First the Hare, Now the Tortise

Listening to someone talk about what they are looking for in a relationship and what they would like to do differently than they did in past relationships is eye opening. It causes me to reflect on my relationships and what I've done and what I'd like to do differently. 

I've been hasty and anxious and overbearing. I've been looking for someone to swoop into my life and fix all my problems and fill all the empty holes in my soul. But is that really what I need? Or how I need to act? I read old journal entries and blog entries and I get sick over how needy I've been in the past. How can I expect someone to want to be with me when I can't take care of myself and be happy alone? 

In the months since Braden and I broke up, I've really taken time to evaluate myself. I've done some really deep soul searching and I've spent a lot of time talking with God, expressing all this sadness and resentment and self loathing that I hadn't previously acknowledged. It's all been part of the process of getting back to myself. I've been able to start 2015 feeling like myself. 

I haven't been worrying about dating, I haven't been worrying about where I'm going to find The One or if I'm good enough. It's been time to just focus on me and what I need to do to be who I need to be. Colton showing up has been such a pleasant surprise, but also one that has scared me. I don't want to be the girl who clings to a man to feel validated. I know I don't need to do that. So I'm taking my time. I'm in no rush to get married, or even acknowledge that it's a possibility. 

Colton is really wonderful. He's not without his faults and he's taken his time with telling me about them, but he's told me and he's been an open book. We've had some pretty in depth talks this week which has been a great for us, but we also know we don't want to rush into things and be blinded by the excitement of a new relationship.

Things are going well with Colton. I hope it continues this way, slow but steady.

A Whole Effing Warehouse

I don't know about you, but there are only so many bad relationships that I can take before I stop looking for my happy ending. To say I'm a little jaded is an understatement. These past couple weeks I've had some in depth conversations with friends and family about my relationship with Braden. I look back on the relationship, which was very much a whirlwind and all happened so fast, and I realize that I was blind to so many things.

Braden had a lot of issues. Like, shelves of issues of National Geographic reaching back years and years. A hoarder of issues, you could say. Except instead of being the kind of hoarder who keeps their house filled with things, he is the type who rents a storage unit to fill with issues so no one knows how bad it really is. I never saw the storage unit, I only heard mention of it. It wasn't until I was months out of the relationship that I could clearly see that the storage unit wasn't just a unit, but an entire effing warehouse. A WAREHOUSE OF ISSUES! 

I can't believe I was so blind. It makes me sick to think that I thought I loved someone that manipulative and secretive. So how do I go forward with Colton when I know what people are capable of hiding? How do I build trust in someone? I don't know yet. 

For now I keep telling myself that slow is the key. Yes, I've already kissed Colton. Yes, I get all sappy and doe eyed when someone mentions him, but that doesn't mean I'm in love or ready to be in a relationship. I'm infatuated and that's okay. I'm two weeks into this thing with Colton and already I can see that I'm handling it differently than I did with Braden. 

I want to be able to trust someone and let them in. I want to be able to fall in love and not be terrified of having my heart destroyed. I would like to believe that happily ever after does exist, but it's really hard to see it right now. I've got my fingers crossed that Colton and I are able to continue at the pace we're going. No pressure to be something defined right away, no pressure to be each other's soulmate. 

Aren't things supposed to happen naturally? 

2015

Do you really want to know what happened with Chad? We went on several dates and I've never been so bored in my entire life. But you know what? I kept going out with him because everyone kept saying, "It just takes time! Give it one more date!" He kissed me before I went home for Christmas. He wasn't a terrible kisser, but it didn't make up for the fact that he had nothing to say. I've never met someone who was so uninteresting and uninterested, yet still came around asking for dates. In fact, when I finally told him we couldn't keep seeing each other unless it was as friends, he said "Do you think there's potential to be more?" When I told him no, he continued to ask when he could see me and saying things like, "I don't know how may more days I can go without seeing your face!" Sorry, dude. That's not enough to float a relationship on. There has to be something substantial otherwise it'll crumble. Not for me, thanks.

I went on a date right after New Year's with a guy from Tinder. He asked if I wanted to get dinner and, having low expectations but nothing going on that weekend, I accepted. His name is Colton, he's from the east coast, he went to BYUI, and he works full time. He's almost 30, active in the church, and pretty successful. I was expecting to have an awkward dinner with an awkward guy. His photos on tinder were decent, but he looked a little awkward. 

Was dinner awkward? Not at all. Was Colton awkward? Not at all. We talked effortlessly about our families, school, life in Provo. He told me about his illustrating and we talked a bit about ComicCon. We talked about movies and one that's playing came up. He asked if I would like to see it sometime and I agreed enthusiastically. I didn't know he meant that night! He looked up show times and we finished dinner quickly so we could make it. I usually don't like going to movies on a first date, but it was spontaneous and we slipped in a comment to each other here and there. 

Two days later we went out again. He asked me if I wanted to cuddle and at the end of the night he said, "Would it be too forward if I kissed you?" We kissed and it was wonderful. I've been engulfed in this surprising fairy tale that is Colton. We've been out twice more since then.  

I don't want to lose my head over this just yet. I don't know Colton very well yet but I do know that I've been very happily surprised by his appearance. So here's to the future and here's to a better year. Whatever happens with Colton is just another chapter in my book. We'll see how long it's meant to be.