He feels, She feels

The dreaded words in a relationship:  We need to talk.  Any other variations of this also invoke the same kind of fear.  In my case the words were, "I need to talk to you about something."  

I'm the kind of girl where if ambiguity is dripping from your words, I will over analyse until the end of the earth.  The text that contained that sentence sent my mind into a frenzy, I kid you not.  Suddenly nothing in class was interesting, all I could do was wonder what Kirk wanted to talk to me about.  My imagination ranged from one extreme ("I realized I don't like you and we need to break up ASAP, you hag!") to the other ("Leslie, I can't take it any longer!  I'm in love with you and we need to get married NOW!  TO THE TEMPLE!"  And then we ride off on a white horse, because, ya know, white horses are in abundance on BYUI campus.)  When we finally did get together so Kirk could "talk to me about something" he does what he does best: beat around the bush.  This is my harsh way of saying Kirk is really good at distracting and avoiding serious conversation.  Sometimes I really appreciate this quality, sometimes I don't.  This week, not a fan.  Just tell me what SOMETHING MEANS, DANGIT!  Geeze.  

Here's his dealio:  He feels like he needs to date other girls for a bit so he can "see what it feels like" to make sure this (this being us) is something he should progress with.  He'd only felt that way for about 24 hours, but he felt like he needed to tell me asap and that we needed to cease being exclusive (ex.clu.sive adjective: Boyfriend/Girlfriend, only date one another, hold hands, kiss, get jiggy with it in a Mormony way).  Here's the kicker: He wants to still date me while he dates other girls.  His feelings for me haven't changed, he still thinks I'm wonderful and beautiful and funny and all those other awesome things Kirk knows how to say in the most flattering way.  He says he doesn't know why he's getting this impression (his word for it, not mine) but he feels like he needs to follow it.  When I heard that I thought, "Well, he still wants to spend time with me and see me.  That works, because that way I still get Kirk even though we're not exclusive!  Perfectamente!"  My thoughts have since changed, but more on that in another post.  Essentially I told him this: 

"I don't like this, it's not my ideal situation.  But I'm not the only one in this relationship, so I can't dictate things the way I want all the time.  If you feel like you need to date other girls to get confirmation that this relationship, you and me, is right or wrong, then you do that.  I can see what you mean, I understand where you're coming from.  I really don't like this, I want you to date just me, but I'll give you the time you need."

And then he and I talked and talked about all sorts of stuff, like how we met and how we really like each other.  It felt normal and comfortable and I kind of hated that he made it so ease to feel at ease after he told me he didn't want to be exclusive.  Overall, though, I felt really okay with it. 

Until the next day...but that's going to be another post.  Stay tuned!

Welcome back, BYU-Idaho!

It's finally here, Fall semester 2012.  Campus is once again overrun with lost freshman, newly returned RMs, and disgruntled juniors and seniors who have thousands of dollars of tuition, housing, and book fees...and they're still not graduated.  Okay, so I might be a little bit bitter about the outrageous cost of my books this semester, but at least I attend a university where I won't be paying off loans for the rest of my life.  Instead I get to live pay check to pay check as a penniless student for the next two years.  Since I live in Rexburg, however, the only places to spend my money would be Walmart or K-Mart (Yeah-I know about LuLu Bella and Downeast, but I'll never have the luxury of shopping there while in college) so I think my few nickles and dimes NOT going towards mountains of books and a decent apartment will be safe for the time being.

Was anyone else blown away by the display of American flags in the Smith quad today?  I loved it.  I thought it was a beautiful tribute to those who passed away on September 11th.  I felt an overwhelming sense of pride when I walked through the billowing standards.  I am an American.  I am free.  I am strong.  What a burst of pride, faith, and passion to put me through this semester...loved it.

All is quiet here, just settled into my new apartment over the weekend and since yesterday have been hit with homework like a tsunami in the East.  Kirk helped me move a bunch of my things into my apartment over the weekend then he bailed out of town (he just got in, where does he have to go so soon?) until Monday.  My roommates are beginning to think I've made him up, even though I've seen him both yesterday and today.  One of my new roomies asked, "Does he have marriage potential?  Have you dropped the L word yet?"  Yes, marriage potential, no we haven't said 'I love you.'  We're taking things slow.

