Newsflash

Sometimes I think about tweeting or posting on facebook, "Hey Tyson!  Sorry you're such a faggot."  But then I think to myself, "Why should I be sorry?  GO SUCK A BIG ONE, TYSON!"  That's usually followed by a string of profanities I don't have the guts to post on the internet.  

I still hate Tyson, in case you were wondering.

Wade is still awesome.  More and more awesome with every passing day.  

For Tyson

For Wade

Self destructive habits

Last night before going to bed I was poking around on facebook, like everyone else and their grandma does.  One thing led to another and I found myself looking at Tyson's page.  I deleted him months ago, but I still occassionally stalk his only semi-private profile.  He's got a picture of himself and the new girl up as his profile picture.  That's new.   He's grown a beard, despite hating facial hair before his mission.

 

I dreamed that I saw him at institute and he asked for my phone number.  I felt angry and irritated and I was rude to him.  I got up and stormed out of institute, only to return with hopes that I could see and talk to Tyson again.  I looked around for him but realized he was already gone and I missed my opportunity to reconnect with him. 

 

On top of waking up sick this morning, I was in a bad mood.  I felt disgusted with myself for even dreaming regret about not being friends with Tyson.  What's wrong with my subconscious self?  I'm pretty sure there's a loose circut somewhere in there, because I know Tyson is no good.  I know that he's a giant douche bag who doesn't deserve an ounce of my attention, my pity or even my forgiveness.  I want to go back into my dream and slap myself around, yelling, "Pull yourself together!  He broke your heart!  Don't give him the satisfaction of crawling back to you and winning!"  I really need to get over this.  I need to move on.  

 

I'm not sure if I know how yet. 

DOUCHE BAG

Every time I see pictures of Tyson and his new squeeze, I want to punch him in the balls and her in the face.
I also feel kind of lame for still being so bitter and upset.  Oh well, I guess it's not every day the guy you're in love with shows you his ugly, lying, douche bag side.  He's not even worth my time, but I can't help but feel enraged.

Tyson, you're a FAGGOT

p.s. I went on a date.  We went longboarding and got ice cream.  It was relaxed and awesome.

An attempt at dating

There's this guy from the same YSA ward as Tyson and Daniel named Peter who asked me out about a month ago.  He wanted to take me out to this taco place after institute, but it was closed.  Instead we went to a BBQ place and ate and talked.  Peter is really funny.  Like, hilarious.  I couldn't keep a smile off my face because this dude was constantly saying smart things that made me crack up.  All in all, it was really fun.  I enjoyed it.  We followed up the date with another one the following week to go see the movie Captain America.  I liked the movie, he totally wanted me to hold his hand, and he totally wanted to kiss me at the end of the night.  But we did neither.

So what's the problem with Peter?  Nothing really, expect I think of him as a good friend, someone I like to spend time with but not someone I'm tempted to kiss or hold hands with.  Maybe it's his beard, maybe it's that I don't know him very well, or maybe it's even that I want someone who has the guts to actually hold me hand or kiss me, not someone who will hint at it but waits for me to make the move.  I don't want to make the move, I want a man who'll show me he wants something by asking me out on a date and the kissing me on my front door step.  Doesn't the saying go "It's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission"?   What's with all these pansy boys who won't go in for the kill?  I refuse to give in to that laziness.  If I'm on a second (or third or fourth etc) date with you, the thought of kissing you has definitely crossed my mind.

Despite having so much fun with Peter when we go out, I've realized that I'm also sad when we're together and he's asking me to feel how cold his hands are or he's leaning his head on my shoulder.  I'm sad because I'm not into him and I don't feel that connection even though I really want to.  I don't want to feel alone anymore.  I think I'm still looking for someone who made me feel the way Tyson did and I don't know if I can be happy with anything less than that.  I trusted him so much...

My heart is on the floor. Why don't you step on it?

