Rawr

There's a guy in my ward (not Will) who is super cute.  I hate to admit that I spent a long time this evening using whatever resources I had to find out his last name and, consequently, thoroughly Facebook stalk him.

Not only did I succeed in finding him, finding out that he has a girlfriend, but I also found out that he's eighteen.  He's not just a premie, he's a fresh out of high school premie.  Do I feel like a cougar?  Yes, I do.

I feel like guys have an easier time spotting their prey (indulge me here, I'm going with the whole 'cougar' thing) in the sense that a) They don't have to really even think about the mission thing because it's not required for girls, b) most freshmen girls are pretty easy to spot; if not by their youthful faces, then certainly by their immature attitudes c) boys don't really care, as long as she fun and pretty.  For girls, particularly "older" girls like me (clarification: older is not mid-twenties, it's early twenties.  At BYU-I do, that is considered old) , it's really hard to decipher how old a guy is.  It's a challenge (sometimes) to get them to mention something about their mission, which helps you gauge whether or not they're in the dateable zone.  If he doesn't mention it right off the bat, then he's either a premie or he's a little more humble than your typical, "When I was on my mission..." kind of guy.

Point is, I never know when a guy is a premie or an RM.

I'm not a cougar on purpose, it just happens.  He was too attractive.  And too young.

-facepalm-

The Ben Report

Ben showed up around noon, thankfully (or not..?) by then I had finished an essay I had due tonight and, of course, didn't start until 10am this morning.  Am I an essay writing machine?  Perhaps.  No wait, I definitely am.  A humble one, though.  Anyway. . .

I honestly had no idea what to do with him.  I felt awkward and tired and, quiet frankly, bored to tears with the conversation.  I killed some time showing him around campus, puffing my chest up with pride over the I Center (have I ever mentioned that I love that building?) and beamed when he gushed over how lavish the Crossroads is.  From there we went out to lunch with some friends.  We wanted to go to Ying Yang (you know, the chinese place over by Domino's and that new candy shop) but they were closed for lunch, so we headed to Costa Vida.  Were you there today?  We may have seem each other and not even realized it.

After lunch was when things got way weird, since I wanted to take a nap or watch a movie or do something leisurely.  But we didn't, we just sat on my couch, sort of shot the breeze, and played games on our cell phones.  I escaped to my room a few times and vented to roommates that I just wanted him to leave.

But seriously, who invites themselves to visit for an entire day when you haven't even talked more than a word or two in the past six months?  It doesn't make sense.  I was so furious.  There went sleeping in and watching the Bachelor (don't judge me; it's a guilty pleasure.)

We rounded the day off with some sledding at the dunes and a movie on TV.  Then, instead of staying for the night, he decided to head home around 9pm.  What a relief.

His intentions were to get out of Provo for a day or two, but I'm positive he wouldn't have minded if I had gotten all up in his personal space.  The dude is older and ready for a wife, but makeouts are still okay by him.  The closest we got, though, was sitting in the backseat together.  No worries, he won't be comin' around any time soon.

Ben comes a'calling

A couple summers ago a guy in my singles ward asked me out on a date.  His name was Ben, he was older than me by a couple of years (but let's face it, most of the guys in my singles ward were way older than me.  I was a youngin' for that ward) but he was funny and smart and pretty well off (guy was a rocket scientist.  Seriously.)  The date was fun, for the most part.  We went to a sporting event and our team won.  I had fun supporting the team and cheering at the top of my lungs with Ben.  I was turned off, however, when it was announced that the tickets from that game would be good at a local restaurant for the next week for a free burger.  Normally that wouldn't be a turn off; I love food.  However, Ben announced how excited he was to take those two tickets, his and mine, to use them to take another girl from our ward on a date that weekend.  

I had assumed we would use them to get some post-game grub, but apparently I didn't even have a claim on my own ticket.  Granted, he paid for them, but it was still rude.  Since then, I've been disinclined to go on another date with Ben.  I mean, seriously, who talks about future dates with other people while on a date?  Not my first topic of conversation.  

Ben is the kind of guy who'll comment on everything I post on Facebook with something witty and flirty for a couple weeks, then go completely AWOL and not talk to me for a couple months.  I don't really mind, I've never been really attracted to him, he's just a friend.  These past couple weeks, however, he's been pretty adamant about posting how cute I look in pictures, how I'm so funny, etc.  Out of the blue, he texted me and told me he was in Utah for the weekend but had no plans.  He hasn't ever been to Rexburg and, essentially, he invited himself up for a visit.

