California Romance

I've been home for a little over a week and thus far Kirk and I have been able to get together a couple times to do things.  It's been pretty lowkey, going to the movies and grabbing a bite to eat.  It's been so much like a dream, I'm still trying to accept what's going on as reality.

On our second date, our first after the semester ended, we went and got dinner in LA followed by ice cream.  He's really easy to talk to and the more time I spend with him, the most I come to appreciate his humor and really gentle demeanor. Everything about him is adorable.  I went home with this goofy grin on my face and it stuck around all day.

The third time we saw each other we went out to a movie.  He picked me up and away we went.  During the movie I kept waiting for him to hold my hand.  We were both doing the sort of awkward my-hand-is-totally-available thing on our legs, but I've decided that this thing with the Cap'n?  Yeah, he's taking the lead. I did not want to be the one to hold his hand first.  I kind of fail at that, though, so I grabbed his hand during a tense moment in the movie (Batman, by the way.  So good.)  He gripped my hands with both of his and held it to his chest the rest of the movie.  He rubbed his thumb over mine and it was so perfect.  After the movie was over we spent the whole drive back to my place talking about the movie and what we liked about it.  When we got back to my house, we sat on the couch for a bit and watched an episode of Parks and Rec (hilarious show.  I love Amy Poehler.)  When it was finally super late and time for Kirk to head home, he sat forward on the couch and looked back at me.

There are a split second when he was looking at me when my mind went crazy saying, "Is he going to do it?  Is Kirk going to kiss me?"  Then he glanced at my lips and started leaning in.  I can't even explain the explosion in my head.  It was something like, "AAHHH, He's going to kiss meeeee!!!!"  And what a perfect kiss it was.  It was slow and gentle, but long and just...perfect.  I haven't been kissed like that in a long time, if ever.

There are people who kiss just to kiss, where the first kiss is rushed in order to get to making out.  While it's fun, it lacks the emotion that creates a real connection between two people.  Then there are people like Kirk who kiss to express something.  He kissed me like I was a woman, something to be woo'd and drawn in.  Something delicate and precious.  I swear, I saw fireworks.

Kirk is something real.  He's genuine and handsome and kind.  He's funny and mellow.  I think I'm really falling for him.

End of the semester blues

There are great things about BYU-Idaho, but there are also downers.  One big downer is the track system.  I have a love/hate relationship with it.  I love that I don't HAVE to be in Idaho in the Winter, but I hate that only half the people I know will be here next semester.  I absolutely loathe clean checks and the fact that we have them the same time of finals.  Who planned that?  Why not have clean checks on the Monday and Tuesday following finals, giving us time to focus on our studies and then a whole weekend to clean and pack and prepare.

Why not?  Because that's just too much time.  We must have everything done by the Saturday after classes end otherwise we'll be charged up the wazoo.  Thanks a lot, BYUI.  I appreciate it.

Now that the semester has ended, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.  I mean, things with Cap'n (if you don't follow my twitter account, you should know that I've taken to calling Kirk 'Cap'n') went swimmingly at the end of the semester, but we didn't really get to see each other on account of schedules not lining up and moving out and such, which is a maaaajor bummer.  But hey, he's from relatively close to where I'm from and we're both going home for the break.

We're planning on seeing each other.  I can't believe this small glimmer of hope.  Cap'n might be something genuine.  In the meantime, I'm sick of cleaning, packing, moving, and unpacking.  Oh, and driving.  I'm sick of driving.

Happy seven week break, BYUI!

What My Mother Taught Me

My mother is the best woman I know.  Not only is she funny and intelligent, but she's also really superb at giving advice.  I can remember many a time in my younger years when she would listen to me moan and groan about my love interest at the time, then she'd tell me what she thought I should do, and then she'd say, "Remember, Leslie, I'm always right."  Crazy thing is, she IS always right!  She must have been blessed with the gift of having a knack for being right because I can't think of a situation in which she was wrong.

