Yet Another Date

Before my date with Chad last weekend I nearly had a huge freak out. I tried on probably twelve different outfits before settling on a chic blouse, cute cardigan, and skinny jeans. I like to dress it up a little for first dates. BUT SERIOUSLY. I was ready for the date a couple hours in advance. I sat on my couch thinking of all the reasons why Chad could decide he didn't like me, like maybe my hair color is too loud? Maybe I'm too chubby? Maybe we wouldn't have anything to talk about? The possibilities are endless! I was freaking out. My stomach was churning and my heart was racing. Ugh. Dating is the worst.

Chad showed up ten minutes early looking freaking adorable in jeans and a blue and white stripped button up with his hair slightly reminiscent of missionary hair. He's taller than I thought. His voice is deeper. His eyes are bluer. He's definitely awkward, but not in a terrible way.

We started the night with bowling. Now, I'm a fairly good bowler but I haven't been in a long time. My competitive side wanted to do really well, but at the beginning of our first game I accidentally pulled a muscle in the top of my thigh. Sounds strange, right? No, I looked it up and it's a legit bowling injury. It was a bit rough, but I managed to almost beat him in the second game. If it hadn't been for the miraculous turkey he bowled in the last three frames, I would have won. Next time!

We went to get Indian food after bowling and Chad had a really hard time deciding which Indian restaurant to go to. He seems to be a bit indecisive. It'll take a little bit for me to learn how to not deflect options and make some decisions. When we finally did get to a restaurant, it ended up being really nice. We talked about our families and life and ambitions. He even told me that his middle name is my father's name, after my dad. Apparently his parents admire my dad so much that they named Chad after him, which I find pretty endearing. No wonder when I told my dad I was going on a date with Chad he said, "I hope you marry him. But no pressure." Haha, thanks Dad.

We finished dinner by splitting a dish of mango ice cream together. I thought that would be the end of the date, but Chad said, "Well, what do you want to do next?" We went back to my apartment to watch a movie. When he perused my selection of movies, I was surprised when he chose my favorite movie (which isn't exactly a completely appropriate movie...Inglorious Basterds). We sat next to each other during the movie, but we didn't really cuddle. I mean, my leg rested against him the whole time and that was about as close as we got to cuddling. Also, my cat bit the shiz out of his hand.

At the end of the night Chad gave me a big, lingering hug. Part of me really wanted to stand on my tip toes and kiss him, but I'm trying to be a really good girl and I don't want to ruin anything by premature. Instead I just hugged him back, tightly. When he walked out my front door, I stood in the doorway and he told me he had a really good time and he looked forward to seeing me at Thanksgiving, when I'm going to his parent's house for pie.

It wasn't a total disaster and I managed to get through the date without losing my cool. I can do this dating thing.  I hope there's a second date with Chad in the future.

Back to the Grindstone

I have my first date since Braden and I broke up. This Saturday, a month to the day. Is it weird that I feel like I'm starting back at square one? I'm nervous and unsettled and I feel like I won't have anything to share about myself. 

Shiz, I don't know how to be vulnerable anymore! Braden made me second guess everything about the way I approach dating. Inside I know how to do this, I've done it plenty of times and, quite honestly, I'm a effing charming woman. 

The guy I'm going out with is the son of one of my dad's law school friends from way back in the day. Over the summer, shortly before I met Braden, Chad looked me up on Facebook. I was confused as to why this handsome young mormon guy was adding me as a friend when I had no idea who he was. He cleared it up, though, and explained to me that his dad had told him about me and he decided track me down so we could get to know each other. Kind of weird, but also kind of sweet.

Chad tried on numerous occasions to strike up a conversation and ask me out, but I was so wrapped up in getting to know Braden that I hardly even took notice of him. He finally asked me to lunch with him, but Braden and I were already official and I had to turn him down (which was weird since we're friends on Facebook so he should have seen my relationship status when I updated it) and I felt bad because he's a really nice guy. 

A couple weeks after Braden and I broke up, I got a message from Chad asking how I was doing. When he found out that Braden and I broke up, he decided to keep the conversation going. We eventually exchanged numbers and decided that the next time he was in town (he goes to BYUI) we would go on a date. That time has arrived, seeing as we have a date arranged this weekend.

I'm really nervous, but I think it could be fun. Chad is a pretty sweet, albeit a little awkward, guy. It won't hurt to give him a chance.

Wish me luck!

The Truth About Loneliness

The Truth About Loneliness

I've had a lot of thoughts these past few weeks, especially in relation to Braden and his impact on my life and my spiritual situation. I've been trying to put my finger on something that I know is significant, but I haven't been able to figure out what it is. Today I was sitting in sacrament meeting during the passing of the sacrament and I was praying. I was praying to God and thanking him for everything I could think of, for the kindness of my bishop, for the atonement of Christ, and for His love that I've been feeling more abundantly now than I have since moving to Provo. During this prayer it hit me; I finally knew what it was that I had been trying to figure out. 

I now know why I was so infatuated with Braden and why I was so blind to the severity of my situation and to all the red flags. I've been lonely ever since I moved to Utah. Because of this loneliness, I've been depressed. I've been longing for friendship and the intimacy that comes with having people know you, but I spent my whole first year here looking in the wrong place for someone to fill that void.

When I first moved to Provo, as you know, I ended up kissing a LOT of guys. I formed these superficial, lustful relationships that ended up being fleeting. They momentarily filled the need I have to be close to people and left me feeling worse than before after they ended. This made me desperate. I searched harder to find someone to eliminate my loneliness, which drove me to act in ways that I know I shouldn't have. 

Braden came into my life right after I had moved to my very own apartment, sans roommates. I was working two jobs, which included working on Sundays. I wasn't as involved in my ward as I wanted to be and I justified not going with being too busy. Then this handsome, fun, kind young man came into my life and he made me feel needed. He called me every day and wanted to talk to me about his life and rely on my advice in times of trial. He slipped so quickly and easily into that void I had that I didn't even notice how poisonous his presence was for my spirit. His sweet words and comforting kiss masked the darkness he brought with him.

As our relationship progressed, I felt consumed with it. It became my life and I threw myself into it completely, without abandon. Braden needed fixing and caring for and I needed someone to care for and fix. I felt as though he gave me purpose and he was ridding me of the heavy feeling of being alone. But the cure for loneliness isn't to attach yourself to the first person who comes into your life. 

