None of It Matters Anymore

I have several different posts started about dating, tinder, and hooking up with a friend's roommate in the back of my car, but I can't seem to finish any of them. I've become so incredibly distracted that none of that stuff seems to even matter and it's all because of a guy named Derek.

Derek graduated from BYUI a couple semesters before I did. We didn't even know the other existed at that time and we remained completely unaware of each other until about a year ago. We're both avid twitter users and, somehow, we ended up following each other. I didn't think much about it, especially since Derek lived in Florida and that's pretty far away. We would go through these phases where we'd talk a ton but then we'd stop for a while, only occasionally commenting on each other's tweets and exchanging movie titles for the other to watch (we're both pretty big movie buffs.)

Ever since I moved to Utah I've been in a bit of a rut as far as looking for someone to be with, but not really finding it. I keep ending up with these one night make outs and, let's face it, while those can be really fun, they're not really helping me get anywhere closer to a healthy, normal relationship. I could go on and on about my theories of why I've been making out with so many guys lately, but like I said earlier, it doesn't seem to matter anymore.

Last Fall Derek and I joked about getting married just so we can have our dream kitchen and ever since then it's been a continuous joke. We talk about our kids and how we'll handle fights and whether or not we're going to have dogs. It's in jest, but it's fun to joke around with him. He's the kind of guy who always texts back and doesn't text just one line texts. Some girls aren't into the guy who'll send multiple texts in response, but I dig it! I like that Derek wants to engage in conversation and that he gives it his all. He's always bringing up things that I mentioned forever ago and it feels amazing to have someone actually pay attention to what I'm saying. I get freaking giddy whenever his name pops up on my phone.

So what's a girl in Utah to do when she's falling for a guy she's never met who lives in Florida? Ignore it. That's what I've been doing for months because there's not really much hope for us. But then last week Derek sent me a text telling me he's going to be in Utah next month and he wants to know how much time I want to spend with him so he can plan how long to stay. I can't tell you the flood of emotions that I felt in both my heart and my head. It was like someone released a bomb of bees in my body and every part of me was buzzing with chaos and excitement.

Here's the deal: Derek is coming to Utah next month because he's moving to Texas and he'll be between jobs, so he's taking this opportunity to see family and me. It's like this thing that I've been leaving in far corner of my brain (of my heart?) because I didn't think there was a possibility is becoming real and I've taken it out for the first time to actually handle it and see how it feels. It feels amazing.

Here's a glimpse into the conversation we had last night:

We had just been talking about careers and what we want to do with our lives...
Derek: And I know this is at the end of a long list of ifs, but if we do end up gettin' hitched, I am totally on board for you to have your business. Just sayin.
Me: Even if it's a lot of ifs, it means a lot to me that you're all for it. Thank you.
Derek: But I'm not scrubbing toilets in that joint. Hire a teenager for that! haha
Me: That's why we'll have kids!
Derek: Ooo, good point!
Me: I'll teach you how to help me run the place ;)
Derek: Anything you can teach me, I will gladly learn!
Me: I have a feeling we'll have fun together. 
Derek: Me too. We have a lot in common and things that we can take from each other.
Me: I like you, Derek. It feels weird because I haven't met yo and you seem too good to be true. It scares the hell out of me to care fro someone I haven't met, but I can't help it. I do.
Derek: Yeah, I like you too and it also scares me for the same reason. The whole thing scares me just cause of what's at risk. I mean, we've had to get to really know each other cause we couldn't just pass the time with activities so I think that counts for something but any time you put your heart out there, it has a chance of getting hurt and I've had my heart hurt enough times that it scares me to think about putting it out there again. But, like I said, this has been progressing naturally so I think that counts for something. 
Derek: Just know that I'm gonna have to go gingerly cause pulling my heart out of the chest is a tender ordeal, haha!
Me: I don't want to force you to do or feel anything. I just need to be honest and open about what I feel because, when it comes down to it, that's the only thing I have (a little bit of) control over. I haven't been able to connect with someone the way you and I have connected in a long time and it feels so good.
Derek: I understand. I just wanted to let you know so if there's a time that it seems like I'm retreating, I'm just scared of getting hurt or hurting you. 

I don't know what's going to happen with Derek and I don't know if he's the one for me. I don't know what's going to happen when he comes to visit next month. All I know is I feel like my head is clearer that it's been in a long, long time. I feel so good about the way we talk and the way he listens and tells me things.

I'm looking forward to seeing how things unfold. Maybe 2014 is my year for love.