his frustrations with the girl he was pursuing and I'd tell him what guy I was into.  I once told him about my escapades with Daniel, but he doesn't like Daniel much, so I quickly learned to not mention it at all.

This semester he's out here in Idaho and it's been such a joy having him around.  I was a little nervous to have him out here, since last Fall I think he went a little crazy without me at home and bugged the crap out of me.  I told him I liked Isaac and he flew off the handle, telling me that I don't know what kind of guy I need, that I don't need to go for quirky guys because I'm quirky enough.  It pissed me off, especially because he doesn't know the guy at all.  I still really like Isaac as a friend, so I'm still offended that he would act that way about someone I felt a lot about.  But whatevs, I know that Aiden likes to talk about himself, he's not big on other people's issues.  Point is, I was nervous to be around him all the time, but it turns out that it's not so bad.  He's actually a lot of fun up here.  And he has a couple really cute roommates...and, just a side note, but relevant to the blog, I kissed him just about a week ago.  We went out to dinner with friends and I ended up giving him a peck on a dare.  For the rest of the night I felt a little confused about it, but then I got over it. I won't be kissing Aiden again.  Now to get him to quit bringing up the kiss...

Unfortunately, the shiz hit the fan and we haven't spoken since Thursday.  Why?  Because, out of all the girls at BYU-Idaho Aiden decided that he wanted to pursue my roommate, Bianca.  Why should that be such a tragic thing, you ask?  Because I don't really like her.  I've posted about the roommates that I have who go on dates every day and the post about THAT girl was about Bianca.  That doesn't even begin to cover the personal issues I have with her, though.  When I liked Isaac, she would make sure she'd sit on the couch next to him, sharing a blanket even though she knew I really liked him.  She'd makeout with a different guy every night.  She'd dress like a skank with her boobs hanging out but wonder why she never had a steady boyfriend.  It was frustrating seeing someone like her getting dates with really nice guys, only for her to use them and trash them.  Outside the relm of boys and dating, I rather like Bianca.  She's nice and funny.  But those personal issues I expressed to Aiden before he ever met her.  First thing he said to me after he met her was, "She's not even that cute, I don't get what boys see in her."

Aiden is a man and thus is subject to the allure of Bianca, which no man who's stepped foot into our apartment can resist.  He fell for her tricks and took her on several dates last week, despite knowing that I don't approve.  When he finally stopped ditching me and we hung out, I was fuming mad.  In my opinion, I'm not in the wrong for feeling this way, but I feel betrayed.  I feel as though it was completely disrespectful to me, his best friend, and my feelings that I confided in him for him to run off and decide to date my whorish roommate.  I told him what I had to say, how I felt about what he was doing, and he didn't have much of a response (although he did try to compare it to how he felt about Isaac, but that was different; I have a relationship with this girl.  I have to live with her) and we haven't spoken since.

It's so frustrating.  I hate drama.  My mom says that my relationship with Aiden is unhealthy, so this is a good opportunity to distance myself from him.  I kind of agree, but all the same, I'm losing a dear friend and it sucks.

Bianca is a whore.

To my dear readers

I looked at the calendar the other day and realized, "holy cow, it's 2012!  I started this blog because of an event that happened on New Year's Eve last year...it's been a year!"  Then I remembered that I didn't actually start the blog until March of last year, but still, this thing has been in process longer than I ever anticipated.  Mostly I thought I would get bored and let it fall to the wayside, but as time has progressed, I've found that this blog is a really nice release.

There are plenty of things on this blog that I'm not particularly proud of, but it's nice to get them out in the open.  It's nice to have a place to rant about frustrations I have with guys, with dating, with marriage (and my inability to find it.)  I don't want to be the roommate that's constantly complaining about all her boy problems and whatever, so it's just nice to have this.  As my college career continues on, I plan to keep it up and I plan to really commit to writing more about individual dates, my opinion on the way dating should be, and Temple marriage, and less about my insecurities (we'll see how long that one lasts...) but most of all, less about Tyson.  As of recently, I've found myself going back to his facebook to stalk him and rekindle that hatred.  It's unhealthy and I need to quit.  I need to quit Tyson, and everything about him, cold turkey.  I'm committing to doing that right now.  No more.

