Nuclear BOMB

Tuesday I was walking through the library when I spotted Kirk. I hadn't seen him anywhere this semester, I hadn't even seen his car anywhere, no sign of him whatsoever yet there he was, printing a paper. I paused and walked towards him, stopped and walked back the way I was going probably three times before I actually got up the nerve to approach him.

"Kirk!" I called to catch his attention. He looked up and me and smiled, walking over.
"Leslie! How are you?"
"I'm good. Um, I just wanted to apologize for all of my crazy. I kind of lost it last semester and I know you took the heat and a lot of it was a pretty extreme and wildly inappropriate. I'm sorry."
"Nah, it's all good. I don't think you're crazy at all. I was a huge douche bag. I'm sorry. You look great."

It was about then when the fire raging in my heart calmed and I could breathe easy. We talked about classes, I told him about my new job and he told me about his. Overall it was a fairly brief conversation, not even ten minutes. We hugged goodbye and I walked away feeling less sad than I had the few days previous and more confident that things were right between us. I'm a sucker for fixing hurt feelings, I hate leaving relationships or friendships on bad terms, which was exactly where I left things with Kirk last semester. With some time, however, I feel like all the rage I felt towards his subsided and I just wanted to tell him I was sorry. This moment in the library was my reconciliation with Kirk. I walked away feeling good.

A few hours later I received this text, "I just wanted to let you know that you have nothing to apologize for. I was a total jerk. It was nice to see you today."

Somehow that sparked a conversation...that is still going. Kirk and I have been texting nonstop since I responded to his apology. I don't even know how we went from briefly talking to having this ongoing conversation, but we're talking in a way we haven't talked in a really long time, like before we broke up. I have two voices screaming at me, both of which originate in my head; my heart isn't a part of this, it's under lock and key. One voice is saying, "He deserves a chance to show you he's changed. If he's willing to work hard and prove he wants this, why not? It could be good." And then the other voice is saying, "WTF ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!"

As you can see, I'm conflicted.

I know, I know. A lot of shiz went down down between myself and Kirk and I was left broken hearted and alone. But you know what? I'm okay. I came out on top, having learned more about myself and what I deserve from someone else and what behavior I'll allow myself to do. Emotionally I'm in a completely different place than when Kirk and I started dating and when we broke up. What does that mean for Kirk?

While talking last night we had the following exchange (don't judge me for being a little bit vulnerable):
"What's on your mind?"
"Reminiscing about our beginning. It was really good for a bit."
"Yes, it truly was."
"I really thought we'd get married. I was completely infatuated."
"I was an idiot and I'm sorry."
"There was a lot going on for the both of us. In the end, what needed to happen happened."
"But sometimes I wish it had worked out."
"Me too"
"I'm really sorry."
"It's okay. It was a learning experience. I can honestly say I learned a lot about myself from it, things I wouldn't have learned otherwise."
"Do you believe in second chances?"
"I do, but they take a lot of work."
"That's true"
"Do you?"
"Yes I do"
"It would take a lot of work. And time."
"True but I feel it would be worth it. That's just me though."
"It could be. This si so bizzare. It's like being stuck in a dream state."
"What do you mean?"
"Before yesterday I didn't think we'd ever talk again, yet here we are, talking in a way we haven't talked since long before we broke up."
"It's crazy how things work out"
"We'll just have to see what happens"
"Sounds like a plan"

Kirk wants a second chance. He wants to go from Kirk to Kirk 2.0

To be continued...