And so I press on.

A few days ago I found out that Isaac wasted no time with this girl and is now dating her.

I'm not really sure how I thought I would feel when he got a girlfriend, but it certainly wasn't this.  When I first found out, it was like a punch in the gut.  Now I can't do anything by lay in my bed and think about whether or not I made the right decision in not telling him how I feel.

But really, when it comes down to it, I made the right decision.  Not only did he not see anything there on his own, but over the past week or so I've come to see my own value and appreciate what it is that I have to offer.  I've accepted that Isaac just isn't the guy for me and that I don't need to be upset about him liking some other girl.  Big deal.  It happens all the time here at BYU-Idaho.  Everyone is dating everyone and, often the person you want to date is dating someone else.  Get over it, move on.

I need someone to distract me.

Kickin' it in the friend zone

After a long battle with myself over what to do about Isaac, I came to an epiphany today.

Isaac is over the girl he was chasing for a while.  He's got his sight set on someone new already.  He's gaining confidence as far as asking girls out, so it's not like he's hiding behind his fear of rejection anymore.  What does this mean for me?  He's not chasing me.  He's not trying to take me out on a date.  Despite inviting me over to watch movies, he's not coming onto me in a romantic way, it's purely friendship.

What do I stand to gain from telling him that I've been harboring this crush pretty much since I met him?  At this point, nothing.  At this point, I'm so far in the friend zone that telling him I like him would be the equivalent of strapping a bomb to myself and walking over to his apartment to detonate.  It would be a willing destruction of his view of me and my integrity as a woman,

Am I going to tell Isaac that I've been jonesing for his affection these past couple months?  No.  I'm going to wait it out.  I'm going to be the friend that's by his side, supporting him and making him laugh.  I'm going to be the perfect best friend.  If he realizes that I like him, good for him, maybe then we can date.  If he doesn't, oh well.

The point is, I'm worth more than blurting out my feelings for someone just to get a chance when they didn't even notice me before.  I shouldn't have to shout my affections from the rooftop just to be recognized as a player in the game.  If he's smart, he'll realize that I'm one of the best things to ever happen to him.  If he's not, that he'll miss out on something great and I'll end up with someone who's worth my time.

I am Leslie.  I'm worth a guy's full attention.  Let's face it, I'm a pretty rad girl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRISG6pZIoc&ob=av2e

My Dilemma

I have a problem.

I've got a friend with whom I spend a lot of time.  We hang out nearly every night, we walk to class together, we cuddle during movies, we text each other funny things.  I really kind of like this guy.  His name is Isaac.  I've been avoiding posting about him because I keep telling myself that I don't want to like him, he's just a good friend.  I feel like posting an official post about Isaac confirms my feelings for him.

It's a little late for confirmation because I've already written plenty of journal entries and every night I come home from his apartment, I'm grilled by my roommates about what's going on with the two of us.  Something is going on and I don't know what it is.  I'm not sure if it's just friendship, since he confides in me about the girls he's been talking to, or if it's something possibly more due to the fact that he makes me take his arm when we're walking about and he strokes my hand or leg or arm when we're watching a movie.  I'm desperate to know whether or not there really is something more there.

Here's my hold up: If I tell Isaac that I'm into him, I could lose the friendship, which I consider to be one that I hold most dear.  Along with his friendship, I could lose my friendship with all his roommates, with whom I also spend a lot of time with.  Or, if I told him and he got awkward, the friendship wouldn't necessarily be lost, but it could be tainted by the awkwardness of the situation.  Or, by some miracle, he could reveal that he's into me as well.  I don't know what to do.

I want to tell him, but I don't.

THAT Girl

There's a reason I don't want to be that girl.  The kind of girl that pounces every boy she meets, who manages to sit next to whomever might be the hottest guy at a gathering, who practically forces her number on the male population, who struts up to a fellow after class and asks him out on a date.  I don't want to be that girl and here's why:

It's been my experience that guys want to work for a girl.  It's some weird testosterone thing that I don't quite understand, but I think it has something to do with conquering and feeling like a successful hunter.  There's a period in a relationship where things hinge between friendship and something bigger, flirtations tossed about with a gigantic question mark floating around.  The girl acts coy and reclusive, which allows for the boy to pry and pursue, with the intent of winning her over, causing her to open up and become his.