One time when I was a teenager I was looking around in some boxes in the garage when I stumbled across a journal.  I peeked it open and discovered that it was my mom's journal from her junior year in high school.  Dude.  My mother got around.  One week she was dating the quarterback, the next week she was making out with a boy from her seminary class.  She kind of reminds me of someone...

Anyway, I haven't talked to my mom much recently, which is a long story not for you to know, but I haven't been able to get her advice on anything I've been doing lately.  Instead I've been talking to my sister about all these guys that have suddenly appeared in my life.  My sister is pretty much a younger version of my mom, so her advice to me, albeit not always right like my mother's, is something I take to heart.

On Jake she said, "You can do better.  He needs to go in the rejection pile."
After Aaron all but disappeared completely she said, "He didn't sound like a good fit anyway.  He was just a fling, forget about him Leslie.  You're better off without him."
About Kirk she's said, "A total keeper!  I love it!"

So yeah, at this point, it's safe to say that I can rule out a couple options completely.  I really hope this seven week break is eventful and not just a big, dateless stretch of time.  Fingers crossed!

All Smiles

This weekend I went on a date.

I didn't know him very well, it's been kind of random the interaction we've had.  We talked in the library, we've exchanged a few texts over the past couple months, I all but forgot he exists.  His name is Kirk, he's from the area I'm from, but I never knew him back home.  I was feeling bored this weekend, as was he, so we decided to get together and spend time together for the first time pretty much ever.  I think I was more nervous for this than my date with Aaron, though I had more to be nervous about with him.  I can't really explain it other than I was excited and nervous and anxious for the date to happen.

When he picked me up, we went to G's Dairy and got ice cream before heading to Smith park to toss the frisbee around and talk a bit.  I've said it before, but there's nothing wrong with going to the park on a date.  I've been to them a lot recently and it's been kind of nice doing something lowkey as a first date rather than something overly planned like dinner, then a movie, then hanging out at someone's apartment, then going on a walk before saying goodnight.  It's great to have a whole day date, fellas, but maybe not until you really know the girl.  First date?  Remember to just KISS.  No, not plant one on her, I mean Keep It Simple, Stupid.  Don't over plan a first date.

Alas, I digress...  Back to Kirk and Smith park.  It was really fun.  We ate our ice cream and talked about our families and our hobbies.  I felt like family came up more than usual and I kept finding myself telling story after story about my parents.  Weird, but kind of nice.  My parents are the bomb, I love them.  It was so easy to laugh and get to know Kirk better.  His questions for me were interesting and things I hadn't ever really thought about.  I found myself telling him things I don't normally bring up on a first date.  Occasionally our hands would brush and I felt a surge of butterflies rip through my stomach.  It was such a perfect day, you have no idea.

After a couple hours he took me home and asked if he could walk me to the door and insisted that he get the car door for me (I love that.  I'm a sucker for a gentleman.)  When we got to my front door he gave me a good, slightly lingering hug, and said, "I had a really good time with you.  I'd like to see you again, maybe this next week.  May I call or text you?"  Of course, Kirk.  You may call on me as much as you like!

Shortly after he left I got a text message from him telling me again that he enjoyed our time together.  Que more butterflies.

Some of you may pause and beg the question, "What about Jake?  What about Aaron?"  I haven't spoken to Aaron in over a week.  He's dropped off the face of the planet.  He reads this blog (or does on occasion) so he should be aware that I don't know what his deal is, what he wants out of this, whether or not he just wanted to make out with someone or if he was genuinely interested in a relationship.  Either way, I'm not going to go out of my way to make something work with someone who doesn't return the favor.  Sorry, Aaron.  You're a good guy, I'm sure you'll find an awesome girl you can't get enough of.

I decided this past week that I'm not going to even lead Jake on a little bit anymore.  He's got too much baggage going on, I don't even want to attempt to deal with that.  He needs more time to get over his divorce, he needs to not cling to the first (okay, second) girl that comes along.  There's a girl out there for him, she's just not me.