Daniel and I snuck away from his birthday party and locked lips for a couple minutes down the street.  It wasn't very long, nothing really happened except some good smooches.  Later he sent me a text telling me he wasn't quite satisfied.  Dan, my friend, neither was I.  I've been running on empty for a good couple of months and the two brief sessions we've had recently weren't enough.  I've been left wanting more.  It's time for a makeout date.  The weather is nice, he and I should go star gazing or something so we can have some alone time.  I hate dry spells...

Last week Tyson rocked me emotionally. I sent him a text several weeks ago saying, "I hate that I don't feel comfortable talking to you."  It was a weak moment that I regret.  I hadn't had his number for awhile but then I just so happened to end up with it and I couldn't resist temptation.  He didn't respond, so I had a good cry the next day and then I deleted him from my phone and facebook (finally.)  I felt like I needed cleansing.  I feel like I need to completely wash all of that off me.  But I can't ever be fully rid of Tyson and the scum he is.

Last week he finally responded to my text.  He said something about not knowing what to say and thinking about my text again and again.  He said he was sorry for making things awkward on his part.  That was it.  I got the text while I was at work and I think I almost passed out.  My hands started shaking, my heart started pounding, my knees felt weak.  I'm not made to handle this emotional stress.  It's wrecking everything about me.  I cried yesterday after seeing Tyson at institute.  Every time I'm near him I want to throw things, like punches or tables.  It pisses me off that he can walk around so unaffected by everything.  Why am I feeling so broken while he's acting as if we ought to be mending things and becoming friends?

It's safe to say that Tyson went from being the love of my life to one of my top 5 most disliked people I've ever met.  It's a shame, too, because he could be such a fun friend.  Any hope we had of being friends was smashes to bits when he tossed me aside like I never mattered.  Dick.

Flirting: To Play At Love

Flirting.  We all do it, it's enjoyable, it's playful, it's fun.  But what is it?  Why do we do it?  What does it mean?

My personal definition of flirting is it's a slightly sensual, inviting, teasing way of interacting.  The dictionary says flirting is "to play at love."  It's lighthearted, sometimes serious, sometimes innocent fun.  Flirting is one of the main ways men and women can interact and introduce the possibility of something bigger blossoming.  It's hard not to flirt with someone you're into.  It's a way to show that person that you are fun, interesting, and clever.  I like to think of myself as a master flirt, since I've had ample time and boys to practice.  It's an art form, really.   It's all about the subtle moves and the subtext underlying the words you use.  Once you've master the two individually, the combination of a movement and a simple comment that could mean so much can do a lot to a guy (Or a girl, whichever.)

There's this guy, Chase, with whom I'm good friends.  He served in the same mission as Aiden.  While Chase was on his mission, his family moved into my stake, so now he's in the same YSA ward as me and Aiden.  We hang out on the weekends with big groups (Chase works a summer job about 2 hours south of here, but comes home on the weekends) and it's awesome.  He's not the kind of guy you'd see and think, "Oh dang!  That is one great looking dude!  I want him NOW!"  Don't get me wrong, he's attractive, but he's not drop dead gorgeous.  He's tall (like, really tall), dark hair, pretty hazel eyes, but he's a little awkward looking.  I think that's why I'm attracted to him; I like the awkward boys.  Chase is hilarious.  I enjoy a good banter and Chase is a good banterer, I could talk to him endlessly.  I think it's his wit that makes him that way.  Whatever it is, there's something simply irresistible about this guy.

