Remember the ice skating date I went on a couple weeks ago? His name is Ethan and he and I have gotten together a few more times to watch movies and go hot tubbing. I really enjoy spending time with him because it reminds me a little of when I would hang out with Aiden all the time. I miss having a guy friend I can just chill with!
Ethan and I have been talking for about a month now and I've pretty much decided that it's a friendship because I don't feel any sort of attraction beyond friendship and that's the same vibe he's been giving off. We text a bit, chill, and then call it night. No pressure, no NCMOs, just enjoyment of each other's company.
Last night he came over to go hot tubbing and continue watching a movie series we started together. I had just gone on a hike and I was exhausted, so after the hot tub I got dressed in basketball shorts and a band T-shirt because I just didn't care. I don't need to impress Ethan. He knows I can dress nice and be cute, but I just wanted to be comfortable and relax. Don't get me wrong, I didn't look like a hot mess, I just wasn't my normal presentable self.
We grabbed In-N-Out and ate it while we started the movie. I can't even express how nice it was to have a relaxing night in with a friend. Aiden has moved back to California with his wife, who just had a baby a week ago, and I know I won't ever be able to hang out with him again like we used to and I miss that. Even if you're not interested in the guy, it's nice to have a friend you don't need to worry about anything with. It's nice to just be around someone instead of being alone.
During the movie I was texting with Derek, who is still in the picture. The guy is hilarious and I have a hard time not talking to him all the time. At one point I was sending a quick flirty response to Derek when all of the sudden Ethan bridged the gap between us and grabbed my hand. He laced his fingers with mine and continued watching the movie. Ummm what?! I though we had friendzoned each other!
I didn't really know how to react, so I just let it happen. He didn't try anything else, he didn't scoot over so we could snuggle, he just held my hand. He held my hand and it made me sad. Here is a guy who is cute and interesting and taking things slow, but I know deep down that even if I wanted to date him, I couldn't do it. I can't bring myself to get involved with someone who doesn't have a testimony of the church. I can't take the risk of falling in love with someone who can't spend eternity with me. I know they say "use it as a missionary opportunity! Flirt to convert!" But I know the heart ache of falling for someone who doesn't believe. Ethan doesn't even know if God exists, which is something I know and I hold dear to my heart.
After the movie Ethan hugged me goodbye and left. He sent me a post date text (since I s'pose that was a date) and asked to see me again soon. I don't want to hurt him, but I know I have to friendzone him and I have to do it soon.
Finally a good guy and I can't allow myself to be with him.
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