When a girl takes a more modern approach to dating, she often times finds herself either a) dating a pansy of a guy who allows her to bully the whole 'relationship' into whatever she wants, leaving her dissatisfied with the manliness of her partner.  b) going on dates with guys who are reluctant, if not repulsed, by her forward attitude. Or c) someone who's just not into her, but lets her make the moves up until something like hand holding happens...and gets awkward.   Basically, the 'modern', 'feminist' ways of women taking the lead don't usually end up working.

What's with girls making the moves anyway?  Isn't is emasculating for a guy to have a girl ask him out or take his hand?  If you're into a girl, you grow a pair and ask her out, right?  I sure hope so.

That girl isn't someone I want to be.  I want to have confidence, but I don't want to be overbearing and a man-chaser.  I want guys to think I'm happy and pretty and awesome, but I don't want to flaunt it like today's headlines.  I don't want to be the girl that asks guys on dates.  I don't want to be the move maker.  I want to be a risk taker, but not those kinds.

Operation ask Aaron for his number blew up in my face.  I don't want to go into any more depth than that.  I feel humiliated and the small glimpse of confidence (oh man, did I used to be confident...) is gone.  It's like it was a sign that I'm not supposed to be that girl, even in the slightest.

One more attempt at love failed.  That means I'm that much closer to success.

Are you diggin' on me? Cause I'm diggin' on you

There's a guy in one of my classes that I'm completely diggin' on.  His name is Aaron.  We sit by each other and we joke and flirt practically the whole lesson.  I find this kid incredibly attractive, in a sort of dorky way.  I dig dorky guys.  And I like the sweaters he wears.  I really want to spend time with him outside of class, but that requires exchanging number and getting him to ask me to do something.

I've made the decision this semester that I don't want to be the one to ask for someone's number.  I don't want to be that kind of girl.  It's just so hard at BYU-Idaho, where there's a plethora of girls who have no problem being that girl!  I was with a friend last night and he said, "Girls asking boys on dates?  Yeah, that's weird."  I'm terrified of meeting someone I really want to get to know, not being patient, then screw everything up by being too forward.

So here's the deal with Aaron.  I called up Aiden and asked him his advice on how to get Aaron to ask for my number.  Aiden said I need to come up with some sort of activity, but one without a set date.  I'm supposed to invite him to the activity and hopefully he'll offer up his number or ask for mine.  I'm not convinced it's going to work, but I'm think I'm going to try it.  It's a round-about way of getting the kid's number without being one of those pushy, forward girls.

An attempt at dating

There's this guy from the same YSA ward as Tyson and Daniel named Peter who asked me out about a month ago.  He wanted to take me out to this taco place after institute, but it was closed.  Instead we went to a BBQ place and ate and talked.  Peter is really funny.  Like, hilarious.  I couldn't keep a smile off my face because this dude was constantly saying smart things that made me crack up.  All in all, it was really fun.  I enjoyed it.  We followed up the date with another one the following week to go see the movie Captain America.  I liked the movie, he totally wanted me to hold his hand, and he totally wanted to kiss me at the end of the night.  But we did neither.

So what's the problem with Peter?  Nothing really, expect I think of him as a good friend, someone I like to spend time with but not someone I'm tempted to kiss or hold hands with.  Maybe it's his beard, maybe it's that I don't know him very well, or maybe it's even that I want someone who has the guts to actually hold me hand or kiss me, not someone who will hint at it but waits for me to make the move.  I don't want to make the move, I want a man who'll show me he wants something by asking me out on a date and the kissing me on my front door step.  Doesn't the saying go "It's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission"?   What's with all these pansy boys who won't go in for the kill?  I refuse to give in to that laziness.  If I'm on a second (or third or fourth etc) date with you, the thought of kissing you has definitely crossed my mind.

