Trust, Sincerity, and Hope

I want to address something that happened in relation to my last post. I think it's important.

I wrote that post  in response to a friend of mine, Scott, who figured out that I write this blog. Well done, Scott. You solved the riddle everyone wants to know (at least that's what I tell myself.) Why was I so upset over this? Because Scott wasn't careful with my secret and he blatantly talked about it-no, announced it-in a room full of people. Having worked hard to keep my identity on the DL, only telling people I trust-not telling a bunch of strangers- this was really kind of irritating. On top of that, he was talking about it with this girl who was hanging all over him. Yeah, okay, I admit that this was perturbing because Scott is really fun to flirt with and I was a little miffed that she was there. It just added fuel to the fire.

If you've read my last post, you know that I was really on one. I was pretty pissed. Trust is a huge thing for me and I feel like throughout my life, particularly since graduating from high school, it has been constantly betrayed. Maybe I trust too easily, I don't know. Regardless, when someone betrays my trust, even if it's just something small, like telling that I write this blog, it cuts deep. I keep thinking of my experience with Tyson and how he utterly destroyed my trust and how Greg (I don't think I've blogged about him, but let's just say I nearly hitched my wagon to a disaster) used my trust in order to get away with breaking commandments right under my nose without me even noticing. These are extreme examples, but they give you some insight as to why having my trust betrayed cuts so deeply. It's the foundation for why I reacted the way I did.

The douche bag post was immature. It was petty. It was kind of funny and I ended up having fun with it, but I shouldn't have gone about taking my frustration public. I should have talked with Scott rather than writing that post and getting upset at his apartment, calling him a douche and a dick. I snapped when I should have kept my cool.

Anyway, now that you have that little preface, what I really want to write about is Scott's response to my reaction to his behavior. I didn't get this until late the next day, but this is the message Scott sent me:

Leslie,
I'm sorry for what I did. I figured I wasn't telling people that knew about the blog and so it wouldn't matter. That was my fault, I shouldn't have told anyone anyway. I promise not to tell anyone anymore. I am sorry for being a douche to you. I didn't realize I was, I guess that's the point of being a douche, you never know when you are. I appreciate you telling me and I will fix it. I hope you still come around and that we can be friends. If you don't want to, I understand.

I must still be caught up in the insincerity that saturated Kirk's many apologies to me, because this left me floored. I didn't anticipate something like this, nor did I really remember what it was like to be really apologized to. Most guys I know at BYU-Idaho have way too much pride to step up and admit they did something wrong and apologize for it.

Scott is the real deal. He knows what's up. He apologized for what he did, he acknowledged exactly what it was that was the issue, owned up to having been out of line, told me he would fix it, told me he still wants a friendship, but ultimately left it up to me, yet in an understanding way. That is how an apology should be. That is how you know someone really means what they say and aren't simply saying it out of obligation.

When Kirk "apologized" to me for treating me so terribly, it felt nothing like this. It took being called out for him to say "I am sorry. I am a jerk and an idiot. I am sorry for being such an 'animal'" There's nothing about his apology that really told me he meant what he said.They were empty words meant to make him feel like his obligation to me was finished, he was off the hook. Sorry, dude, that ain't an apology.

Having Scott act the way he has has given me a little glimmer of hope that good men still exist. Not all of them are Tysons or Kirks. Sure, we still have to put up with them occasionally acting like giant douche bags, but at least they'll recognize when they ought to stop. I don't think he knows how much I appreciate that apology.

Scott is pretty awesome.