All Smiles

This weekend I went on a date.

I didn't know him very well, it's been kind of random the interaction we've had.  We talked in the library, we've exchanged a few texts over the past couple months, I all but forgot he exists.  His name is Kirk, he's from the area I'm from, but I never knew him back home.  I was feeling bored this weekend, as was he, so we decided to get together and spend time together for the first time pretty much ever.  I think I was more nervous for this than my date with Aaron, though I had more to be nervous about with him.  I can't really explain it other than I was excited and nervous and anxious for the date to happen.

When he picked me up, we went to G's Dairy and got ice cream before heading to Smith park to toss the frisbee around and talk a bit.  I've said it before, but there's nothing wrong with going to the park on a date.  I've been to them a lot recently and it's been kind of nice doing something lowkey as a first date rather than something overly planned like dinner, then a movie, then hanging out at someone's apartment, then going on a walk before saying goodnight.  It's great to have a whole day date, fellas, but maybe not until you really know the girl.  First date?  Remember to just KISS.  No, not plant one on her, I mean Keep It Simple, Stupid.  Don't over plan a first date.

Alas, I digress...  Back to Kirk and Smith park.  It was really fun.  We ate our ice cream and talked about our families and our hobbies.  I felt like family came up more than usual and I kept finding myself telling story after story about my parents.  Weird, but kind of nice.  My parents are the bomb, I love them.  It was so easy to laugh and get to know Kirk better.  His questions for me were interesting and things I hadn't ever really thought about.  I found myself telling him things I don't normally bring up on a first date.  Occasionally our hands would brush and I felt a surge of butterflies rip through my stomach.  It was such a perfect day, you have no idea.

After a couple hours he took me home and asked if he could walk me to the door and insisted that he get the car door for me (I love that.  I'm a sucker for a gentleman.)  When we got to my front door he gave me a good, slightly lingering hug, and said, "I had a really good time with you.  I'd like to see you again, maybe this next week.  May I call or text you?"  Of course, Kirk.  You may call on me as much as you like!

Shortly after he left I got a text message from him telling me again that he enjoyed our time together.  Que more butterflies.

Some of you may pause and beg the question, "What about Jake?  What about Aaron?"  I haven't spoken to Aaron in over a week.  He's dropped off the face of the planet.  He reads this blog (or does on occasion) so he should be aware that I don't know what his deal is, what he wants out of this, whether or not he just wanted to make out with someone or if he was genuinely interested in a relationship.  Either way, I'm not going to go out of my way to make something work with someone who doesn't return the favor.  Sorry, Aaron.  You're a good guy, I'm sure you'll find an awesome girl you can't get enough of.

I decided this past week that I'm not going to even lead Jake on a little bit anymore.  He's got too much baggage going on, I don't even want to attempt to deal with that.  He needs more time to get over his divorce, he needs to not cling to the first (okay, second) girl that comes along.  There's a girl out there for him, she's just not me.

I'm not banking on anything happening with Kirk.   I'm interested, though.  He's very...normal.  Interesting, but normal.  I like normal.  It's a good thing.  We'll see!

Gettin' serious

It's official, I'm changing my dating views from just having fun, to getting serious and finding someone to settle down with.  I don't know if it's because I'm here at school and marriage is everywhere, that I'm realizing all my friends are either married or having babies, or if I'm just growing up and becoming more mature along the way.  Whatever the cause, I'm finally ready to admit to myself that yes, I'm at BYU-Idaho to find a husband.

This doesn't mean I'm going to marry the first guy that comes along, don't get me wrong.  Marriage isn't necessarily my primary goal of being here, I'm getting a quality education.  I love my classes this semester, things are going really really well.

I'm excited for what the future holds.  I'ma get my marriage on.

My Dilemma

I have a problem.

I've got a friend with whom I spend a lot of time.  We hang out nearly every night, we walk to class together, we cuddle during movies, we text each other funny things.  I really kind of like this guy.  His name is Isaac.  I've been avoiding posting about him because I keep telling myself that I don't want to like him, he's just a good friend.  I feel like posting an official post about Isaac confirms my feelings for him.

It's a little late for confirmation because I've already written plenty of journal entries and every night I come home from his apartment, I'm grilled by my roommates about what's going on with the two of us.  Something is going on and I don't know what it is.  I'm not sure if it's just friendship, since he confides in me about the girls he's been talking to, or if it's something possibly more due to the fact that he makes me take his arm when we're walking about and he strokes my hand or leg or arm when we're watching a movie.  I'm desperate to know whether or not there really is something more there.

Here's my hold up: If I tell Isaac that I'm into him, I could lose the friendship, which I consider to be one that I hold most dear.  Along with his friendship, I could lose my friendship with all his roommates, with whom I also spend a lot of time with.  Or, if I told him and he got awkward, the friendship wouldn't necessarily be lost, but it could be tainted by the awkwardness of the situation.  Or, by some miracle, he could reveal that he's into me as well.  I don't know what to do.

I want to tell him, but I don't.

A Man's Man

I borrowed this from Urban Dictionary to help you get the feel for what I'm trying to get at.

Who is the Man's Man? He's the real class act. He always shaves and wears clothes that fit. He's worldly, educated, and a gentleman. He thinks that buttoned shirts are not just for special occasions and that newspapers have more than one section. While he is polite, he is not a pushover. He will swear when he needs to, but will try to control his temper. He can handle his liquor and keeps himself in shape. Most importantly, he will admit his faults and errors, because that is what real men do.  For these reasons, women want him and men want to be him.


This is what I want (minus the drinking and swearing).  This is what I need.  I need a guy who is going to be a gentleman.  I need a guy who is going to be suave, but mysterious.  I need a guy who's going to crush spiders and change the oil.  I need a guy who's going to watch Saving Private Ryan but get a little misty eyed while doing so.  I need a guy who isn't afraid to be a man, but to balance that out with a softer side.  


Too many of the guys I know are too much of one extreme, either too feminine or too manly.  There's a balance that works and this is where you find the Man's Man.  He's the kind of guy who'll take me on a date dirt biking followed by a lovely dinner at his apartment that we cook together.  I need a guy who'll comfort me when I'm upset, but also someone who'll defend my honor at any cost.  Does that make sense?  


I really need a manly guy.  A manly guy I can hold a long conversation about nothing, or everything, with.  A manly guy who can take care of me and be humble enough to admit that sometimes he needs to be taken care of.  

Despite it all

You know, despite having my meanderings out of my comfort zone with Aaron being utterly destroyed, I have to admit that I feel as though my self confidence has been rejuvenated.  This weekend I've walked a little taller, smiled at more boys, and felt prettier.  It's some weird psychological mindset that I had to get into and asking Aaron out was the trigger.

I've also been listening to things said in stake conference, general conference, and devotionals.  The reoccurring theme is "Stop living in anticipation of things to come, live in the now."  It's such a revelation to me, I'm a little baffled.  I think I was living with this great anticipation that one day, out of the blue, Mr. Right was going to waltz out of the crowd and then we'd start down the road towards our happily ever after.  Now I know that's not how it's supposed to work.  I'm not supposed to constantly be on edge, waiting for that moment when my life will begin.  I'm forgetting that I'm alive now, that I have things going for me.

It's a great feeling, having this sudden boost in self confidence.  I can't quite get over it.