The Truth About Loneliness

The Truth About Loneliness

I've had a lot of thoughts these past few weeks, especially in relation to Braden and his impact on my life and my spiritual situation. I've been trying to put my finger on something that I know is significant, but I haven't been able to figure out what it is. Today I was sitting in sacrament meeting during the passing of the sacrament and I was praying. I was praying to God and thanking him for everything I could think of, for the kindness of my bishop, for the atonement of Christ, and for His love that I've been feeling more abundantly now than I have since moving to Provo. During this prayer it hit me; I finally knew what it was that I had been trying to figure out. 

I now know why I was so infatuated with Braden and why I was so blind to the severity of my situation and to all the red flags. I've been lonely ever since I moved to Utah. Because of this loneliness, I've been depressed. I've been longing for friendship and the intimacy that comes with having people know you, but I spent my whole first year here looking in the wrong place for someone to fill that void.

When I first moved to Provo, as you know, I ended up kissing a LOT of guys. I formed these superficial, lustful relationships that ended up being fleeting. They momentarily filled the need I have to be close to people and left me feeling worse than before after they ended. This made me desperate. I searched harder to find someone to eliminate my loneliness, which drove me to act in ways that I know I shouldn't have. 

Braden came into my life right after I had moved to my very own apartment, sans roommates. I was working two jobs, which included working on Sundays. I wasn't as involved in my ward as I wanted to be and I justified not going with being too busy. Then this handsome, fun, kind young man came into my life and he made me feel needed. He called me every day and wanted to talk to me about his life and rely on my advice in times of trial. He slipped so quickly and easily into that void I had that I didn't even notice how poisonous his presence was for my spirit. His sweet words and comforting kiss masked the darkness he brought with him.

As our relationship progressed, I felt consumed with it. It became my life and I threw myself into it completely, without abandon. Braden needed fixing and caring for and I needed someone to care for and fix. I felt as though he gave me purpose and he was ridding me of the heavy feeling of being alone. But the cure for loneliness isn't to attach yourself to the first person who comes into your life. 

I know I saw red flags. I wanted to make other friends in order to feel more fulfilled, but Braden didn't like that. He didn't like when I chose to spend time with my one good girlfriend in Utah. He guilt tripped me when I voiced concern about our physical relationship. He made me feel as though my opinion didn't matter and that I was in the wrong for thinking it did. 

I refused to accept that things weren't the way I wanted them to be! I was stubborn and convinced myself that it was better to pretend to be happy with Braden than it was to be alone. I had spent so much time being depressed and miserable while being alone that I was settling for a relationship that was ruining me. 

Ever since Braden and I broke up and I started working with my bishop to get back where I need to be, I've had my eyes opened. Loneliness is a powerful tool of Satan. He uses it as a door to sneak in undetected. He will break you down with it. But it doesn't have to be that way! Loneliness isn't something you HAVE to be afflicted with, especially within the church. If you're lonely, get out there and make friends! Don't expect friends to come find you, because nothing in life happens if you're passive. 

Make things happen. Get out of your lonely hole and find happiness. Don't become complacent with being lonely and let it drive you to self destructive behavior. 

The truth about loneliness is this: you are in control. You can change your situation. Don't settle for loneliness, DEMAND happiness!