I'm fairly certain I'm the only person Ben knows here.  I now have the responsibility to entertain him for the weekend and I'm not really ready for that.  I was planning on baking and writing papers all day, but now I have the obligation of going out and about to show this guy what's so great about Rexburg.  I love this town, I really do, but I'd rather enjoy it at my leisure, rather than be forced out my apartment on the weekend to show around some guy who was blatantly rude on a date.

Wish me luck.

Valentine's Day is fast approaching

Valentine's Day.  Two words that invoke visions of cherubs, boxes of chocolates, and lingerie.  They also invoke visions of sitting by yourself, stabbing little paper cutouts with a pair of childproof scissors.

Valentine's Day, Single's Awareness Day, Lonely Heart's Unite, Vamlumtimes Day, V-Day, Cupid's Holiday...whatever you call it, it's sure got two very different sides.

Out of all the Valentine's Days of my past, I've spent only one of them with a boyfriend (Joe.  I've mentioned him before.  He's not much to talk about... definitely a boyfriend I regret).  And, at the time, Joe lived across the country since we were both on our off track.  We sent each other pretty awesome Valentine's packages that were super cute (mine was better; I bought a GIANT (!!!) stuffed bear and put a voice recording of a sweet message in it's paw.  I'm the best girlfriend) but other than that, it was pretty uneventful.

This year I don't think will be any different from the previous years; I will sit in my apartment, most likely joined by roommates, for an evening of chickflick watching, wallowing in our lack of men.  It will be a S.A.D party to the max.  Maybe we'll even deck the walls with torn up hearts and images of Cupid bleeding with his own arrow stabbed in his chest.  But I'm not hostile towards the holiday or anything...

It would be nice to have someone to hold on Valentine's Day.  I have 20 days to get the guy.  Will, watch your back.

When I get married, I'm wearing this on Valentine's Day.  Only this.

The first step in moving on...

It's been a snowy weekend.  Well, snowy and rainy.  Is it bad that I kind of wish it was all snow?  I'm ready for some snowball fights and building forts.  Being from California, I never really got to do that stuff when I was a kid, so being in Rexburg in the winter takes me back to my younger years.  Makes me feel like a kid again.  Snow feels pretty magical.  I feel like love is in the air when it snows.  

Also, I feel pretty good about forgetting about Wade.  In fact, I don't really feel like I miss him.  Or think about him nearly as much.  Having an interest helps.  I decided this weekend that, yeah, it's okay to be interested in your FHE brother.  As long as I stick to my guns and not freak out and overwhelm the dude, it won't hurt anything to develop a crush.

His name is William, Will for short.  He's an RM, which is nice, since premies drive me crazy.  You're too young for me, boy!  Super cute, gorgeous baby blue eyes, hilarious personality.  We played hangman on scrap paper during Sunday school today, but we still participated and he had a couple really good, spiritual insights.  Man, I don't know if there's anything more attractive than a man who knows how to be chill, but also how to be spiritual.  That's not true, a man holding a child would give him a run for his money.

I have a hard time saying that I have a full blown crush on the kid, based on the fact that I really hardly know him.  For now, we'll just stick with him being an interest.

Will has peaked my interest and I'm okay with that.  Who knows, with these snow storms blowing in, maybe love will blow my way.

Tweet Tweet

Look to your right, underneath my bio.  See something new?

Yeah, that's right, Leslie got herself a Twitter account.  Twitter is a guilty pleasure of mine and I often find myself wanting to tweet things that would be relevant to this blog...so I caved and I made a Mormon Skank one.  I'm really excited for it, actually.  More followers?  I hope so!

Go ahead and follow me.  Make my day, I dare you.

I kinda dig closure

Yesterday I started talking to Wade for a bit, just kind of breaking a silence that had lasted a couple of days (except on Facebook; Wade likes to like or comment on everything I post) and after a couple of texts I got pretty fed up with the wondering and asked him if he'd thought about what we talked about (visiting, what he wants out of this...) and pretty much if he'd made a decision.  

He said he wants to visit, he just doesn't know what he'll be able to.  He told me he feels like he's in the right place right now, which means he won't be moving out in Idaho any time soon.  Then he pretty much told me that we can be friends, but right now he feels like he's in the right place and he's not going to do anything until he gets the feeling that he needs to do something else.  