Being two months into the relationship and not having said 'I love you' feels weird, yet at the same time it feels comfortable.  I don't know if I could really say that I love Kirk and know that I really, truly feel it.  I really admire him and I'm attracted to him like all get out, but I feel like love is such a huge emotion that I'm not quiet there yet with Kirk.  I'm on the way there, especially with working through all our little bumps and hardships, but I'm getting there.  I hope he is, too.

Happy new semester, everyone!

BYU-Idaho 9/11 Tribute

A Kiss is A Kiss is A Kiss

What makes someone a good kisser?

I've heard several friends ask this question.  The skill level of a kisser is hard to gauge because so much of kissing is personal preference.  I'm not one of them, but some people like super sloppy, wet kisses, while some prefer really slow, controlled, simple ones.  There can be too much tongue, there can be absolutely no tongue.  The wide variety of different types of kissing makes this a very hard question to answer.  But since this is my blog, we're going by my opinion.

One of the basic rules of Good Kissing in Leslie's book is the ability to read your partner's actions to determine their style of kissing.  When you're kissing someone new, there's a bit of an awkward period where you don't know exactly what they like in a kiss, so you throw in a combination of things you've learned in the past and things you know you enjoy.  If you don't take note of the things your partner does in the beginning stages, you could find yourself with an awkward make out.  It's a give and take process.  You give signals, you take their signals.

Another rule that I recently added to my book: the lizard tongue (darting in and out in quick succession) is NOT fun.  Thanks to a party that will remain anonymous, I discovered this the hard way.  French kissing takes technique but definitely not this one.  I don't know anyone who thinks opening and closing your mouth like a fish gasping for air while darting your tongue in and out is fun or sexy.  Absolutely nothing about that is appealing.  It might actually be anti-sexy.  Seriously?  Gross.

I'm a sucker for a really good, nice, long closed mouth kiss.  It's those kinds of kisses that tell me how much the guy cares for me and that he isn't just lusting after me and wants to get something.  These kisses don't involve so much passion, but they're filled with a softer, deeper, sweeter emotion of love.  Although a really awesome french kiss may leave me breathless, it's these sweet, loving kisses that truly leave me weak in the knees.

Those are a few of my personal rules and feelings about kissing and what makes a good or bad kisser.

Going back to the no lizard tongue kissing...it's easy to recognize a bad kisser when the next person you kiss is a great kisser. My first kiss with Kirk was perfect.  Everything about it, from the way he hesitated before going in to the way he cradled the back of my neck with his hand was perfect.  The stark difference between his kisses and Aaron's kisses made kissing Kirk all that much more pleasant.  Going from kissing someone who's style of kissing was, um, unique, to Kirk was amazing.  On top of a great first kiss, that guy (Kirk) knows how to kiss a lady.  He knows how to send shivers down my spine.  He knows how to make me go to sleep at night all dreamy and silly over a kiss.

He does a few things I can't get enough of.  After a few minutes of kissing, when things start to heat up a bit, he entwines his fingers in my hair and pulls on it.  It sounds so weird to type it out, but in the moment, it's super hot.  He moans softly into a kiss and pulls me in closer.  We'll stop kissing and he'll take a step back, take a deep breath, smile and say, "Wow!"  Yeah, Kirk, I feel that way, too.

Kirk and I haven't been kissing that much lately, simply because we're spending more time getting to know each other by talking and doing activities.  But when we do exchange a kiss, it's a reaffirmation to me that this guy and I have mad physical chemistry.  He notices the things that I like and makes sure I know what he likes.  He kisses with care and passion, but with ease and skill.

I've kissed some skilled guys in my life, but Kirk takes the cake.  If you want to know what a good kisser is like, you'll have to kiss Kirk.  Oops!  Sorry, Ladies.  That man is spoken for.  ;)

What do you think makes a good kisser?

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."  

The List

I made a list the other day of things I love about Kirk.  It started just because I was trying to see how well I know him and what kinds of things attract me to him but then it ended up being pages in my journal of silly things, like the way his hand fits in mine.  Okay, it wasn't just silly things, there were serious things, but it ended up being a lot more than I initially thought.

