I've heard it said that, "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." (Mean Girls quote, in case you live on another planet and didn't pick up on that already.) You'd think that attending an LDS school would limit the slutiness around Halloween, but noooo, no no no, certainly not. This is the time of year that it's okay to dress like a common whore and get away with it.
I went to a ward Halloween party where our bishop was hosting it and girls came in wearing tights with underwear over them, a corset, and a cape to pass off as "slutty superman" or something like that. It was utterly appalling. Or maybe I'm just the girl who lacks the balls to wear such a thing to a ward function....haha, yeah right. Totes inapro-pro (Thank you to my younger brother for sharing that phrase with me. I love it and hate it. Totes)
I realize that most of you come onto the blog just to read and lurk, but I'm really curious. What was the most awful costume you saw last night, whether it be immodest, weird, poorly done, or scary?
I stopped by the party on campus at the Hart because there was NOTHING else going on in town. Seriously, Rexburg, what gives? I know there was a boatload of dance parties last weekend, but what about Halloween night? Last year it was on a school night as well, yet the town was hoppin! What's the deal? Anyway, back to the Hart. It was alright. We had fun dancing up on each other, freaking out the Molly Mormon girls dancing near us. If we aren't going to dress like sluts, we're at least going to dance like them.
The night wasn't a total waste. My roommates and I flirted with some random dudes who invited us into their apartment. We watched a scary movie with some other guys. It was fun! I love Halloween.
But now that it's November...is it too early to hang mistletoe?
p.s. Does anyone know how to fix the text on this post? Sometimes My posts randomly get highlighted in white and I don't know how to undo it.
Showing posts with label mormon skank. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mormon skank. Show all posts
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Hook, Line, and Sinker
I feel like Wade is a tornado that rips through my life every couple of months, sometimes leaving destruction, sometimes narrowly missing vital parts of the town of my heart.
Seriously, I don't know why I'm still into this guy because it's completely obvious he's scared of commitment, especially when distance is involved. Things fell apart in December when we started talking about visiting and that possibility, so now that we're talking about him coming to visit again, I'm kind of scared he's going to be overcome with hesitation again and disappear. I still don't have anything to lose with him, since he's still far away and there's a bit of a disconnect between us since we're not together.
Wade and I had a bit of a conversation last night, started by a bit of texting. Ever since our conversation the other day he's been trying to figure out why I want to kiss him, which seems silly to me, since it's obvious that I'm into him and he should know that's the reason. He's put in a lot of guesses, most of them are ridiculous. This was last night's conversation:
Wade: My guess still. Maybe something with an attraction? You're attracted to me?
Me: Yes, you're correct; I'm attracted to you.
Wade: I don't really understand how though?
Me: You don't think you're an attractive fellow?
Wade: Well I mean...I'd like to think so. But I guess I don't know what it is that attracts you to me. Cause you've only met me like that one time, you know?
Me: Did you know I dated a guy long distance for nearly seven months? We saw each other for a total of four days and previously hadn't seen each other for several years. There's more to attraction than being around each other. Personalities, visual (which is limited, but you get an idea and for me, it's good enough) then when you actually get to be together you see if the attraction sticks around. For me and the other guy, being apart just made being together in person all that much better.
Wade: I didn't know that. I just think that would be really hard. I have some friends who have done that but like I guess I just don't know if I could or not. But I do get the attraction part, like when you see each other it would be all hot-like, and steamy. Now I will tell you your personality is attractive. I don't know if you know that.
Me: I hope it's attractive. :) Obviously things didn't work with him, but that's mostly because he didn't want to become active in the church. Otherwise we would have gotten married. We more or less had a date picked and everything. I'm not saying doing long distance is what you and I should do, my point is I know I'm able to care deeply for someone and be attracted to them even if we're thousands of miles apart. That's why I want to kiss you. Because I like you, even though I've only met you once. You're funny and smart and driven and all around attractive. I think being together in person would just enhance it.
Wade: Wow, I'm really sorry that didn't work. And I commend you for making the choice you did, however you did it. I can only imagine it was still hard. If we're being honest, I just don't know that I could do long distance, or that I couldn't. But I wouldn't want to cheat you by making you just think I could, you understand? Now I'm not opposed to kissing you either no matter what I've lead on. I actually think it would be pretty epic.
As you can tell, the texts started getting really long and in depth, so I figured it was time for a phone call. I haven't talked to Wade on the phone for months and months. At one point in the conversation, he even pointed out that we haven't talked for at least four or five months. I think it's been more like six months.
We talked for just about an hour. I can't even remember half of the things we talked about, I just know that it was raw and intense and honest. I don't think he's ever been so upfront with me. He admit that I scare the hell out of him because I'm not safe. I'm far away and my personality is attractive and mysterious and he's terrified that if he visits he won't want to leave. That terrifies him. But he really wants to visit and he wants to kiss me. It's silly, but my heart flopped a bit when he said, "I'll be honest, I want to kiss you. Like, a lot." First pump!
I told him how I know I have nothing to lose, but I also know how terrified he gets of change and risk, so I haven't put all my eggs in the basket. I'm a risk taker. If there's not risk involved, it's too safe and I don't really feel like it's worthwhile. I don't know how to get Wade to get on board with that, but I think he's getting there.
I can't even begin to tell you how nervous this situation makes me. I talk big talk with Wade about how I'm a big girl and I know what I'm getting myself and I can handle a little heart ache, if that's where it's going to go. But he's got me hopeful yet again.
I'm the most ridiculous person once I'm hooked. Simply put, none of the other guys compare to Wade. They might be cute and fun, but I don't have the same ease in conversation with any of them. Wade makes things so easy. I want to tell him everything, I want him to understand me and what I'm thinking and feeling.
Seriously, I don't know why I'm still into this guy because it's completely obvious he's scared of commitment, especially when distance is involved. Things fell apart in December when we started talking about visiting and that possibility, so now that we're talking about him coming to visit again, I'm kind of scared he's going to be overcome with hesitation again and disappear. I still don't have anything to lose with him, since he's still far away and there's a bit of a disconnect between us since we're not together.
Wade and I had a bit of a conversation last night, started by a bit of texting. Ever since our conversation the other day he's been trying to figure out why I want to kiss him, which seems silly to me, since it's obvious that I'm into him and he should know that's the reason. He's put in a lot of guesses, most of them are ridiculous. This was last night's conversation:
Wade: My guess still. Maybe something with an attraction? You're attracted to me?
Me: Yes, you're correct; I'm attracted to you.
Wade: I don't really understand how though?
Me: You don't think you're an attractive fellow?
Wade: Well I mean...I'd like to think so. But I guess I don't know what it is that attracts you to me. Cause you've only met me like that one time, you know?
Me: Did you know I dated a guy long distance for nearly seven months? We saw each other for a total of four days and previously hadn't seen each other for several years. There's more to attraction than being around each other. Personalities, visual (which is limited, but you get an idea and for me, it's good enough) then when you actually get to be together you see if the attraction sticks around. For me and the other guy, being apart just made being together in person all that much better.
Wade: I didn't know that. I just think that would be really hard. I have some friends who have done that but like I guess I just don't know if I could or not. But I do get the attraction part, like when you see each other it would be all hot-like, and steamy. Now I will tell you your personality is attractive. I don't know if you know that.
Me: I hope it's attractive. :) Obviously things didn't work with him, but that's mostly because he didn't want to become active in the church. Otherwise we would have gotten married. We more or less had a date picked and everything. I'm not saying doing long distance is what you and I should do, my point is I know I'm able to care deeply for someone and be attracted to them even if we're thousands of miles apart. That's why I want to kiss you. Because I like you, even though I've only met you once. You're funny and smart and driven and all around attractive. I think being together in person would just enhance it.
Wade: Wow, I'm really sorry that didn't work. And I commend you for making the choice you did, however you did it. I can only imagine it was still hard. If we're being honest, I just don't know that I could do long distance, or that I couldn't. But I wouldn't want to cheat you by making you just think I could, you understand? Now I'm not opposed to kissing you either no matter what I've lead on. I actually think it would be pretty epic.
As you can tell, the texts started getting really long and in depth, so I figured it was time for a phone call. I haven't talked to Wade on the phone for months and months. At one point in the conversation, he even pointed out that we haven't talked for at least four or five months. I think it's been more like six months.
We talked for just about an hour. I can't even remember half of the things we talked about, I just know that it was raw and intense and honest. I don't think he's ever been so upfront with me. He admit that I scare the hell out of him because I'm not safe. I'm far away and my personality is attractive and mysterious and he's terrified that if he visits he won't want to leave. That terrifies him. But he really wants to visit and he wants to kiss me. It's silly, but my heart flopped a bit when he said, "I'll be honest, I want to kiss you. Like, a lot." First pump!
