Waxing Spiritual

Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting older or maybe it's just the giant spike my spiritual life has taken over the past six months, but I feel like I need to post something a bit spiritual.

When I was in high school there was a combined young men/young women lesson one Sunday that my Dad, who was the bishop at the time, gave on bearing your testimony. He said something that's stuck with me. He said that bearing a testimony is meant for bearing truth, for telling people what you know to be true. What if you don't know it? You tell people what you believe to be true. What if you don't really know if you believe it's true? You tell people what you hope to be true. I can't pinpoint what it is about this know, believe, hope thing, but it's something that constantly comes back into my mind when I think about where I stand with the Church.

I've had a testimony of the Gospel for several years. I've felt love from my Heavenly Father, I've been to the temple and felt undeniable feelings of truth, I've cried while praying. I have a testimony of the Church. But it wasn't until about the past six months when I've had these huge spititual experiences, most of them linked with the hardest trials I've been through, when I realized the value of having a testimony and the value of understand your worth in the sight of God. I understand how sometimes the Lord allows us to stumble through darkness, to be cut to the core with pain, to date people who aren't right for us. In the moment things suck big time, you feel alone, abandoned, searching for something that doesn't seem to be there for you, heart aching with every breath, but in hindsight you see how the Lord was there all along, hands outstretched, catching you when you fell.

I used to not be the kind of girl who would talk about God and personal spiritual experiences unless it was to make a comment in Sunday school. I can't help it now. I talk to my dad, to Sammie, to Bethany, to whoever will listen. I have this desire to share the hope, the belief, the knowledge that I've been blessed with. Not to the point that it's annoying, but just so other people feel our Father's love.

I know God has a plan for me. I don't fear the future, I don't fear turning 24 and not having a husband or even a boyfriend. I know I'm doing what the Lord wants me to be doing. He knows me. He knows you. He's there, waiting for you to turn to him. Take heart, friends. We are not alone. We are loved.

The Good Around Me

At the beginning of the month, right around the time I ran into Kirk, I met someone. It was a brief meeting, he's a friend of a friend. On my way through the library with a friend we ran into the guy she's been sort of dating and his friend. We stopped and chatted briefly then went on our way. A few days later I got a text from a random number saying it was the friend of the guy. I'll be honest, I didn't remember who he was. Our meeting was so very brief that he hadn't crossed my mind, especially because all my thoughts were consumed with Kirk and what second chances could mean.

His name is Cameron and he is a mega flirt. Not only does he text me ALL the time, he's constantly flirting. I got kind of annoyed with him because I had major tunnel vision going on with Kirk and I think I was a little rude.  You know how sometimes when you talk to someone and you're asking question after question after question and all you're getting are really brief, to-the-point answers you kind of get the picture? I was the one answering the questions. Eventually I got so fed up with fending off his blatant flirting that I told him I was thinking about giving my ex a second chance. You'd think that would be enough to deter a fellow, but not Cameron. He stopped texting me for a weekend and then came back swinging on Tuesday with, "You didn't forget about me, did you? ;)"

At first I felt that pang of annoyance. "This guy again? Doesn't he know when enough is enough? We study in the same place yet he hasn't had the balls to come talk to me in person yet. Give it up, champ!" But then my heart softened. Cameron is a guy I hadn't spoken to face to face other than a brief introduction and I was doing my hardest to deter his advances. Freaking Kirk was in my head, makin me turned off to the idea of anyone else. It was pathetic. So I started being nice, encouraging conversation. This past week we've spent about an hour studying side by side in the library. Albeit a bit awkward, considering my coldness and his outright flirting. Here's a guy who wants to take me to nice restaurants in Idaho Falls. He wants to get out of the apartment and do things.

I'm not saying I'm going to date Cameron, I'm not sure that I'm attracted to him like that, I'm just saying that I've been acting like a B. I've been so wrapped up in something clearly bad for me (sorry for ignoring your advice. I'm stupid and ignorant) that I haven't noticed the other things have been happening. There are good things going for me and I've been too busy shutting them out.

Open your eyes, Leslie. You're too selfish. Get out of your head and look around. Give people chances, show more love, be more exciting. You've got this.

My Jam

I never liked this song until I heard it on Glee (I'm pretty anti-Rhianna. Have you heard her S&M song? I never liked her before that song, but then I really started to loathe her) and with the situation with Kirk being what it is, it's even more fun to belt out now. Enjoy!