Now that I've made my commitments public to you, I ask you to commit something to me: leave a comment!  I know I have people who follow the blog (thank you, Google Analytics!) somewhat regularly.  Yes, I can see that you're coming back and reading my posts, Utah.  It's great, I love it.  I like knowing that I'm not just putting these words out into the abyss of internet to be read by no one but myself.

However, it would be reassuring and pleasant to hear a little bit of feed back.  For example, do you think I'm wasting my time with Wade?  I want to think that I'm not, but sometimes I'm not sure.

So yeah, I'll continue to post (not about Tyson) and you'll comment.  Deal?  Deal.

Edit::  Really guys?  This makes me sad.  Help a sista out!

All shook up

I don't know how to feel right now.

Wade says he's been really busy and I believe him, he's given me no reason to not believe him.  But he's also dropped communication way down.  We no longer text all day, I'm lucky if I get more than three texts from him in a day.  I'm on the back burner, I suppose.  It's a weird place to be, since I like talking to him and would look forward to the conversations we would have, and I know he still enjoys talking to me, but it's a little disheartening to have him not showing the enthusiasm he showed before school ended in December.

I have to admit, I kind of got my hopes up pretty high, pretty quickly.  I should know better than to put myself out on the line so quickly, especially when distance is involved.  He just says all the right things to put me at ease, but then doesn't do much to show for it.  I understand that this freaks him out, but at this point, we both know we feel something and wouldn't be opposed to making something real happen, but he's got to get over that fear and actually do something.  I can't be wasting my time any longer.

The waiting and wondering has me so frustrated.  A little sad, too.  I was really hoping something would happen.  I can wait a little longer on him, but not too much.  It's too hard.

Hey Rexburg, I'm back.

After a refreshing two weeks at home, I'm back in The Burg for another go at the dating scene up here.  Okay, I'm might also be up here for school, too.

Winter time is a time for snuggling and watching movies.  It's a time for snowball fights that end with kisses.  It's a time for love to begin.  I'm starting the semester off with high hopes, especially since all the wards got rearranged and now the girl to guy ratio in my new ward is more guys than girls.  Isaac is now in my ward...that could be interesting.  But you know what, I hardly even think of the guy.  Yeah, we're still friends, but I can now see why Aiden (who is now up at BYUI...yay!) is so opposed to my liking him.  Isaac is a good guy, but he's a little too feminine for me.

Wade is still around.  We had a bit of a DTR recently, which resulted in us deciding that we aren't going to become anything until we see each other.  We'll keep our options open and date around, but we'll still talk to each other.  I'm hoping he comes to visit sooner rather than later.  I wouldn't mind seeing if that could really go somewhere.  For the time being, I'll be patient and keep my eyes open while I'm in Rexburg.

All in all, I'm glad to be back.

Newsflash

Sometimes I think about tweeting or posting on facebook, "Hey Tyson!  Sorry you're such a faggot."  But then I think to myself, "Why should I be sorry?  GO SUCK A BIG ONE, TYSON!"  That's usually followed by a string of profanities I don't have the guts to post on the internet.  

I still hate Tyson, in case you were wondering.

Wade is still awesome.  More and more awesome with every passing day.  

For Tyson

For Wade

I can't help falling

Here I am, nearly two weeks after texting Wade for the first time since the summer.  We've talked every single day since then, with the length of time continuing to get longer, and longer.  Last night we skyped for two hours and then texted for another two hours.  My sleeping habits have gone out the window, just in time for finals.

What does it even mean, though?  Here is a guy who lives hundreds of miles away from me, who has his own plan for his life and as of right now, it doesn't include me.  I've got my own plans, which will keep me here in Idaho for another year and a half at the very least.  I don't want to do long distance.  Even the thought of it makes me want to throw up and then curl up in a corner and cry.

I'm the kind of girl who wants to be held.  I want to hold hands and go places together and kiss him whenever I want.  I've done long distance before and it's so hard.  I don't want that with Wade.  If he and I were to date, I'd want to relocate, or bring him out to Idaho.  I'd want it to happen instantly, not sometime down the road.  I don't want to wait.  I'm ready for something real.