I told him how I know I have nothing to lose, but I also know how terrified he gets of change and risk, so I haven't put all my eggs in the basket. I'm a risk taker. If there's not risk involved, it's too safe and I don't really feel like it's worthwhile. I don't know how to get Wade to get on board with that, but I think he's getting there.
I can't even begin to tell you how nervous this situation makes me. I talk big talk with Wade about how I'm a big girl and I know what I'm getting myself and I can handle a little heart ache, if that's where it's going to go. But he's got me hopeful yet again.
I'm the most ridiculous person once I'm hooked. Simply put, none of the other guys compare to Wade. They might be cute and fun, but I don't have the same ease in conversation with any of them. Wade makes things so easy. I want to tell him everything, I want him to understand me and what I'm thinking and feeling.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Wade In
If you know anything about me by now, it's that I have a hard time letting go of certain guys. Tyson was one of them, Wade is another. I don't really post about Wade anymore because there's not much to say other than there's a small piece of me that can't help but get excited when a text from him pops up. Back in January someone commented advising me to forget Wade, even though I'm in love with him. I've never really said aloud, even to Matilda, that I'm in love with Wade, but I think there's a part of me that fell so hard for him.
Matilda is here in Rexburg and as a result, Wade is thinking of coming to visit (He's really good friends with her husband. Also with her, but he and her hubby have a bromance of sorts.) He's really into hiking, so he wants to go to several different states, including Idaho and Utah, to climb some routes he hasn't gone before. Wade and I got to talking about the possibility of this visit and that resulted in a ridiculous beyond ridiculous text conversation. Ye be warned, it goes on for quite awhile...
Wade: I must admit I like the sound of a hiking trip of that caliber. I'll have to see if I can pencil you in in between hikes ;) jkjkhaha
Me: I will hold you hostage if you don't pencil me in.
Wade: Holding me hostage would require catching me. Not to mention I don't flee like most. I climb up! Which could prove difficult catching for those who do not also hike.
Me: Oh, I have my ways. ;)
Wade: Pfffttt... try me... don't challenge me to escape, draw me in instead. I'm much easier to lure in.
Me: I'll lure you in once you're here.
Wade: See... now you know why I said pencil you in! You lure me in when I'm there? Pencil... lure me to goooooo and it gets more sharpie-esque
Me: You'll never want to leave once you get here. ;)
Me: I'm aiming for tattooed in
Wade: Pencil
Me: Tattooed. You'll see. I can be very persuasive.
[Insert a few texts of banter, getting a little more serious]
Wade: I think the only place I'll need to get somewhere to stay is in Idaho. Idaho is the last stop, champ. If I'm not lured into going maybe Salt Lake is a good place to turn around. ;)
Me: You think you can't stay with me?
Wade: Doesn't the honor code apply to you?
Me: No, I'm so far above it I'll even share a bed with you and get away with it. ;)
Wade: Hahaha you're just a joker. There's no way you could pull it off. Yous be schooless before August.
Me: No, I'd just be really sneaky and do it at Matilda's house.
Wade: Hahahaha, I'm a cuddler anyways. Probably would get to you.
Me: You think I'm not aware of your being a cuddler? I enjoy a good cuddle evrey now and then, I wouldn't mind.
Wade: This rebellious side has me intrigued.
Me: I'm very persuasive.
Wade: Still in pencil though... you're gonna have to up your game.
Me: I told you, I have to save some of the mystery. Sharpie it for now and we'll tattoo it later.
Wade: Pencil first. Always.
Me: Yes, pencil for now, Sharpie tomorrow.
Matilda is here in Rexburg and as a result, Wade is thinking of coming to visit (He's really good friends with her husband. Also with her, but he and her hubby have a bromance of sorts.) He's really into hiking, so he wants to go to several different states, including Idaho and Utah, to climb some routes he hasn't gone before. Wade and I got to talking about the possibility of this visit and that resulted in a ridiculous beyond ridiculous text conversation. Ye be warned, it goes on for quite awhile...
Wade: I must admit I like the sound of a hiking trip of that caliber. I'll have to see if I can pencil you in in between hikes ;) jkjkhaha
Me: I will hold you hostage if you don't pencil me in.
Wade: Holding me hostage would require catching me. Not to mention I don't flee like most. I climb up! Which could prove difficult catching for those who do not also hike.
Me: Oh, I have my ways. ;)
Wade: Pfffttt... try me... don't challenge me to escape, draw me in instead. I'm much easier to lure in.
Me: I'll lure you in once you're here.
Wade: See... now you know why I said pencil you in! You lure me in when I'm there? Pencil... lure me to goooooo and it gets more sharpie-esque
Me: You'll never want to leave once you get here. ;)
Me: I'm aiming for tattooed in
Wade: Pencil
Me: Tattooed. You'll see. I can be very persuasive.
[Insert a few texts of banter, getting a little more serious]
Wade: I think the only place I'll need to get somewhere to stay is in Idaho. Idaho is the last stop, champ. If I'm not lured into going maybe Salt Lake is a good place to turn around. ;)
Me: You think you can't stay with me?
Wade: Doesn't the honor code apply to you?
Me: No, I'm so far above it I'll even share a bed with you and get away with it. ;)
Wade: Hahaha you're just a joker. There's no way you could pull it off. Yous be schooless before August.
Me: No, I'd just be really sneaky and do it at Matilda's house.
Wade: Hahahaha, I'm a cuddler anyways. Probably would get to you.
Me: You think I'm not aware of your being a cuddler? I enjoy a good cuddle evrey now and then, I wouldn't mind.
Wade: This rebellious side has me intrigued.
Me: I'm very persuasive.
Wade: Still in pencil though... you're gonna have to up your game.
Me: I told you, I have to save some of the mystery. Sharpie it for now and we'll tattoo it later.
Wade: Pencil first. Always.
Me: Yes, pencil for now, Sharpie tomorrow.
[Then I tried to convince him that he doesn't need to go hiking, he could just spend all his time with me, Matilda, and her husband. ]
Wade: Hahaha a hiking trip where I don't hike...doesn't really make sense yeah? Hahaha
Me: No, a hiking trip where you meander on up to Idaho for a couple days to see some dear friends. And maybe hike in Idaho is you find someone experienced to go with you.
Wade: Hahahaha um dear Leslie.... I'm planning a 10 day mancation of hiking and beard growing. There will be hiking.
Me: Fine, there will be hiking, I will allow it. But it can't be a complete mancation, that would just hurt my feelings.
Wade: What the heckk? Why not? I can't mancate?
Me: Mancations don't usually involve making out and I'll tell you now, that's definitely happening.
Wade: Wow... now you're forward. Daring. daringggggg
Me: If I leave that hanging, maybe you'll actually come to Idaho this time.
Wade: I'll move you from one of those pencils to one of those pens with the erasers.
Me: Nah, let's just go with Sharpie. You can't deny that you know making out is a definite possibility
Wade: Hahaha I'm going with BIC eraseable pen until I'm more lured in. And of course a guy would think about it but how am I supposed to know if you're down for that?
Me: Dude, the sleeping in the same bed wasn't enough of a hint for you? Good thing I have the lady balls to say it outright.
Wade: That I took as a joke. You go to BYUI...what am I supposed to think? And your lady balls. Haha I lol'd at that.
Me: What does a girl have to do to lure you into visiting her? Geeze! You make this so hard.
Wade: One...that's what she said. Two.... I didn't say you were doing a bad job. I just need more hahahahaha
Me: I don't follow all the rules. Heck, when I lived at home I spent almost every night at Aiden's house sleeping in his bed with him. I wasn't into him nor he into me, but I was still sleeping in a dude's bed. I'd probably break that rule if you came into town. Special occassion. ;)
Me: You need more than that? So pretty much you want to be told you're going to get laid. You slimeball.
Wade: Hahaha I'm always okay with some rule breaking. After hiking anyways... because I'm so tired after I hike. I usually require companionship.
Wade: What? I never said that! I hope that was you joking! You're going good but I'm just saying I've heard you make awesome treats. You've never said a word about a cooking tutorial, nothing. You know I'm no slimeball.
Me: Of course it was a joke. Don't you know me at all? If you come out to Idaho, I'll give you any kind of cooking tutorial you request. Within reason, of course.
Wade: Haha I just looked back at what that said and it did look bad. That's not what I meant when I said I require companionship.
Me: Hahaha, suuuuuuuure.
Wade: Making out, cooking, and bed cuddlin'. Wow you pulled out some weapons, miss.
Me: Gotta use the big guns for the real deal. Now if only you'd make it Sharpie....
Wade: Hahaha a hiking trip where I don't hike...doesn't really make sense yeah? Hahaha
Me: No, a hiking trip where you meander on up to Idaho for a couple days to see some dear friends. And maybe hike in Idaho is you find someone experienced to go with you.