His Hand

I still haven't heard from Kirk. I'm curious, I find myself wondering occasionally if he's going to come around and text me, but for the most part I don't think about him. For the most part, I've been happier this week than I have since Kirk kissed me. The week between kissing him and deciding to let him go was crucial.

I'm okay. I'm better off. Whoever it was who left the comment saying Kirk doesn't deserve me, thank you. You affirmed what I've been feeling. I deserve so much more than a mediocre relationship, and that's all Kirk is capable of providing because his own insecurities and worries hold him back. If I can't be important enough to pay attention to, there's no point in staying with him. I won't go back, no matter how appealing he may seem if he finally comes around and apologizes and asks for another shot.

I can't describe to you the love I have felt this week from my Heavenly Father. He knows me. He knows what I deserve. He knows what I can handle and what I can't. There are certain moments in my life that will stand out as being ones where I felt His unconditional love and this week was one of them. I've had many conversations with friends this week about the way The Lord helps you through trials an how He expresses His love. I am in awe at the revelation of His hand reaching down to lift me up and the way the Spirit encourages me.

Gospel is true, guys.

Happy Sabbath!

A bunch of ish

When you're into someone, all you want to do is talk to them, see them, kiss them, hug them, talk to them. You do crazy things like staying up until 4am to text them, make an effort to see them at any time possible. You blow off that 5 page paper you have due the next day until 12AM because you want to spend as much time as you can. That's what you do when someone is on your mind and you can't get it off them. 

Kirk doesn't do this. For a week or so he put forth an effort, he texted me all the time, he sent me flirty pictures, he tried to see me. And then he didn't. He stopped responding to texts, he became virtually unreachable. For the weekend while he was gone I allowed it, I justified that he was busy with family. He came back and told me the next day that it had been a rough weekend, which I understand. He's got some big things happening in his family that I can sympathize with. However, I have things happening, too.

On Monday night my Dad called me and told me he's considering getting remarried (long story) and it's to someone completely unexpected. I'm not sure how to take the news, I'm confused, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm overwhelmed with all these different feelings. Kirk's been through a similar situation while he was a teenager and I went to him for advice. However, I requested that we speak in person. I don't want to talk about serious things over text. Texting is a handicap and I just DON'T want to talk about this over text. Understandable, right? 

Apparently not for Kirk. "What's up?" He asked me. "I don't want to talk about it over text. Can we talk after your class tonight?"  No response. The next morning I tried to start a conversation, no response. That night I asked him what was wrong. No reponse.  

You know what? I'm not going to do this again. I'm not going to sit around being miserable while waiting for Kirk to take his sweet time being 'busy' and 'stressed' and 'confused'. That's not how someone who wants a second chance acts. That's not something I'm going to put up with. I deleted his number, I cried a little (honestly, I'm so tired of being so emotional and crying all the time), I read my patriarchal blessing, and I prayed really, really hard. And then I felt better. I've been in a great mood all day today and I feel spectacular.

Tangent: Why I hate PMS

I first heard this song when I was probably 13. My Dad put this song on a mix he made for Mom (he's a funny man). It's pretty funny when you hear it, you chuckle and agree with it. But when it comes down to it, PMS really sucks. Like, really sucks. I can't even describe to you the rollercoaster I go on every month. IT SUCKS. There's always pain involved, I get horrific cramps that keep me up all night and then my back starts hurting so badly that sometimes I feel like I must have an alien in my abdomen, getting ready to burst my spine open.

Even worse that the physical pain are the emotional ups and downs. Some months aren't that bad and I'm able to keep it together, other months I feel completely trashed by the time I'm finished PMSing. My sister likes to tell the story of when I was about 13 and I borrowed some of her bobby pins. "You can use them, Leslie, as long as you put them back when you're done." I burst into tears and blubbered, "All I want to do is use some of your bobb-b-b-y p-p-piinnssss" and then she looked at me like I was crazy.

This weekend has been one of those weekends. Bethany and I walked out of our apartment yesterday to go to Wal-Mart and I almost started weeping because it was so bright and sunny. I don't know why I felt like crying, but all I could do was hold the tears at bay and say, "It's just so bright outside! I can't open my eyes! I can't see anything!" It's like a freaking handicap. I feel handicapped when I have these overloads of emotions. And it's not just sadness or anger. No, yesterday I went from wanting to weep over sunshine to wanting to makeout RIGHT. THEN. Menstration is something that happens when you're not pregnant. It's your uterus' way of saying, "WHY ISN'T THERE A BABY IN ME?!? YOU ARE TWENTY THREE AND YOU AREN'T PREGNANT. YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HAD SEX YET. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!?!? GO HAVE SOME SEX AND PUT A BABY IN MEEEEEEEE!!!!!" It's terrifying. I can't handle this. I feel like I need to punch something, weep, and make out all within the span of about an hour and then I go through the cycle again, except this time I also have to stuff my face with chocolate. Then I take a nap. OH MY GOSH. It's exhausting being a woman.