I know I saw red flags. I wanted to make other friends in order to feel more fulfilled, but Braden didn't like that. He didn't like when I chose to spend time with my one good girlfriend in Utah. He guilt tripped me when I voiced concern about our physical relationship. He made me feel as though my opinion didn't matter and that I was in the wrong for thinking it did. 

I refused to accept that things weren't the way I wanted them to be! I was stubborn and convinced myself that it was better to pretend to be happy with Braden than it was to be alone. I had spent so much time being depressed and miserable while being alone that I was settling for a relationship that was ruining me. 

Ever since Braden and I broke up and I started working with my bishop to get back where I need to be, I've had my eyes opened. Loneliness is a powerful tool of Satan. He uses it as a door to sneak in undetected. He will break you down with it. But it doesn't have to be that way! Loneliness isn't something you HAVE to be afflicted with, especially within the church. If you're lonely, get out there and make friends! Don't expect friends to come find you, because nothing in life happens if you're passive. 

Make things happen. Get out of your lonely hole and find happiness. Don't become complacent with being lonely and let it drive you to self destructive behavior. 

The truth about loneliness is this: you are in control. You can change your situation. Don't settle for loneliness, DEMAND happiness!

Fantasy vs Reality

I wish I could tell you that this post is all about how great my relationship with Braden is going and how in love we are. Unfortunately, that's not a thing anymore. My relationship with Braden ended about three weeks ago (actually, exactly three weeks ago) and I have to say that since it ended everything has changed.

Things started out great with Braden! I felt infatuated and, like I said, our communication level was off the charts and I adored that I had a man who wanted to talk to me about things. But what happens when the honeymoon phase ends? What happens when you start to see how things really are? Braden is bipolar and that presented a large trial. However, I'm a fixer and I tend to do everything in my power to fix broken men. Yeah, yeah, I know this is a bummer trait. Hopefully I get over my need to fix things...

Anyway, after our relationship ended I started to realize that everything about our relationship was about Braden and my trying hard to please him. I bent over backwards to make him at ease about all his doubts. I spent a ton of money to make his birthday memorable and fun. He would say things that hurt my feelings, but I buried it all down and acted like I was okay because I wanted him to be happy. Hell, I even started to like his dog even after he chewed my favorite sweater to shreds (and I don't like dogs..) Sometimes you don't realize how much you're neglecting yourself until everything you've been putting your effort into dissolves around you.

I have a confession and it's not one that I'm proud of. Like I said before, Braden isn't all that active, though with my encouragement he's been more active this past month than he has been in the past decade. This year hasn't been great for me and my testimony. I've always had one, but I allowed myself to lose track of things for a while and Braden was a big influence on that. He and I allowed ourselves to go a lot farther than I ever thought I would go before marriage. Details aside, there came a time when we knew we had to stop and backtrack and talk to our bishops. After we did that, things changed a ton. Braden didn't feel like he connected with me and he kept bringing up the fact that his ex girlfriend would have continued doing things with him and that always made me feel like crap. But I've justify things because he would end up saying, "But I know what we're doing is the right thing, it's just hard." Well, dude, it's even harder with your guilt trip constantly haunting me!

Ultimately that's what ended our relationship. Braden missed his ex and he decided that, despite quitting his job and moving to Provo from Salt Lake for me, he wanted to just be friends. He sat in my car rambling for half an hour about all this "You're my best friend, but I don't feel attracted to you" "I want to spend my life with you, but I'm just not sure" "I'm not over my ex, I guess." "Maybe we can just take some time apart? But I still want to see you"crap and I just sat there silently. I expected to feel sad, but instead I felt angry. I was furious with Braden for coming into my life, making me feel like he cared, bringing me down to his not-so-spiritual level, and then spouting off all that crap after a really great date. HELL NO!

Long story short, the night ended with us breaking up and I went inside and had a good cry. But then I felt relief! I felt a sense of freedom. That's when it dawned on me that I was neglecting myself and was drowning myself with Braden's issues. That's when I realized that I needed to make some huge changes in my life, starting with moving on from that disaster of a relationship.

Braden spent the next week begging me to see him, to give him another chance, to let him take me out and start over. I put my foot down. It's about damn time I stand up for myself and put an end to bad relationships. After much crying, yelling, throwing things across my lawn, and slamming doors, Braden and I finally came to the amicable conclusion that we have nothing else to offer each other in a relationship. And things are okay. I'm okay.

Relationships are a fantasy world. When you're infatuated with someone, you don't see how things really are. I'm pretty good at burying the red flags I see because my optimism wants to believe things will work out. My optimism is my blessing and my curse. But it's time for me to man up and get my shit together.

Although this is a hard position to be in, working with my bishop has been the blessing I need to rediscover myself. I feel like all the advice he's given me is God's way of showing me He knows me and knows what I need as well as what I want. He is guiding me in the direction I've been wanting to go for months, but have lacked the motivation.

This is when I leave my fantasy world and accept my reality. I'm a single 25 year old girl living in Provo, Utah. I'm not where I thought I would be at this point of my life and I'm not upset. I'm getting things in order and I'm on my way back to who I know God wants me to be and who I really am.

I'm okay.

My Prince Charming

I've been in a lot of crappy relationships. The guys I've dated have been jerks. I've put up with being treated poorly because, quite frankly, I didn't think I deserved better. I had become so complacent with being treated like my feelings don't matter, like I'm not good enough to be committed to, and not deserving someone who treats me like a Queen, that I actually came to believe it. I was such a mess and I wasn't looking for someone who would be my partner in all things because I didn't think a man like that existed. Friends, I was so wrong. I DO deserve someone wonderful and kind. I think I found him.

The other day I was having a TERRIBLE day. Everything was going wrong at work and everyone was making me mad. I had an all around bad attitude about everything. When I finally got off work, I got some sandwiches together, a blanket, and I got in my car to go out to Salt Lake to see Braden. I was so anxious to see him and to have this horrible day get a little better. We planned on taking his puppy to the park and having a picnic. It sounded so relaxing and fun!

The it started raining. But it wasn't just raining, it was POURING. There was thunder and lightning and I was caught in an incredible amount of traffic. I was so upset that my one bright activity for the day was ruined. When I finally got to Braden's, I was in such a foul mood. I threw my arms around him and almost started crying because I was so upset. He held me and let me vent about my frustrations. I lay down on his bed and whined about work troubles and traffic. Next thing I knew, Braden was taking my hand and pulling me up.