Wade: Hahahaha um dear Leslie.... I'm planning a 10 day mancation of hiking and beard growing. There will be hiking.
Me: Fine, there will be hiking, I will allow it. But it can't be a complete mancation, that would just hurt my feelings.
Wade: What the heckk? Why not? I can't mancate?
Me: Mancations don't usually involve making out and I'll tell you now, that's definitely happening.
Wade: Wow... now you're forward. Daring. daringggggg
Me: If I leave that hanging, maybe you'll actually come to Idaho this time.
Wade: I'll move you from one of those pencils to one of those pens with the erasers.
Me: Nah, let's just go with Sharpie. You can't deny that you know making out is a definite possibility
Wade: Hahaha I'm going with BIC eraseable pen until I'm more lured in. And of course a guy would think about it but how am I supposed to know if you're down for that?
Me: Dude, the sleeping in the same bed wasn't enough of a hint for you? Good thing I have the lady balls to say it outright.
Wade: That I took as a joke. You go to BYUI...what am I supposed to think? And your lady balls. Haha I lol'd at that.
Me: What does a girl have to do to lure you into visiting her? Geeze! You make this so hard.
Wade: One...that's what she said. Two.... I didn't say you were doing a bad job. I just need more hahahahaha
Me: I don't follow all the rules. Heck, when I lived at home I spent almost every night at Aiden's house sleeping in his bed with him. I wasn't into him nor he into me, but I was still sleeping in a dude's bed. I'd probably break that rule if you came into town. Special occassion. ;)
Me: You need more than that? So pretty much you want to be told you're going to get laid. You slimeball.
Wade: Hahaha I'm always okay with some rule breaking. After hiking anyways... because I'm so tired after I hike. I usually require companionship.
Wade: What? I never said that! I hope that was you joking! You're going good but I'm just saying I've heard you make awesome treats. You've never said a word about a cooking tutorial, nothing. You know I'm no slimeball.
Me: Of course it was a joke. Don't you know me at all? If you come out to Idaho, I'll give you any kind of cooking tutorial you request. Within reason, of course.
Wade: Haha I just looked back at what that said and it did look bad. That's not what I meant when I said I require companionship.
Me: Hahaha, suuuuuuuure.
Wade: Making out, cooking, and bed cuddlin'. Wow you pulled out some weapons, miss.
Me: Gotta use the big guns for the real deal. Now if only you'd make it Sharpie....
As you can see, it was quite a playful conversation. I won't believe that he's coming to visit until he's in Rexburg, but I can't help but hope. I still really would like to see something happen there, I just don't know if I can deal with his flaky personality. Meh.
Yeah, I still totally like him.
FML.
Yeah, I still totally like him.
FML.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
All shook up
I don't know how to feel right now.
Wade says he's been really busy and I believe him, he's given me no reason to not believe him. But he's also dropped communication way down. We no longer text all day, I'm lucky if I get more than three texts from him in a day. I'm on the back burner, I suppose. It's a weird place to be, since I like talking to him and would look forward to the conversations we would have, and I know he still enjoys talking to me, but it's a little disheartening to have him not showing the enthusiasm he showed before school ended in December.
I have to admit, I kind of got my hopes up pretty high, pretty quickly. I should know better than to put myself out on the line so quickly, especially when distance is involved. He just says all the right things to put me at ease, but then doesn't do much to show for it. I understand that this freaks him out, but at this point, we both know we feel something and wouldn't be opposed to making something real happen, but he's got to get over that fear and actually do something. I can't be wasting my time any longer.
The waiting and wondering has me so frustrated. A little sad, too. I was really hoping something would happen. I can wait a little longer on him, but not too much. It's too hard.
Wade says he's been really busy and I believe him, he's given me no reason to not believe him. But he's also dropped communication way down. We no longer text all day, I'm lucky if I get more than three texts from him in a day. I'm on the back burner, I suppose. It's a weird place to be, since I like talking to him and would look forward to the conversations we would have, and I know he still enjoys talking to me, but it's a little disheartening to have him not showing the enthusiasm he showed before school ended in December.
I have to admit, I kind of got my hopes up pretty high, pretty quickly. I should know better than to put myself out on the line so quickly, especially when distance is involved. He just says all the right things to put me at ease, but then doesn't do much to show for it. I understand that this freaks him out, but at this point, we both know we feel something and wouldn't be opposed to making something real happen, but he's got to get over that fear and actually do something. I can't be wasting my time any longer.
The waiting and wondering has me so frustrated. A little sad, too. I was really hoping something would happen. I can wait a little longer on him, but not too much. It's too hard.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I can't help falling
Here I am, nearly two weeks after texting Wade for the first time since the summer. We've talked every single day since then, with the length of time continuing to get longer, and longer. Last night we skyped for two hours and then texted for another two hours. My sleeping habits have gone out the window, just in time for finals.
What does it even mean, though? Here is a guy who lives hundreds of miles away from me, who has his own plan for his life and as of right now, it doesn't include me. I've got my own plans, which will keep me here in Idaho for another year and a half at the very least. I don't want to do long distance. Even the thought of it makes me want to throw up and then curl up in a corner and cry.
I'm the kind of girl who wants to be held. I want to hold hands and go places together and kiss him whenever I want. I've done long distance before and it's so hard. I don't want that with Wade. If he and I were to date, I'd want to relocate, or bring him out to Idaho. I'd want it to happen instantly, not sometime down the road. I don't want to wait. I'm ready for something real.
I'm ready to leave Tyson and fear behind. I'm ready to fall in love. Bring it, Wade. Continue to make me fall. We can make this work.
What does it even mean, though? Here is a guy who lives hundreds of miles away from me, who has his own plan for his life and as of right now, it doesn't include me. I've got my own plans, which will keep me here in Idaho for another year and a half at the very least. I don't want to do long distance. Even the thought of it makes me want to throw up and then curl up in a corner and cry.
I'm the kind of girl who wants to be held. I want to hold hands and go places together and kiss him whenever I want. I've done long distance before and it's so hard. I don't want that with Wade. If he and I were to date, I'd want to relocate, or bring him out to Idaho. I'd want it to happen instantly, not sometime down the road. I don't want to wait. I'm ready for something real.
I'm ready to leave Tyson and fear behind. I'm ready to fall in love. Bring it, Wade. Continue to make me fall. We can make this work.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Back to Wade
This has been a week full of skype dates and phone calls. Apparently what BYU-Idaho has to offer just isn't enough for me.
Matilda is such a good friend. Not having her in Idaho is probably the worst thing about being at school right now (followed closely by the -3 degree weather we had this past week.) But we still talk and keep each other updated on our lives. Somehow, from thousands of miles away, she still manages to be my wingman.
At this point, I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to let myself really feel for Wade, since I know from past experience that he can get freaked out easily. And, truth be told, I'm still a little scared to open myself up to him. I don't want to have a repeat situation of Tyson. It's been a long time since I've even talked to Tyson, but it still scares me to death that someone, like Wade, is going to make his way into my heart and head but then leave. It's terrifying. But I've really got nothing to lose, so I might as well give it a shot.
Here goes nothin'. Wish me luck.
Matilda is such a good friend. Not having her in Idaho is probably the worst thing about being at school right now (followed closely by the -3 degree weather we had this past week.) But we still talk and keep each other updated on our lives. Somehow, from thousands of miles away, she still manages to be my wingman.
At this point, I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to let myself really feel for Wade, since I know from past experience that he can get freaked out easily. And, truth be told, I'm still a little scared to open myself up to him. I don't want to have a repeat situation of Tyson. It's been a long time since I've even talked to Tyson, but it still scares me to death that someone, like Wade, is going to make his way into my heart and head but then leave. It's terrifying. But I've really got nothing to lose, so I might as well give it a shot.
Here goes nothin'. Wish me luck.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Oh geeze
Last night I was super bored and a little down about Isaac and his new squeeze. I texted Wade for the first time since August with a casual, "It's been awhile, how's it hangin'?" type text. Now we have a skype date this weekend. I have to admit, putting myself out there every now and then feels pretty good. All I had to do was shoot him a simple text and he did the rest of the work for me. Why does he have to live in another state?
In other news, my roommates are whores. Seriously, I've never met girls who've made out with 10+ guys in one semester. I'm puzzled as to how one can feel satisfied with that. Making out is fun, I completely understand that (um, hello, remember Daniel?) but isn't one guy enough? Doesn't it get old after awhile? Don't you want something with more commitment than just a night or two of cuddling and kissing? Every week they put me to shame, causing me to question whether or not I have any claim at all in calling this blog Confessions of a Mormon Skank. Maybe I ought to invite them to be guest bloggers...
