Yet Another Date

Before my date with Chad last weekend I nearly had a huge freak out. I tried on probably twelve different outfits before settling on a chic blouse, cute cardigan, and skinny jeans. I like to dress it up a little for first dates. BUT SERIOUSLY. I was ready for the date a couple hours in advance. I sat on my couch thinking of all the reasons why Chad could decide he didn't like me, like maybe my hair color is too loud? Maybe I'm too chubby? Maybe we wouldn't have anything to talk about? The possibilities are endless! I was freaking out. My stomach was churning and my heart was racing. Ugh. Dating is the worst.

Chad showed up ten minutes early looking freaking adorable in jeans and a blue and white stripped button up with his hair slightly reminiscent of missionary hair. He's taller than I thought. His voice is deeper. His eyes are bluer. He's definitely awkward, but not in a terrible way.

We started the night with bowling. Now, I'm a fairly good bowler but I haven't been in a long time. My competitive side wanted to do really well, but at the beginning of our first game I accidentally pulled a muscle in the top of my thigh. Sounds strange, right? No, I looked it up and it's a legit bowling injury. It was a bit rough, but I managed to almost beat him in the second game. If it hadn't been for the miraculous turkey he bowled in the last three frames, I would have won. Next time!

We went to get Indian food after bowling and Chad had a really hard time deciding which Indian restaurant to go to. He seems to be a bit indecisive. It'll take a little bit for me to learn how to not deflect options and make some decisions. When we finally did get to a restaurant, it ended up being really nice. We talked about our families and life and ambitions. He even told me that his middle name is my father's name, after my dad. Apparently his parents admire my dad so much that they named Chad after him, which I find pretty endearing. No wonder when I told my dad I was going on a date with Chad he said, "I hope you marry him. But no pressure." Haha, thanks Dad.

We finished dinner by splitting a dish of mango ice cream together. I thought that would be the end of the date, but Chad said, "Well, what do you want to do next?" We went back to my apartment to watch a movie. When he perused my selection of movies, I was surprised when he chose my favorite movie (which isn't exactly a completely appropriate movie...Inglorious Basterds). We sat next to each other during the movie, but we didn't really cuddle. I mean, my leg rested against him the whole time and that was about as close as we got to cuddling. Also, my cat bit the shiz out of his hand.

At the end of the night Chad gave me a big, lingering hug. Part of me really wanted to stand on my tip toes and kiss him, but I'm trying to be a really good girl and I don't want to ruin anything by premature. Instead I just hugged him back, tightly. When he walked out my front door, I stood in the doorway and he told me he had a really good time and he looked forward to seeing me at Thanksgiving, when I'm going to his parent's house for pie.

It wasn't a total disaster and I managed to get through the date without losing my cool. I can do this dating thing.  I hope there's a second date with Chad in the future.

Back to the Grindstone

I have my first date since Braden and I broke up. This Saturday, a month to the day. Is it weird that I feel like I'm starting back at square one? I'm nervous and unsettled and I feel like I won't have anything to share about myself. 

Shiz, I don't know how to be vulnerable anymore! Braden made me second guess everything about the way I approach dating. Inside I know how to do this, I've done it plenty of times and, quite honestly, I'm a effing charming woman. 

The guy I'm going out with is the son of one of my dad's law school friends from way back in the day. Over the summer, shortly before I met Braden, Chad looked me up on Facebook. I was confused as to why this handsome young mormon guy was adding me as a friend when I had no idea who he was. He cleared it up, though, and explained to me that his dad had told him about me and he decided track me down so we could get to know each other. Kind of weird, but also kind of sweet.

Chad tried on numerous occasions to strike up a conversation and ask me out, but I was so wrapped up in getting to know Braden that I hardly even took notice of him. He finally asked me to lunch with him, but Braden and I were already official and I had to turn him down (which was weird since we're friends on Facebook so he should have seen my relationship status when I updated it) and I felt bad because he's a really nice guy. 

A couple weeks after Braden and I broke up, I got a message from Chad asking how I was doing. When he found out that Braden and I broke up, he decided to keep the conversation going. We eventually exchanged numbers and decided that the next time he was in town (he goes to BYUI) we would go on a date. That time has arrived, seeing as we have a date arranged this weekend.

I'm really nervous, but I think it could be fun. Chad is a pretty sweet, albeit a little awkward, guy. It won't hurt to give him a chance.

Wish me luck!

The Truth About Loneliness

The Truth About Loneliness

I've had a lot of thoughts these past few weeks, especially in relation to Braden and his impact on my life and my spiritual situation. I've been trying to put my finger on something that I know is significant, but I haven't been able to figure out what it is. Today I was sitting in sacrament meeting during the passing of the sacrament and I was praying. I was praying to God and thanking him for everything I could think of, for the kindness of my bishop, for the atonement of Christ, and for His love that I've been feeling more abundantly now than I have since moving to Provo. During this prayer it hit me; I finally knew what it was that I had been trying to figure out. 

I now know why I was so infatuated with Braden and why I was so blind to the severity of my situation and to all the red flags. I've been lonely ever since I moved to Utah. Because of this loneliness, I've been depressed. I've been longing for friendship and the intimacy that comes with having people know you, but I spent my whole first year here looking in the wrong place for someone to fill that void.

When I first moved to Provo, as you know, I ended up kissing a LOT of guys. I formed these superficial, lustful relationships that ended up being fleeting. They momentarily filled the need I have to be close to people and left me feeling worse than before after they ended. This made me desperate. I searched harder to find someone to eliminate my loneliness, which drove me to act in ways that I know I shouldn't have. 

Braden came into my life right after I had moved to my very own apartment, sans roommates. I was working two jobs, which included working on Sundays. I wasn't as involved in my ward as I wanted to be and I justified not going with being too busy. Then this handsome, fun, kind young man came into my life and he made me feel needed. He called me every day and wanted to talk to me about his life and rely on my advice in times of trial. He slipped so quickly and easily into that void I had that I didn't even notice how poisonous his presence was for my spirit. His sweet words and comforting kiss masked the darkness he brought with him.

As our relationship progressed, I felt consumed with it. It became my life and I threw myself into it completely, without abandon. Braden needed fixing and caring for and I needed someone to care for and fix. I felt as though he gave me purpose and he was ridding me of the heavy feeling of being alone. But the cure for loneliness isn't to attach yourself to the first person who comes into your life. 

I know I saw red flags. I wanted to make other friends in order to feel more fulfilled, but Braden didn't like that. He didn't like when I chose to spend time with my one good girlfriend in Utah. He guilt tripped me when I voiced concern about our physical relationship. He made me feel as though my opinion didn't matter and that I was in the wrong for thinking it did. 

I refused to accept that things weren't the way I wanted them to be! I was stubborn and convinced myself that it was better to pretend to be happy with Braden than it was to be alone. I had spent so much time being depressed and miserable while being alone that I was settling for a relationship that was ruining me. 

Ever since Braden and I broke up and I started working with my bishop to get back where I need to be, I've had my eyes opened. Loneliness is a powerful tool of Satan. He uses it as a door to sneak in undetected. He will break you down with it. But it doesn't have to be that way! Loneliness isn't something you HAVE to be afflicted with, especially within the church. If you're lonely, get out there and make friends! Don't expect friends to come find you, because nothing in life happens if you're passive. 

Make things happen. Get out of your lonely hole and find happiness. Don't become complacent with being lonely and let it drive you to self destructive behavior. 

The truth about loneliness is this: you are in control. You can change your situation. Don't settle for loneliness, DEMAND happiness!