Conference Weekend

I promise I'm not dead.

This weekend I went to Utah to spend Conference with my brother and his wife.  It was a great weekend and it was especially great to escape Rexburg for a few days.  Conference was so good.  I came back on such a spiritual high.  I'm sure if the announcement about the age change for sister missionaries had come a couple years ago, I wouldn't have hesitated to turn in my papers.  Now that I'm beyond the former missionary age for sisters, it doesn't seem to be the thing for me.  When I turned 21 I thought and prayed about a mission and the answer came back clear to me: "A mission would be beneficial, but so would going to school and getting an education.  Make a choice."  I made a choice, I chose school.  I don't regret it.

The K situation, as Sammie has been lovingly calling things with Kirk, is still at a standstill.  Some days I feel confident for our future, other days I feel anxious and impatient, unable to see any good in taking a break.  Something I have noticed, however, is that I'm not developing any of those mini crushes I seem to form every semester.  You know what I'm talking about, the little glimmer of hope you feel when you see a cute guy in your class and suddenly you're looking for him every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday as you take your seat.  The guy in your FHE group that makes you smile a lot and you always seem to be sitting by.  I usually have a few of these every semester, but this semester I'm not finding anyone attractive.  It's not that I'm not looking, I can pick out the cute guys in my ward and my classes, but I'm not feeling that spark of, "Maybe one day, in my dreams!"  Everything feels...platonic and flat.

Maybe what I'm feeling is love for Kirk.  Maybe this break is essential for him to get over his commitment issues.  Maybe this is a time when I learn to love so I can later fall in love with someone else.  I don't know what the purpose of this time is, but I do know that it will all work out.  It's hard to see the big picture, but the Lord knows how it will be in the end, so I just have to trust him and know it will work out.