Keeping my head on straight in times like these seems impossible, but I think I'm doing a decent job. I haven't killed anyone, I haven't freaked out on Kirk, and I haven't gone out and gotten pregnant.

Gold star for me this month!

Taming the Beast

While driving me home earlier this week, Kirk looked over at me and said, "I'm leaving for Utah this weekend." He paused, waiting for my response. He looked as though he was afraid I was going to be mad. I felt a little bit sad, considering it's a long weekend and I was hoping we'd be able to spent some time together, but I tried to no let it show. He has family that lives overseas and they flew to Utah for the weekend for a visit. Kirk is very family oriented and he's talked a lot about these relatives and how he hasn't seen them in years. I'm happy that he's getting to go see them and spend time, but I'm a little jealous.

Kirk left town on Valentine's Day. Since we're not a couple, no romantic gesture was made on either part. We haven't really talked at all since that night earlier this week. At first is freaked me out and I felt panic creep back into my mind. "What if he's over this? What if he really doesn't want a second chance? What if he leaves and we never talk again? I'm going to fall apart. I'm going to lose it again! I'm so stupid!" I allowed this feeling to dictate my actions and I sent him a text telling him, essentially, that I was losing it. A couple hours later (with no text from Kirk) it dawned on me just how stupid I was acting. I apologized and told him to disgregard everything. I told him I was pushing too much, reading into everything, getting in my head. 

I'm ashamed. I don't like that I allow those moments of fear to rule my mind and my actions. No matter what is going on with Kirk and whether or not he really wants something real, I only have control over myself and my actions. Last Fall I allowed my actions to be dictated by the fear and desperation I felt and, ultimately, I think that did more harm than good. The opposite of faith is fear. The two cannot coexist, it's either one or the other. When I sent that text to Kirk, I made room for the fear. I cannot do that.

Faith is what's going to get me through this, whether it's the faith that this is going to work with Kirk or the faith to know that I'm strong enough to come out okay on the other end if this doesn't work out. 

This weekend is a detox weekend. I know I need time to clear my head about what's going on and see the big picture, so I'm sure Kirk needs to do the same. He's with family and, even at the beginning of last Summer when things were really good with us, he has never been communicative when he's with family. He puts his all into his family. It's one of the things I admire most about him. So while the next few days go on and both Kirk and I don't speak to each other, we'll have time to think about things. 

I won't let the fear creep back in.

Progression

I suck at self control. I think one of the only things I can stick to my guns with is my eating routine; no matter how much my roommates ask me to go out and get Taco Bell with them, I only eat out on the weekends. Occasionally I give in, but usually I don't and I feel pretty good about being able to stick with it. Other than that, I'm pretty easy to convince to do things, like procrastinating homework, giving cheesy notes to cute guys, and giving second chances to people who may not deserve it.

Kirk and I have been talking a lot this week and he's been outrageously flirty. It's the flirting that makes it so easy to slip back into what we once were, to reminisce about our better times, to let the harsh reality of our breakup slip to the back of my mind. He's a tricky one. He's got a way with words that makes my head fog up. I'm really trying to remind myself that it started out like  fairytale last time and then it went south with hardly a warning. I've got this structured plan of how things are going to go with the two of us talking about our past issues and what needs to be different this time around. You know what happens to plans, right? They never work out.

Kirk and I finally got together to talk about things and simply be with each other. It started really good, we just talked about our individual plans for the future now that we're both seniors. We laughed a lot. I teased him more than I used to. I felt more comfortable being myself than I used to feel around him. I used to feel like I always had to be impressive, I always had to have something intelligent or amazingly witty to say. It's not like that this time around. Sometimes I get nervous around him still, but it's more so a sense of calm, that it's okay to be myself.

There was a very brief lull in the conversation and all of the sudden Kirk's hands were on my face and he was going into kiss me. There was a split second moment when my head was screaming, "DON'T FORGET YOUR PLAN! MAKE HIM WORK!" but then he was kissing me and it was too late. I gave in. I let Kirk transport me to that place his kiss takes me to, the place where worries don't exist, it's just me and him and this special, intimate moment. Nothing I've said in the past to hype up Kirk's kissing abilities was exaggeration. The dude knows how to kiss a woman. Go ahead and judge me, but you were in my shoes, I can guarantee you would have done the same thing and kissed the crap out of him.