I'm ready to leave Tyson and fear behind.  I'm ready to fall in love.  Bring it, Wade.  Continue to make me fall. We can make this work.

Oh geeze

Last night I was super bored and a little down about Isaac and his new squeeze.  I texted Wade for the first time since August with a casual, "It's been awhile, how's it hangin'?" type text.  Now we have a skype date this weekend.  I have to admit, putting myself out there every now and then feels pretty good.  All I had to do was shoot him a simple text and he did the rest of the work for me.  Why does he have to live in another state?

In other news, my roommates are whores.  Seriously, I've never met girls who've made out with 10+ guys in one semester.  I'm puzzled as to how one can feel satisfied with that.  Making out is fun, I completely understand that (um, hello, remember Daniel?) but isn't one guy enough?  Doesn't it get old after awhile?  Don't you want something with more commitment than just a night or two of cuddling and kissing?  Every week they put me to shame, causing me to question whether or not I have any claim at all in calling this blog Confessions of a Mormon Skank.  Maybe I ought to invite them to be guest bloggers...

And so I press on.

A few days ago I found out that Isaac wasted no time with this girl and is now dating her.

I'm not really sure how I thought I would feel when he got a girlfriend, but it certainly wasn't this.  When I first found out, it was like a punch in the gut.  Now I can't do anything by lay in my bed and think about whether or not I made the right decision in not telling him how I feel.

But really, when it comes down to it, I made the right decision.  Not only did he not see anything there on his own, but over the past week or so I've come to see my own value and appreciate what it is that I have to offer.  I've accepted that Isaac just isn't the guy for me and that I don't need to be upset about him liking some other girl.  Big deal.  It happens all the time here at BYU-Idaho.  Everyone is dating everyone and, often the person you want to date is dating someone else.  Get over it, move on.

I need someone to distract me.

Kickin' it in the friend zone

After a long battle with myself over what to do about Isaac, I came to an epiphany today.

Isaac is over the girl he was chasing for a while.  He's got his sight set on someone new already.  He's gaining confidence as far as asking girls out, so it's not like he's hiding behind his fear of rejection anymore.  What does this mean for me?  He's not chasing me.  He's not trying to take me out on a date.  Despite inviting me over to watch movies, he's not coming onto me in a romantic way, it's purely friendship.

What do I stand to gain from telling him that I've been harboring this crush pretty much since I met him?  At this point, nothing.  At this point, I'm so far in the friend zone that telling him I like him would be the equivalent of strapping a bomb to myself and walking over to his apartment to detonate.  It would be a willing destruction of his view of me and my integrity as a woman,

Am I going to tell Isaac that I've been jonesing for his affection these past couple months?  No.  I'm going to wait it out.  I'm going to be the friend that's by his side, supporting him and making him laugh.  I'm going to be the perfect best friend.  If he realizes that I like him, good for him, maybe then we can date.  If he doesn't, oh well.

The point is, I'm worth more than blurting out my feelings for someone just to get a chance when they didn't even notice me before.  I shouldn't have to shout my affections from the rooftop just to be recognized as a player in the game.  If he's smart, he'll realize that I'm one of the best things to ever happen to him.  If he's not, that he'll miss out on something great and I'll end up with someone who's worth my time.

I am Leslie.  I'm worth a guy's full attention.  Let's face it, I'm a pretty rad girl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRISG6pZIoc&ob=av2e

Gettin' serious

It's official, I'm changing my dating views from just having fun, to getting serious and finding someone to settle down with.  I don't know if it's because I'm here at school and marriage is everywhere, that I'm realizing all my friends are either married or having babies, or if I'm just growing up and becoming more mature along the way.  Whatever the cause, I'm finally ready to admit to myself that yes, I'm at BYU-Idaho to find a husband.

This doesn't mean I'm going to marry the first guy that comes along, don't get me wrong.  Marriage isn't necessarily my primary goal of being here, I'm getting a quality education.  I love my classes this semester, things are going really really well.

I'm excited for what the future holds.  I'ma get my marriage on.

My Dilemma

I have a problem.