I knew this was what was going to happen; I can see the signs, I can recognize when something is dying.  It was the ever present optimist in me that was clinging to the shred of hope that maybe, just maybe Wade would wake up and take action.  

It is what it is, I've prepared myself for this moment, I'm feeling alright.  It'll take off some of the worry and wonder and headache that Wade has been these past couple months.  And truthfully, it was really fun for that first little while.  I really liked having someone to talk to all the time and text and flirt with.  

Maybe next time it will just happen with someone who's living in the same town as me.

Fingers crossed!

FHE Bros: Hands on or hands off?

Remember that time I mentioned the date last semester that I wasn't really excited for?  Yeah, it was a disaster.    Not only did he insist we walk to the Rick's building in the wind and cold around 6pm without dinner, he sat me down at a piano and serenaded me with primary songs he wrote.  And then he insisted that we do our coloring activity for about three hours.  I wanted to die.

After the date was finally over, he sent me at least one text every day for the next week.  I didn't want to be overly friendly and lead him on, so I only responded half the time.  I felt bad, but this guy was really coming on strong.  It was made extra awkward because he was my FHE brother.

Here's my question: is it taboo to pursue someone in your FHE group?

I'm torn.  I know what it's like to be on both ends, being pursued and being the pursuer.  As you just read, being pursued just made things awkward and uncomfortable.  Pursing never lead to anything except a really solid friendships.

Now that I have an FHE group that isn't overly dominated by girls (there are more guys in my ward that girls.  This is a first!) we have one guy apartment and one girl apartment and the playing field is level.  Plus, at least four of the guys are really attractive and pretty funny.  I haven't developed any crushes yet, but they've peaked my interest.

But is it or is it not kosher to be into an FHE brother?  I still don't know.  At this point, I'm hoping it is...

Why boys and girls can't be friends.

I promised that I would write more and, although I already wrote a post today, I felt as though I needed to write another one.  A venting one.

I don't think I've ever really explained who Aiden is.  He's my best friend.  He got back from his mission in 2010 and, conveniently, lives just a couple blocks from my parents house.  I don't remember becoming good friends with him before his mission, but we did hang out a bit.  Aiden is older than me by several years, but he's cursed, so he says, with a look of youth and handsome features.  I was teenager when I first met him and consequently I was dazzled, like most girls are, when they meet him.  The crush died pretty quickly and has never threatened to return.

Since Aiden got back from his mish, we've become really close.  I spent a lot of my time back at home over at his house watching movies and tv shows in his room.  I'd often fall asleep on his bed (it was like sleeping in my brother's bed, don't freak out), wake up at 5am, then drive home in a daze to sleep a couple hours in my bed.  He vented to me about his frustrations with the girl he was pursuing and I'd tell him what guy I was into.  I once told him about my escapades with Daniel, but he doesn't like Daniel much, so I quickly learned to not mention it at all.

This semester he's out here in Idaho and it's been such a joy having him around.  I was a little nervous to have him out here, since last Fall I think he went a little crazy without me at home and bugged the crap out of me.  I told him I liked Isaac and he flew off the handle, telling me that I don't know what kind of guy I need, that I don't need to go for quirky guys because I'm quirky enough.  It pissed me off, especially because he doesn't know the guy at all.  I still really like Isaac as a friend, so I'm still offended that he would act that way about someone I felt a lot about.  But whatevs, I know that Aiden likes to talk about himself, he's not big on other people's issues.  Point is, I was nervous to be around him all the time, but it turns out that it's not so bad.  He's actually a lot of fun up here.  And he has a couple really cute roommates...and, just a side note, but relevant to the blog, I kissed him just about a week ago.  We went out to dinner with friends and I ended up giving him a peck on a dare.  For the rest of the night I felt a little confused about it, but then I got over it. I won't be kissing Aiden again.  Now to get him to quit bringing up the kiss...

Unfortunately, the shiz hit the fan and we haven't spoken since Thursday.  Why?  Because, out of all the girls at BYU-Idaho Aiden decided that he wanted to pursue my roommate, Bianca.  Why should that be such a tragic thing, you ask?  Because I don't really like her.  I've posted about the roommates that I have who go on dates every day and the post about THAT girl was about Bianca.  That doesn't even begin to cover the personal issues I have with her, though.  When I liked Isaac, she would make sure she'd sit on the couch next to him, sharing a blanket even though she knew I really liked him.  She'd makeout with a different guy every night.  She'd dress like a skank with her boobs hanging out but wonder why she never had a steady boyfriend.  It was frustrating seeing someone like her getting dates with really nice guys, only for her to use them and trash them.  Outside the relm of boys and dating, I rather like Bianca.  She's nice and funny.  But those personal issues I expressed to Aiden before he ever met her.  First thing he said to me after he met her was, "She's not even that cute, I don't get what boys see in her."