Last weekend Chase came over to my house and we sat in my room on my bed (with the door propped open, my parents were home) and talked.  He told me all his woman woes, which are many.  He's got chicks throwing themselves at him right and left and he doesn't know how to field them away.  He likes this girl who lives in his hometown, a couple states away. She's just barely 18 and his best friend's younger sister, so he's feeling a little hesitant, but he really digs her.  I'm the cool platonic girlfriend, so he can tell me all these things and feel like we're on safe ground, stuck in the friend zone.  In fact, Chase wants me to act as his secretary of dating so I can help him get rid of all the unworthy girls and send all the hot ones on to him.  I'm flatter that he would trust me that way, but his shallowness is ridiculous.  He's got a type: tall, skinny, leggy, cheerleader girls.  I'm not tall, not a cheerleader type, I've got killer legs, but they're shot,and I'm not the skinniest (I'm not overweight, but I'm not rail thin.)  So the friend zone.  I'm stuck there, probably for awhile.

Where's the correlation between flirting and Chase?  We flirt a lot.  It goes right along with the banter that goes on.  We joke around that we're almost dating and he calls me Babe all the time.  It's supposed to be a strategy to get girls who he doesn't want to like him to think he's unavailable, but I think I'm enjoying it way too much.  With the whole Tyson thing fresh in my mind, having something fun to throw my attention into is such a relief.  I like being able to take my mind off of something so negative that makes me feel like crap and focus on something that's fun and lighthearted and doesn't really call for much effort or commitment.

In short, I like flirting with Chase.  I like pretending to be his almost girlfriend, but not having to be committed.  I like not having to think about Tyson all the time.  We'll have to wait and see what happens, though.  Chase and I will both be going on to BYUI in the Fall, so we'll see if I can progress out of the friend zone.   

Let's get real for a moment

It's time to leave all the silly make out stories aside for a moment while I get serious and explain the Tyson thing.  This is something that rocked me to the core, I try to avoid talking about it.  However, I feel like it's kind of a necessity for me to get this out there so you can sort of understand a little bit about me and what I've been through and why I act the way I do.

Tyson and I met almost four years ago at a party.  We became friends through a mutual friend and started talking a lot.  I was dating a guy at the time but we were living in different states, which made the relationship really hard to maintain.  As I started talking to Tyson more, I began to realize more and more that my boyfriend, Joe, really wasn't someone with a personality substantial enough to keep me interested.  He was kind of bland and effeminate and he never wanted to talk about anything serious.  Our conversations mostly hovered around what we did that day and how much we missed each other.  Whenever I'd bring up something serious, he'd ignore it.  It hurt because I feel like I should be able to talk about serious things that weigh on my mind with my boyfriend.  Because, when it all comes down to it, dating is just practice for marriage, and I want to marry someone I can communicate with.

Tyson showed me how it felt to have someone to trust in.  Because of this eye opening friendship, I ended my relationship with Joe (after giving it a chance once we were living in the same town again...it just didn't work.) Tyson lead me to believe that it's okay to let your walls down and be vulnerable.  We would stay up until 4 in the morning talking about things that we hoped for, things that we feared, and things that we believed in.  He was sarcastic and witty and hesitant to open up to me...but he did.  We quickly became best friends.  While I lived at home, we spent nearly every night together going bowling or watching movies.  When I was at school, there was hardly a moment we weren't texting each other.  To this day, I don't know how I survived that Summer on so little sleep.  I think my normal bed time was somewhere between 3am and 5am.  I've never felt so connected to another person.  He was my soul mate, I was sure of it.

We never had a really physically relationship, mostly because I was away at school most of the time we talked a ton.  I did, however, take a trip home for memorial day.  That was probably one of the best weekends of my life.  We watched movies, snuggled, went to a baseball game, kissed...  It was perfect.  Absolutely perfect.  Aside from that, the only other time we kissed was the night before he left on his mission. We watched Harry Potter 4, held hands, and then kissed goodbye.  He gave me a framed photo of the two of us.  Now, he gave a couple other girls photos, too, including an ex girlfriend.  I was hurt and jealous and distraught, but it didn't really matter that much because he only kissed me and I had two years for him to forget about the other girls.