Despite having so much fun with Peter when we go out, I've realized that I'm also sad when we're together and he's asking me to feel how cold his hands are or he's leaning his head on my shoulder.  I'm sad because I'm not into him and I don't feel that connection even though I really want to.  I don't want to feel alone anymore.  I think I'm still looking for someone who made me feel the way Tyson did and I don't know if I can be happy with anything less than that.  I trusted him so much...

Flirting: To Play At Love

Flirting.  We all do it, it's enjoyable, it's playful, it's fun.  But what is it?  Why do we do it?  What does it mean?

My personal definition of flirting is it's a slightly sensual, inviting, teasing way of interacting.  The dictionary says flirting is "to play at love."  It's lighthearted, sometimes serious, sometimes innocent fun.  Flirting is one of the main ways men and women can interact and introduce the possibility of something bigger blossoming.  It's hard not to flirt with someone you're into.  It's a way to show that person that you are fun, interesting, and clever.  I like to think of myself as a master flirt, since I've had ample time and boys to practice.  It's an art form, really.   It's all about the subtle moves and the subtext underlying the words you use.  Once you've master the two individually, the combination of a movement and a simple comment that could mean so much can do a lot to a guy (Or a girl, whichever.)

There's this guy, Chase, with whom I'm good friends.  He served in the same mission as Aiden.  While Chase was on his mission, his family moved into my stake, so now he's in the same YSA ward as me and Aiden.  We hang out on the weekends with big groups (Chase works a summer job about 2 hours south of here, but comes home on the weekends) and it's awesome.  He's not the kind of guy you'd see and think, "Oh dang!  That is one great looking dude!  I want him NOW!"  Don't get me wrong, he's attractive, but he's not drop dead gorgeous.  He's tall (like, really tall), dark hair, pretty hazel eyes, but he's a little awkward looking.  I think that's why I'm attracted to him; I like the awkward boys.  Chase is hilarious.  I enjoy a good banter and Chase is a good banterer, I could talk to him endlessly.  I think it's his wit that makes him that way.  Whatever it is, there's something simply irresistible about this guy.

Last weekend Chase came over to my house and we sat in my room on my bed (with the door propped open, my parents were home) and talked.  He told me all his woman woes, which are many.  He's got chicks throwing themselves at him right and left and he doesn't know how to field them away.  He likes this girl who lives in his hometown, a couple states away. She's just barely 18 and his best friend's younger sister, so he's feeling a little hesitant, but he really digs her.  I'm the cool platonic girlfriend, so he can tell me all these things and feel like we're on safe ground, stuck in the friend zone.  In fact, Chase wants me to act as his secretary of dating so I can help him get rid of all the unworthy girls and send all the hot ones on to him.  I'm flatter that he would trust me that way, but his shallowness is ridiculous.  He's got a type: tall, skinny, leggy, cheerleader girls.  I'm not tall, not a cheerleader type, I've got killer legs, but they're shot,and I'm not the skinniest (I'm not overweight, but I'm not rail thin.)  So the friend zone.  I'm stuck there, probably for awhile.

Where's the correlation between flirting and Chase?  We flirt a lot.  It goes right along with the banter that goes on.  We joke around that we're almost dating and he calls me Babe all the time.  It's supposed to be a strategy to get girls who he doesn't want to like him to think he's unavailable, but I think I'm enjoying it way too much.  With the whole Tyson thing fresh in my mind, having something fun to throw my attention into is such a relief.  I like being able to take my mind off of something so negative that makes me feel like crap and focus on something that's fun and lighthearted and doesn't really call for much effort or commitment.

In short, I like flirting with Chase.  I like pretending to be his almost girlfriend, but not having to be committed.  I like not having to think about Tyson all the time.  We'll have to wait and see what happens, though.  Chase and I will both be going on to BYUI in the Fall, so we'll see if I can progress out of the friend zone.