You know, despite having my meanderings out of my comfort zone with Aaron being utterly destroyed, I have to admit that I feel as though my self confidence has been rejuvenated. This weekend I've walked a little taller, smiled at more boys, and felt prettier. It's some weird psychological mindset that I had to get into and asking Aaron out was the trigger.
I've also been listening to things said in stake conference, general conference, and devotionals. The reoccurring theme is "Stop living in anticipation of things to come, live in the now." It's such a revelation to me, I'm a little baffled. I think I was living with this great anticipation that one day, out of the blue, Mr. Right was going to waltz out of the crowd and then we'd start down the road towards our happily ever after. Now I know that's not how it's supposed to work. I'm not supposed to constantly be on edge, waiting for that moment when my life will begin. I'm forgetting that I'm alive now, that I have things going for me.
It's a great feeling, having this sudden boost in self confidence. I can't quite get over it.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
THAT Girl
There's a reason I don't want to be that girl. The kind of girl that pounces every boy she meets, who manages to sit next to whomever might be the hottest guy at a gathering, who practically forces her number on the male population, who struts up to a fellow after class and asks him out on a date. I don't want to be that girl and here's why:
It's been my experience that guys want to work for a girl. It's some weird testosterone thing that I don't quite understand, but I think it has something to do with conquering and feeling like a successful hunter. There's a period in a relationship where things hinge between friendship and something bigger, flirtations tossed about with a gigantic question mark floating around. The girl acts coy and reclusive, which allows for the boy to pry and pursue, with the intent of winning her over, causing her to open up and become his.
When a girl takes a more modern approach to dating, she often times finds herself either a) dating a pansy of a guy who allows her to bully the whole 'relationship' into whatever she wants, leaving her dissatisfied with the manliness of her partner. b) going on dates with guys who are reluctant, if not repulsed, by her forward attitude. Or c) someone who's just not into her, but lets her make the moves up until something like hand holding happens...and gets awkward. Basically, the 'modern', 'feminist' ways of women taking the lead don't usually end up working.
What's with girls making the moves anyway? Isn't is emasculating for a guy to have a girl ask him out or take his hand? If you're into a girl, you grow a pair and ask her out, right? I sure hope so.
That girl isn't someone I want to be. I want to have confidence, but I don't want to be overbearing and a man-chaser. I want guys to think I'm happy and pretty and awesome, but I don't want to flaunt it like today's headlines. I don't want to be the girl that asks guys on dates. I don't want to be the move maker. I want to be a risk taker, but not those kinds.
Operation ask Aaron for his number blew up in my face. I don't want to go into any more depth than that. I feel humiliated and the small glimpse of confidence (oh man, did I used to be confident...) is gone. It's like it was a sign that I'm not supposed to be that girl, even in the slightest.
One more attempt at love failed. That means I'm that much closer to success.
It's been my experience that guys want to work for a girl. It's some weird testosterone thing that I don't quite understand, but I think it has something to do with conquering and feeling like a successful hunter. There's a period in a relationship where things hinge between friendship and something bigger, flirtations tossed about with a gigantic question mark floating around. The girl acts coy and reclusive, which allows for the boy to pry and pursue, with the intent of winning her over, causing her to open up and become his.
When a girl takes a more modern approach to dating, she often times finds herself either a) dating a pansy of a guy who allows her to bully the whole 'relationship' into whatever she wants, leaving her dissatisfied with the manliness of her partner. b) going on dates with guys who are reluctant, if not repulsed, by her forward attitude. Or c) someone who's just not into her, but lets her make the moves up until something like hand holding happens...and gets awkward. Basically, the 'modern', 'feminist' ways of women taking the lead don't usually end up working.
What's with girls making the moves anyway? Isn't is emasculating for a guy to have a girl ask him out or take his hand? If you're into a girl, you grow a pair and ask her out, right? I sure hope so.
That girl isn't someone I want to be. I want to have confidence, but I don't want to be overbearing and a man-chaser. I want guys to think I'm happy and pretty and awesome, but I don't want to flaunt it like today's headlines. I don't want to be the girl that asks guys on dates. I don't want to be the move maker. I want to be a risk taker, but not those kinds.
Operation ask Aaron for his number blew up in my face. I don't want to go into any more depth than that. I feel humiliated and the small glimpse of confidence (oh man, did I used to be confident...) is gone. It's like it was a sign that I'm not supposed to be that girl, even in the slightest.
One more attempt at love failed. That means I'm that much closer to success.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Today was the day I was going to give Aaron my number and leave the ball in his court. Unfortunately, he didn't show for class. I was all ready, I'd given myself a pep talk beforehand, and he didn't show. Just my luck. Is this a sign that I ought to just give up? Maybe.
The only other guy I'm remotely interested in is always surrounded by swarms of girls and my roommate had no problem throwing herself at him over the weekend. Blah, frustration.
The only other guy I'm remotely interested in is always surrounded by swarms of girls and my roommate had no problem throwing herself at him over the weekend. Blah, frustration.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Are you diggin' on me? Cause I'm diggin' on you
There's a guy in one of my classes that I'm completely diggin' on. His name is Aaron. We sit by each other and we joke and flirt practically the whole lesson. I find this kid incredibly attractive, in a sort of dorky way. I dig dorky guys. And I like the sweaters he wears. I really want to spend time with him outside of class, but that requires exchanging number and getting him to ask me to do something.