He had spread out a blanket on the floor. He turned on a YouTube video of outside forest noises and laid the sandwiches I brought out. He got a Diet Coke from the fridge (because he knows I'm a Diet Coke addict, so he keeps a pack in his fridge for me). He put together a picnic for me even though it was pouring rain. I cannot put my gratitude into words.

We ate sandwiches on the floor and then cuddled while we watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. We snuggled and fell asleep on his bed. It felt right. Being with Braden feels right. He texts me often to tell me he misses me and how wonderful I am. We talk on the phone every day. He makes me feel worth something. He makes me feel like I could do what we're doing for the rest of my life.

Braden is sublime.

My Fairytale

Braden. Time for me to clue you into this guy and why he's got me in such a tizzy.

Braden is yet another guy I met on tinder. The thing that caught me about him, however, was that he quickly said he wanted to meet me, despite living all the way in Salt Lake. He said, "I won't mind the drive, because I already can tell you're worth it." Okay, so I'm obviously a sucker for sweet talking.

Braden and I went on our first date about a month ago. He drove down to Provo and we decided to go out and get pizza from my favorite pizza place in town. As we sat down to wait for our order I could tell he wasn't really feeling the date. He was distracted and not really paying attention to what I was saying. I felt this knot in my stomach and I was already thinking, "Great, here goes another first date where I go home and don't ever get a call back. At least I'm getting delicious pizza out of this." 

Before we got our order, I paused in what I was saying to ask if Braden was feeling alright. He confessed to me that he had a killer migraine and didn't know what to do because he couldn't focus on anything but the migraine and this was not how he wanted our first date to be. I told him it was alright and we could go to my apartment and eat instead. We went back to my place, Braden picked up some pain killers on the way, and when we got back to my place I made him put some peppermint oil on his head to ease the pain. After a little while, I could tell he started relaxing. He was eating more, smiling more, and he was truly engaged in conversation with me. It felt really nice to be sitting with someone on the floor with me (because I still don't have a couch) just talking. 

That was several weeks ago. Braden and I have seen each other more times than I can count since then. I've cooked him dinner. He bought me candles (because I love candles.) We talk on the phone for hours and we say, "Oh yeah? Yeah!" like in Fargo all the time because we watch Fargo together last week. 

Braden makes me unbelievably happy. Like, happier than anyone has ever made me before. Not Kirk, not Tyson, not anyone. I've never felt like this before. 

Braden isn't the perfect LDS guy and I have to admit that I'm not the perfect LDS girl. We both have work to do to get where we need to be in order to take this further, should that be the route this relationship goes, but we're both willing to do the work. He encourages me to be better. We encourage each other to be better. He tells me when something bothers him. He tells me how he feels about me. If he's feeling insecure, he asks me what I feel toward him. We tell each other things. It's outstanding. 

I am so in like. I am so on my way to being in love.

The Truth Comes Out

Do you want to know the real reason why I sometimes stop blogging?

This is hard for me to admit, but I think it's finally time I own up and say it: blogging makes me depressed. Things were going so great with Elliott and I was really looking forward to getting to know him more. He was exactly the kind of guy I want to be with. But then we had a DTR and he admitted to me that he really wanted there to be a spark between us, but he didn't feel it. I know I only went on three dates with the guy, but that was a blow. I was really, really upset. I haven't been that upset in a long time. I called my dad and broke down. All my dad could say was, "Oh, Leslie. I'm so so sorry. That hurts so much. I'm so sorry."

Hearing my father's sympathy pushed me over the edge. I realized that I was focusing so much on the idea of finding Mr. Right and getting my happily ever after. I'm surrounded by other Mormon girls who are fulfilling expectations of getting married young and starting a family, but I'm still searching for that one and everything seems to be a dead end. I know I have other things in life going for me, but it still hurts. It hurts to be rejected, especially when it's someone who seems so good.

I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I stopped blogging for a couple months because every date I went on ended up being just another first date after which he never would ask me out again. I can't even begin to explain the affect this had on my self worth. In my mind, so many first dates and no second dates translates as there being something wrong with me. My not being good enough. My being destined to live my life alone. Blogging about all my failures in dating was dragging me down, so I stopped.

Since I stopped, I've been focusing more on myself and my work and my happiness. I've been reading more, doing more yoga, and cooking more for enjoyment. I realized my job wasn't getting my anywhere and it was taking advantage of me, so I went out and found a new job. I'm starting a new job that is going to present daily challenges, but the kind of challenges that I need in order to grow and gain more confidence.

I'm getting my ducks in a row. I got a cat and I love him, but that doesn't mean I've resigned myself to being a crazy cat lady (despite whatever I might have tweeted.)

The story is for another post, but I've met someone. His name is Braden and he makes me so happy. You'll hear about him soon.

Small Town Provo

Provo is too small of a town, and that's coming from someone who went to school in Rexburg. How is it that I spent all that time in Idaho and had very few awkward run-ins, but now that I'm in Provo, I seem to be seeing the same guys everywhere?? I think I may have gotten around more than I intended...

For example, just the other day I went to Sodalicious (Dirty Diet Coke: my summer addiction) and I saw Milo sitting at a table with a girl. I don't think he saw me. Even if he did, he was being too hipster to acknowledge me. Judging by his unkempt beard and cut off Boy Scout shorts, I dodged a bullet. But seriously, out of all the people in Provo, HE is the one at Sodalicious? Well played, fate, well played.

Another example: Elliot and I got together last night before FHE (yay!). We went on a run around south of campus and stopped by his work to do a few things before going out to run again. Now, normally I wouldn't let a guy see me sweat and get all red in the face and reveal that yes, it's true: I'm a giant wimp, but I felt like it would be fun and I really wanted to see Elliot! I don't feel bad or awkward about revealing my extreme red workout face to him because we had a good time. After we finished running (three miles! Go us!) we ended up at his apartment. We decided to bake something and watch a couple episodes of a TV show together. Mostly we ended up talking, though. He told me how his roommates are all engaged and too busy to spend time with him. After he said that I took a look at the numerous engagement photos on his fridge, which he said were all his roommates. I noticed one picture in particular and I almost laughed out loud. Elliot is roommates with Landon!  He thought it was funny that Landon and I had gone on some dates and he admitted that Landon never told Elliot he had tried using tinder. It was a mixture of super awkward and really funny.