We kissed for a while, not too long. I lay there with my head on his chest and his arms around me and we talked about what we're doing and how it's going to take a lot of work. We both voiced how we're up for the challenge. We didn't get into detail on things we need to talk about and work on, but we did bring up a few things (like his communication skills and our physicality) that we need to address. I asked him to take some time to think about what happened that lead up to and caused our break up and I'd do the same. We'll get together after a few days and we'll talk about it, maybe pin point some trouble places, voice what I need him to do and what he needs me to do. It's a lot of working together to try and find a balance, to find a way to make our lives come together in harmony.

I feel like in past relationships everything has been easy. I'd find myself in these relationships that were without problems, without butting heads, without arguments or disagreements. I know that's ideal and that's what everyone wants, but what happens to progression? Being able to learn how to change, how to sacrifice, how to listen to what someone else is saying are integral parts of a relationship. It keeps things dynamic and interesting, it makes the involved parties strive for something. If two people want to make their lives mesh through marriage, it takes patience, communication, love, service, selflessness. These are all things that can be reaped from this second go with Kirk, he just has to be willing to work hard and I have to keep my head clear and NOT allow myself to fall into old, monotonous habits with him.

There has to be change and he's told me on several occasions how ready he is to step up to the plate.

Ring by Spring or my money back!

Fallout

The bomb was detonated. Kirk's asking for a second chance sent a mushroom cloud of confusion up in my brain. If I were to perpetuate this analogy of a nuclear bomb, I'd go on to say how the result of this request left devastation and destruction for miles, emotionally thrashing me. However, that's not the case. Rather than feeling destroyed, I feel new.

I mentioned that I'm in a different place emotionally than I was at any time last year, before or after Kirk 1.0. I'd go into detail on how this change came about, but it's really not something I want to share on this blog. Let's just say that some things happened at the end of last year that changed my life forever. Some of the repurcussions are good, some are bad, some are heavy as hell. Altogether this life change has made me take a step back and reevaluate myself, my goals in education and a career, my desire to get married. Everything has changed since Kirk and I parted ways last year.

Kirk's asking for a second chance comes as a huge surprise. It's not something that was on my radar, it's not something I'd even fantasized about because I convinced myself this wasn't even a possibility. Kirk and I talking again? Kirk actually asking specifically for a second chance? This is only the kind of thing that happens in the movies. Girls like me don't get guys coming back into their life apologizing for their jerk behavior, asking for a second chance, saying they think it would be worth it. 

As much as I can say this kind of thrills me, I have a heightened sense of caution. For one, this isn't something Kirk has been thinking about. He saw me last week and all of the sudden he thinks a second chance would be worth it. Another thing, how do I know he's changed and is up for the work this would take? How do I know if this really would be worth it? How do I calm the fear I have that this will just end again with myself losing everything? There's so much at risk. 

I've talked with my sister at length. I've talked with Sammie, Bethany, Aiden, and even Isaac about it. If this is something I'm even going to consider, I'm not going to rely on my own judgement to know how to approach this. I need other people to back me up, to talk me down, to help me keep a level head and make Kirk work so hard to prove that he's up for this. 

I'm going to do it. I'm going to give him a second chance, but I'm commiting here and now to keep myself in check. The first time around Kirk and I kissed a lot. He's a really good kisser, we have really good chemistry. This time around I have to not kiss him, at least for awhile. He's got to earn it. I have to have enough respect for myself to say that if this is going to be about something more than just a few good (great) makeouts, he's got to prove it to me. 

I'm scared out of my mind. 

I'm optimistic.

Nuclear BOMB

Tuesday I was walking through the library when I spotted Kirk. I hadn't seen him anywhere this semester, I hadn't even seen his car anywhere, no sign of him whatsoever yet there he was, printing a paper. I paused and walked towards him, stopped and walked back the way I was going probably three times before I actually got up the nerve to approach him.

"Kirk!" I called to catch his attention. He looked up and me and smiled, walking over.
"Leslie! How are you?"
"I'm good. Um, I just wanted to apologize for all of my crazy. I kind of lost it last semester and I know you took the heat and a lot of it was a pretty extreme and wildly inappropriate. I'm sorry."
"Nah, it's all good. I don't think you're crazy at all. I was a huge douche bag. I'm sorry. You look great."