In other news, my roommates are whores. Seriously, I've never met girls who've made out with 10+ guys in one semester. I'm puzzled as to how one can feel satisfied with that. Making out is fun, I completely understand that (um, hello, remember Daniel?) but isn't one guy enough? Doesn't it get old after awhile? Don't you want something with more commitment than just a night or two of cuddling and kissing? Every week they put me to shame, causing me to question whether or not I have any claim at all in calling this blog Confessions of a Mormon Skank. Maybe I ought to invite them to be guest bloggers...
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Despite it all
You know, despite having my meanderings out of my comfort zone with Aaron being utterly destroyed, I have to admit that I feel as though my self confidence has been rejuvenated. This weekend I've walked a little taller, smiled at more boys, and felt prettier. It's some weird psychological mindset that I had to get into and asking Aaron out was the trigger.
I've also been listening to things said in stake conference, general conference, and devotionals. The reoccurring theme is "Stop living in anticipation of things to come, live in the now." It's such a revelation to me, I'm a little baffled. I think I was living with this great anticipation that one day, out of the blue, Mr. Right was going to waltz out of the crowd and then we'd start down the road towards our happily ever after. Now I know that's not how it's supposed to work. I'm not supposed to constantly be on edge, waiting for that moment when my life will begin. I'm forgetting that I'm alive now, that I have things going for me.
It's a great feeling, having this sudden boost in self confidence. I can't quite get over it.
I've also been listening to things said in stake conference, general conference, and devotionals. The reoccurring theme is "Stop living in anticipation of things to come, live in the now." It's such a revelation to me, I'm a little baffled. I think I was living with this great anticipation that one day, out of the blue, Mr. Right was going to waltz out of the crowd and then we'd start down the road towards our happily ever after. Now I know that's not how it's supposed to work. I'm not supposed to constantly be on edge, waiting for that moment when my life will begin. I'm forgetting that I'm alive now, that I have things going for me.
It's a great feeling, having this sudden boost in self confidence. I can't quite get over it.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Today was the day I was going to give Aaron my number and leave the ball in his court. Unfortunately, he didn't show for class. I was all ready, I'd given myself a pep talk beforehand, and he didn't show. Just my luck. Is this a sign that I ought to just give up? Maybe.
The only other guy I'm remotely interested in is always surrounded by swarms of girls and my roommate had no problem throwing herself at him over the weekend. Blah, frustration.
The only other guy I'm remotely interested in is always surrounded by swarms of girls and my roommate had no problem throwing herself at him over the weekend. Blah, frustration.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Bored in Rexburg
Big events of the first four weeks of school:
- Aced my first test
- Aced my first essay (take that, APA!)
- Survived the snow
- Creeped on by the Rexburg halloween creepers...twice!
- Molested at the Vivint dance party
- Ripped my favorite jeans
- Went to Utah for Conference and it was SO good
It's obvious, nothing romantic is going on in my life. I see more guys than anyone else in my apartment and still, nothing is happening. EFF MY LIFE. That's what I get for not playing the aggressive card. Booorriiinngg!
I've noticed lately that more guys are opening the door for me and smiling when I walk by in the hall. Either I'm suddenly the biggest hottie on campus or men are leaving their douchey ways behind in favor of being the nice guy. I dig it. Nice guys are nice. I'm sure they don't know that a smile in the hall brightens my day, but it does.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
An attempt at dating
There's this guy from the same YSA ward as Tyson and Daniel named Peter who asked me out about a month ago. He wanted to take me out to this taco place after institute, but it was closed. Instead we went to a BBQ place and ate and talked. Peter is really funny. Like, hilarious. I couldn't keep a smile off my face because this dude was constantly saying smart things that made me crack up. All in all, it was really fun. I enjoyed it. We followed up the date with another one the following week to go see the movie Captain America. I liked the movie, he totally wanted me to hold his hand, and he totally wanted to kiss me at the end of the night. But we did neither.
So what's the problem with Peter? Nothing really, expect I think of him as a good friend, someone I like to spend time with but not someone I'm tempted to kiss or hold hands with. Maybe it's his beard, maybe it's that I don't know him very well, or maybe it's even that I want someone who has the guts to actually hold me hand or kiss me, not someone who will hint at it but waits for me to make the move. I don't want to make the move, I want a man who'll show me he wants something by asking me out on a date and the kissing me on my front door step. Doesn't the saying go "It's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission"? What's with all these pansy boys who won't go in for the kill? I refuse to give in to that laziness. If I'm on a second (or third or fourth etc) date with you, the thought of kissing you has definitely crossed my mind.
Despite having so much fun with Peter when we go out, I've realized that I'm also sad when we're together and he's asking me to feel how cold his hands are or he's leaning his head on my shoulder. I'm sad because I'm not into him and I don't feel that connection even though I really want to. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I think I'm still looking for someone who made me feel the way Tyson did and I don't know if I can be happy with anything less than that. I trusted him so much...
So what's the problem with Peter? Nothing really, expect I think of him as a good friend, someone I like to spend time with but not someone I'm tempted to kiss or hold hands with. Maybe it's his beard, maybe it's that I don't know him very well, or maybe it's even that I want someone who has the guts to actually hold me hand or kiss me, not someone who will hint at it but waits for me to make the move. I don't want to make the move, I want a man who'll show me he wants something by asking me out on a date and the kissing me on my front door step. Doesn't the saying go "It's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission"? What's with all these pansy boys who won't go in for the kill? I refuse to give in to that laziness. If I'm on a second (or third or fourth etc) date with you, the thought of kissing you has definitely crossed my mind.
Despite having so much fun with Peter when we go out, I've realized that I'm also sad when we're together and he's asking me to feel how cold his hands are or he's leaning his head on my shoulder. I'm sad because I'm not into him and I don't feel that connection even though I really want to. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I think I'm still looking for someone who made me feel the way Tyson did and I don't know if I can be happy with anything less than that. I trusted him so much...
Thursday, July 14, 2011
My heart is on the floor. Why don't you step on it?
Daniel and I snuck away from his birthday party and locked lips for a couple minutes down the street. It wasn't very long, nothing really happened except some good smooches. Later he sent me a text telling me he wasn't quite satisfied. Dan, my friend, neither was I. I've been running on empty for a good couple of months and the two brief sessions we've had recently weren't enough. I've been left wanting more. It's time for a makeout date. The weather is nice, he and I should go star gazing or something so we can have some alone time. I hate dry spells...
Last week Tyson rocked me emotionally. I sent him a text several weeks ago saying, "I hate that I don't feel comfortable talking to you." It was a weak moment that I regret. I hadn't had his number for awhile but then I just so happened to end up with it and I couldn't resist temptation. He didn't respond, so I had a good cry the next day and then I deleted him from my phone and facebook (finally.) I felt like I needed cleansing. I feel like I need to completely wash all of that off me. But I can't ever be fully rid of Tyson and the scum he is.
Last week he finally responded to my text. He said something about not knowing what to say and thinking about my text again and again. He said he was sorry for making things awkward on his part. That was it. I got the text while I was at work and I think I almost passed out. My hands started shaking, my heart started pounding, my knees felt weak. I'm not made to handle this emotional stress. It's wrecking everything about me. I cried yesterday after seeing Tyson at institute. Every time I'm near him I want to throw things, like punches or tables. It pisses me off that he can walk around so unaffected by everything. Why am I feeling so broken while he's acting as if we ought to be mending things and becoming friends?
It's safe to say that Tyson went from being the love of my life to one of my top 5 most disliked people I've ever met. It's a shame, too, because he could be such a fun friend. Any hope we had of being friends was smashes to bits when he tossed me aside like I never mattered. Dick.
Last week Tyson rocked me emotionally. I sent him a text several weeks ago saying, "I hate that I don't feel comfortable talking to you." It was a weak moment that I regret. I hadn't had his number for awhile but then I just so happened to end up with it and I couldn't resist temptation. He didn't respond, so I had a good cry the next day and then I deleted him from my phone and facebook (finally.) I felt like I needed cleansing. I feel like I need to completely wash all of that off me. But I can't ever be fully rid of Tyson and the scum he is.
Last week he finally responded to my text. He said something about not knowing what to say and thinking about my text again and again. He said he was sorry for making things awkward on his part. That was it. I got the text while I was at work and I think I almost passed out. My hands started shaking, my heart started pounding, my knees felt weak. I'm not made to handle this emotional stress. It's wrecking everything about me. I cried yesterday after seeing Tyson at institute. Every time I'm near him I want to throw things, like punches or tables. It pisses me off that he can walk around so unaffected by everything. Why am I feeling so broken while he's acting as if we ought to be mending things and becoming friends?
It's safe to say that Tyson went from being the love of my life to one of my top 5 most disliked people I've ever met. It's a shame, too, because he could be such a fun friend. Any hope we had of being friends was smashes to bits when he tossed me aside like I never mattered. Dick.
Monday, July 4, 2011
I wasn't quite finished with that...