This town is way too small.

Pouring Pt 3

It's really easy to fall into a routine of not blogging. Consequently I've fallen behind in my stories and I have some things to catch you up on, but it's so exhausting to write it all out and cover territory that is now old news to me. So let's cover some ground quickly...

I met a guy at Comicon who got my phone number and we texted for a bit and he came to my birthday dinner, but nothing ever came of it and I think he just likes to flirt. I was excited about him for a little bit, but the spark faded quickly. Bummer, right? Oh well, life moves on.

I've moved out of my old apartment and into my own place. While I enjoyed my time in my old apartment, I'm really happy to be living alone. Some people do better with roommates, I'm just not one of them. I thrive in my own space. Now I have a whole apartment that is my space (see what I did there?). It's glorious. Yay for being an adult!

A little over a week ago I went to dinner with a guy I met on the LDS dating site. His name is Elliot and he is super smart, but not in an intimidating way. He's relaxed and open and friendly. I had a really good time on the date and he seemed to have a good time, too. During our conversation we ended up touching on some pretty sensitive subjects for me and him as well, all just personal matters, and it was nice to talk to someone who listened and had a kind, intelligent, spiritual response. Elliot is the kind of guy who makes me want to be a better person. He doesn't watch R rated movies, but he's not a total Peter Priesthood. 

Will I see Elliot again? I hope so. We talked about different things we want to do to work out and he mentioned that it would be fun to do something together. I suggested we do insanity and he was all "I'm game" but I wasn't serious. I've got some work to do before I hit up insanity. But hey, it's a good sign that he wants to do something with me! 

It feels like summertime and it feels like I'm getting my ducks in a row. Good things are going to happen this summer, just you wait.

Adult Things

I'll tell you this: once you become an adult and you have to start being responsible for things you didn't think about before (like insurance, gas bills, and getting enough sleep to function), life becomes pretty hectic. I feel like I've been going around in this circle of go to work, get obligations taken care of, get in bed early, repeat. I'm EXHAUSTED.

I've been in the process of moving, which is always a pain. There's the packing, the cleaning, the throwing things away, the selling of contracts, the apartment hunting...all this is on top of still keeping up the adult schedule of working and being responsible. BUT I'm aaaaalmost done. After next week I'll be all moved into my very own apartment. No roommates, no college apartment complex...all that craziness is going to be a thing of the past. I can't tell you just how excited I am.

I'm also excited to be able to make my own rules when it comes to having guys over at the apartment. Sure, I haven't had any big issues and I'm not really opposed to BYU's honor code rules, but it's still nice to not feel like a child. I'm a twenty five year old woman. I think I can make the decision of whether or not I have a guy in my room or  over past midnight.

So I might end up having a sleepover with a guy, but that doesn't mean I'm going to end up having sex or being wildly inappropriate. No, I think I can handle myself. For a while there I don't think living alone would have been the best thing for me, on account of the increasing amount of gentlemen callers and rather high libido...it's all good now, though! I've had my wild "makeout with every guy in Provo" stint. I can keep it in my pants and maintain my boundaries.

So the big move happens soon. I'll officially be an adult who does adult things. My dad hopes the next adult thing I do is get married, but seeing as my track record on the search for marital bliss has been less than stellar, I'll probably just end up adopting first. A cat, that is. ;)

The next time I post, it'll be from my new sanctuary. Wish me luck!

Pouring Pt 2

I have that whole confusing thing with Ethan going on now, right? I don't really want to DTR with him because I don't want him to say we're exclusive, but at the same time I'm 99% sure he wouldn't say that because that's not really who he is. So we're pseudo dating and since it's only pseudo, I'm not going to stop flirting and going on dates.

A couple weeks ago I was asked out by two different guys online. On paper, both of them sounded great. We carried on great conversation via message with one and on the phone with the other. All of the sudden it felt like I was doing the right thing by looking around online.

Guy #1 was the one who wanted to call me and we enjoyed a really great conversation. He was funny and a little weird and we had so much in common. He asked if he could take me out to lunch the following week and I consented, though I was bummed that it wasn't for another couple days.

Guy #2 asked me out for that week as well, for lunch the day after Guy #1. It was going to be a busy week! When Tuesday arrived I went into work early to make sure I'd be done on time for my date with guy #1. When I got home I texted him to ask if we were still on and he informed me that he had a last minute rehearsal for a theater group he's in and he couldn't go. We rescheduled for the following week and, in my disappointment, I resigned myself to bed for a long nap.

Yeah, we never went out. He told me the following week, only momentarily before our date, that he started dating someone else. He went on and on about how it happened and how he was sorry he didn't tell me sooner and that I'm awesome. Whatever, he should have cancelled as soon as he realized he wanted to date this other girl. Getting told after a guy asks me out that he's dating someone else is getting REALLY old. What happened to common courtesy?

Guy #2 and I went out for lunch and we had a good time! We talked a lot about him, which was a little bit of a sign that he wasn't digging me that much, but it was still good conversation. But there came a point when I knew it wasn't going to last: his favorite movie is Spiderman 2, with Toby McGuire. Out of ALL the movies in the world, he chose that one. Yeah, it was never going to work. Lunch was good and when I sent the post date text thanking him again, telling him I had a good time, he said "I'm glad you had a good time." Apparently he didn't have a good time. Boo.

So even though those two dates flopped and I'm floating in dating limbo with Ethan, it was still an upswing and I've been enjoying life a little more. I nerded out that weekend and went to ComicCon with my good friend. I might have met someone at ComicCon...

To Be Continued...

Pouring Pt 1

I feel as though everything happens all at once and then I go through a slump where nothing happens for months until the next "when it rains, it pours" period. Right now it's pouring.

First of all, Ethan and I have been spending an increasing amount of time together. I haven't gotten the guts to friendzone him yet. In fact, I've done the opposite. We watched a movie earlier this week together and he got all comfy, resting his hand on my leg, pulling me in close to him (but still not being overtly cuddly, because he's not really a touchy guy.) We watched the movie and then started watching a few episodes of a TV show. Part of the way through it we kissed. It was kind of cute because after the first kiss he was grinning really big, like he had just gotten an awesome surprise.