I've got a friend with whom I spend a lot of time.  We hang out nearly every night, we walk to class together, we cuddle during movies, we text each other funny things.  I really kind of like this guy.  His name is Isaac.  I've been avoiding posting about him because I keep telling myself that I don't want to like him, he's just a good friend.  I feel like posting an official post about Isaac confirms my feelings for him.

It's a little late for confirmation because I've already written plenty of journal entries and every night I come home from his apartment, I'm grilled by my roommates about what's going on with the two of us.  Something is going on and I don't know what it is.  I'm not sure if it's just friendship, since he confides in me about the girls he's been talking to, or if it's something possibly more due to the fact that he makes me take his arm when we're walking about and he strokes my hand or leg or arm when we're watching a movie.  I'm desperate to know whether or not there really is something more there.

Here's my hold up: If I tell Isaac that I'm into him, I could lose the friendship, which I consider to be one that I hold most dear.  Along with his friendship, I could lose my friendship with all his roommates, with whom I also spend a lot of time with.  Or, if I told him and he got awkward, the friendship wouldn't necessarily be lost, but it could be tainted by the awkwardness of the situation.  Or, by some miracle, he could reveal that he's into me as well.  I don't know what to do.

I want to tell him, but I don't.

A Man's Man

I borrowed this from Urban Dictionary to help you get the feel for what I'm trying to get at.

Who is the Man's Man? He's the real class act. He always shaves and wears clothes that fit. He's worldly, educated, and a gentleman. He thinks that buttoned shirts are not just for special occasions and that newspapers have more than one section. While he is polite, he is not a pushover. He will swear when he needs to, but will try to control his temper. He can handle his liquor and keeps himself in shape. Most importantly, he will admit his faults and errors, because that is what real men do.  For these reasons, women want him and men want to be him.


This is what I want (minus the drinking and swearing).  This is what I need.  I need a guy who is going to be a gentleman.  I need a guy who is going to be suave, but mysterious.  I need a guy who's going to crush spiders and change the oil.  I need a guy who's going to watch Saving Private Ryan but get a little misty eyed while doing so.  I need a guy who isn't afraid to be a man, but to balance that out with a softer side.  


Too many of the guys I know are too much of one extreme, either too feminine or too manly.  There's a balance that works and this is where you find the Man's Man.  He's the kind of guy who'll take me on a date dirt biking followed by a lovely dinner at his apartment that we cook together.  I need a guy who'll comfort me when I'm upset, but also someone who'll defend my honor at any cost.  Does that make sense?  


I really need a manly guy.  A manly guy I can hold a long conversation about nothing, or everything, with.  A manly guy who can take care of me and be humble enough to admit that sometimes he needs to be taken care of.  

Despite it all

You know, despite having my meanderings out of my comfort zone with Aaron being utterly destroyed, I have to admit that I feel as though my self confidence has been rejuvenated.  This weekend I've walked a little taller, smiled at more boys, and felt prettier.  It's some weird psychological mindset that I had to get into and asking Aaron out was the trigger.

I've also been listening to things said in stake conference, general conference, and devotionals.  The reoccurring theme is "Stop living in anticipation of things to come, live in the now."  It's such a revelation to me, I'm a little baffled.  I think I was living with this great anticipation that one day, out of the blue, Mr. Right was going to waltz out of the crowd and then we'd start down the road towards our happily ever after.  Now I know that's not how it's supposed to work.  I'm not supposed to constantly be on edge, waiting for that moment when my life will begin.  I'm forgetting that I'm alive now, that I have things going for me.

It's a great feeling, having this sudden boost in self confidence.  I can't quite get over it.

THAT Girl

There's a reason I don't want to be that girl.  The kind of girl that pounces every boy she meets, who manages to sit next to whomever might be the hottest guy at a gathering, who practically forces her number on the male population, who struts up to a fellow after class and asks him out on a date.  I don't want to be that girl and here's why:

It's been my experience that guys want to work for a girl.  It's some weird testosterone thing that I don't quite understand, but I think it has something to do with conquering and feeling like a successful hunter.  There's a period in a relationship where things hinge between friendship and something bigger, flirtations tossed about with a gigantic question mark floating around.  The girl acts coy and reclusive, which allows for the boy to pry and pursue, with the intent of winning her over, causing her to open up and become his.

