Fool Me Twice

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I don't know what it is about me, but I seem to have a habit of cycling through men and then recycling through them again. It happened with Daniel, it happened with Kirk, it happened with a handful of other guys from hign school. We date, things fall apart, we eventually reconnect and they want to try again, then it falls apart again. What is the deal with that? Why don't I just let things be done and move on? UGH

Remember Sam? He called me last week and said, "Hey, want to go get ice cream right now? I feel like getting ice cream" Before I knew it he was knocking on my front door and we were in his car on the way to Cold Stone. We spent some time in the car talking, catching up. We haven't talked much since the beginning of the semester, so there was quite a bit of ground to cover. It didn't take Sam long to ask, "Have you been dating much?" Well, no. Stop talking to me about dating, this is weird. But no, he wanted to talk about it for a while. He wanted to know what my attitude towards dating currently is, he wanted to tell me about how immature all the girls he's taken out are.

"I have a tendency of coming on too strong." He said. I assured him that yes, he does. That's what drove me away from him in the first place. Second date and he was acting like we were a couple, not even bothering to DTR or get to know me. What happened to the thrill of the chase? Sam is not one who chases girls.

I had a lot of fun going out to ice cream with him. He has a sense of humor that's really playful and fun. I kept telling myself, "You're having a lot of fun, Leslie. You like spending time with Sam, the romance will come with time."

On the ride home while sitting at a stoplight he looked over at me and said, "We should go out again." I nodded and said, "Yes, we should go out again. I've had a lot of fun." "We should go out like six more times." He grinned and laughed, delighted like a child. According to Sam I have a personality that requires a lot of preplanning because I "don't put up with any bullsh*t." I don't know if that's entirely accurate, but if I'm not feeling something, I don't stick around.

After saying we should go out again and proposing six dates, I told him we'd just take it slow and see what happens. He said, "What are you thinking about?" I was honest: nothing. In that moment, my mind was blank. "Nothing?" He said, "You're not feeling giddy? You arne't full of butterflies at the thought of six more dates?" He laughed and I got awkward. No butterflies, no giddiness. All I felt was awkward and pressed upon. He was asking questions that I didn't have satisfying answers to and it wasn't any fault of mine. I simply cannot feel romantic about Sam. He's funny and enjoyable to be around (when he's not talking about dating) but I'm just not attracted to him on a level more than a friend. But I wasn't ready to accept that as reality.

The next night I invited Sam over to watch a movie, during which he wanted to snuggle. I let him lean on me, but I tried not to be overly snuggly with him. At one point I got something from my room and then when I came back he was sitting in my seat. He made me sit next to him and lean onto him, his arm around me. I could tell he wanted to hold my hand, but I kept my hands folded across my chest. I don't want a guy to think he's won me over after just one date. He has to do some work. I wanted him to respect me enough to wait, to let me show him I'm into him. I can't just make up my mind after 24 hours that I'm madly in love with someone, especially if I don't even feel any level of giddiness. I wrote about it before with Sam and it's just as true now as it was then: you can't force a spark.

Sorry, Sam. It's just not happening.

I've got to stop revisiting the past.

Date with a Commenter

Michael warned me that it would be cold on our date. I made sure to wear my heavy coat, boots, and thick socks. Even all bundled up, I was still cold. We went out to Beaver Dick to have a bonfire with three other couples and man it was chilly out there. The place was one giant trap of muddy, freezing cold puddles.

Upon discovering that the guys neglected to bring skewers, we all went on a hunt for sticks that were good enough to be used as skewers for hot dogs and marshmallows. I've got to admit, it was a bit of an adventure hiking around on the rocks, trying to reach a decent branch of a tree. Eventually we found a couple good ones and we headed back to the fire to roast things.

Most of the night was spent listening to the guys chat and make jokes while the girls sat back and listened. There were moments when the guys took some time to talk to their dates and Mike and I got to know each other a bit. In some ways I'm glad it was a group dates, in some ways I wish it had been a single date so we could have spent more time talking to each other rather than being an outside observer.