While that was really cute, it really just complicated the situation. I really, really enjoy spending time with Ethan. Half the time we text, we're arguing about things we don't agree on (like what concerts are worth going to) but after things get heated, he always texts me hours later with a sweet, flirty change of subject to soften my irritation. He's relaxed and respects my time alone and that is something I really, really appreciate.

But now what am I supposed to do? I feel as though I should tell him I just want to be friends, but things are really comfortable and I kind of just want to let things play out. I mean, I know I don't want to date him exclusively so maybe I can just stay dating him casually, at least for a little while.

Let's face it, sometimes you really just need to be held by someone.

Ethan and the Friendzone

Remember the ice skating date I went on a couple weeks ago? His name is Ethan and he and I have gotten together a few more times to watch movies and go hot tubbing. I really enjoy spending time with him because it reminds me a little of when I would hang out with Aiden all the time. I miss having a guy friend I can just chill with!

Ethan and I have been talking for about a month now and I've pretty much decided that it's a friendship because I don't feel any sort of attraction beyond friendship and that's the same vibe he's been giving off. We text a bit, chill, and then call it night. No pressure, no NCMOs, just enjoyment of each other's company.

Last night he came over to go hot tubbing and continue watching a movie series we started together. I had just gone on a hike and I was exhausted, so after the hot tub I got dressed in basketball shorts and a band T-shirt because I just didn't care. I don't need to impress Ethan. He knows I can dress nice and be cute, but I just wanted to be comfortable and relax. Don't get me wrong, I didn't look like a hot mess, I just wasn't my normal presentable self.

We grabbed In-N-Out and ate it while we started the movie. I can't even express how nice it was to have a relaxing night in with a friend. Aiden has moved back to California with his wife, who just had a baby a week ago, and I know I won't ever be able to hang out with him again like we used to and I miss that. Even if you're not interested in the guy, it's nice to have a friend you don't need to worry about anything with. It's nice to just be around someone instead of being alone.

During the movie I was texting with Derek, who is still in the picture. The guy is hilarious and I have a hard time not talking to him all the time. At one point I was sending a quick flirty response to Derek when all of the sudden Ethan bridged the gap between us and grabbed my hand. He laced his fingers with mine and continued watching the movie. Ummm what?! I though we had friendzoned each other!

I didn't really know how to react, so I just let it happen. He didn't try anything else, he didn't scoot over so we could snuggle, he just held my hand. He held my hand and it made me sad. Here is a guy who is cute and interesting and taking things slow, but I know deep down that even if I wanted to date him, I couldn't do it. I can't bring myself to get involved with someone who doesn't have a testimony of the church. I can't take the risk of falling in love with someone who can't spend eternity with me. I know they say "use it as a missionary opportunity! Flirt to convert!" But I know the heart ache of falling for someone who doesn't believe. Ethan doesn't even know if God exists, which is something I know and I hold dear to my heart.

After the movie Ethan hugged me goodbye and left. He sent me a post date text (since I s'pose that was a date) and asked to see me again soon. I don't want to hurt him, but I know I have to friendzone him and I have to do it soon.

Finally a good guy and I can't allow myself to be with him.

Blake Report

I went on that date with Blake on Tuesday and I'm still processing it. We met up for dinner and I had a good time and he seemed to enjoy his time with me, but I'm not really sure how it really went. The date was barely an hour long and, despite there not really being a lull in conversation, we ended the date and went on our way. I'm not sure what to make of it.

Blake was exactly as nerdy as I anticipated and as interesting in person as he was online. We talked about our families and our work. As we were leaving the restaurant we had a bit of a nerd out and talked about a particular SciFi movie and the book and how they compare. It was pretty awesome to get to talk to someone about things I like to geek out about.

After the date Blake and I exchanged a few texts about how it was nice to meet one another and how we had a good time. However, since then we haven't really talked and I don't know what that means. Well, I have a hunch about it, but I'm not sure if it's accurate. Was he really not interested, or is he just an awkward person? I suppose that now it's been nearly a week since the date and Blake hasn't asked me out again it's probably safe to assume that we won't be going out again.

Am I bummed? Yeah, a little. I wasn't emotionally invested in him yet, but I was looking forward to getting to know him better. Oh well. On to the next!

I don't know about you, but he's 32

Even after the disaster with that guy Dale on the dating website, I decided to still stick with if (mostly because I've already paid my three month membership.) Nothing much has come of it so far, but I've exchanged a few messages with a guy who is nerdy, albeit still cute.

His name is Blake and he's, wait for it, 32. Yikes, right? Sounds a bit old. But you know what? It doesn't really bother me. I mean, 32 is pretty much the oldest I'm willing to date, but it doesn't scare me off. Besides, he's really smart and he's pretty funny.

He asked me to have dinner with him, telling me he wants to take me to my favorite restaurant and talk more in depth about some of the things we've touched on in conversation. I'm not losing sleep because of excitement, but I'm looking forward to a night out with an interesting man.

Taking His Time

Finally I go on a Tinder date with a guy who isn't trying to get in my pants and then he tells me he's not active and hasn't been active since he was a young teenager. It's like the universe is against me meeting a quality man!

I woke up from an afternoon nap on Saturday to a message on Tinder from a guy I haven't spoken to in a few weeks. He asked if I wanted to go ice skating that night. I figured I didn't have anything going on and it could be fun, so I went and met him at the ice rink. We skated for a few hours and had a really good time! He was interesting and he didn't really put up any fronts. Whatever he wanted to say, he said it. He wasn't rude about anything, but he was open about things that normally wouldn't be talked about on a first date.

Ice skating is one of those dates where you expect that he'll try and hold your hands and help you around the ice, right? Maybe it was just that he plays ice hockey and I'm pretty sufficient at ice skating so I didn't need help and he respected that. He even told me that he's not a super touchy feely person and he's not the kind of guy who wants to jump right into a relationship. It was refreshing to hear that and to see it in action.

He asked to get together again, so last night he came over and watched a movie with me. Again, he didn't try anything. We sat next to each other on the couch and we weren't miles apart, but he wasn't trying to get up in my business. It would be really nice is more guys would follow suit and take their time in getting to know a girl before jumping into the physical side of a relationship!

I'm not going to pursue a relationship with this guy because we talked about religion and he's a little too set in his way of not believing, but I certainly could be friends with him.