When a girl takes a more modern approach to dating, she often times finds herself either a) dating a pansy of a guy who allows her to bully the whole 'relationship' into whatever she wants, leaving her dissatisfied with the manliness of her partner.  b) going on dates with guys who are reluctant, if not repulsed, by her forward attitude. Or c) someone who's just not into her, but lets her make the moves up until something like hand holding happens...and gets awkward.   Basically, the 'modern', 'feminist' ways of women taking the lead don't usually end up working.

What's with girls making the moves anyway?  Isn't is emasculating for a guy to have a girl ask him out or take his hand?  If you're into a girl, you grow a pair and ask her out, right?  I sure hope so.

That girl isn't someone I want to be.  I want to have confidence, but I don't want to be overbearing and a man-chaser.  I want guys to think I'm happy and pretty and awesome, but I don't want to flaunt it like today's headlines.  I don't want to be the girl that asks guys on dates.  I don't want to be the move maker.  I want to be a risk taker, but not those kinds.

Operation ask Aaron for his number blew up in my face.  I don't want to go into any more depth than that.  I feel humiliated and the small glimpse of confidence (oh man, did I used to be confident...) is gone.  It's like it was a sign that I'm not supposed to be that girl, even in the slightest.

One more attempt at love failed.  That means I'm that much closer to success.

Today was the day I was going to give Aaron my number and leave the ball in his court.  Unfortunately, he didn't show for class.  I was all ready, I'd given myself a pep talk beforehand, and he didn't show.  Just my luck.  Is this a sign that I ought to just give up?  Maybe.

The only other guy I'm remotely interested in is always surrounded by swarms of girls and my roommate had no problem throwing herself at him over the weekend.  Blah, frustration.

Are you diggin' on me? Cause I'm diggin' on you

There's a guy in one of my classes that I'm completely diggin' on.  His name is Aaron.  We sit by each other and we joke and flirt practically the whole lesson.  I find this kid incredibly attractive, in a sort of dorky way.  I dig dorky guys.  And I like the sweaters he wears.  I really want to spend time with him outside of class, but that requires exchanging number and getting him to ask me to do something.

I've made the decision this semester that I don't want to be the one to ask for someone's number.  I don't want to be that kind of girl.  It's just so hard at BYU-Idaho, where there's a plethora of girls who have no problem being that girl!  I was with a friend last night and he said, "Girls asking boys on dates?  Yeah, that's weird."  I'm terrified of meeting someone I really want to get to know, not being patient, then screw everything up by being too forward.

So here's the deal with Aaron.  I called up Aiden and asked him his advice on how to get Aaron to ask for my number.  Aiden said I need to come up with some sort of activity, but one without a set date.  I'm supposed to invite him to the activity and hopefully he'll offer up his number or ask for mine.  I'm not convinced it's going to work, but I'm think I'm going to try it.  It's a round-about way of getting the kid's number without being one of those pushy, forward girls.

Do you Devo?

If you weren't at devotional today, you missed out on Sister Dalton peeling an Idaho potato at the pulpit and telling the girls to stop hanging out.  The overall message of her talk was lovely, I greatly enjoyed it.  The bit about dating was hilarious.

I feel as though when those boys call me up to watch a scary movie tonight, I need to tell them, "Sorry, I'm busy tonight."

Bored in Rexburg

Big events of the first four weeks of school:

• Aced my first test
• Aced my first essay (take that, APA!)
• Survived the snow
• Creeped on by the Rexburg halloween creepers...twice!
• Molested at the Vivint dance party
• Ripped my favorite jeans
• Went to Utah for Conference and it was SO good

It's obvious, nothing romantic is going on in my life.  I see more guys than anyone else in my apartment and still, nothing is happening.  EFF MY LIFE.  That's what I get for not playing the aggressive card.  Booorriiinngg!

I've noticed lately that more guys are opening the door for me and smiling when I walk by in the hall.  Either I'm suddenly the biggest hottie on campus or men are leaving their douchey ways behind in favor of being the nice guy.  I dig it. Nice guys are nice.  I'm sure they don't know that a smile in the hall brightens my day, but it does.