The date ended with hot chocolate from Maverick's and Pitch Perfect at Mike's apartment. I think we were the only couple that wasn't snuggling by the end of the movie. Nothing wrong with that, it was our first date and we hadn't met each other before then, but being the only people surrounded by snuggly couples is a little bit awkward. Whatevs, we survived the night. On the way home we drove through the temple parking lot and went spot lighting. I'd never done that before, but it was fun in that moment. What is spot lighting, you ask? You drive around and find parked cars with couples in them making out, pull up close to them with your head lights on them. It's obnoxious when you're the one making out in the car, but it's pretty fun when you're with friends making things awkward for the couples.

Overall it was a fun date. I don't think anything will come of it, but it was still nice to get out with people and do something fun. Bonus: Mike is pretty dang funny. I laughed a lot that night.

And now something completely different

I've never posted anything like this on this blog. I usually try to keep what I write on here pretty relevant to dating and BYU-Idaho, while occasionally blogging about my personal issues and self discovery, but that's not the only thing I enjoy writing.

Here's a piece that's been kicking around in my head for quite some time now, but it was only recently that I was able to write it in a way that felt right. It brings up a lot of emotion for me, since it's non fiction and it's just one of those insignificant things that strikes home. I hope you enjoy it. Eventually I'll get back to blogging about dating and other exciting stuff.

“I’ll replace it” I told her, “I’ll buy you a new one.”

            Glass covered the floor, it was laying on its side. Her eyes were glistening with disappointment. “It was really expensive. You can’t afford it.”

            “I’ll save up! I’m really sorry. I’ll replace it.” My heart sank every time she looked at me, ripping into me with her sad eyes, causing my guilt worsen. I didn’t break the lamp, but my friends did. I’m the one who told them it would be okay to play that game in that room. I’m the one who encouraged the rowdiness, causing them to bump the table. The moment I heard it hit the floor I felt panic rise in my chest. I knew there would be consequences. I knew she would be sad.

            “It was an accident. They said they’d pitch in and buy a new one. We shouldn’t have been playing in there. It’s all my fault.”

            She just stared at the floor, baffled by my idiocy, my immaturity. This is the kind of thing a child does, not a grown girl. I don’t remember the last time I felt that small. I wanted to go back in time and change what happened. Disappointing her was one of the worst things I could do and there I was having done just that. There wasn’t anything I could do except tell her over and over, "I'll replace it. I’m so sorry.”

            A year passed and still the lamp sat on the end table, giant shards of glass missing from its panes, cracks growing in what glass remained. Every moment I spent in the living room was a reminder of the promise I had yet to fulfill. My friends never cashed in, I never had enough extra money. I looked online for the lamp at one point, but when I found it I realized I would never be able to afford it. She had expensive taste.

            Thinking about it now, I can’t help but feel my stomach churn within me, unsettled at the thought of my failure. I should have at least bought something to replace it. Instead it just sat there for months. I could have put it in the garage, but I never moved it. She loved that lamp so much. It had been so exquisite. I can’t decide if it would have killed me more to put it away or to see it there all the time, a broken reminder. Sometimes there isn’t a better thing to do, consequences linger with either choice.

            Now she’s gone and I can’t help but think of that damn lamp and all the things I could have done. It seems silly to dwell on such an object, years after it was broken. With her death I should be remembering our happy moments, our bittersweet goodbye, her dedication to me as a mother. My mother is dead and I’m consumed by a lamp.

            “I’ll replace it” I told her, “I’ll buy you a new one.”

I suck, and I apologize

I have half a blogpost written about my date with Mike, but I haven't been able to finish it. It's mostly laziness preventing me from getting it posted, but it's partly because I simply can't seem to word anything right in it. Sometimes the flow for a post just comes to me and I can bust it out no problem, other times the post needs to kick around in my brain for a week or two.