I threw a party recently. It was a dance party, I invited everyone and they invited all their friends. It was one huge mother effing dance party. As far as the dancing goes, it was pretty tame; all my friends are LDS and don't really do the whole dirty dancing thing. The most raunch it got was a couple of us girls all dancing up on each other to make the boys drool. Well, it wasn't really to make them drool, but we know they did anyway.
Daniel showed up, being one of the first times I've seen him in a long time. We've seen each other at institute and some firesides, but he's been pretty scarce. It doesn't help that we live a good 25 minutes apart and are in different stakes. Holy. Smokes. I don't know what was done differently, but Daniel looked super good. He had on an excellent blue shirt and his hair was slightly done, but not overly stuffed with product (Yes, Aiden, it's called Product) and he just looked well put together. I was slightly dazzled by his ravishingly good looks.
Half way through the party I get a text from Daniel. Conversation went as follows:
Daniel: Sigh a man without isn't a man at all
Leslie: Huh?
Daniel: Kiss me
Leslie: Hahaha, you're in a room full of people.
Daniel: Well that is a shame. I donno where to go.
Leslie: Go out in the front yard on the side of the garage
He went, I snuck out the side door in the garage. He grabbed me, pushed me against the side of the house and kissed me nice and hard. One kiss turned into several, which ended up being a full on standing make out. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Daniel is a really good kisser. He gives those type of kisses that don't involve so much tongue that you're practically drowning in the other person's saliva, but just the right amount and they last just long enough. I love kissing him....except when he's trying to stick his hands down my pants.
I'm pretty self conscious about my body (what girl isn't?) and I had just been dancing around a lot, so I was kind of sweaty and Daniel tried to get his hands under my clothes just a little. Boom, shot down! I can get scandalous but I don't let things get crazy. We only made out for about fifteen minutes before heading back inside. It was a good fifteen minutes, though. It kept me busy while Chase decided to vacate the party with some chick.
In a way I feel slightly stupid for allowing myself to give into Daniel's request so easily, but at the same time, we're using each other equally. We both just want a little lip lovin' and know we enjoy the other. For the meantime, I can dig it.
Daniel showed up, being one of the first times I've seen him in a long time. We've seen each other at institute and some firesides, but he's been pretty scarce. It doesn't help that we live a good 25 minutes apart and are in different stakes. Holy. Smokes. I don't know what was done differently, but Daniel looked super good. He had on an excellent blue shirt and his hair was slightly done, but not overly stuffed with product (Yes, Aiden, it's called Product) and he just looked well put together. I was slightly dazzled by his ravishingly good looks.
Half way through the party I get a text from Daniel. Conversation went as follows:
Daniel: Sigh a man without isn't a man at all
Leslie: Huh?
Daniel: Kiss me
Leslie: Hahaha, you're in a room full of people.
Daniel: Well that is a shame. I donno where to go.
Leslie: Go out in the front yard on the side of the garage
He went, I snuck out the side door in the garage. He grabbed me, pushed me against the side of the house and kissed me nice and hard. One kiss turned into several, which ended up being a full on standing make out. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Daniel is a really good kisser. He gives those type of kisses that don't involve so much tongue that you're practically drowning in the other person's saliva, but just the right amount and they last just long enough. I love kissing him....except when he's trying to stick his hands down my pants.
I'm pretty self conscious about my body (what girl isn't?) and I had just been dancing around a lot, so I was kind of sweaty and Daniel tried to get his hands under my clothes just a little. Boom, shot down! I can get scandalous but I don't let things get crazy. We only made out for about fifteen minutes before heading back inside. It was a good fifteen minutes, though. It kept me busy while Chase decided to vacate the party with some chick.
In a way I feel slightly stupid for allowing myself to give into Daniel's request so easily, but at the same time, we're using each other equally. We both just want a little lip lovin' and know we enjoy the other. For the meantime, I can dig it.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Flirting: To Play At Love
Flirting. We all do it, it's enjoyable, it's playful, it's fun. But what is it? Why do we do it? What does it mean?
My personal definition of flirting is it's a slightly sensual, inviting, teasing way of interacting. The dictionary says flirting is "to play at love." It's lighthearted, sometimes serious, sometimes innocent fun. Flirting is one of the main ways men and women can interact and introduce the possibility of something bigger blossoming. It's hard not to flirt with someone you're into. It's a way to show that person that you are fun, interesting, and clever. I like to think of myself as a master flirt, since I've had ample time and boys to practice. It's an art form, really. It's all about the subtle moves and the subtext underlying the words you use. Once you've master the two individually, the combination of a movement and a simple comment that could mean so much can do a lot to a guy (Or a girl, whichever.)
There's this guy, Chase, with whom I'm good friends. He served in the same mission as Aiden. While Chase was on his mission, his family moved into my stake, so now he's in the same YSA ward as me and Aiden. We hang out on the weekends with big groups (Chase works a summer job about 2 hours south of here, but comes home on the weekends) and it's awesome. He's not the kind of guy you'd see and think, "Oh dang! That is one great looking dude! I want him NOW!" Don't get me wrong, he's attractive, but he's not drop dead gorgeous. He's tall (like, really tall), dark hair, pretty hazel eyes, but he's a little awkward looking. I think that's why I'm attracted to him; I like the awkward boys. Chase is hilarious. I enjoy a good banter and Chase is a good banterer, I could talk to him endlessly. I think it's his wit that makes him that way. Whatever it is, there's something simply irresistible about this guy.
Last weekend Chase came over to my house and we sat in my room on my bed (with the door propped open, my parents were home) and talked. He told me all his woman woes, which are many. He's got chicks throwing themselves at him right and left and he doesn't know how to field them away. He likes this girl who lives in his hometown, a couple states away. She's just barely 18 and his best friend's younger sister, so he's feeling a little hesitant, but he really digs her. I'm the cool platonic girlfriend, so he can tell me all these things and feel like we're on safe ground, stuck in the friend zone. In fact, Chase wants me to act as his secretary of dating so I can help him get rid of all the unworthy girls and send all the hot ones on to him. I'm flatter that he would trust me that way, but his shallowness is ridiculous. He's got a type: tall, skinny, leggy, cheerleader girls. I'm not tall, not a cheerleader type, I've got killer legs, but they're shot,and I'm not the skinniest (I'm not overweight, but I'm not rail thin.) So the friend zone. I'm stuck there, probably for awhile.
Where's the correlation between flirting and Chase? We flirt a lot. It goes right along with the banter that goes on. We joke around that we're almost dating and he calls me Babe all the time. It's supposed to be a strategy to get girls who he doesn't want to like him to think he's unavailable, but I think I'm enjoying it way too much. With the whole Tyson thing fresh in my mind, having something fun to throw my attention into is such a relief. I like being able to take my mind off of something so negative that makes me feel like crap and focus on something that's fun and lighthearted and doesn't really call for much effort or commitment.
In short, I like flirting with Chase. I like pretending to be his almost girlfriend, but not having to be committed. I like not having to think about Tyson all the time. We'll have to wait and see what happens, though. Chase and I will both be going on to BYUI in the Fall, so we'll see if I can progress out of the friend zone.
My personal definition of flirting is it's a slightly sensual, inviting, teasing way of interacting. The dictionary says flirting is "to play at love." It's lighthearted, sometimes serious, sometimes innocent fun. Flirting is one of the main ways men and women can interact and introduce the possibility of something bigger blossoming. It's hard not to flirt with someone you're into. It's a way to show that person that you are fun, interesting, and clever. I like to think of myself as a master flirt, since I've had ample time and boys to practice. It's an art form, really. It's all about the subtle moves and the subtext underlying the words you use. Once you've master the two individually, the combination of a movement and a simple comment that could mean so much can do a lot to a guy (Or a girl, whichever.)
There's this guy, Chase, with whom I'm good friends. He served in the same mission as Aiden. While Chase was on his mission, his family moved into my stake, so now he's in the same YSA ward as me and Aiden. We hang out on the weekends with big groups (Chase works a summer job about 2 hours south of here, but comes home on the weekends) and it's awesome. He's not the kind of guy you'd see and think, "Oh dang! That is one great looking dude! I want him NOW!" Don't get me wrong, he's attractive, but he's not drop dead gorgeous. He's tall (like, really tall), dark hair, pretty hazel eyes, but he's a little awkward looking. I think that's why I'm attracted to him; I like the awkward boys. Chase is hilarious. I enjoy a good banter and Chase is a good banterer, I could talk to him endlessly. I think it's his wit that makes him that way. Whatever it is, there's something simply irresistible about this guy.
