Waxing Spiritual

Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting older or maybe it's just the giant spike my spiritual life has taken over the past six months, but I feel like I need to post something a bit spiritual.

When I was in high school there was a combined young men/young women lesson one Sunday that my Dad, who was the bishop at the time, gave on bearing your testimony. He said something that's stuck with me. He said that bearing a testimony is meant for bearing truth, for telling people what you know to be true. What if you don't know it? You tell people what you believe to be true. What if you don't really know if you believe it's true? You tell people what you hope to be true. I can't pinpoint what it is about this know, believe, hope thing, but it's something that constantly comes back into my mind when I think about where I stand with the Church.

I've had a testimony of the Gospel for several years. I've felt love from my Heavenly Father, I've been to the temple and felt undeniable feelings of truth, I've cried while praying. I have a testimony of the Church. But it wasn't until about the past six months when I've had these huge spititual experiences, most of them linked with the hardest trials I've been through, when I realized the value of having a testimony and the value of understand your worth in the sight of God. I understand how sometimes the Lord allows us to stumble through darkness, to be cut to the core with pain, to date people who aren't right for us. In the moment things suck big time, you feel alone, abandoned, searching for something that doesn't seem to be there for you, heart aching with every breath, but in hindsight you see how the Lord was there all along, hands outstretched, catching you when you fell.

I used to not be the kind of girl who would talk about God and personal spiritual experiences unless it was to make a comment in Sunday school. I can't help it now. I talk to my dad, to Sammie, to Bethany, to whoever will listen. I have this desire to share the hope, the belief, the knowledge that I've been blessed with. Not to the point that it's annoying, but just so other people feel our Father's love.

I know God has a plan for me. I don't fear the future, I don't fear turning 24 and not having a husband or even a boyfriend. I know I'm doing what the Lord wants me to be doing. He knows me. He knows you. He's there, waiting for you to turn to him. Take heart, friends. We are not alone. We are loved.

The Good Around Me

At the beginning of the month, right around the time I ran into Kirk, I met someone. It was a brief meeting, he's a friend of a friend. On my way through the library with a friend we ran into the guy she's been sort of dating and his friend. We stopped and chatted briefly then went on our way. A few days later I got a text from a random number saying it was the friend of the guy. I'll be honest, I didn't remember who he was. Our meeting was so very brief that he hadn't crossed my mind, especially because all my thoughts were consumed with Kirk and what second chances could mean.

His name is Cameron and he is a mega flirt. Not only does he text me ALL the time, he's constantly flirting. I got kind of annoyed with him because I had major tunnel vision going on with Kirk and I think I was a little rude.  You know how sometimes when you talk to someone and you're asking question after question after question and all you're getting are really brief, to-the-point answers you kind of get the picture? I was the one answering the questions. Eventually I got so fed up with fending off his blatant flirting that I told him I was thinking about giving my ex a second chance. You'd think that would be enough to deter a fellow, but not Cameron. He stopped texting me for a weekend and then came back swinging on Tuesday with, "You didn't forget about me, did you? ;)"

At first I felt that pang of annoyance. "This guy again? Doesn't he know when enough is enough? We study in the same place yet he hasn't had the balls to come talk to me in person yet. Give it up, champ!" But then my heart softened. Cameron is a guy I hadn't spoken to face to face other than a brief introduction and I was doing my hardest to deter his advances. Freaking Kirk was in my head, makin me turned off to the idea of anyone else. It was pathetic. So I started being nice, encouraging conversation. This past week we've spent about an hour studying side by side in the library. Albeit a bit awkward, considering my coldness and his outright flirting. Here's a guy who wants to take me to nice restaurants in Idaho Falls. He wants to get out of the apartment and do things.

I'm not saying I'm going to date Cameron, I'm not sure that I'm attracted to him like that, I'm just saying that I've been acting like a B. I've been so wrapped up in something clearly bad for me (sorry for ignoring your advice. I'm stupid and ignorant) that I haven't noticed the other things have been happening. There are good things going for me and I've been too busy shutting them out.