Kirk and I've been talking a bit over the last couple days about our relationship.  He apologized for being kind of MIA this past week and I apologized for letting crazy get the better of me a couple of times.  While we were talking we both brought up that we think we're a little too into the physical aspect of the relationship and we need to take some time to allow the emotional side to develop more.

While I feel like there's been a bit of a disconnect between myself and Kirk this week, I also think that we've had a breakthrough.  We were both feeling the same thing, but we didn't bring it up until it was something that had been seriously weighing on both of our minds.  And he's right, we have been very physical, spending a lot of time kissing and cuddling, but now we've transitioned into spending more time talking and learning more about one another.

The list I made about Kirk solidifies any doubt I may have had about the depth of our relationship.  I know plenty about him and I really admire the type of man he is.  I won't take back what I said before about him being the kind of man I want to marry.  Kirk is fantastic.

I am so caught up in everything that is him.  He might very well be the best thing to happen to me.

All girls have a little crazy in them

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree"

W. C. Fields

It's a fact of life: all females have a little crazy in them.  We've been built to have constant fluctuation of hormones, meaning the crazy could come bursting out at any moment.  We cry, we are passionate, we get angry of petty things, and we definitely over think nearly everything that crosses our path.  

I've found myself in a quandary.  Everything with Kirk thus far has been roses and daisies, so much to the fact that when I'm with him I have to take the time to repeat in my head, "Leslie, this is real.  Kirk is real and he's really here with you, wanting to hold you and be with you.  IT'S REAL!!!!"  It's crazy, I tell you, just how amazing this whole summer has been.  I was telling a friend about how Kirk and I met and came to be and she said, "Oh my gosh, Leslie.  This sounds like something straight out of a movie.  I want to live your life!" I'm not sure she wants to live my life, since this is only one summer, but it is pretty great.

Except that Kirk isn't a texter.  He's very much an in-person kind of person.  He'll text me a bit and we'll exchange light conversation, but he's not the kind of guy who'll text me nonstop all the time just trying to talk to me more.  I've gotten kind of used to that treatment from other guys, but it's a little refreshing to have time that is just mine, not always hanging onto my phone waiting for a response.  

However, here is my quandary: these past few days I haven't heard much from Kirk at all.  He hasn't sent me texts asking how my day is going, nor asking if I'd like to see him that evening.  He hasn't responded to half the questions I've asked him.  He's all but disappeared since Sunday.  I'm trying really, really, really hard to not go into panic mode and overload him with crazy needy texts, but it's hard!  This is when my crazy comes out!

I'm too used to guys who are in the picture for x amount of time and then they bail, leaving me hanging for some sort of explanation as to why I don't deserve a proper let down.  I know Kirk is different.  I know he has a lot going on at work and with his family this week.  I know he's probably tired from traveling over the weekend.  These are perfectly legit excuses as to why I've hardly seen or heard from him, I know that!  But is it really too hard to say you're busy or going to bed early?  A text like that takes about fifteen seconds to write and send.  No big deal.  

Ugh.  I don't want to freak out.  I will not freak out.  I won't let myself believe he's like those other flakey guys I've dated.  I won't believe that he has an ounce of douche baggery in him until I have hard evidence, not just a few days of neglect.  

I'm still a little bit crazy. Thanks for reading my venting rant.

Too soon?

Here's a question for you: How soon is too soon to drop the "L" word in a relationship?  Or mention marriage?

In my previous relationships I don't remember how long it took for myself or my significant other to tell the other that they loved them. I wish I remembered, but somehow it evades me. Regardless of when we said it or who said it first, I know that I didn't really feel real love for those guys, I just said it because that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship and I thought I was in love. Maybe I was, at least to some degree... Anyway, now that I'm dating Kirk (we're official-yay!!!) I haven't known how intensely he's feeling about me other than that he's wanted to be with me all the time. Thats a good sign, right?

