Tuesday and the big 180

I woke up on Tuesday morning knowing exactly what was going to happen that day.

I'm not sure if I had some sort of wild dream the night before that sparked this, but here was the plan that was hatched in the cold, wee hours of Tuesday morning:  While on campus, I was going to casually drop by Kirk's study area, request an audience with him (more like demand he come with him), get him in a deserted hallway and then kiss the heck out of him.  I was going to kiss him SO good he would forget how to breathe, think, speak.  It was going to be hot.  I was going to hold him close, our cheeks touching, put my lips against his ear and tell him I wasn't going to wait anymore.  This whole "let's not date right now" thing isn't jiving with me in the least bit.  I'm so done waiting so let's not wait anymore.

I chickened out before I got there.  I was on my way across campus, bundled up in the cutest warm clothes I could rummage up, and I froze, both literally and figuratively.  I was freezing cold and suddenly paralyzed by the thought of going to push myself on this guy who's been telling me one thing, but failing to make his actions match his words.  As much as I want to be with Kirk, I have to have a shred of dignity left in me, enough to try and wait for him to come and show me that that hug goodbye that we shared was a hint towards the future.

I turned around and went home.  When I got home, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and deleted Kirk's number.  I unfollowed him on instagram.

You guys.  I haven't texted Kirk in a week.  But he hasn't texted me in a week.  I never told him that I was going to delete his number, that I was going to really put the ball in his court, I just did it.  He's still doing nothing, sitting oblivious on his side of things.

It hurts.  I miss him, even the little we did get to talk and see each other.

I suppose I have no choice now but to keep on living, beginning down the road of forgetting.

So long, Kirk.  You could have been great.  

What Happens In My Head

I get into these moments when I am so in my head I feel consumed by the things I'm thinking about.  If it's exciting, I feel euphoric, like I'm living in dream that couldn't possibly be real because things feel so perfect.  If it's sad, I feel grief rip through my body, I get a knot in my chest, right below my throat and I can't breathe because it's squeezing all the hope I have out.  If it's anger, I want to throw things, drive fast, and scream at the top of my lungs.  In these moments, good or bad, I feel as though I lose all control of what I do.

Lately I've been feeling like this a lot, mostly sadness and anger.  There's more to it than just Kirk, he's not the root of my anxiety and frustration, but he certainly adds to it.  Sometimes his inability to be a stable part of my life is all I need to just send me over the edge, into those moments of no control that I absolutely loathe.

I call myself a feminist.  I take pride in being able to hold my own, not rely on a man to make me happy.  I have supported myself through college and I have a plan for a successful career that I plan to pursue, regardless of whether or not I'm married by the time I graduate.  But finding myself at the mercy of Kirk's actions makes me feel weak and helpless.  It's kind of embarrassing that I, Leslie, am able to face all the horrors of life, yet this situation with Kirk is shaking me to the core.  I want to lean on him, I want him to be a man and step it up.  I'm feeling like a freaking damsel in distress, yet this hero is being a little bit wishy-washy.  I DON'T know how to handle this.

I need to keep a lid on it.  I need to find a way to cool my jets and allow what happens in my head to just pass without making me completely lose it.

This weekend Kirk came over for a little while and we watched a movie together.  I really wanted to snuggle up to him, but I restrained myself and kept my hands to myself.  However, when he left, we hugged goodbye in the doorway.  There was a moment during the hug when I went to let go and Kirk squeezed me tighter.  It was a long hug.  It was a lingering hug.  It was the kind of thing that made me think, "Maybe what I said during lunch the other day is sinking in.  Maybe he's really thinking about ending this break."  Then he didn't text me for two days and I have no idea what's going on again.  I think I just want something to happen now yet Kirk is a slow mover.

There was something in that hug that revived that spark of hope I have.  It's calmed the monster raging in my head and in my heart.

For now, I wait.  But not forever.

We're Human

For those of you who follow my Twitter you may already know that on Sunday I said it was Kirk's make it or break it day.  I had previously made plans to spend the afternoon with him that day per his request, but he stood me up, without even a text or a phone call to explain his behavior.  I've struggled with communication with Kirk before, but this kind of was the last straw.