It was about then when the fire raging in my heart calmed and I could breathe easy. We talked about classes, I told him about my new job and he told me about his. Overall it was a fairly brief conversation, not even ten minutes. We hugged goodbye and I walked away feeling less sad than I had the few days previous and more confident that things were right between us. I'm a sucker for fixing hurt feelings, I hate leaving relationships or friendships on bad terms, which was exactly where I left things with Kirk last semester. With some time, however, I feel like all the rage I felt towards his subsided and I just wanted to tell him I was sorry. This moment in the library was my reconciliation with Kirk. I walked away feeling good.

A few hours later I received this text, "I just wanted to let you know that you have nothing to apologize for. I was a total jerk. It was nice to see you today."

Somehow that sparked a conversation...that is still going. Kirk and I have been texting nonstop since I responded to his apology. I don't even know how we went from briefly talking to having this ongoing conversation, but we're talking in a way we haven't talked in a really long time, like before we broke up. I have two voices screaming at me, both of which originate in my head; my heart isn't a part of this, it's under lock and key. One voice is saying, "He deserves a chance to show you he's changed. If he's willing to work hard and prove he wants this, why not? It could be good." And then the other voice is saying, "WTF ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!"

As you can see, I'm conflicted.

I know, I know. A lot of shiz went down down between myself and Kirk and I was left broken hearted and alone. But you know what? I'm okay. I came out on top, having learned more about myself and what I deserve from someone else and what behavior I'll allow myself to do. Emotionally I'm in a completely different place than when Kirk and I started dating and when we broke up. What does that mean for Kirk?

While talking last night we had the following exchange (don't judge me for being a little bit vulnerable):
"What's on your mind?"
"Reminiscing about our beginning. It was really good for a bit."
"Yes, it truly was."
"I really thought we'd get married. I was completely infatuated."
"I was an idiot and I'm sorry."
"There was a lot going on for the both of us. In the end, what needed to happen happened."
"But sometimes I wish it had worked out."
"Me too"
"I'm really sorry."
"It's okay. It was a learning experience. I can honestly say I learned a lot about myself from it, things I wouldn't have learned otherwise."
"Do you believe in second chances?"
"I do, but they take a lot of work."
"That's true"
"Do you?"
"Yes I do"
"It would take a lot of work. And time."
"True but I feel it would be worth it. That's just me though."
"It could be. This si so bizzare. It's like being stuck in a dream state."
"What do you mean?"
"Before yesterday I didn't think we'd ever talk again, yet here we are, talking in a way we haven't talked since long before we broke up."
"It's crazy how things work out"
"We'll just have to see what happens"
"Sounds like a plan"

Kirk wants a second chance. He wants to go from Kirk to Kirk 2.0

To be continued...

Serendipity

There's something spectacular are sharing a moment with someone you don't know. It can happen in the grocery store, walking to class, or even while sitting at a redlight. You glance over and notice he's glancing at the same time. Your eyes lock and it becomes a standoff to see who breaks it first. Sometimes you smile, sometimes your cheeks start burning and your heart starts racing and you have to look away immediately. Whatever the circumstance, it's still a thrilling moment.

I was in the library the other day when I locked eyes with a guy sitting diagonal from me.  It was a standoff moment. I looked at him, he looked at me.  I started cracking a smile at him but then was overtaken by the heat creeping up in my face and I glanced away. I glanced back and he was still staring.  He smirked and mouthed, "Hey!" I'm pretty sure I did a double take yet again because this isn't the kind of thing that happens to me for real.  Sure, things happen to me, but it's usually some sort of misunderstanding or he's starting at the girl next to me or something else.  No, this guy was most definitely staring at me.

This is when I become a bumbling, nervous wreck.  There are times when I can hold my own and present myself as the most confident girl in the world, but other times all of that fails and I can't keep it together.  Before this guy caught my attention, I was in the zone. My productivity level was at an all time high and my homework was getting POUNDED. It was awesome.

But after Mr. Brighteyes fluttered his lashes at me?  Out the window, all of that amazing work ethic was gone.  I started texting Bethany asking her advice.  I have a pretty bad track record with feeling confident and giving out my number.  I don't know why I keep trying and thinking there's going to be a different outcome, but sometimes I feel reckless and like I need to live it up more. Giving out my number is my form of YOLO (which I despise, by the way) and I can't seem to stop doing it.  It's like Sailor Moon: When I was a teenager I didn't really like watching it, but I did anyway.  Only problem with leaving my number with Brighteyes was he wasn't there when I finally got the guts. I had been so absorbed in texting Bethany about what to do about this serendipitous moment that I missed it when he left.

If I see him in the library again, I'll talk to him.  Promise.