I'm not banking on anything happening with Kirk.   I'm interested, though.  He's very...normal.  Interesting, but normal.  I like normal.  It's a good thing.  We'll see!

Ya'll Rock part 2

There is no purpose for this post other than to express my appreciation for consistent readers.

Remember when I posted about reaching 2000 views?  Yeah, that was about a month and a half ago.  Well I'm now just shy of 3000 views.  I don't know if ya'll have been sharing my page or what, but this sky rocketing popularity is getting to my head.  I keep thinking to myself whenever I check my blog stats, "Dang, Leslie.  You're the freaking bomb!"

I never thought so many people would find my life interesting enough to read about consistently.  I wish I had chosen a different name for myself rather than The Mormon Skank.  Oh well, what's done is done.  Please continue to read my blog!  Feel free to leave comments, I try my best to respond to the ones I get.  I find your advice encouraging and enlightening.  Sometimes it gets hard to see things clearly when you're in a situation, so it's nice to have an outside perspective.

Fun fact about me:  My sweet tooth is through the roof.

Cheers!

A whole lot of stuff

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this past weekend was terrifically hard.

Dealing with personal issues heightens my sensitivity in all departments and this weekend was full of personal, familial issues.  Without going into detail, just know that I am trying to hold my head up here in Idaho while things at home are falling apart.  I feel helpless and alone, unable to do anything but wait for news.

I.am.a.mess

On top of that, I'm confused on what it is I should be doing with those men in my life.  This past week I went on a date with Jake.  He'd been asking me forever when we'd be able to go and his persistence was getting tiresome.  I had previously consented to go on a date, so I felt it was only fair that I allow him to take me on one date before I break his poor heart and tell him I'm not interested.

When I headed over to his apartment to start the date, I didn't know what to expect.  Gentlemen, let it be known that I'm a sucker for a guy who knows how to wear cologne.  There's a fine line between too much and too little, but Jake has it down pat.  He greeted me in the parking lot with a hug and I was engulfed in one of the best smelling hugs I've ever had.  I'll be he drugged me with that, because as soon as we stepped inside I became a freaking bimbo.  He played me some music, both on the guitar and the piano, all of which was played very well.  I'm not usually one for being serenaded on a first date, but for some reason I didn't mind.

I also didn't mind when Jake decided to show me some really lame, silly magic tricks.  I felt like a thirteen year old being entertained by her crush.  I giggled and played along, being surprised when I was supposed to be.  Eventually we decided to go see a movie, preceded by grabbing something to eat somewhere.  We sat in the lobby of Taco Bell (my choice) eating dorito tacos (again, my choice.  they're marvelous) talking about serious things, like why he didn't go on a mission and what his plans for the future are.  It was a really enlightening conversation, actually.  All through dinner I kept finding myself wondering what life would be like if I opened myself up to the possibility of liking Jake and what it would be like.

We went and saw The Amazing Spiderman.  First of all, the movie was excellent.  I loved it, despite covering my face every time there was a spider on screen.  Arachnophobe's curse, I suppose.  During the movie there were several intense moments.  Jake noticed that I was a little on edge (I get that way during intense moments.  It happens.) so he leaned over, incredibly close, and whispered in my ear, "Would it be alright if I held your hand?"  I hesitated.  Aaron flashed through my mind, as did my post where I mentioned that "any attraction I once had for him has since packed it's bags and gotten the heck outta Dodge."  I'd be a hypocrite if I allowed Jake to hold my hand.  I told him no, but he noticed the hesitation.  I think he misinterpreted it as my hesitation to move too quickly.  Ummmm, no.

Sorry Jake, but dating a divorcee who didn't go on a mission isn't necessarily something I think I ought to do.  I spoke with my sister about this and mentioned to her that my patriarchal blessing specifically says I'll have the opportunity to marry "a worthy, young returned missionary" and she pointed out to me that those details aren't something that you find in every patriarchal blessing.  I'm not sure if I ought to bank so much on this that I don't even give Jake a chance, but at that same time, that blessing is a pretty big deal.