Right now my brain is overloaded with the impending end of the semester, especially because I have some big-A projects due within the next week and sometimes I feel like I'm going to DIE from the pressure. Once things slow down and I can breathe and justify not doing anything productive with my time, I'll get back to blogging and I'll blog about Mike.

I haven't forgotten you, Mike. I had fun on the date and I WILL blog about it.

In the meantime, enjoy this awesome tune.

Syntax and Face-to-Face

Even after washing my clothes and using copious amounts of febreeze, everything still smells like smoke.

Despite some of you thinking I ought not go on this date, I had to give Mike credit for being ballsy enough to ask me out without knowing anything more than a few blogposts worth of information about me. I went and I have no regrets. First of all, upon texting him I was pleasantly surprised that not only was his syntax excellent, but he was also pretty witty. I feel as though good syntax and good conversation skills via text is a lost art. So often I'll start talking to a guy via text and the way he texts or the way he tries to impress me becomes off putting. Let's face it, using netspeak in this, the age of smartphones with QWERTY keyboards, is a sign of laziness and lack of respect for the English language. You have a full keyboard on that iPhone of yours, why not put it to use? We're adults, start acting like one. You can't JK or LOL your way into my heart.

So yes, Mike has good syntax. Brownie points! Also nice was the fact that he didn't overwhelm me with texts, ask for my full name so he could facebook stalk me, and he also made sure I was aware what was going to happen on this date so I could dress appropriately. I once went on a date where we ended up walking to the Ricks building from the far end of campus. It was November and it was ridiculously windy and freezing. I wasn't adequately prepared. There wasn't a second date. Mike had already told me we'd be going with other couples out to Beaver Dick to have a bonfire, but he made sure to remind me before he came to pick me up that we'd be outside and it would be cold. I think the only thing I wasn't prepared for were the giant puddles that had frozen over and how went my boots got. No biggie, though, the fire was enough to dry them pretty well.

Before Mike got to my apartment I got a little nervous, as I usually do before a date, mostly because I know he had no idea who I was or what I'd actually be like in person. I'm not sure where this insecurity stems from, but I have this crazy fear that I'm not actually a likable person when people are around me. Maybe it's because Tyson was such a douche in telling me, his best friend, that he never cared for me. Maybe it's just my head getting the better of me. Whatever it is, I still get afraid that I'm going to disappoint people with who I am. I think I did alright, though. While his friend went to collect his date, Mike and I sat in the car and talked for a bit. For the first time in a long time I had the opportunity to get to know someone face to face. It was awesome. We live in a technological world where it's easier to hide behind a text message in order to talk to someone. It provide a sense of confidence that we might not have in person. Sometimes it's nice, but other times I yearn to get to know someone without the crutch of technology. It's more raw, more real. And it's fun! At one point Mike was explaining to me the way caffeine works (he's a masochist, whoops, I mean he's a chem major) and instead of being boring, it was fun and interesting and it gave me a glimpse of something he's interested in. It's these kind of moments that make me feel slighted by text message conversations. That kind of interaction simply wouldn't have worked over text.

I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty of the date in this post, that will come later. Overall, it was really fun. Like I said, I have no regrets. Mike is a pretty cool guy and he did a good job of making me feel at ease. Plus, he's a gentleman.

Gut Move

I follow my gut. 

Sometimes my gut is wrong, like with Kirk asking for a second chance. Sometimes my gut is right, like with Hunter and him being the mayor of sketch city. Maybe that's my weakness, wanting to believe the best in people, going with my gut instinct on whether or not I should trust something. This doesn't just relate to dating or friends, either, it's with everything I do. When I sit down to write a paper, take a test, plan a trip, decide what to do for the day...all of it is based of what sparks my interest, seems right, feels like it deserves a chance. 