I've made the decision this semester that I don't want to be the one to ask for someone's number. I don't want to be that kind of girl. It's just so hard at BYU-Idaho, where there's a plethora of girls who have no problem being that girl! I was with a friend last night and he said, "Girls asking boys on dates? Yeah, that's weird." I'm terrified of meeting someone I really want to get to know, not being patient, then screw everything up by being too forward.
So here's the deal with Aaron. I called up Aiden and asked him his advice on how to get Aaron to ask for my number. Aiden said I need to come up with some sort of activity, but one without a set date. I'm supposed to invite him to the activity and hopefully he'll offer up his number or ask for mine. I'm not convinced it's going to work, but I'm think I'm going to try it. It's a round-about way of getting the kid's number without being one of those pushy, forward girls.
I've made the decision this semester that I don't want to be the one to ask for someone's number. I don't want to be that kind of girl. It's just so hard at BYU-Idaho, where there's a plethora of girls who have no problem being that girl! I was with a friend last night and he said, "Girls asking boys on dates? Yeah, that's weird." I'm terrified of meeting someone I really want to get to know, not being patient, then screw everything up by being too forward.
So here's the deal with Aaron. I called up Aiden and asked him his advice on how to get Aaron to ask for my number. Aiden said I need to come up with some sort of activity, but one without a set date. I'm supposed to invite him to the activity and hopefully he'll offer up his number or ask for mine. I'm not convinced it's going to work, but I'm think I'm going to try it. It's a round-about way of getting the kid's number without being one of those pushy, forward girls.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
My heart aches
You know what makes me so sad? When I see good friends of mine settle for guys who can't take them to them temple. Girls that I love and cherish and I know have a testimony but yet they fall in love with the wrong guy and decide that "Maybe someday" is good enough for them.
One of my very dear friends left school, got pregnant with her first boyfriend (non-member, several years older than her), and is now married to him. She commented on a picture of a temple that if they ever get sealed, she wants it to be in that particular temple. I think my heart broke open and poured out to her. How sad is that? I hope that "If we ever get sealed" isn't something I ever utter about my husband. The things that happen in the temple are so sacred and so vital, I can't imagine giving that up. My heart just aches and aches for my dear friend. She won't receive the blessing of the temple, she won't inherit eternal life or have eternal increase with her husband, whom she loves. That BREAKS MY HEART.
All while I was growing up my mother always told me, "Date within the church. Don't date non-members. Want to know why, Leslie? Because you never know who you're going to fall in love with." I almost got engaged to a guy who was inactive but was telling me he was reading the scriptures and going to church. He was really out drinking and getting tattoos (it was a long distance thing...) It's a scary thing, love. You really don't know who you're going to fall in love with, so dating members who have a testimony and can go to the temple with you is the insurance that you will end up with an eternal marriage.
I feel so sad for those couples who, for whatever reason, miss out on eternal life with their spouse. Because really, who wants a 'til death do you part' marriage when you can have a 'for time and all eternity' marriage sealed by the power of the priesthood?
I won't settle.
One of my very dear friends left school, got pregnant with her first boyfriend (non-member, several years older than her), and is now married to him. She commented on a picture of a temple that if they ever get sealed, she wants it to be in that particular temple. I think my heart broke open and poured out to her. How sad is that? I hope that "If we ever get sealed" isn't something I ever utter about my husband. The things that happen in the temple are so sacred and so vital, I can't imagine giving that up. My heart just aches and aches for my dear friend. She won't receive the blessing of the temple, she won't inherit eternal life or have eternal increase with her husband, whom she loves. That BREAKS MY HEART.
All while I was growing up my mother always told me, "Date within the church. Don't date non-members. Want to know why, Leslie? Because you never know who you're going to fall in love with." I almost got engaged to a guy who was inactive but was telling me he was reading the scriptures and going to church. He was really out drinking and getting tattoos (it was a long distance thing...) It's a scary thing, love. You really don't know who you're going to fall in love with, so dating members who have a testimony and can go to the temple with you is the insurance that you will end up with an eternal marriage.
I feel so sad for those couples who, for whatever reason, miss out on eternal life with their spouse. Because really, who wants a 'til death do you part' marriage when you can have a 'for time and all eternity' marriage sealed by the power of the priesthood?
I won't settle.
Do you Devo?
If you weren't at devotional today, you missed out on Sister Dalton peeling an Idaho potato at the pulpit and telling the girls to stop hanging out. The overall message of her talk was lovely, I greatly enjoyed it. The bit about dating was hilarious.
I feel as though when those boys call me up to watch a scary movie tonight, I need to tell them, "Sorry, I'm busy tonight."
I feel as though when those boys call me up to watch a scary movie tonight, I need to tell them, "Sorry, I'm busy tonight."
Friday, October 7, 2011
Bored in Rexburg
Big events of the first four weeks of school:
- Aced my first test
- Aced my first essay (take that, APA!)
- Survived the snow
- Creeped on by the Rexburg halloween creepers...twice!
- Molested at the Vivint dance party
- Ripped my favorite jeans
- Went to Utah for Conference and it was SO good
It's obvious, nothing romantic is going on in my life. I see more guys than anyone else in my apartment and still, nothing is happening. EFF MY LIFE. That's what I get for not playing the aggressive card. Booorriiinngg!
I've noticed lately that more guys are opening the door for me and smiling when I walk by in the hall. Either I'm suddenly the biggest hottie on campus or men are leaving their douchey ways behind in favor of being the nice guy. I dig it. Nice guys are nice. I'm sure they don't know that a smile in the hall brightens my day, but it does.
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