As far as Aaron goes, I don't know what is going on.  I saw him on Friday night.  I stopped by his apartment to drop off a DVD.  I felt awkward and kind of like an after though.  The guy is busy, I recognize this, but for someone who seems so willing to make out with me last weekend, there was a surprising lack of conversation this week.  If this is his idea of the beginning of a relationship, then I imagine that the actual relationship we could have would be remarkably nonexistent.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but this beginning stage of a relationship should be the time where we can't get enough of each other rather than eh, maybe we'll hang out once or twice this week and talk every four days.

I don't want to deal with any of this.

I want someone to talk to, someone to confide in, someone to hold me when all I want to do is cry.  Things are hard.  This blog and school aren't the only things going on in my life.  I want someone to be as interested in getting to know me as I am getting to know him.

Someday.

I choose you, Pikachu!

Have you listened to the Civil Wars?  I'm in love with them.  I don't know what it is about today, but for some reason their songs are just wrenching me around.  I feel sad, somber, alone.  I think it's just an off day and these songs are heightening all the feelings swarming around inside my head and chest.


Jakesent me a text yesterday that said, "I just had a thought...if you were a pokémon, I'd choose you!"  It was kind of cute, particularly because I loved pokémon as a kid, so it definitely made my smile.  However, I didn't know how to respond.  I don't want to say I'm trying to get rid of Jake, he's a good friend, but I don't want to lead him on.  For some reason, any attraction that was once there has since packed it's bags and gotten the heck outta Dodge.  When Jake makes cute comments to me or smiles at me or asks to hang out, I get kind of irritated and even a little bummed.  I want him to stop trying.  Meh.


It's been a long time since I talked about Tyson.  While I still feel a bitter pang of hurt when I think about him, much of that has passed.  Something I was reminiscing on recently was the fact that before his mission, Tyson and I talked 24/7.  If we weren't physically together, we were having an ongoing text conversation that was simply put on hold while someone was at work or when we fell asleep.  We would resume the conversation as soon as we could.  We took turns asking each other invasive questions and then responded to the questions as honestly as we could, no matter how vulnerable it made us feel.  We bore our souls to each other.  I've never been so openly honest with someone, neither before nor after Tyson.  I've never been so vulnerable in my life.


That's something that's missing right now.  I'd like to get to know Aaron better, but I don't really know how. We don't spend a lot of time together and when we are together, we're usually making out.  I said it before, I rushed kissing Aaron.  I don't wholly regret it, but at the same time it presents a hurdle in the communication department.  We could talk until late hours in the night telling each other secrets, ooorrrr we could make out. Let's face it, we'll probably make out more often than not.  Don't get me wrong, I like making out.  A lot.  One of my favorite pastimes.  However, I do like talking and getting to know someone and learning to trust.  If we're always making out, where does this come into play?


I'm a mess.  As soon as I think things are going well and I'm going to be able to sort things out and have a clear view of what's going to happen in the future, days like today come and slap me in the face, sending me sprawled out on the ground.  

I have never wanted a Pikachu more than this moment right now.

Epiphany

So much can happen in such a short amount of time.  These past couple weeks have been such a mind blowing whirlwind, I hardly know where to begin.

You're dying to know what's happening with myself and Aaron, I know it.  I've seen him four times.  Total.  Ever, in my entire life, I've only seen him four times.  It doesn't feel like such few times, but we've only seen each other for a few brief nights of fun watching movies, walking around the park, and making out wherever we see fit.  Like I said, it's been a whirlwind.  