Open your eyes, Leslie. You're too selfish. Get out of your head and look around. Give people chances, show more love, be more exciting. You've got this.

My Jam

I never liked this song until I heard it on Glee (I'm pretty anti-Rhianna. Have you heard her S&M song? I never liked her before that song, but then I really started to loathe her) and with the situation with Kirk being what it is, it's even more fun to belt out now. Enjoy!

His Hand

I still haven't heard from Kirk. I'm curious, I find myself wondering occasionally if he's going to come around and text me, but for the most part I don't think about him. For the most part, I've been happier this week than I have since Kirk kissed me. The week between kissing him and deciding to let him go was crucial.

I'm okay. I'm better off. Whoever it was who left the comment saying Kirk doesn't deserve me, thank you. You affirmed what I've been feeling. I deserve so much more than a mediocre relationship, and that's all Kirk is capable of providing because his own insecurities and worries hold him back. If I can't be important enough to pay attention to, there's no point in staying with him. I won't go back, no matter how appealing he may seem if he finally comes around and apologizes and asks for another shot.

I can't describe to you the love I have felt this week from my Heavenly Father. He knows me. He knows what I deserve. He knows what I can handle and what I can't. There are certain moments in my life that will stand out as being ones where I felt His unconditional love and this week was one of them. I've had many conversations with friends this week about the way The Lord helps you through trials an how He expresses His love. I am in awe at the revelation of His hand reaching down to lift me up and the way the Spirit encourages me.

Gospel is true, guys.

Happy Sabbath!

A bunch of ish

When you're into someone, all you want to do is talk to them, see them, kiss them, hug them, talk to them. You do crazy things like staying up until 4am to text them, make an effort to see them at any time possible. You blow off that 5 page paper you have due the next day until 12AM because you want to spend as much time as you can. That's what you do when someone is on your mind and you can't get it off them. 

Kirk doesn't do this. For a week or so he put forth an effort, he texted me all the time, he sent me flirty pictures, he tried to see me. And then he didn't. He stopped responding to texts, he became virtually unreachable. For the weekend while he was gone I allowed it, I justified that he was busy with family. He came back and told me the next day that it had been a rough weekend, which I understand. He's got some big things happening in his family that I can sympathize with. However, I have things happening, too.

On Monday night my Dad called me and told me he's considering getting remarried (long story) and it's to someone completely unexpected. I'm not sure how to take the news, I'm confused, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm overwhelmed with all these different feelings. Kirk's been through a similar situation while he was a teenager and I went to him for advice. However, I requested that we speak in person. I don't want to talk about serious things over text. Texting is a handicap and I just DON'T want to talk about this over text. Understandable, right? 

Apparently not for Kirk. "What's up?" He asked me. "I don't want to talk about it over text. Can we talk after your class tonight?"  No response. The next morning I tried to start a conversation, no response. That night I asked him what was wrong. No reponse.  

You know what? I'm not going to do this again. I'm not going to sit around being miserable while waiting for Kirk to take his sweet time being 'busy' and 'stressed' and 'confused'. That's not how someone who wants a second chance acts. That's not something I'm going to put up with. I deleted his number, I cried a little (honestly, I'm so tired of being so emotional and crying all the time), I read my patriarchal blessing, and I prayed really, really hard. And then I felt better. I've been in a great mood all day today and I feel spectacular.

Tangent: Why I hate PMS

I first heard this song when I was probably 13. My Dad put this song on a mix he made for Mom (he's a funny man). It's pretty funny when you hear it, you chuckle and agree with it. But when it comes down to it, PMS really sucks. Like, really sucks. I can't even describe to you the rollercoaster I go on every month. IT SUCKS. There's always pain involved, I get horrific cramps that keep me up all night and then my back starts hurting so badly that sometimes I feel like I must have an alien in my abdomen, getting ready to burst my spine open.