I tried desperately to get him to talk to me, to tell me whether or not he was going to bail on our plans.  I tried texting, I tried calling.  To put it plainly, I was flat out obnoxious in trying to get a hold of him, all with no avail.  Sunday came and went with not so much as a peep from Kirk.  I was furious.  I was ready to hunt him down and yell at him.  I had a speech prepared in my head, I had a thing or two I wanted to say.  That is not the way you treat someone you care about.  That's not the way to treat anyone period!  Regardless of whether or not Kirk and I are dating, I should at the very least merit a text saying, "Hey Leslie, I'm really sorry I can't make it tonight.  We'll reschedule soon, okay?"  It takes all of what, thirteen seconds, to send a text like that?  Yeah, I'm sure Kirk has time enough in his hectic, busy schedule to send me a brief explanation.  But he didn't.

Of course by the end of the night on Sunday I felt a bit remorseful for having bombarded him with texts and phone calls, so I sent him a huge text apologizing for being crazy.  I felt a little bit in the wrong, which let's face it, I kind of was.  I can't justify my actions completely by saying Kirk's inability to communicate makes me crazy.  It makes me crazy, but I also lack the ability to control myself.  I felt bad for letting the crazy take control.  Sometimes I just can't help it!  Crazy is ingrained in me, I can't always control the crazy.  It's a curse.

I didn't hear from Kirk until Monday morning, when he sent me a lengthy apology, explaining he was super busy the previous day and he felt really bad for ditching me.  While I appreciated the apology, he still didn't own up to not telling me what was going on that day.  Being busy isn't a excuse for not canceling our plans.
On Wednesday we got together for lunch.  By that time all the heat I felt on Sunday had completely depleted, so Kirk didn't get the big blow up I had envisioned in my mind.  Instead it was really pleasant.  I really enjoyed  being around him, laughing about funny things our roommates do and sharing homework horror stories.  I think I've mentioned this before, but Kirk has a way of making everything bad go away.  As soon as I'm looking in his beautiful blue eyes, I lose all sense of angst and irritation that I used to feel and I'm okay with everything.  It's awful because I can't ever articulate properly how sad I feel sometimes.  It's great because I finally feel alright and things are well in the world.  When I'm with Kirk, it's amazing.

I apologized to him for being crazy, but told him I need a little action from him.  I need him to not ignore me.  I need him to communicate.  He doesn't think I'm crazy (which I think is a bold faced lie.  How can anyone not think I've got a few screws loose when I freak out the way I do?) and he feels bad about the way he acts.  He says he still wants to date me, it's something he still sees happening in the future.  I told him I don't want to wait anymore.  I want to date him now.  If he doesn't want to date now, he needs to let me know.  If he's waiting for school to slow down to date around and get that experience out of the way, I'm going to be waiting all semester.  He needs to make a decision now.  

I don't want to give up on Kirk.  I don't want to lose all the hope and happiness he brings to my life.  True, I feel distraught when things aren't going well and he falls short in the communication department, but when things are good, they are so good.  He's human, he's flawed.  I'm human, I'm flawed.  Maybe we can work this out, his flakiness and my craziness.  Maybe.  

I hope so.

Conference Weekend

I promise I'm not dead.

This weekend I went to Utah to spend Conference with my brother and his wife.  It was a great weekend and it was especially great to escape Rexburg for a few days.  Conference was so good.  I came back on such a spiritual high.  I'm sure if the announcement about the age change for sister missionaries had come a couple years ago, I wouldn't have hesitated to turn in my papers.  Now that I'm beyond the former missionary age for sisters, it doesn't seem to be the thing for me.  When I turned 21 I thought and prayed about a mission and the answer came back clear to me: "A mission would be beneficial, but so would going to school and getting an education.  Make a choice."  I made a choice, I chose school.  I don't regret it.

The K situation, as Sammie has been lovingly calling things with Kirk, is still at a standstill.  Some days I feel confident for our future, other days I feel anxious and impatient, unable to see any good in taking a break.  Something I have noticed, however, is that I'm not developing any of those mini crushes I seem to form every semester.  You know what I'm talking about, the little glimmer of hope you feel when you see a cute guy in your class and suddenly you're looking for him every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday as you take your seat.  The guy in your FHE group that makes you smile a lot and you always seem to be sitting by.  I usually have a few of these every semester, but this semester I'm not finding anyone attractive.  It's not that I'm not looking, I can pick out the cute guys in my ward and my classes, but I'm not feeling that spark of, "Maybe one day, in my dreams!"  Everything feels...platonic and flat.

Maybe what I'm feeling is love for Kirk.  Maybe this break is essential for him to get over his commitment issues.  Maybe this is a time when I learn to love so I can later fall in love with someone else.  I don't know what the purpose of this time is, but I do know that it will all work out.  It's hard to see the big picture, but the Lord knows how it will be in the end, so I just have to trust him and know it will work out.