I take into account what I know, what I want, what could happen. Sometimes I feel wreckless making the decisions I make, sometimes I feel confident and invincible. All the same, it's how I choose to live. I know I ask questions to see what ya'lls opinion is on different things and I appreciate the feedback, but I have to say, I don't really appreciate criticism or making jabs at me because I haven't followed your advice.

While I write a lot of things that happen, not always do I include all the details or my entire thought process. This blog is a way that I can vent, share, and sort out my thoughts. It's something that I've grown to appreciate and it's helped me make a few really good friendships. While I value the anonymity I have, it's not the most important thing about this blog. This blog allows me to be me. A lot of you who read this think Leslie is my real name and no one judges, which means it wouldn't make much of a difference if I used my real name or not, except that if an ex boyfriend stumbled across the blog he might not be too thrilled. 

The point is, I want to keep writing. I want to be able to make decisions, to meet people, to cultivate friendships and maybe be able to help out a few people along the way. I want to receive advice, but not criticism or rudeness. C'mon, people. Don't make me regret my life with you.

I follow my gut. It's helped me become who I am.

Hunter's Prey

I tweeted this on Friday: "Random dude who was doing maintenance in my apartment today: you were kind of obnoxious but you smelled so good! I'm conflicted"

This random dude actually lives in the guys complex right next to mine and has been hired to be the maintenance guy. No biggie, I don't mind, he had a really cute face and a decent sense of humor. The entire time he was in my apartment fixing my dishwasher he was joking around with me. I was in a pretty good mood, so whatever snark he had to toss at me, I tossed it back. By the time he left, he had gotten my number and he texted me immediately. 

So yeah, Hunter is kind of obnoxious. Kind of funny, but borderline obnoxious. He texted me on Friday night asking me to come over, but I declined. I had plans and I just wasn't feelin' it that night. Last night he texted me again, "Come over. I would like to see you."

Hunter is something else, let me tell you. I met this guy ONE DAY before I went over to his apartment and immediately he was all up in my grill with his arm around me, his face all up in my personal bubble. Not even ten minutes after I got there he was reaching over and tucking my hair behind my ear, grabbing my sides and thigh in attempt to tickle me. Upon finding out I'm not ticklish, he took it upon himself to try and prove me wrong. He touched my collar bone. HE TOUCHED MY COLLAR BONE. Yeah, not a huge deal when I'm dating a guy, but when it's someone I've just met and he pushes my shirt open in order to touch my collar bone, that's a huge no-go. HANDS TO YOSELF, SON!

Not only did this kid violate my collarbone, but he lounged across my lap, requesting a back massage. He asked me to tell him all my secrets. Oh, and have I mentioned that he was speaking in a different accent every five minutes? It was bizarre. I don't remember how it came up, but we started talking about making out and dating. In Hunter's mind you don't have to be dating to make out, but making out always comes with dating. Pretty much NCMO vs Dating, which I can understand, but I disagree with the idea that you have to have made out in order to be dating. He tried really hard to defend his position. He said things like, "C'mon! If she's feeling it and I'm feelin' it, best to just not fight it and to let it happen." "Leslie, just let it happen" I gave him this look that clearly said, "Da Fuuuuhhh???" But he didn't get it. He persisted.

Hunter wanted to make out. The signs were all there, all his roommates were gone, he was going over the top. Eventually I excused myself to go home because I just couldn't handle it any more. I doubt I'll ever go out of my way to see this guy again because it was just so...off-putting. 

Men of BYU-Idaho, is this really how you want to get a girl? As much as I don't want to talk about Kirk and what happened with him, at least he dated me before even trying to kiss me. Hunter never even asked me out on a date. If he had asked me out on a date and not acted so desperate, perhaps something would have come of it. Too bad for him.

Leslie Reintroduced

I updated my introduction post. It was the very first post I ever wrote so, being two years down the road, it needed a littl face lift. If you're curious to have a reintroduction to me and the blog, take a look!

http://confessionsofamormonskank.blogspot.com/2011/03/introduction-who-am-i-and-what-is-this.html