I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that I already know he's the kind of man I want to marry and that I probably wouldnt hesitate to say "Yes!!!" if he asked me tomorrow to marry him. It's a terrifying feeling to know so soon in a relationship the potential that he possesses. Yet at the same time, it feels different and it feels right, moreso than it's ever felt with any guy before. I feel a deep connection and admiration for the man he is. There's so many things about him that are mature and grown up, very well put together. The one thing that melts me more than anything else is that he is so incredibly kind and aware of those around him. His level of concern for the happiness of those around him is quite high and I like that.

I love that Kirk is a hard worker, that he has a kind heart, and that he is laid back and fun. Also, he's really handsome. Every time I look at him I think, "Awww yeah, that's my super hot boyfriend." I want to spend all my time with him and I can't wait until we're up at school together where there's not a couple of cities between us, making the time we see each other less. There are all these awesome things about Kirk and I know he's got a lot of potential. When is it appropriate to bring up love? Or marriage?

My biggest fear with him right now is that I'll finally mention to him that I'd be okay marrying someone like him--I wouldn't go so far as to tell him I want to marry him. That's definitely too much too soon,but I don't think it'll be too much to say I would marry someone like him...--and that it will freak him out and he'll hightail it out of this relationship without looking back. In a way I know it's kind of irrational for me to think that he's going to leave as suddenly as most of the guys I've dated or been interested in, but that's what I'm used to. I want so badly to hint to him that I think he's wonderful and I'm hopeful he thinks the same of me, but I don't want to scare him off by bringing it up too soon in our relationship.

Less than a month in is probably too soon. But then again, some couples 'round the Rexburg parts get engaged this soon in their relationship... As for saying "I love you", I've decided to let him take the lead on that one.  I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting for him to say he loves me.

 Kirk really is the best.

Friends, Rexburgians, Countrymen...

I had this blogpost all written and ready to go, but one wrong tap of a button on my smartphone and the whole thing was gone.  Not a single word of the paragraphs and paragraphs I had written was saved.  It was one of those dramatic moments when I looked at my phone and wanted to yell, "NOooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!" then chuck it against the wall.

Do you know how long it takes to write a long blogpost, let alone one on a smartphone?  Forever.  That's how long.

Fear not, dear readers.  I got my laptop fixed and we are back in business.

A few big things have happened.
One: I recently downsized my letter box and in the process I ended up tossing every letter Tyson ever wrote me.  While I was gathering them all up, there was a slight pang of temptation to crack open those suckers and read them, but after glancing over just one of the letters, I decided I didn't really want to.  In the trash with all of them.  The funny thing is, after I dumped them in the garbage, I didn't even feel bad.  There wasn't a hint of regret or desire to dig them out.  There wasn't sadness or anything.  I felt like I was just getting rid of old receipts or some other scratch paper that doesn't matter.  I've come a long way.  Tyson doesn't bother me anymore.  Just a person of the past.  Now he's just somebody that I used to know.

You're welcome for putting that song in your head.  HA!

Two:  Kirk.  This is really why you're reading my blog.  You want to know what happened with the guy who made me see fireworks.  Well let me tell you, things are going well.  For the first time in my college years I feel like I'm being treated with respect.  I feel like he goes out of his way to be a gentleman and he doesn't mind it.  His mother and father taught him well.  I can't help but get all giddy when I see his name pop up on my phone, even a couple weeks into it.

It sounds so cheesy to be gushing so much about chivalrous behavior, but it's something I've been looking for.  I think that when I was with guys like Tyson and even when I liked Isaac I had allowed my mother's constant, "Leslie, let him come to you.  Let him show you that he wants you." go in one ear and out the other because I was so convinced that men are all pansies and if I were to listen to her I'd be doomed to live life forever alone.  I had to be the go-getter because the guys were not go-getting me and I wanted someone RIGHT THEN.  It took effort, but being a go-getter is exactly what I didn't do with Kirk.  As hard as it was, I allowed him to step up to the plate and make the big moves (except for when I held his hand, but I think that's okay...)  

Girls. It's paid off big.  The difference in the guys who would make me come around and vie for their attention all the time were stupid boys.  Kirk is a man, a man who knows how to be a gentleman.  We should all want gentlemen, not boys.  They're the ones who you see holding their love's hand at the park when their old.  They're the ones who open the car door for their daughters and give up their seat on the bus for the elderly woman.  These are the ones we should be holding out for.