Last weekend Chase came over to my house and we sat in my room on my bed (with the door propped open, my parents were home) and talked. He told me all his woman woes, which are many. He's got chicks throwing themselves at him right and left and he doesn't know how to field them away. He likes this girl who lives in his hometown, a couple states away. She's just barely 18 and his best friend's younger sister, so he's feeling a little hesitant, but he really digs her. I'm the cool platonic girlfriend, so he can tell me all these things and feel like we're on safe ground, stuck in the friend zone. In fact, Chase wants me to act as his secretary of dating so I can help him get rid of all the unworthy girls and send all the hot ones on to him. I'm flatter that he would trust me that way, but his shallowness is ridiculous. He's got a type: tall, skinny, leggy, cheerleader girls. I'm not tall, not a cheerleader type, I've got killer legs, but they're shot,and I'm not the skinniest (I'm not overweight, but I'm not rail thin.) So the friend zone. I'm stuck there, probably for awhile.
Where's the correlation between flirting and Chase? We flirt a lot. It goes right along with the banter that goes on. We joke around that we're almost dating and he calls me Babe all the time. It's supposed to be a strategy to get girls who he doesn't want to like him to think he's unavailable, but I think I'm enjoying it way too much. With the whole Tyson thing fresh in my mind, having something fun to throw my attention into is such a relief. I like being able to take my mind off of something so negative that makes me feel like crap and focus on something that's fun and lighthearted and doesn't really call for much effort or commitment.
In short, I like flirting with Chase. I like pretending to be his almost girlfriend, but not having to be committed. I like not having to think about Tyson all the time. We'll have to wait and see what happens, though. Chase and I will both be going on to BYUI in the Fall, so we'll see if I can progress out of the friend zone.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Let's get real for a moment
It's time to leave all the silly make out stories aside for a moment while I get serious and explain the Tyson thing. This is something that rocked me to the core, I try to avoid talking about it. However, I feel like it's kind of a necessity for me to get this out there so you can sort of understand a little bit about me and what I've been through and why I act the way I do.
Tyson and I met almost four years ago at a party. We became friends through a mutual friend and started talking a lot. I was dating a guy at the time but we were living in different states, which made the relationship really hard to maintain. As I started talking to Tyson more, I began to realize more and more that my boyfriend, Joe, really wasn't someone with a personality substantial enough to keep me interested. He was kind of bland and effeminate and he never wanted to talk about anything serious. Our conversations mostly hovered around what we did that day and how much we missed each other. Whenever I'd bring up something serious, he'd ignore it. It hurt because I feel like I should be able to talk about serious things that weigh on my mind with my boyfriend. Because, when it all comes down to it, dating is just practice for marriage, and I want to marry someone I can communicate with.
Tyson showed me how it felt to have someone to trust in. Because of this eye opening friendship, I ended my relationship with Joe (after giving it a chance once we were living in the same town again...it just didn't work.) Tyson lead me to believe that it's okay to let your walls down and be vulnerable. We would stay up until 4 in the morning talking about things that we hoped for, things that we feared, and things that we believed in. He was sarcastic and witty and hesitant to open up to me...but he did. We quickly became best friends. While I lived at home, we spent nearly every night together going bowling or watching movies. When I was at school, there was hardly a moment we weren't texting each other. To this day, I don't know how I survived that Summer on so little sleep. I think my normal bed time was somewhere between 3am and 5am. I've never felt so connected to another person. He was my soul mate, I was sure of it.
We never had a really physically relationship, mostly because I was away at school most of the time we talked a ton. I did, however, take a trip home for memorial day. That was probably one of the best weekends of my life. We watched movies, snuggled, went to a baseball game, kissed... It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. Aside from that, the only other time we kissed was the night before he left on his mission. We watched Harry Potter 4, held hands, and then kissed goodbye. He gave me a framed photo of the two of us. Now, he gave a couple other girls photos, too, including an ex girlfriend. I was hurt and jealous and distraught, but it didn't really matter that much because he only kissed me and I had two years for him to forget about the other girls.
Despite all that, I kept that photo of the two of us out where I could see it every day for the two years he was gone. I wrote him letters that were pages and pages, just telling him about my roommates and classes and family and work. I wrote him about my testimony and how impressed I was with his growth while on the mission. He wrote to me about the experiences he had, people he taught, how he grew closer to his companions. When he bore his testimony in his letters, I felt the Spirit so strong. His letters were the bright light for me in a very long, lonely two years. I copied almost every single one into my journal. I kind of love letters.
Tyson came home from his mission in January. I was so anxious and nervous about seeing him, I was literally shaking when I went over to his house to see him for the first time. He walked me to my car after a night of games with his family and I felt wobbly, with weak knees. It was so surreal to be with him again, after two years of not seeing him. I couldn't catch my breath. When we hugged it was awkward, but I never wanted it to end. But he was home and we had plenty of time to spend together. The other two girls he gave photos to? They were history to me. One was married with a child, one was at school in Utah. Tyson was mine to enjoy.
We watched movies, went to parties, spent nights playing games with his family. I spent a weekend at home alone and he talked on the phone with me at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep because I was spooked. He invited me out to watch his basketball practices and we sat together at institute every week. That is, until the weekend before his birthday when he went awol. His responses to texts were evasive and brief. We had planned to get together, but it didn't happen because he just never followed up with the plans. On Monday he told me that we'd talk after the institute devotional the next day. After he spoke about his mission, he sat me down outside (I was super nervous) and he told me that his friend that was going to school in Utah had come into town that weekend and he spent all his time with her. He said, "I thought I should be the one to tell you in person that she and I are together."
I didn't have much to say. I had prepared myself for him to not come home and sweep me off my feet, but it still stung. I cried and said, "Well that sucks. I'm happy that you're happy with her, but it still kind of sucks to lose." After awhile of silence I said, "I have to go, why don't you call me when you feel like talking." and I left without looking at him. I went home and cried to my mom.I was disappointed, but it wasn't really the end of the world. I can't win everything.
But really, I can't win at all. A couple weeks later Tyson called me up after I called him out on ignoring me. He told me a lot of things, including that he doesn't feel like we have any sort of friendship unless we're flirting. He said, "I think the hole in your life where I was is much bigger than the hole in mine where you were. Because there's not really a hole. I don't miss you. I don't feel like I need you in my life." At first I was devastated, but then I started feeling angry. I was crying silently the whole conversation, but I was pissed. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was Tyson, my Tyson. The one I'd shared some of the most wonderful experiences of my life with, and he was acting as if I meant nothing to him. He told me he felt like he could never fully trust me, never fully let me in. And then he had the balls to tell me he felt like he owed it to me to try and be friends anyway. That was my breaking point. I pretty much told him I don't want his pity friendship and hung up. And that was that. No more Leslie and Tyson. No more letters, no more ball games, no more movie nights. No more text messages, phone calls, or sitting together at events. I've never felt so empty in my entire life.
Thinking about Tyson and how elated he made me feel just heightens the anger I feel about the way he treated me. I'm devastated to think that I wasted so much time thinking about him and avoiding other relationships because of him. I almost feel like he ruined me. He used me and tossed me aside without warning. I want to vomit. I hate him.
Tyson and I met almost four years ago at a party. We became friends through a mutual friend and started talking a lot. I was dating a guy at the time but we were living in different states, which made the relationship really hard to maintain. As I started talking to Tyson more, I began to realize more and more that my boyfriend, Joe, really wasn't someone with a personality substantial enough to keep me interested. He was kind of bland and effeminate and he never wanted to talk about anything serious. Our conversations mostly hovered around what we did that day and how much we missed each other. Whenever I'd bring up something serious, he'd ignore it. It hurt because I feel like I should be able to talk about serious things that weigh on my mind with my boyfriend. Because, when it all comes down to it, dating is just practice for marriage, and I want to marry someone I can communicate with.
Tyson showed me how it felt to have someone to trust in. Because of this eye opening friendship, I ended my relationship with Joe (after giving it a chance once we were living in the same town again...it just didn't work.) Tyson lead me to believe that it's okay to let your walls down and be vulnerable. We would stay up until 4 in the morning talking about things that we hoped for, things that we feared, and things that we believed in. He was sarcastic and witty and hesitant to open up to me...but he did. We quickly became best friends. While I lived at home, we spent nearly every night together going bowling or watching movies. When I was at school, there was hardly a moment we weren't texting each other. To this day, I don't know how I survived that Summer on so little sleep. I think my normal bed time was somewhere between 3am and 5am. I've never felt so connected to another person. He was my soul mate, I was sure of it.
We never had a really physically relationship, mostly because I was away at school most of the time we talked a ton. I did, however, take a trip home for memorial day. That was probably one of the best weekends of my life. We watched movies, snuggled, went to a baseball game, kissed... It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. Aside from that, the only other time we kissed was the night before he left on his mission. We watched Harry Potter 4, held hands, and then kissed goodbye. He gave me a framed photo of the two of us. Now, he gave a couple other girls photos, too, including an ex girlfriend. I was hurt and jealous and distraught, but it didn't really matter that much because he only kissed me and I had two years for him to forget about the other girls.