The past two times we've seen each other, Aaron and I have gone for drives out into the middle of Nowhere, ID in order to seek out adventure.  The first time we ended up who knows where, clambering  over shrubbery in the middle of the night (BYUI has a curfew?  Oops...), gripping each others hands tightly, investigating some sun bleached bovine bones.  And yes, then we ended up back at his car, which he leaned me up against and gave me a good kissin'.  I can't say I've ever effectively made out leaning against the outside of a car, but somehow it worked that night.  We made out outside his car, in his front seat, and in his back seat.  

Aaron is a guy who likes to take control.  With Daniel the guy I'd most recently kissed before Aaron (can a year still be considered recent?), this has been quiet a change.  Daniel liked when I took over and basically told him what to do, being the one to lead the make out.  Aaron is different.  He let's me to things I'm used to, but he jumps in there and changes things up.  He takes my hands and holds them over my head, or sometimes just wraps his arms around me and squeezes me so we sit there, holding each other, just breathing.  It's nice.  It's fun and enjoyable and downright comfortable.  

I don't know if Aaron is going to be staying in Rexburg for the Fall and that kind of terrifies me.  I know I've had a lot of talk about Wade and long distance and how I'm totally willing to do it, but I think I'm just that: all talk.  Because, let's be honest, where is a long distance relationship going to get me?  Lonely, anxious, alone, and frustrated.  That's where.  I do not want to be there.  I'm ready for something real, something tangible.  If Aaron doesn't stay in the Fall, I don't know if I'd be able to pursue something more serious with him.  I don't know what I'll do.

Oh, and of course when things are going with Aaron, Jake pops up into my life trying to be my main man.  I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have Jake tell me contradicting things.  For example, one of the major points he made early on it our conversations was that so soon after his divorced was finalized, he's not ready to date just one person, he wants to date around.  However, he recently ended a relationship (one he had been kind of tricked into) and now he's telling me he's ready for a relationship with one girl, just not with that girl.  He'd rather get into a relationship with me.  He said, "I wasn't really attracted to that girl.  She was talented and I liked that, but I'll be honest, you're the cool girl.  I want to get to know you and I think there's potential. I mean, you've got your head on straight.  I feel like a lot of the girls here at BYUI are majoring in things like elementary education just to pass the time until they get married.  You aren't, though.  You have a plan and you have goals.  I think that's important. I like that."  

It wouldn't be fair for me to allow Jake to talk like that without telling him that I've been seeing someone else.  I neglected to tell him the extent of my time with Aaron, but I made him aware that I've been going on dates with other people (okay, just Aaron) and that things have progressed significantly with one guy in particular.  Most of it's Jake's own fault, anyway.  I was interested, he asked me out on a date, he never followed up, he ended up dating this girl from our class, and because of that, I pretty much wrote him off.  Seriously, why should I wait around for a divorcee to finish dating a girl he didn't even like?  Instead I moved forward and Aaron came into the picture.  Sorry Jake, you squandered your chance.  

I don't really want to address the subject matter of Wade, but I feel  ought to, since I dedicated so much time to moping over his texts and the dreamy hopes of "maybe someday."  He and I hashed it out over the phone last week, when I told him I was frustrated and wanted him to visit and he told me he was also frustrated and he is pretty much planning to visit.  Then he went off on his latest business plan, telling me all about how excited he is for his future.  I have to admit, I'm a little smitten with his drive and desire to do something he loves, but I can't help but find his consumption with this business and hobby of hiking overwhelming.  Between his plans to hike and hopes to inflate his business, there is no room for change.

In that off chance scenario, how does a girl like me fit into someone's tight knit plans?  I don't.  Wade lives in a world that doesn't include me, no matter how you twist it.  I can't be a part of his world, I can't keep hoping that one day he'll wake up and want to fit me in.  He won't.  And now I don't care.  Talking to him has become a burden.  I just don't care.  I didn't expect to feel that way after our phone call, which was overall pleasant and enlightening.  

If someone's life is built without the possibility of my fitting into it, why should I waste time hoping to miraculously have things bend to my will?

I shouldn't.  

Whoever I end up marrying will go to the ends of the earth to fit me into his plans.  Of this I am sure.