All shook up

I don't know how to feel right now.

Wade says he's been really busy and I believe him, he's given me no reason to not believe him.  But he's also dropped communication way down.  We no longer text all day, I'm lucky if I get more than three texts from him in a day.  I'm on the back burner, I suppose.  It's a weird place to be, since I like talking to him and would look forward to the conversations we would have, and I know he still enjoys talking to me, but it's a little disheartening to have him not showing the enthusiasm he showed before school ended in December.

I have to admit, I kind of got my hopes up pretty high, pretty quickly.  I should know better than to put myself out on the line so quickly, especially when distance is involved.  He just says all the right things to put me at ease, but then doesn't do much to show for it.  I understand that this freaks him out, but at this point, we both know we feel something and wouldn't be opposed to making something real happen, but he's got to get over that fear and actually do something.  I can't be wasting my time any longer.

The waiting and wondering has me so frustrated.  A little sad, too.  I was really hoping something would happen.  I can wait a little longer on him, but not too much.  It's too hard.

Self destructive habits

Last night before going to bed I was poking around on facebook, like everyone else and their grandma does.  One thing led to another and I found myself looking at Tyson's page.  I deleted him months ago, but I still occassionally stalk his only semi-private profile.  He's got a picture of himself and the new girl up as his profile picture.  That's new.   He's grown a beard, despite hating facial hair before his mission.

 

I dreamed that I saw him at institute and he asked for my phone number.  I felt angry and irritated and I was rude to him.  I got up and stormed out of institute, only to return with hopes that I could see and talk to Tyson again.  I looked around for him but realized he was already gone and I missed my opportunity to reconnect with him. 

 

On top of waking up sick this morning, I was in a bad mood.  I felt disgusted with myself for even dreaming regret about not being friends with Tyson.  What's wrong with my subconscious self?  I'm pretty sure there's a loose circut somewhere in there, because I know Tyson is no good.  I know that he's a giant douche bag who doesn't deserve an ounce of my attention, my pity or even my forgiveness.  I want to go back into my dream and slap myself around, yelling, "Pull yourself together!  He broke your heart!  Don't give him the satisfaction of crawling back to you and winning!"  I really need to get over this.  I need to move on.  

 

I'm not sure if I know how yet. 

My heart is on the floor. Why don't you step on it?

Daniel and I snuck away from his birthday party and locked lips for a couple minutes down the street.  It wasn't very long, nothing really happened except some good smooches.  Later he sent me a text telling me he wasn't quite satisfied.  Dan, my friend, neither was I.  I've been running on empty for a good couple of months and the two brief sessions we've had recently weren't enough.  I've been left wanting more.  It's time for a makeout date.  The weather is nice, he and I should go star gazing or something so we can have some alone time.  I hate dry spells...

Last week Tyson rocked me emotionally. I sent him a text several weeks ago saying, "I hate that I don't feel comfortable talking to you."  It was a weak moment that I regret.  I hadn't had his number for awhile but then I just so happened to end up with it and I couldn't resist temptation.  He didn't respond, so I had a good cry the next day and then I deleted him from my phone and facebook (finally.)  I felt like I needed cleansing.  I feel like I need to completely wash all of that off me.  But I can't ever be fully rid of Tyson and the scum he is.

Last week he finally responded to my text.  He said something about not knowing what to say and thinking about my text again and again.  He said he was sorry for making things awkward on his part.  That was it.  I got the text while I was at work and I think I almost passed out.  My hands started shaking, my heart started pounding, my knees felt weak.  I'm not made to handle this emotional stress.  It's wrecking everything about me.  I cried yesterday after seeing Tyson at institute.  Every time I'm near him I want to throw things, like punches or tables.  It pisses me off that he can walk around so unaffected by everything.  Why am I feeling so broken while he's acting as if we ought to be mending things and becoming friends?

It's safe to say that Tyson went from being the love of my life to one of my top 5 most disliked people I've ever met.  It's a shame, too, because he could be such a fun friend.  Any hope we had of being friends was smashes to bits when he tossed me aside like I never mattered.  Dick.

AWOL

It's been over a month since I posted.  In short, my social like exploded and swallowed me whole.  It hasn't quite spit me back out, but I've come up for a breather.  Here's a recap of the men in my life:

Tyson:  Still a dick, still ignores me at institute/multi stake events. His sister told me that it might be time to start being friends again.  She doesn't know what went down between us.  Eventually I'll explain to her (and to you) but right now I'm still brooding over it and would rather leave the subject untouched.

Frank:  He's a pansy.  A super cute, awkward, totally Mormon pansy.  He doesn't have the guts to ask me (or that skank he was blatantly flirting with) out on a date.  Instead, I have to hang around him all the time at Aiden's house all the time.  It sucks.  I can't ever win over the guy I actually am interested in.  I think I'm doomed to always be stuck in the friend zone.  Eff my freaking life.  Whatever, Frank can have his popular pretty girl, even though her eyes are oddly close together and her face looks kind of droopy when she smiles.

Daniel:  We went awhile without really talking, then we started talking again and he got all horny.  If he hadn't busted his knee, resulting in his being confined to his bed all summer, we'd make out again.  I'm really not enjoying this dry spell.

Over all, I can't wait for Summer to end.  I'm moving to Idaho and I'm probably most excited to have a whole new dating pool.  Living at my parents house, seeing all the same guys I've been seeing for the past couple years in my ward sucks.  The boys just suck.  They don't take me on dates, they don't take anyone on dates. What's up with that?  YOU GUYS SUCK.