Despite all that, I kept that photo of the two of us out where I could see it every day for the two years he was gone. I wrote him letters that were pages and pages, just telling him about my roommates and classes and family and work. I wrote him about my testimony and how impressed I was with his growth while on the mission. He wrote to me about the experiences he had, people he taught, how he grew closer to his companions. When he bore his testimony in his letters, I felt the Spirit so strong. His letters were the bright light for me in a very long, lonely two years. I copied almost every single one into my journal. I kind of love letters.
Tyson came home from his mission in January. I was so anxious and nervous about seeing him, I was literally shaking when I went over to his house to see him for the first time. He walked me to my car after a night of games with his family and I felt wobbly, with weak knees. It was so surreal to be with him again, after two years of not seeing him. I couldn't catch my breath. When we hugged it was awkward, but I never wanted it to end. But he was home and we had plenty of time to spend together. The other two girls he gave photos to? They were history to me. One was married with a child, one was at school in Utah. Tyson was mine to enjoy.
We watched movies, went to parties, spent nights playing games with his family. I spent a weekend at home alone and he talked on the phone with me at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep because I was spooked. He invited me out to watch his basketball practices and we sat together at institute every week. That is, until the weekend before his birthday when he went awol. His responses to texts were evasive and brief. We had planned to get together, but it didn't happen because he just never followed up with the plans. On Monday he told me that we'd talk after the institute devotional the next day. After he spoke about his mission, he sat me down outside (I was super nervous) and he told me that his friend that was going to school in Utah had come into town that weekend and he spent all his time with her. He said, "I thought I should be the one to tell you in person that she and I are together."
I didn't have much to say. I had prepared myself for him to not come home and sweep me off my feet, but it still stung. I cried and said, "Well that sucks. I'm happy that you're happy with her, but it still kind of sucks to lose." After awhile of silence I said, "I have to go, why don't you call me when you feel like talking." and I left without looking at him. I went home and cried to my mom.I was disappointed, but it wasn't really the end of the world. I can't win everything.
But really, I can't win at all. A couple weeks later Tyson called me up after I called him out on ignoring me. He told me a lot of things, including that he doesn't feel like we have any sort of friendship unless we're flirting. He said, "I think the hole in your life where I was is much bigger than the hole in mine where you were. Because there's not really a hole. I don't miss you. I don't feel like I need you in my life." At first I was devastated, but then I started feeling angry. I was crying silently the whole conversation, but I was pissed. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was Tyson, my Tyson. The one I'd shared some of the most wonderful experiences of my life with, and he was acting as if I meant nothing to him. He told me he felt like he could never fully trust me, never fully let me in. And then he had the balls to tell me he felt like he owed it to me to try and be friends anyway. That was my breaking point. I pretty much told him I don't want his pity friendship and hung up. And that was that. No more Leslie and Tyson. No more letters, no more ball games, no more movie nights. No more text messages, phone calls, or sitting together at events. I've never felt so empty in my entire life.
Thinking about Tyson and how elated he made me feel just heightens the anger I feel about the way he treated me. I'm devastated to think that I wasted so much time thinking about him and avoiding other relationships because of him. I almost feel like he ruined me. He used me and tossed me aside without warning. I want to vomit. I hate him.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
AWOL
It's been over a month since I posted. In short, my social like exploded and swallowed me whole. It hasn't quite spit me back out, but I've come up for a breather. Here's a recap of the men in my life:
Tyson: Still a dick, still ignores me at institute/multi stake events. His sister told me that it might be time to start being friends again. She doesn't know what went down between us. Eventually I'll explain to her (and to you) but right now I'm still brooding over it and would rather leave the subject untouched.
Frank: He's a pansy. A super cute, awkward, totally Mormon pansy. He doesn't have the guts to ask me (or that skank he was blatantly flirting with) out on a date. Instead, I have to hang around him all the time at Aiden's house all the time. It sucks. I can't ever win over the guy I actually am interested in. I think I'm doomed to always be stuck in the friend zone. Eff my freaking life. Whatever, Frank can have his popular pretty girl, even though her eyes are oddly close together and her face looks kind of droopy when she smiles.
Daniel: We went awhile without really talking, then we started talking again and he got all horny. If he hadn't busted his knee, resulting in his being confined to his bed all summer, we'd make out again. I'm really not enjoying this dry spell.
Over all, I can't wait for Summer to end. I'm moving to Idaho and I'm probably most excited to have a whole new dating pool. Living at my parents house, seeing all the same guys I've been seeing for the past couple years in my ward sucks. The boys just suck. They don't take me on dates, they don't take anyone on dates. What's up with that? YOU GUYS SUCK.
Tyson: Still a dick, still ignores me at institute/multi stake events. His sister told me that it might be time to start being friends again. She doesn't know what went down between us. Eventually I'll explain to her (and to you) but right now I'm still brooding over it and would rather leave the subject untouched.
Frank: He's a pansy. A super cute, awkward, totally Mormon pansy. He doesn't have the guts to ask me (or that skank he was blatantly flirting with) out on a date. Instead, I have to hang around him all the time at Aiden's house all the time. It sucks. I can't ever win over the guy I actually am interested in. I think I'm doomed to always be stuck in the friend zone. Eff my freaking life. Whatever, Frank can have his popular pretty girl, even though her eyes are oddly close together and her face looks kind of droopy when she smiles.
Daniel: We went awhile without really talking, then we started talking again and he got all horny. If he hadn't busted his knee, resulting in his being confined to his bed all summer, we'd make out again. I'm really not enjoying this dry spell.
Over all, I can't wait for Summer to end. I'm moving to Idaho and I'm probably most excited to have a whole new dating pool. Living at my parents house, seeing all the same guys I've been seeing for the past couple years in my ward sucks. The boys just suck. They don't take me on dates, they don't take anyone on dates. What's up with that? YOU GUYS SUCK.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Something old, something new
Daniel and I haven't meet up for almost four weeks. First week he was busy, next week I was out of town, last week I had work/he was sick/we weren't feeling it. We've kind of agreed that we've gotten bored and this has come to an end.
Here's the thing: making out is great. It's fun, it's a rush, you feel all sexy and wanted and all that warm fuzzy stuff. However, when you're routinely making out with the same person but you're not actually dating, things start to get a little monotonous and boring. Sure, we might have changed things up every week, but it still got boring. We dabbled with the thought of actually getting together, even though, much like the Capulets and Montagues, our families hate each other. That didn't happen. We got bored. And so it would appear that we are no more. And I don't really care. It was fun while it lasted, it took away some of the pain that I was feeling over Tyson (saw him for the first time a couple weeks ago. He had the balls to try and joke around with me. Dick.) and now I'm ready to take on something new, which I've already found...
Frank. He's relatively new in my ward, just got home from his mission at the beginning of February, suuuuper new RM awkward. All things considered, anything that would go down with him would be the complete opposite of what Daniel and I do. Cross your fingers for me.
Here's the thing: making out is great. It's fun, it's a rush, you feel all sexy and wanted and all that warm fuzzy stuff. However, when you're routinely making out with the same person but you're not actually dating, things start to get a little monotonous and boring. Sure, we might have changed things up every week, but it still got boring. We dabbled with the thought of actually getting together, even though, much like the Capulets and Montagues, our families hate each other. That didn't happen. We got bored. And so it would appear that we are no more. And I don't really care. It was fun while it lasted, it took away some of the pain that I was feeling over Tyson (saw him for the first time a couple weeks ago. He had the balls to try and joke around with me. Dick.) and now I'm ready to take on something new, which I've already found...
Frank. He's relatively new in my ward, just got home from his mission at the beginning of February, suuuuper new RM awkward. All things considered, anything that would go down with him would be the complete opposite of what Daniel and I do. Cross your fingers for me.
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Breakdown
Sometimes I think about these hookup sessions that Daniel and I have and I think to myself, "How does that end up happening? Like, really? A booty call? You, Leslie? Get serious." Well, here's how it happens.
We text a lot. We text almost all day, every day (I know, I know, that's what couples do) but it almost always comes down to someone saying, "Soooo I kinda want to kiss someone right now and you make a good candidate." Then we get into a conversation about where we would meet and what our excuses would be (study group, the gym, a friends house, a church activity...) and then it all falls into place.
We meet up, we chitchat for a couple minutes, then we end up sucking face in the back of someone's car. Romantic, right? Wrong. It's not romantic because it's designed to be a hook up, straight up making out. Nothing all emotional, no cuddling while sharing our deep dark secrets. We makeout, we realize how late it is, then we go home in order to make it before curfew (it's sad that we have curfew.)
No strings attached, that's what it's supposed to be. We're friends who makeout. It's such a weird situation that I can hardly comprehend.
I have a makeout buddy. That is weird. I like it...