Even worse that the physical pain are the emotional ups and downs. Some months aren't that bad and I'm able to keep it together, other months I feel completely trashed by the time I'm finished PMSing. My sister likes to tell the story of when I was about 13 and I borrowed some of her bobby pins. "You can use them, Leslie, as long as you put them back when you're done." I burst into tears and blubbered, "All I want to do is use some of your bobb-b-b-y p-p-piinnssss" and then she looked at me like I was crazy.

This weekend has been one of those weekends. Bethany and I walked out of our apartment yesterday to go to Wal-Mart and I almost started weeping because it was so bright and sunny. I don't know why I felt like crying, but all I could do was hold the tears at bay and say, "It's just so bright outside! I can't open my eyes! I can't see anything!" It's like a freaking handicap. I feel handicapped when I have these overloads of emotions. And it's not just sadness or anger. No, yesterday I went from wanting to weep over sunshine to wanting to makeout RIGHT. THEN. Menstration is something that happens when you're not pregnant. It's your uterus' way of saying, "WHY ISN'T THERE A BABY IN ME?!? YOU ARE TWENTY THREE AND YOU AREN'T PREGNANT. YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HAD SEX YET. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!?!? GO HAVE SOME SEX AND PUT A BABY IN MEEEEEEEE!!!!!" It's terrifying. I can't handle this. I feel like I need to punch something, weep, and make out all within the span of about an hour and then I go through the cycle again, except this time I also have to stuff my face with chocolate. Then I take a nap. OH MY GOSH. It's exhausting being a woman.

Keeping my head on straight in times like these seems impossible, but I think I'm doing a decent job. I haven't killed anyone, I haven't freaked out on Kirk, and I haven't gone out and gotten pregnant.

Gold star for me this month!

Taming the Beast

While driving me home earlier this week, Kirk looked over at me and said, "I'm leaving for Utah this weekend." He paused, waiting for my response. He looked as though he was afraid I was going to be mad. I felt a little bit sad, considering it's a long weekend and I was hoping we'd be able to spent some time together, but I tried to no let it show. He has family that lives overseas and they flew to Utah for the weekend for a visit. Kirk is very family oriented and he's talked a lot about these relatives and how he hasn't seen them in years. I'm happy that he's getting to go see them and spend time, but I'm a little jealous.

Kirk left town on Valentine's Day. Since we're not a couple, no romantic gesture was made on either part. We haven't really talked at all since that night earlier this week. At first is freaked me out and I felt panic creep back into my mind. "What if he's over this? What if he really doesn't want a second chance? What if he leaves and we never talk again? I'm going to fall apart. I'm going to lose it again! I'm so stupid!" I allowed this feeling to dictate my actions and I sent him a text telling him, essentially, that I was losing it. A couple hours later (with no text from Kirk) it dawned on me just how stupid I was acting. I apologized and told him to disgregard everything. I told him I was pushing too much, reading into everything, getting in my head. 

I'm ashamed. I don't like that I allow those moments of fear to rule my mind and my actions. No matter what is going on with Kirk and whether or not he really wants something real, I only have control over myself and my actions. Last Fall I allowed my actions to be dictated by the fear and desperation I felt and, ultimately, I think that did more harm than good. The opposite of faith is fear. The two cannot coexist, it's either one or the other. When I sent that text to Kirk, I made room for the fear. I cannot do that.

Faith is what's going to get me through this, whether it's the faith that this is going to work with Kirk or the faith to know that I'm strong enough to come out okay on the other end if this doesn't work out. 

This weekend is a detox weekend. I know I need time to clear my head about what's going on and see the big picture, so I'm sure Kirk needs to do the same. He's with family and, even at the beginning of last Summer when things were really good with us, he has never been communicative when he's with family. He puts his all into his family. It's one of the things I admire most about him. So while the next few days go on and both Kirk and I don't speak to each other, we'll have time to think about things. 

I won't let the fear creep back in.