I received an unexpected text message this weekend. From Kirk.
I know what you're thinking, "Don't do it, Leslie! Don't talk to him! Didn't you just talk about how much of a douche bag Kirk is? DO NOT DO IT." And you're right; I shouldn't give him the time of day. He has done nothing to show me that he deserves any attention from me. When he first texted me, I was furious. It was a accident, meant for a different Leslie in one of his classes, but this is the second time this semester he has done this. Last time I told him to not text me ever again. Clearly he didn't delete my phone number.
Kirk's timing couldn't be any worse. This past week or so I've spent a lot of time in my head revisiting my relationship with him. I feel as though I've kept it under control, but part of me gets really sad when I think about him too much. We had the start to a really great relationship, but nothing really came together after that. Our individual cadences never fell in sync, even though we knew we had a lot of potential to be great together. The part of me that gets sad sometimes feels like I might have missed my opportunity. I know this isn't true. Happiness isn't miserable and that's how Kirk made me feel. However, that's just part of the irrational crazy that comes with being a girl. Sometimes I miss Kirk, OKAY? It happens.
BUT, here's the important part, the thing that makes it most exhausting to revisit mine and Kirk's relationship is that I've been carrying around a lot of resentment and bitterness. I'm bitter that Kirk used me. I'm bitter that we started out like a fairytale and then fell apart. I'm bitter that I'm alone. I resent him because I was never able to tell him all of the things that he did that bothered me. These are the things that make thinking about Kirk so heavy. All that great build up just for me to end up bitter, resentful, and alone. I'm tired of feeling this way.
This tired feeling caused me to go beyond telling Kirk to delete my number and leave me alone. No, instead it lead me to tell him I'm sorry for the way everything happened. I know, I know. You're going to tell me that I have nothing to be sorry for, which is fairly true. I'm not sorry for Kirk, really, but more so sorry for myself. I didn't really tell him that "I'm sorry for how everything happened because I'm sorry for myself, Kirk." No, I told him just that I'm sorry for the way everything happened.
YOU GUYS. I'm TIRED of this.
When I started talking to Kirk, I knew I was playing with fire. However, I feel as though the fire that was previously burning in my heart for him wasn't there. I knew there would be a chance that he would ask for another chance. I knew there would be a chance I would lose my head. I knew there were all these risks but I didn't care. I wanted to talk to Kirk because I wanted to stop feeling the way I've been feeling. I wanted to tell him the things that had bothered me about our relationship that I never had the nerve to say because I was too afraid of losing him. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you can't lose someone you don't have and I don't have Kirk.
We talked and it felt great. I felt relieved that I was able to finally be honest and tell him all these things that I've been carrying around.
There's more to it and I'll get around to blogging about it, but for now, know that I feel good about what Kirk and I talked about.
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