Aiden is a man and thus is subject to the allure of Bianca, which no man who's stepped foot into our apartment can resist.  He fell for her tricks and took her on several dates last week, despite knowing that I don't approve.  When he finally stopped ditching me and we hung out, I was fuming mad.  In my opinion, I'm not in the wrong for feeling this way, but I feel betrayed.  I feel as though it was completely disrespectful to me, his best friend, and my feelings that I confided in him for him to run off and decide to date my whorish roommate.  I told him what I had to say, how I felt about what he was doing, and he didn't have much of a response (although he did try to compare it to how he felt about Isaac, but that was different; I have a relationship with this girl.  I have to live with her) and we haven't spoken since.

It's so frustrating.  I hate drama.  My mom says that my relationship with Aiden is unhealthy, so this is a good opportunity to distance myself from him.  I kind of agree, but all the same, I'm losing a dear friend and it sucks.

Bianca is a whore.

Looks like a solo tonight

Do you ever go through phases where you listen to one specific artist nonstop?  I'm going through a Hey Monday phase.  I adore them.  Song of the day, putting my feelings somewhat into words, Candles.

The power lines went out 
And I am all alone 
But I don't really care at all 
Not answering my phone 
All the games you played 
The promises you made 
Couldn't finish what you started 
Only darkness still remains 

Lost sight 
Couldn't see 
When it was you and me 

Blow the candles out 
Looks like a solo tonight 
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out 
Looks like a solo tonight 
But I think I'll be alright

Been black and blue before 
There's no need to explain 
I am not the jaded kind 
Playback's such a waste 
You're invisible 
Invisible to me 
My wish is coming true 
Erase the memory of your face 

Lost sight 
Couldn't see 
When it was you and me 

Blow the candles out 
Looks like a solo tonight 
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out 
Looks like a solo tonight 
But I think I'll be alright

One day 
You will wake up
With nothing but "you're sorrys"
And someday
You will get back 
Everything you gave me 

Blow the candles out 
Looks like a solo tonight 
I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out 
Looks like a solo tonight 
But I think I'll be alright

I still don't know what to do about Wade.  Nothing has improved since we talked last week.  Trying to have a conversation is still like pulling teeth.  I want so badly to believe what he said last week, I just can't help but anticipate the inevitable day when he decides he doesn't want me.

To my dear readers

I looked at the calendar the other day and realized, "holy cow, it's 2012!  I started this blog because of an event that happened on New Year's Eve last year...it's been a year!"  Then I remembered that I didn't actually start the blog until March of last year, but still, this thing has been in process longer than I ever anticipated.  Mostly I thought I would get bored and let it fall to the wayside, but as time has progressed, I've found that this blog is a really nice release.

There are plenty of things on this blog that I'm not particularly proud of, but it's nice to get them out in the open.  It's nice to have a place to rant about frustrations I have with guys, with dating, with marriage (and my inability to find it.)  I don't want to be the roommate that's constantly complaining about all her boy problems and whatever, so it's just nice to have this.  As my college career continues on, I plan to keep it up and I plan to really commit to writing more about individual dates, my opinion on the way dating should be, and Temple marriage, and less about my insecurities (we'll see how long that one lasts...) but most of all, less about Tyson.  As of recently, I've found myself going back to his facebook to stalk him and rekindle that hatred.  It's unhealthy and I need to quit.  I need to quit Tyson, and everything about him, cold turkey.  I'm committing to doing that right now.  No more.

Now that I've made my commitments public to you, I ask you to commit something to me: leave a comment!  I know I have people who follow the blog (thank you, Google Analytics!) somewhat regularly.  Yes, I can see that you're coming back and reading my posts, Utah.  It's great, I love it.  I like knowing that I'm not just putting these words out into the abyss of internet to be read by no one but myself.

However, it would be reassuring and pleasant to hear a little bit of feed back.  For example, do you think I'm wasting my time with Wade?  I want to think that I'm not, but sometimes I'm not sure.

So yeah, I'll continue to post (not about Tyson) and you'll comment.  Deal?  Deal.

