All Smiles

This weekend I went on a date.

I didn't know him very well, it's been kind of random the interaction we've had.  We talked in the library, we've exchanged a few texts over the past couple months, I all but forgot he exists.  His name is Kirk, he's from the area I'm from, but I never knew him back home.  I was feeling bored this weekend, as was he, so we decided to get together and spend time together for the first time pretty much ever.  I think I was more nervous for this than my date with Aaron, though I had more to be nervous about with him.  I can't really explain it other than I was excited and nervous and anxious for the date to happen.

When he picked me up, we went to G's Dairy and got ice cream before heading to Smith park to toss the frisbee around and talk a bit.  I've said it before, but there's nothing wrong with going to the park on a date.  I've been to them a lot recently and it's been kind of nice doing something lowkey as a first date rather than something overly planned like dinner, then a movie, then hanging out at someone's apartment, then going on a walk before saying goodnight.  It's great to have a whole day date, fellas, but maybe not until you really know the girl.  First date?  Remember to just KISS.  No, not plant one on her, I mean Keep It Simple, Stupid.  Don't over plan a first date.

Alas, I digress...  Back to Kirk and Smith park.  It was really fun.  We ate our ice cream and talked about our families and our hobbies.  I felt like family came up more than usual and I kept finding myself telling story after story about my parents.  Weird, but kind of nice.  My parents are the bomb, I love them.  It was so easy to laugh and get to know Kirk better.  His questions for me were interesting and things I hadn't ever really thought about.  I found myself telling him things I don't normally bring up on a first date.  Occasionally our hands would brush and I felt a surge of butterflies rip through my stomach.  It was such a perfect day, you have no idea.

After a couple hours he took me home and asked if he could walk me to the door and insisted that he get the car door for me (I love that.  I'm a sucker for a gentleman.)  When we got to my front door he gave me a good, slightly lingering hug, and said, "I had a really good time with you.  I'd like to see you again, maybe this next week.  May I call or text you?"  Of course, Kirk.  You may call on me as much as you like!

Shortly after he left I got a text message from him telling me again that he enjoyed our time together.  Que more butterflies.

Some of you may pause and beg the question, "What about Jake?  What about Aaron?"  I haven't spoken to Aaron in over a week.  He's dropped off the face of the planet.  He reads this blog (or does on occasion) so he should be aware that I don't know what his deal is, what he wants out of this, whether or not he just wanted to make out with someone or if he was genuinely interested in a relationship.  Either way, I'm not going to go out of my way to make something work with someone who doesn't return the favor.  Sorry, Aaron.  You're a good guy, I'm sure you'll find an awesome girl you can't get enough of.

I decided this past week that I'm not going to even lead Jake on a little bit anymore.  He's got too much baggage going on, I don't even want to attempt to deal with that.  He needs more time to get over his divorce, he needs to not cling to the first (okay, second) girl that comes along.  There's a girl out there for him, she's just not me.

I'm not banking on anything happening with Kirk.   I'm interested, though.  He's very...normal.  Interesting, but normal.  I like normal.  It's a good thing.  We'll see!

Despite it all

You know, despite having my meanderings out of my comfort zone with Aaron being utterly destroyed, I have to admit that I feel as though my self confidence has been rejuvenated.  This weekend I've walked a little taller, smiled at more boys, and felt prettier.  It's some weird psychological mindset that I had to get into and asking Aaron out was the trigger.

I've also been listening to things said in stake conference, general conference, and devotionals.  The reoccurring theme is "Stop living in anticipation of things to come, live in the now."  It's such a revelation to me, I'm a little baffled.  I think I was living with this great anticipation that one day, out of the blue, Mr. Right was going to waltz out of the crowd and then we'd start down the road towards our happily ever after.  Now I know that's not how it's supposed to work.  I'm not supposed to constantly be on edge, waiting for that moment when my life will begin.  I'm forgetting that I'm alive now, that I have things going for me.

It's a great feeling, having this sudden boost in self confidence.  I can't quite get over it.

THAT Girl

There's a reason I don't want to be that girl.  The kind of girl that pounces every boy she meets, who manages to sit next to whomever might be the hottest guy at a gathering, who practically forces her number on the male population, who struts up to a fellow after class and asks him out on a date.  I don't want to be that girl and here's why:

It's been my experience that guys want to work for a girl.  It's some weird testosterone thing that I don't quite understand, but I think it has something to do with conquering and feeling like a successful hunter.  There's a period in a relationship where things hinge between friendship and something bigger, flirtations tossed about with a gigantic question mark floating around.  The girl acts coy and reclusive, which allows for the boy to pry and pursue, with the intent of winning her over, causing her to open up and become his.

When a girl takes a more modern approach to dating, she often times finds herself either a) dating a pansy of a guy who allows her to bully the whole 'relationship' into whatever she wants, leaving her dissatisfied with the manliness of her partner.  b) going on dates with guys who are reluctant, if not repulsed, by her forward attitude. Or c) someone who's just not into her, but lets her make the moves up until something like hand holding happens...and gets awkward.   Basically, the 'modern', 'feminist' ways of women taking the lead don't usually end up working.

What's with girls making the moves anyway?  Isn't is emasculating for a guy to have a girl ask him out or take his hand?  If you're into a girl, you grow a pair and ask her out, right?  I sure hope so.

That girl isn't someone I want to be.  I want to have confidence, but I don't want to be overbearing and a man-chaser.  I want guys to think I'm happy and pretty and awesome, but I don't want to flaunt it like today's headlines.  I don't want to be the girl that asks guys on dates.  I don't want to be the move maker.  I want to be a risk taker, but not those kinds.

Operation ask Aaron for his number blew up in my face.  I don't want to go into any more depth than that.  I feel humiliated and the small glimpse of confidence (oh man, did I used to be confident...) is gone.  It's like it was a sign that I'm not supposed to be that girl, even in the slightest.

One more attempt at love failed.  That means I'm that much closer to success.

Today was the day I was going to give Aaron my number and leave the ball in his court.  Unfortunately, he didn't show for class.  I was all ready, I'd given myself a pep talk beforehand, and he didn't show.  Just my luck.  Is this a sign that I ought to just give up?  Maybe.

The only other guy I'm remotely interested in is always surrounded by swarms of girls and my roommate had no problem throwing herself at him over the weekend.  Blah, frustration.

Are you diggin' on me? Cause I'm diggin' on you

There's a guy in one of my classes that I'm completely diggin' on.  His name is Aaron.  We sit by each other and we joke and flirt practically the whole lesson.  I find this kid incredibly attractive, in a sort of dorky way.  I dig dorky guys.  And I like the sweaters he wears.  I really want to spend time with him outside of class, but that requires exchanging number and getting him to ask me to do something.

I've made the decision this semester that I don't want to be the one to ask for someone's number.  I don't want to be that kind of girl.  It's just so hard at BYU-Idaho, where there's a plethora of girls who have no problem being that girl!  I was with a friend last night and he said, "Girls asking boys on dates?  Yeah, that's weird."  I'm terrified of meeting someone I really want to get to know, not being patient, then screw everything up by being too forward.

So here's the deal with Aaron.  I called up Aiden and asked him his advice on how to get Aaron to ask for my number.  Aiden said I need to come up with some sort of activity, but one without a set date.  I'm supposed to invite him to the activity and hopefully he'll offer up his number or ask for mine.  I'm not convinced it's going to work, but I'm think I'm going to try it.  It's a round-about way of getting the kid's number without being one of those pushy, forward girls.