We're Human

For those of you who follow my Twitter you may already know that on Sunday I said it was Kirk's make it or break it day.  I had previously made plans to spend the afternoon with him that day per his request, but he stood me up, without even a text or a phone call to explain his behavior.  I've struggled with communication with Kirk before, but this kind of was the last straw.


I tried desperately to get him to talk to me, to tell me whether or not he was going to bail on our plans.  I tried texting, I tried calling.  To put it plainly, I was flat out obnoxious in trying to get a hold of him, all with no avail.  Sunday came and went with not so much as a peep from Kirk.  I was furious.  I was ready to hunt him down and yell at him.  I had a speech prepared in my head, I had a thing or two I wanted to say.  That is not the way you treat someone you care about.  That's not the way to treat anyone period!  Regardless of whether or not Kirk and I are dating, I should at the very least merit a text saying, "Hey Leslie, I'm really sorry I can't make it tonight.  We'll reschedule soon, okay?"  It takes all of what, thirteen seconds, to send a text like that?  Yeah, I'm sure Kirk has time enough in his hectic, busy schedule to send me a brief explanation.  But he didn't.

Of course by the end of the night on Sunday I felt a bit remorseful for having bombarded him with texts and phone calls, so I sent him a huge text apologizing for being crazy.  I felt a little bit in the wrong, which let's face it, I kind of was.  I can't justify my actions completely by saying Kirk's inability to communicate makes me crazy.  It makes me crazy, but I also lack the ability to control myself.  I felt bad for letting the crazy take control.  Sometimes I just can't help it!  Crazy is ingrained in me, I can't always control the crazy.  It's a curse.

I didn't hear from Kirk until Monday morning, when he sent me a lengthy apology, explaining he was super busy the previous day and he felt really bad for ditching me.  While I appreciated the apology, he still didn't own up to not telling me what was going on that day.  Being busy isn't a excuse for not canceling our plans.
On Wednesday we got together for lunch.  By that time all the heat I felt on Sunday had completely depleted, so Kirk didn't get the big blow up I had envisioned in my mind.  Instead it was really pleasant.  I really enjoyed  being around him, laughing about funny things our roommates do and sharing homework horror stories.  I think I've mentioned this before, but Kirk has a way of making everything bad go away.  As soon as I'm looking in his beautiful blue eyes, I lose all sense of angst and irritation that I used to feel and I'm okay with everything.  It's awful because I can't ever articulate properly how sad I feel sometimes.  It's great because I finally feel alright and things are well in the world.  When I'm with Kirk, it's amazing.

I apologized to him for being crazy, but told him I need a little action from him.  I need him to not ignore me.  I need him to communicate.  He doesn't think I'm crazy (which I think is a bold faced lie.  How can anyone not think I've got a few screws loose when I freak out the way I do?) and he feels bad about the way he acts.  He says he still wants to date me, it's something he still sees happening in the future.  I told him I don't want to wait anymore.  I want to date him now.  If he doesn't want to date now, he needs to let me know.  If he's waiting for school to slow down to date around and get that experience out of the way, I'm going to be waiting all semester.  He needs to make a decision now.  

I don't want to give up on Kirk.  I don't want to lose all the hope and happiness he brings to my life.  True, I feel distraught when things aren't going well and he falls short in the communication department, but when things are good, they are so good.  He's human, he's flawed.  I'm human, I'm flawed.  Maybe we can work this out, his flakiness and my craziness.  Maybe.  

I hope so.