Why can't more guys be like that? Why skip the courting part of a relationship and jump right into the physical?

What The Hell!

Here's what I don't get: Why ask a girl on a date when you know you're going to cancel it anyway?

Dale said multiple times last week through messages that he wanted to take me out on a date. We talked about our schedules and decided that Tuesday would be the best night to get together. On Saturday he finalized plans with me and we were good to go. However, today he sent me a message saying this:

I hate to do this, but I'm going to have to cancel our date. It looks likely that I'm going to be dating someone else, and I didn't want to start something with you that couldn't go anywhere. But you're freaking awesome. Nice to talk to you.

What the hell! How on earth do you go from planning a date with me on Saturday to "likely dating someone else" on Monday? How the HELL does that happen? I mean, I haven't been out on a date with this guy, so I'm not really invested in him, but really? I think I deserve better than that. Yeah, it's nice that he told me, but it still sucks, especially because he isn't even dating anyone, he's only "likely" to be dating someone. What if it doesn't work with that girl and he comes back asking to take me on a date? I'm not going to settle for being second choice. Hell no.

Anyway, there's my rant for the day.

Getting Out of the Winter Funk

I keep saying that I'm going to write an update, yet I can't get myself to sit down and write anything. What happened with Derek? What am I doing with my dating life? Why did I disappear when I was looking forward to finally writing about this guy I was falling for?

Well, to answer those questions shortly, Derek didn't come visit. His flight fell through last minute and he opted to stay home visiting with family. I was pretty upset. I kind of shut myself up for a couple weeks in order to figure things out. My heart and my head were both very confused. I wanted so badly to have things with Derek work out, but instead it slipped right through my fingers. I was upset, Derek was bothered that I was so upset, and we both let it escalate. Then we stopped talking. It's been weeks and we're only just getting back into talking with one another often. I'm not sure if anything will ever happen, but I'm just letting things be. It's too much for my heart to handle if I'm pressuring Derek for more than he can give.

I'm sad I didn't get to see him, but that's how life goes: not how you plan.

What's going on with me now? A lot of work, which is part of the reason I haven't written in so long. I went on a few dates with a guy who goes to BYUI who I met in the grocery store in Orem, but I can't see anything going anywhere with him.

I set up an account with an LDS dating site because I know a few people who are either dating or engaged to guys they met on there. Can't hurt to try, right? I have my first date from that site this coming Tuesday. His name is Dale and he likes a ton of the same books/movies/music that I do. He's very interesting to talk to and he told me that he was talking to a few other girls on the site, but he has found himself only coming on to check for messages from me. I'm interested to see how the date goes. It could be really fun!

I met a guy this week from my complex while I was hot tubbing. He's really cool! His name is Trevor and he promised to help me get back into the long boarding scene. We exchanged numbers and we texted quite a bit over the weekend.

There you go! Things with Derek were a downer, but all around, things aren't bad. I've just found myself in a rut where I can't seem to motivate myself to blog. I'm going to try and turn that around and blog more! Thanks for not giving up on me.

Waiting

My roommates keep asking me whether or not I'm nervous for Derek to visit. You know, I don't really feel all that nervous. At this point it's mostly a mixture of being anxious and being excited. 

Twelve more days until he's here and I feel like time is slowing down. This next week for me is going to be absolutely insane at work and I want to just fast forward through it to the following week. I don't even know what Derek and I are going to do other than we're going to spend a ton of time together. And you know what? I have no qualms about that. I would love to just spend a weekend with Derek talking and watching movies and making dinner together. We don't need to have a lot of plans, since we're doing this so we can spend time with each other.

It's either going to make or break us and I'm ready to find out. He and I have a lot of potential, but we need to see each other to know. Twelve days until we find out. Until then, I wait. Forgive me if I don't have much to write about for the next little while.

Happiness

Kirk texted me this past week asking to see me on Saturday. My immediate reaction was to tell him  "No thanks," which isn't something I've ever felt like telling him before. There's always been a part of my heart that has been dying to have him come to me like that. Of course, every time he has in the past I've been let down and crushed because that's what he does best. But this time? I didn't have any sort of inclination to see him, only to tell him no as quick as possible.

Is this what being happy is like? Is being happy forgetting my past heart aches? I can't even describe how good it feels to not want to have anything to do with Kirk. I feel like I'm on top of my game right now. I have a job that I freaking love and I can't help but continue to fall for Derek.

It's little things, like how Derek will text me first most days and how he congratulates me on doing a great job at work after a busy day. Or how he has all sorts of cheesy puns and he's constantly making me laugh. From hundreds of miles away Derek treats me better than any guy has treated me in a long time. He's romantic, but gets embarrassed. He's frank about what he likes and what he doesn't like because he's older and has had his own share of heart breaks.

This is what happiness feels like. If this is a dream, then I never want to wake up.

Terrified

It's hard to say that things with Derek are progressing because we're so far apart, but I definitely can't say that they're staying the same.  This week we tried out FaceTime for the first time and I have no complaints other than it was over too soon.

When my phone started ringing there was a split second when I thought, "What if Derek has a voice that I can't stand?? That's going to be a deal breaker for me. Ahhh!!!" Then I answered the phone and was pleasantly greeted by a scruffy Derek with a perfect voice. I was so relieved. He and I talked for about half an hour and he introduced me to his sister and brother in law.  It was a little awkward talking through that medium, but it was nice to see him while we talked.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, since so much can go wrong with this, but I really enjoy everything about Derek. The conversation flows so incredibly well. I was talking with one of my roommates about him and I told her how I don't want to say anything about love yet since it's so soon and he and I haven't met face to face and she said, "I don't think you need to say anything about it; it's all over your face and how you talk about him."

I'm freaking terrified.

None of It Matters Anymore

I have several different posts started about dating, tinder, and hooking up with a friend's roommate in the back of my car, but I can't seem to finish any of them. I've become so incredibly distracted that none of that stuff seems to even matter and it's all because of a guy named Derek.

Derek graduated from BYUI a couple semesters before I did. We didn't even know the other existed at that time and we remained completely unaware of each other until about a year ago. We're both avid twitter users and, somehow, we ended up following each other. I didn't think much about it, especially since Derek lived in Florida and that's pretty far away. We would go through these phases where we'd talk a ton but then we'd stop for a while, only occasionally commenting on each other's tweets and exchanging movie titles for the other to watch (we're both pretty big movie buffs.)