Despite all that, I kept that photo of the two of us out where I could see it every day for the two years he was gone. I wrote him letters that were pages and pages, just telling him about my roommates and classes and family and work.  I wrote him about my testimony and how impressed I was with his growth while on the mission.  He wrote to me about the experiences he had, people he taught, how he grew closer to his companions.  When he bore his testimony in his letters, I felt the Spirit so strong.  His letters were the bright light for me in a very long, lonely two years.  I copied almost every single one into my journal.  I kind of love letters.

Tyson came home from his mission in January.  I was so anxious and nervous about seeing him, I was literally shaking when I went over to his house to see him for the first time.  He walked me to my car after a night of games with his family and I felt wobbly, with weak knees.  It was so surreal to be with him again, after two years of not seeing him.  I couldn't catch my breath.  When we hugged it was awkward, but I never wanted it to end.  But he was home and we had plenty of time to spend together.  The other two girls he gave photos to?  They were history to me.  One was married with a child, one was at school in Utah.  Tyson was mine to enjoy.

We watched movies, went to parties, spent nights playing games with his family.  I spent a weekend at home alone and he talked on the phone with me at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep because I was spooked.  He invited me out to watch his basketball practices and we sat together at institute every week.  That is, until the weekend before his birthday when he went awol.  His responses to texts were evasive and brief.  We had planned to get together, but it didn't happen because he just never followed up with the plans.  On Monday he told me that we'd talk after the institute devotional the next day.  After he spoke about his mission, he sat me down outside (I was super nervous) and he told me that his friend that was going to school in Utah had come into town that weekend and he spent all his time with her.  He said, "I thought I should be the one to tell you in person that she and I are together."

I didn't have much to say.  I had prepared myself for him to not come home and sweep me off my feet, but it still stung.  I cried and said, "Well that sucks.  I'm happy that you're happy with her, but it still kind of sucks to lose."  After awhile of silence I said, "I have to go, why don't you call me when you feel like talking." and I left without looking at him.  I went home and cried to my mom.I was disappointed, but it wasn't really the end of the world.  I can't win everything.

But really, I can't win at all.  A couple weeks later Tyson called me up after I called him out on ignoring me.  He told me a lot of things, including that he doesn't feel like we have any sort of friendship unless we're flirting.   He said, "I think the hole in your life where I was is much bigger than the hole in mine where you were.  Because there's not really a hole.  I don't miss you.  I don't feel like I need you in my life."  At first I was devastated, but then I started feeling angry.  I was crying silently the whole conversation, but I was pissed.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  This was Tyson, my Tyson.  The one I'd shared some of the most wonderful experiences of my life with, and he was acting as if I meant nothing to him.  He told me he felt like he could never fully trust me, never fully let me in.  And then he had the balls to tell me he felt like he owed it to me to try and be friends anyway.  That was my breaking point.  I pretty much told him I don't want his pity friendship and hung up.  And that was that.  No more Leslie and Tyson.  No more letters, no more ball games, no more movie nights.  No more text messages, phone calls, or sitting together at events.  I've never felt so empty in my entire life.

Thinking about Tyson and how elated he made me feel just heightens the anger I feel about the way he treated me.  I'm devastated to think that I wasted so much time thinking about him and avoiding other relationships because of him.  I almost feel like he ruined me.  He used me and tossed me aside without warning.  I want to vomit.  I hate him.

AWOL

It's been over a month since I posted.  In short, my social like exploded and swallowed me whole.  It hasn't quite spit me back out, but I've come up for a breather.  Here's a recap of the men in my life:

Tyson:  Still a dick, still ignores me at institute/multi stake events. His sister told me that it might be time to start being friends again.  She doesn't know what went down between us.  Eventually I'll explain to her (and to you) but right now I'm still brooding over it and would rather leave the subject untouched.

Frank:  He's a pansy.  A super cute, awkward, totally Mormon pansy.  He doesn't have the guts to ask me (or that skank he was blatantly flirting with) out on a date.  Instead, I have to hang around him all the time at Aiden's house all the time.  It sucks.  I can't ever win over the guy I actually am interested in.  I think I'm doomed to always be stuck in the friend zone.  Eff my freaking life.  Whatever, Frank can have his popular pretty girl, even though her eyes are oddly close together and her face looks kind of droopy when she smiles.