We text a lot. We text almost all day, every day (I know, I know, that's what couples do) but it almost always comes down to someone saying, "Soooo I kinda want to kiss someone right now and you make a good candidate." Then we get into a conversation about where we would meet and what our excuses would be (study group, the gym, a friends house, a church activity...) and then it all falls into place.
We meet up, we chitchat for a couple minutes, then we end up sucking face in the back of someone's car. Romantic, right? Wrong. It's not romantic because it's designed to be a hook up, straight up making out. Nothing all emotional, no cuddling while sharing our deep dark secrets. We makeout, we realize how late it is, then we go home in order to make it before curfew (it's sad that we have curfew.)
No strings attached, that's what it's supposed to be. We're friends who makeout. It's such a weird situation that I can hardly comprehend.
I have a makeout buddy. That is weird. I like it...
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Canoodling and Cop Cars
As is typical for a Thursday night, Daniel and I met up for a nice little romp in the back of my car. Our normal spot in an abandoned parking lot was taken, so we decided to go to the nearby LDS church parking lot. It was dark and empty and perfect.
I've noticed that recently my little excursions with Daniel are less about making out and more about talking and teasing and giggling. There's part of me that really like this, especially when he sends me text messages after wards saying, "I really enjoy talking to you, Leslie." but then another part of me is screaming, "NOOOOO!!!! This is when people get attached and hearts are going to be SMUSHED and your 'non-committal' are going to flop over to 'committal' so fast you won't even know!" I guess the whole arrangement he and I have is a little less NCMO and a little more friends-with-benefits, but I still view it as completely unattached. I could get a boyfriend at any time. Daniel could snatch up some pretty young thing (last night I actually told him that he's gonna find her very soon and this will have to end) at any moment. Annnywaay, point is, we talked a lot last night. It was fun, we lay in the back of my car laughing and joking around, sharing a couple smooches here and there.
We had hardly spent any time really doing any serious face sucking when Daniel said, "Yup, that's a spotlight." Sure enough, all the times that Daniel had spent glancing around being paranoid of every light moving around us was giving reason. Two cop cars pulled into the parking lot, shined their spotlight on my car then walked over and tapped on the window. We had just been talking at the time, so we were laying side by side, nothing racy going on. We climbed onto the middle seat and opened the car door.
First question, "How old are you guys? Can I see some ID?" Second, "So what are you guys doing?" We answered, "To be perfectly honest, we're makin' out." To which the lady cop gave us a skeptical look and said, "Just making out, eh? No sex? No groping each other?" This is where I got all silly and giggly and started going on and on about how we're good Mormon kids and we were just making out because we didn't want to makeout at our houses because of our parents and we had been friends for a long time but started dating around Christmas time (so glad Daniel didn't speak up at that time and say we started dating at a different time) I also threw in a little bit about how "if he ever tried any sort of groping, I'd smack him so hard!" I don't think the cop was buying it for a little while, but then she eased up and just told us about how if we had been caught having sex, we'd be put on a sex offenders list (you should have seen Daniel's eyes bug out at that) but then she made it clear that just making out is okay, we'd just have to find another place.
To sum it all up, we weren't doing anything wrong except that we were parking somewhere that was considered closed to the public. Next time, we'll be more discrete.
I don't know if anything kills the buzz faster than the fuzz.
I've noticed that recently my little excursions with Daniel are less about making out and more about talking and teasing and giggling. There's part of me that really like this, especially when he sends me text messages after wards saying, "I really enjoy talking to you, Leslie." but then another part of me is screaming, "NOOOOO!!!! This is when people get attached and hearts are going to be SMUSHED and your 'non-committal' are going to flop over to 'committal' so fast you won't even know!" I guess the whole arrangement he and I have is a little less NCMO and a little more friends-with-benefits, but I still view it as completely unattached. I could get a boyfriend at any time. Daniel could snatch up some pretty young thing (last night I actually told him that he's gonna find her very soon and this will have to end) at any moment. Annnywaay, point is, we talked a lot last night. It was fun, we lay in the back of my car laughing and joking around, sharing a couple smooches here and there.
We had hardly spent any time really doing any serious face sucking when Daniel said, "Yup, that's a spotlight." Sure enough, all the times that Daniel had spent glancing around being paranoid of every light moving around us was giving reason. Two cop cars pulled into the parking lot, shined their spotlight on my car then walked over and tapped on the window. We had just been talking at the time, so we were laying side by side, nothing racy going on. We climbed onto the middle seat and opened the car door.
First question, "How old are you guys? Can I see some ID?" Second, "So what are you guys doing?" We answered, "To be perfectly honest, we're makin' out." To which the lady cop gave us a skeptical look and said, "Just making out, eh? No sex? No groping each other?" This is where I got all silly and giggly and started going on and on about how we're good Mormon kids and we were just making out because we didn't want to makeout at our houses because of our parents and we had been friends for a long time but started dating around Christmas time (so glad Daniel didn't speak up at that time and say we started dating at a different time) I also threw in a little bit about how "if he ever tried any sort of groping, I'd smack him so hard!" I don't think the cop was buying it for a little while, but then she eased up and just told us about how if we had been caught having sex, we'd be put on a sex offenders list (you should have seen Daniel's eyes bug out at that) but then she made it clear that just making out is okay, we'd just have to find another place.
To sum it all up, we weren't doing anything wrong except that we were parking somewhere that was considered closed to the public. Next time, we'll be more discrete.
I don't know if anything kills the buzz faster than the fuzz.
Afternoon Delight
I don't typically ward hop. I'm very involved in my single's ward, so I stick pretty close to home. However, there was one particular Sunday when I had the oportunity to attend another ward for part of the block and I knew I looked really good, so I went on the off chance that I'd see this guy I'd been in love with for the past couple years. Okay, I also wanted to go and make Daniel see how hot I am. This was mid-February and I hadn't kissed anyone since Daniel on New Year's...
Somehow Daniel and I ended up at the park after church ended (Tyson, kid I was in love with, was a no-show.) We walked around the entire park and sat down on the bleachers by the baseball fields and just talked. It was really nice to catch up with him and see what he was up to. He called me out on my constant application of chapstick, claiming I'd lured him to the park just so I could kiss him. That is FALSE. I had had really dry lips the previous week and they cracked really bad, the chapstick was just to keep moisture on my lips so the cracks wouldn't get any bigger. I intended to not kiss Daniel at all. Tyson was home from his mission and we were hanging out practically every day, so I wanted to avoid guilt. Daniel walked me to my car, gave me a big hug, and planted one on me. Whoops....
The next Sunday Daniel came to my ward and we left early...to go makeout at a park. There we were in our Sunday best, making out instead of sitting in Sunday school. As far as habits go, that's something I'm not planning on making into one. I came home from "church" and during dinner my dad gave me his normal quiz of who taught what class and what did I find interesting. Definitely had to fudge a little instead of tell him about the French lesson...
Through a whirlwind of events, including Tyson announcing he got a girlfriend (freaking whore, I hate her), my telling Daniel that we had to stop and then, later that day, telling him we needed to meet up asap, Daniel and I ended up with plans to meet up and makeout. Scheduled hookup. Since then, it's been that same day every week. Friends with benefits, makeout buddies, committed NCMO partners, secret lovers without the lovers bit (Daniel's favorite lable. Should I be worried?) It's a weird arrangement, I know, but somehow it's working out...
Somehow Daniel and I ended up at the park after church ended (Tyson, kid I was in love with, was a no-show.) We walked around the entire park and sat down on the bleachers by the baseball fields and just talked. It was really nice to catch up with him and see what he was up to. He called me out on my constant application of chapstick, claiming I'd lured him to the park just so I could kiss him. That is FALSE. I had had really dry lips the previous week and they cracked really bad, the chapstick was just to keep moisture on my lips so the cracks wouldn't get any bigger. I intended to not kiss Daniel at all. Tyson was home from his mission and we were hanging out practically every day, so I wanted to avoid guilt. Daniel walked me to my car, gave me a big hug, and planted one on me. Whoops....
The next Sunday Daniel came to my ward and we left early...to go makeout at a park. There we were in our Sunday best, making out instead of sitting in Sunday school. As far as habits go, that's something I'm not planning on making into one. I came home from "church" and during dinner my dad gave me his normal quiz of who taught what class and what did I find interesting. Definitely had to fudge a little instead of tell him about the French lesson...
Through a whirlwind of events, including Tyson announcing he got a girlfriend (freaking whore, I hate her), my telling Daniel that we had to stop and then, later that day, telling him we needed to meet up asap, Daniel and I ended up with plans to meet up and makeout. Scheduled hookup. Since then, it's been that same day every week. Friends with benefits, makeout buddies, committed NCMO partners, secret lovers without the lovers bit (Daniel's favorite lable. Should I be worried?) It's a weird arrangement, I know, but somehow it's working out...
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