Ever since I moved to Utah I've been in a bit of a rut as far as looking for someone to be with, but not really finding it. I keep ending up with these one night make outs and, let's face it, while those can be really fun, they're not really helping me get anywhere closer to a healthy, normal relationship. I could go on and on about my theories of why I've been making out with so many guys lately, but like I said earlier, it doesn't seem to matter anymore.

Last Fall Derek and I joked about getting married just so we can have our dream kitchen and ever since then it's been a continuous joke. We talk about our kids and how we'll handle fights and whether or not we're going to have dogs. It's in jest, but it's fun to joke around with him. He's the kind of guy who always texts back and doesn't text just one line texts. Some girls aren't into the guy who'll send multiple texts in response, but I dig it! I like that Derek wants to engage in conversation and that he gives it his all. He's always bringing up things that I mentioned forever ago and it feels amazing to have someone actually pay attention to what I'm saying. I get freaking giddy whenever his name pops up on my phone.

So what's a girl in Utah to do when she's falling for a guy she's never met who lives in Florida? Ignore it. That's what I've been doing for months because there's not really much hope for us. But then last week Derek sent me a text telling me he's going to be in Utah next month and he wants to know how much time I want to spend with him so he can plan how long to stay. I can't tell you the flood of emotions that I felt in both my heart and my head. It was like someone released a bomb of bees in my body and every part of me was buzzing with chaos and excitement.

Here's the deal: Derek is coming to Utah next month because he's moving to Texas and he'll be between jobs, so he's taking this opportunity to see family and me. It's like this thing that I've been leaving in far corner of my brain (of my heart?) because I didn't think there was a possibility is becoming real and I've taken it out for the first time to actually handle it and see how it feels. It feels amazing.

Here's a glimpse into the conversation we had last night:

We had just been talking about careers and what we want to do with our lives...
Derek: And I know this is at the end of a long list of ifs, but if we do end up gettin' hitched, I am totally on board for you to have your business. Just sayin.
Me: Even if it's a lot of ifs, it means a lot to me that you're all for it. Thank you.
Derek: But I'm not scrubbing toilets in that joint. Hire a teenager for that! haha
Me: That's why we'll have kids!
Derek: Ooo, good point!
Me: I'll teach you how to help me run the place ;)
Derek: Anything you can teach me, I will gladly learn!
Me: I have a feeling we'll have fun together. 
Derek: Me too. We have a lot in common and things that we can take from each other.
Me: I like you, Derek. It feels weird because I haven't met yo and you seem too good to be true. It scares the hell out of me to care fro someone I haven't met, but I can't help it. I do.
Derek: Yeah, I like you too and it also scares me for the same reason. The whole thing scares me just cause of what's at risk. I mean, we've had to get to really know each other cause we couldn't just pass the time with activities so I think that counts for something but any time you put your heart out there, it has a chance of getting hurt and I've had my heart hurt enough times that it scares me to think about putting it out there again. But, like I said, this has been progressing naturally so I think that counts for something. 
Derek: Just know that I'm gonna have to go gingerly cause pulling my heart out of the chest is a tender ordeal, haha!
Me: I don't want to force you to do or feel anything. I just need to be honest and open about what I feel because, when it comes down to it, that's the only thing I have (a little bit of) control over. I haven't been able to connect with someone the way you and I have connected in a long time and it feels so good.
Derek: I understand. I just wanted to let you know so if there's a time that it seems like I'm retreating, I'm just scared of getting hurt or hurting you. 

I don't know what's going to happen with Derek and I don't know if he's the one for me. I don't know what's going to happen when he comes to visit next month. All I know is I feel like my head is clearer that it's been in a long, long time. I feel so good about the way we talk and the way he listens and tells me things.

I'm looking forward to seeing how things unfold. Maybe 2014 is my year for love.

I Know Nothing About Cars

Ladies, I've discovered the secret to catching a man's attention, and it's not baring as much skin as possible without being a streetwalker. It's pretty easy, actually. All it takes is either some bad luck or a few white lies. I found out through bad luck, but it doesn't have to really be an accident.

I've been having some car trouble this week, so I've called a few friends and posted on facebook for some advice. You won't believe the amount of guys who have come out of nowhere to offer up advice and their services. I have had guys calling me and texting me nonstop about what the issue with my car is, whether or not I've tried different things, and asking if they can come take a look. Yeah, it absolutely sucks that I have the bad luck of my car not working and that I am currently stranded for the time being, but it's not too terrible having all these men thronging about.

Here's when the white lies come into play: I know quite a bit about cars. This isn't my first rodeo with car trouble and I know what I'm talking about. If I say the engine won't turn over, I know what that means. But sometimes, in order to boost a guy's ego and make him feel like he's rescuing a helpless damsel in distress I feign not knowing what he's talking about. No matter who the guy is, he eats this up. Being able to talk in automotive jargon and not have a woman follow, so they have to explain in super simple terms makes a man feel like he's doing something really macho and he's being really impressive. I'm totally okay with pretending I know nothing in order for a man to preen his car peacock feathers in front of me. Totes down with that.

So what happens when you want to catch a man and your car isn't having any trouble? The answer is simple: make your car have trouble. Now, I'm not saying go and run your car into a tree or slash your tires. No need to go to such dramatic, expensive lengths to get a guy's attention. All you need to do is "accidentally" leave your lights on overnight. Or, if you really want to commit (without causing damage to your car) you can loosen one of the terminals (one of the metal things on your battery that hook to the cables that hook your battery to your engine) on your battery so the car won't start. As soon as you pop the hood of your car open and lean over the engine, wiggling and jiggling things at random, because you know nothing about cars, the fellows will be RUNNING to help you.

"Car trouble? I can help!"
"Need a jump?"
"What's wrong with your car?"
"Have you tried making sure your car is completely in park when starting it?"
"Is it making a clicking noise?"

Yeah, the guys will be jumping at the opportunity to help you. Your job is to sit back and be impressed. Act as if everything he's saying is so interesting and you're learning so much, even if you already know what he's talking about. Touch his arm and compliment him on his knowledge of cars. Thank him for helping you out and offer him cookies or brownies. If you don't have his number already, this opens it up for you to get his number so you can thank him for his help. If you already know him, ask if he wants to grab lunch together or watch a movie at your place that night.