Daniel:  We went awhile without really talking, then we started talking again and he got all horny.  If he hadn't busted his knee, resulting in his being confined to his bed all summer, we'd make out again.  I'm really not enjoying this dry spell.

Over all, I can't wait for Summer to end.  I'm moving to Idaho and I'm probably most excited to have a whole new dating pool.  Living at my parents house, seeing all the same guys I've been seeing for the past couple years in my ward sucks.  The boys just suck.  They don't take me on dates, they don't take anyone on dates. What's up with that?  YOU GUYS SUCK.

Something old, something new

Daniel and I haven't meet up for almost four weeks.  First week he was busy, next week I was out of town, last week I had work/he was sick/we weren't feeling it.  We've kind of agreed that we've gotten bored and this has come to an end.

Here's the thing: making out is great.  It's fun, it's a rush, you feel all sexy and wanted and all that warm fuzzy stuff.  However, when you're routinely making out with the same person but you're not actually dating, things start to get a little monotonous and boring.  Sure, we might have changed things up every week, but it still got boring.  We dabbled with the thought of actually getting together, even though, much like the Capulets and Montagues, our families hate each other.  That didn't happen.  We got bored.  And so it would appear that we are no more.  And I don't really care.  It was fun while it lasted, it took away some of the pain that I was feeling over Tyson (saw him for the first time a couple weeks ago.  He had the balls to try and joke around with me.  Dick.) and now I'm ready to take on something new, which I've already found...

Frank.  He's relatively new in my ward, just got home from his mission at the beginning of February, suuuuper new RM awkward.  All things considered, anything that would go down with him would be the complete opposite of what Daniel and I do.  Cross your fingers for me.

Afternoon Delight

I don't typically ward hop.  I'm very involved in my single's ward, so I stick pretty close to home.  However, there was one particular Sunday when I had the oportunity to attend another ward for part of the block and I knew I looked really good, so I went on the off chance that I'd see this guy I'd been in love with for the past couple years.  Okay, I also wanted to go and make Daniel see how hot I am.  This was mid-February and I hadn't kissed anyone since Daniel on New Year's...

Somehow Daniel and I ended up at the park after church ended (Tyson, kid I was in love with, was a no-show.)  We walked around the entire park and sat down on the bleachers by the baseball fields and just talked.  It was really nice to catch up with him and see what he was up to.  He called me out on my constant application of chapstick, claiming I'd lured him to the park just so I could kiss him.  That is FALSE.  I had had really dry lips the previous week and they cracked really bad, the chapstick was just to keep moisture on my lips so the cracks wouldn't get any bigger.  I intended to not kiss Daniel at all.  Tyson was home from his mission and we were hanging out practically every day, so I wanted to avoid guilt.  Daniel walked me to my car, gave me a big hug, and planted one on me.  Whoops....

The next Sunday Daniel came to my ward and we left early...to go makeout at a park.  There we were in our Sunday best, making out instead of sitting in Sunday school.  As far as habits go, that's something I'm not planning on making into one.  I came home from "church" and during dinner my dad gave me his normal quiz of who taught what class and what did I find interesting.  Definitely had to fudge a little instead of tell him about the French lesson...

Through a whirlwind of events, including Tyson announcing he got a girlfriend (freaking whore, I hate her), my telling Daniel that we had to stop and then, later that day, telling him we needed to meet up asap, Daniel and I ended up with plans to meet up and makeout.  Scheduled hookup.  Since then, it's been that same day every week.  Friends with benefits, makeout buddies, committed NCMO partners, secret lovers without the lovers bit (Daniel's favorite lable.  Should I be worried?)  It's a weird arrangement, I know, but somehow it's working out...