You're dying to know what's happening with myself and Aaron, I know it. I've seen him four times. Total. Ever, in my entire life, I've only seen him four times. It doesn't feel like such few times, but we've only seen each other for a few brief nights of fun watching movies, walking around the park, and making out wherever we see fit. Like I said, it's been a whirlwind.
The past two times we've seen each other, Aaron and I have gone for drives out into the middle of Nowhere, ID in order to seek out adventure. The first time we ended up who knows where, clambering over shrubbery in the middle of the night (BYUI has a curfew? Oops...), gripping each others hands tightly, investigating some sun bleached bovine bones. And yes, then we ended up back at his car, which he leaned me up against and gave me a good kissin'. I can't say I've ever effectively made out leaning against the outside of a car, but somehow it worked that night. We made out outside his car, in his front seat, and in his back seat.
Aaron is a guy who likes to take control. With Daniel the guy I'd most recently kissed before Aaron (can a year still be considered recent?), this has been quiet a change. Daniel liked when I took over and basically told him what to do, being the one to lead the make out. Aaron is different. He let's me to things I'm used to, but he jumps in there and changes things up. He takes my hands and holds them over my head, or sometimes just wraps his arms around me and squeezes me so we sit there, holding each other, just breathing. It's nice. It's fun and enjoyable and downright comfortable.
I don't know if Aaron is going to be staying in Rexburg for the Fall and that kind of terrifies me. I know I've had a lot of talk about Wade and long distance and how I'm totally willing to do it, but I think I'm just that: all talk. Because, let's be honest, where is a long distance relationship going to get me? Lonely, anxious, alone, and frustrated. That's where. I do not want to be there. I'm ready for something real, something tangible. If Aaron doesn't stay in the Fall, I don't know if I'd be able to pursue something more serious with him. I don't know what I'll do.
Oh, and of course when things are going with Aaron, Jake pops up into my life trying to be my main man. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to have Jake tell me contradicting things. For example, one of the major points he made early on it our conversations was that so soon after his divorced was finalized, he's not ready to date just one person, he wants to date around. However, he recently ended a relationship (one he had been kind of tricked into) and now he's telling me he's ready for a relationship with one girl, just not with that girl. He'd rather get into a relationship with me. He said, "I wasn't really attracted to that girl. She was talented and I liked that, but I'll be honest, you're the cool girl. I want to get to know you and I think there's potential. I mean, you've got your head on straight. I feel like a lot of the girls here at BYUI are majoring in things like elementary education just to pass the time until they get married. You aren't, though. You have a plan and you have goals. I think that's important. I like that."
It wouldn't be fair for me to allow Jake to talk like that without telling him that I've been seeing someone else. I neglected to tell him the extent of my time with Aaron, but I made him aware that I've been going on dates with other people (okay, just Aaron) and that things have progressed significantly with one guy in particular. Most of it's Jake's own fault, anyway. I was interested, he asked me out on a date, he never followed up, he ended up dating this girl from our class, and because of that, I pretty much wrote him off. Seriously, why should I wait around for a divorcee to finish dating a girl he didn't even like? Instead I moved forward and Aaron came into the picture. Sorry Jake, you squandered your chance.
I don't really want to address the subject matter of Wade, but I feel ought to, since I dedicated so much time to moping over his texts and the dreamy hopes of "maybe someday." He and I hashed it out over the phone last week, when I told him I was frustrated and wanted him to visit and he told me he was also frustrated and he is pretty much planning to visit. Then he went off on his latest business plan, telling me all about how excited he is for his future. I have to admit, I'm a little smitten with his drive and desire to do something he loves, but I can't help but find his consumption with this business and hobby of hiking overwhelming. Between his plans to hike and hopes to inflate his business, there is no room for change.
In that off chance scenario, how does a girl like me fit into someone's tight knit plans? I don't. Wade lives in a world that doesn't include me, no matter how you twist it. I can't be a part of his world, I can't keep hoping that one day he'll wake up and want to fit me in. He won't. And now I don't care. Talking to him has become a burden. I just don't care. I didn't expect to feel that way after our phone call, which was overall pleasant and enlightening.
If someone's life is built without the possibility of my fitting into it, why should I waste time hoping to miraculously have things bend to my will?
I shouldn't.
Whoever I end up marrying will go to the ends of the earth to fit me into his plans. Of this I am sure.
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