Car troubles are a pain in the rear, but they're good for picking up men. I'll let you know how well it works out for me this time...

Cheers!

Dating Resolutions

I figured since my list of personal New Year's resolutions mostly consists of not drinking soda and taking more naps, I need to make a separate list of resolutions that are going to help me be a better dater. I mean, I'm a pretty good dater, but not a very successful one. It's 2014 and I'm still single. What gives, Universe?

Dating Resolutions

• Get out of the apartment more

 This will be accomplished by enrolling in institute classes, going to parties, and attending every ward function that is announced. This could also mean inviting my coworkers/classmates/people in my ward to go do things with me. Movies? Gym? Dinner? Bowling? Yeah! Let's get out! This leads me right into my next goal...

• Meet more guys in person

Yeah, online dating and Tinder are really convenient for someone like me who is a little shy in person and doesn't have a lot of opportunity to meet people in person. But I need to make more of an effort to meet guys in real life and to stun them with my humor, my passion, and my mind. I think I've been hiding behind the fact that I don't interact with a lot of people outside of my apartment and work because I'm a little bit scared of putting myself out there in a face-to-face situation. It's scary!

• No first date kissing

I'm the worst at following through on this. I like kissing and I'm not really opposed to kissing on the first date. Sometimes it's the thing that helps me decide whether or not I'm  really into a guy. Sometimes I recognize that it's just going to be a one night thing and I want to get a NCMO in before it's over. And, yeah, sometimes I just feel a little slutty. I don't think that's what I should be doing, though. I need to make the commitment to myself to wait it out and let the emotional side of things develop quicker than the physical side.

• Stop relying on myself so much

Here's something I know: When you put your trust in the Lord, listen to the Spirit, and follow his promptings, things go right and you end up happy. I figure if I stop trying to find myself my happily ever after and I stop constantly being on the lookout for Mr Right, then I'll have more time to focus on the other things in my life that I have to enjoy and improve and the Lord can spend more time preparing Mr Right to cross my path. I don't think I need to be on edge waiting for him when I could be busy enjoying life. I'll recognize him when he comes around.


2014 has a lot of potential to be the best year yet. I'm a college graduate, I have an awesome job, I'm smart, I'm pretty, I'm spiritual, and I'm kind of hilarious. There's nothing stopping me from making this a great year. Bring it.

Ringing In 2014

So I said I was going to go out with a bang and, Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m happy to say that I did. At first I was afraid I wouldn’t actually go out and do anything for New Year’s because my roommate texted me saying she was feeling pretty tired and sore, so she wanted to stay home and go to bed early instead. I practically had to beg her to come out and party with me because there was NO WAY I was spending my New Year’s Eve sitting at home alone. I told her our party options (The Madison, Newphoria at UVU, and the Gatsby party at the Riverwoods) and she wanted to go to the Madison. I have had a lot of fun when we’ve gone out there before, but I wasn’t really feeling it this week. It’s a club and it tends to attract the drunk creeper type of person. The party at UVU was going to be bigger and with the more college-y crowd I wanted to spend the night with.

She gave in and we got all dressed up to go party it up on the last day of 2013. While we were getting ready, I was bouncing off the walls hyper and excited. I knew I looked hot and I was stoked about going to this party to show off and dance and probably kiss a stranger. The two of us, along with another friend, headed out to UVU and we weren’t disappointed. The place is big, so it holds a lot of people without getting overly crowded or overheated. Jef Holm of The Bachelorette fame was there and that was a bit of a plus. I kind of have a huge crush on him. I did not, however, fork out $40 to participate in the meet-and-greet. Celebrities are cool and all, but it’s not worth it to spend that much money on getting my photo with someone famous…even if it is Jef Holm.

We danced and jumped around and had a great time. After all the dance parties I went to in Rexburg, I was pleasantly surprised by the lack of guys grinding up on me. Don’t get me wrong, I dig the occasional dirty dancing with a random guy at a dance, but in Rexburg it seems to be a little over the top. At this dance, though, it was just the right amount of bump and grind, yet also just dancing around with your friends. It didn’t really hurt that there was an overabundance of really attractive guys there. Not a ton of girls. I’m not really sure why the ladies weren’t representing as well as they could have been…but whatevs, MORE GUYS FOR ME! I’m greedy.

About twenty minutes or so before midnight this really hot blond guy started dancing around behind me. I felt pretty outgoing and flirty, so I backed up against him and started dancing with him. A minute or so later we were dancing together and just having a blast. H wasn’t one of those super pushy guys, so he wasn’t getting very handsy, which I appreciated. He’d put his hand on my hip or on my arm for just a few seconds before letting go. I kept thinking to myself, “This timing could not be better. I’m probably going to kiss this guy at midnight” And kiss at midnight we did! We stopped dancing for the countdown and then he turned me to face him and he went in for the kill.

My mystery New Year’s guy wasn’t a great kisser, he used way too much tongue, but it was still fun! We stood there in the middle of the dance floor sucking face for the first several minutes of 2014. Confetti and balloons fell all around us, but we didn’t notice. Some guy shoved us and yelled, “GET SOME!!!!” but we kept making out. Um….this guy was cut. Great muscles. At the end of the night the girls I went with had each kissed three guys, but I just kissed my NYMM (New Year’s Mystery Man.) But despite only having kissed one guy, we all agreed that I won the stranger kissing contest. One of the girls only kissed creepers, which, if you ask me, is kind of dumb. If the guy is a creeper, why are you dancing with him and why the hell are you kissing him? There were so many cute guys at that party! Pick someone else! Anyway…the other girl didn’t even look at the guys she kissed she just grabbed them and kissed them. Not only was I the only one to get kissed right at midnight, but he was hot and we didn’t just kiss for a minute, we danced for a good hour or so and made out half of the time. Yeah, I realize that was a pretty slutty thing to do, but I don’t really care. Sometimes I do slutty things. You’re jealous.

I never did get NYMM’s name. After a while he grabbed me and we kissed again and he said, “You’ve worn me out!” I laughed and wished him a happy new year and then he went off on his way. I’ve thought a few times that I should have gotten his name and number, but I think that would take away from the spontaneity of the encounter. I needed to get out and do something crazy, so I did. I have no regrets.

Happy New Year, dear followers!