Edit::  Really guys?  This makes me sad.  Help a sista out!

We keep going round...

Side note, Daniel got engaged last week.  Weird?  Weird.  I'm happy for him, though.  The kid is hilarious and handsome and deserves all the happiness in the world.  My best wishes to Daniel and his beautiful bride-to-be!

After a weekend of not talking, Wade and I talked on the phone again about what it is that we're doing.  I feel like we just had this talk, but apparently we didn't say everything that needed to be said.  Here's a pretty basic version of what was said:

Leslie:  Wade, things are different and you can't blame it all on being busy.  Either you need to start communicating to me what's going on or you need to tell me that this is too much for you so I can forget about you and really move on.
Wade:  I'm not ignoring you on purpose, I've been busy, I don't know what to do about this.  At all.  I guess I decided to take some time to think about things, I just didn't know what to say to you.
Leslie: You have to do something.  I'm not going to sit around and wait.  And if you need time, tell me, don't just take it.  It sucks to be on this end, where I don't know anything.
Wade:  I know.  I just don't want to hurt you, or the girl that lives here that asked me out.  It would be easier to date her, but I want to date you, but you live forever far away.  I just don't know what to do.
Leslie:  Do what will make you happiest, someone will get hurt less now than later down the line.  Seriously consider visiting Idaho.  Really, really think about it.  In the meantime, don't shut me out.  We like each other because we enjoy talking to each other, so if you let fear creep in, we'll lose that and essentially lose everything.
Wade:  I'll consider it, really.  Don't write me off, keep me as an option.  Don't limit yourself, but don't write me off.  I need to figure some things out, but I think about you a lot and I want to stay in the running.  Thanks for calling me out.

That was basically it.  It went more in depth and I feel as though he told me more about how he's feeling about the situation and why he's so mixed up.  I also told him a lot of my frustration with everything and why I don't want to just wait around.  I'm fine with him going on dates with other girls, I fully intend to date around this semester, but if he's got intentions of actually dating that girl, he needs to tell me.  I don't want to have another Tyson situation happen.  Wade said he doesn't want to be like Tyson, that I deserve so much more than that.  I hope he lives up to what he said.

For now I'm not holding my breath, but I'm not giving up on Wade just yet.  Something about him makes me think that something really good could still come from this.  We'll see, I s'pose.

All shook up

I don't know how to feel right now.

Wade says he's been really busy and I believe him, he's given me no reason to not believe him.  But he's also dropped communication way down.  We no longer text all day, I'm lucky if I get more than three texts from him in a day.  I'm on the back burner, I suppose.  It's a weird place to be, since I like talking to him and would look forward to the conversations we would have, and I know he still enjoys talking to me, but it's a little disheartening to have him not showing the enthusiasm he showed before school ended in December.

I have to admit, I kind of got my hopes up pretty high, pretty quickly.  I should know better than to put myself out on the line so quickly, especially when distance is involved.  He just says all the right things to put me at ease, but then doesn't do much to show for it.  I understand that this freaks him out, but at this point, we both know we feel something and wouldn't be opposed to making something real happen, but he's got to get over that fear and actually do something.  I can't be wasting my time any longer.

The waiting and wondering has me so frustrated.  A little sad, too.  I was really hoping something would happen.  I can wait a little longer on him, but not too much.  It's too hard.

Hey Rexburg, I'm back.

After a refreshing two weeks at home, I'm back in The Burg for another go at the dating scene up here.  Okay, I'm might also be up here for school, too.

Winter time is a time for snuggling and watching movies.  It's a time for snowball fights that end with kisses.  It's a time for love to begin.  I'm starting the semester off with high hopes, especially since all the wards got rearranged and now the girl to guy ratio in my new ward is more guys than girls.  Isaac is now in my ward...that could be interesting.  But you know what, I hardly even think of the guy.  Yeah, we're still friends, but I can now see why Aiden (who is now up at BYUI...yay!) is so opposed to my liking him.  Isaac is a good guy, but he's a little too feminine for me.

Wade is still around.  We had a bit of a DTR recently, which resulted in us deciding that we aren't going to become anything until we see each other.  We'll keep our options open and date around, but we'll still talk to each other.  I'm hoping he comes to visit sooner rather than later.  I wouldn't mind seeing if that could really go somewhere.  For the time being, I'll be patient and keep my eyes open while I'm in Rexburg.

All in all, I'm glad to be back.