I Might Have A Problem

I'm starting to realize something about myself, but I'm not exactly sure what it means. I might have a fear of commitment. It's not something that exists all the time, but just some of the time. When I was seeing Kirk I had no problem with commitment. I was all about the commitment, but he wasn't. There was something keeping him from being able to fully commit to me and it wreaked havoc on every aspect of my life. Now I'm getting involved with Landon and I can't fully commit myself to a relationship with him.

I've written about how you can't force a spark and the way in which giddiness factors into liking someone. With Landon I felt like the conversation flowed really well on our first date. He was interested to learn about me and I was interested to learn about him. There was a mutual spark. But the moment we got into the hot tub at the tail end of that first date, that spark died for me. Landon went from being this charming guy who wanted to get to know me to just another guy who wanted to suck face. And I obliged. Yeah, I know...my fault!

Landon came over yesterday and I kept my distance. He wanted to snuggle and watch What Not To Wear with me. I took a moment and said, "Hey Landon, I think we need to tone it down. I didn't plan on kissing you and I want to make sure we take time to get to know each other. So let's take a step back and get to know each other, okay?" He was all for it, but he made no effort to get to know me and he was a little stiff in my attempt to get to know him. Fifteen minutes later we were making out.

I don't know what is going on with me. Here is this great guy who is really into me and I keep finding things to stop me from getting into a relationship. I don't want to build a reputation in Provo as making out with everyone but not dating anyone, yet that seems to be what I'm doing. 

This whole situation is kind of getting me down, even though I know it shouldn't be getting to me like this.

Why can't I just like a nice guy who likes me? Wouldn't that be nice?