I wish I could tell you that this post is all about how great my relationship with Braden is going and how in love we are. Unfortunately, that's not a thing anymore. My relationship with Braden ended about three weeks ago (actually, exactly three weeks ago) and I have to say that since it ended everything has changed.
Things started out great with Braden! I felt infatuated and, like I said, our communication level was off the charts and I adored that I had a man who wanted to talk to me about things. But what happens when the honeymoon phase ends? What happens when you start to see how things really are? Braden is bipolar and that presented a large trial. However, I'm a fixer and I tend to do everything in my power to fix broken men. Yeah, yeah, I know this is a bummer trait. Hopefully I get over my need to fix things...
Anyway, after our relationship ended I started to realize that everything about our relationship was about Braden and my trying hard to please him. I bent over backwards to make him at ease about all his doubts. I spent a ton of money to make his birthday memorable and fun. He would say things that hurt my feelings, but I buried it all down and acted like I was okay because I wanted him to be happy. Hell, I even started to like his dog even after he chewed my favorite sweater to shreds (and I don't like dogs..) Sometimes you don't realize how much you're neglecting yourself until everything you've been putting your effort into dissolves around you.
I have a confession and it's not one that I'm proud of. Like I said before, Braden isn't all that active, though with my encouragement he's been more active this past month than he has been in the past decade. This year hasn't been great for me and my testimony. I've always had one, but I allowed myself to lose track of things for a while and Braden was a big influence on that. He and I allowed ourselves to go a lot farther than I ever thought I would go before marriage. Details aside, there came a time when we knew we had to stop and backtrack and talk to our bishops. After we did that, things changed a ton. Braden didn't feel like he connected with me and he kept bringing up the fact that his ex girlfriend would have continued doing things with him and that always made me feel like crap. But I've justify things because he would end up saying, "But I know what we're doing is the right thing, it's just hard." Well, dude, it's even harder with your guilt trip constantly haunting me!
Ultimately that's what ended our relationship. Braden missed his ex and he decided that, despite quitting his job and moving to Provo from Salt Lake for me, he wanted to just be friends. He sat in my car rambling for half an hour about all this "You're my best friend, but I don't feel attracted to you" "I want to spend my life with you, but I'm just not sure" "I'm not over my ex, I guess." "Maybe we can just take some time apart? But I still want to see you"crap and I just sat there silently. I expected to feel sad, but instead I felt angry. I was furious with Braden for coming into my life, making me feel like he cared, bringing me down to his not-so-spiritual level, and then spouting off all that crap after a really great date. HELL NO!
Long story short, the night ended with us breaking up and I went inside and had a good cry. But then I felt relief! I felt a sense of freedom. That's when it dawned on me that I was neglecting myself and was drowning myself with Braden's issues. That's when I realized that I needed to make some huge changes in my life, starting with moving on from that disaster of a relationship.
Braden spent the next week begging me to see him, to give him another chance, to let him take me out and start over. I put my foot down. It's about damn time I stand up for myself and put an end to bad relationships. After much crying, yelling, throwing things across my lawn, and slamming doors, Braden and I finally came to the amicable conclusion that we have nothing else to offer each other in a relationship. And things are okay. I'm okay.
Relationships are a fantasy world. When you're infatuated with someone, you don't see how things really are. I'm pretty good at burying the red flags I see because my optimism wants to believe things will work out. My optimism is my blessing and my curse. But it's time for me to man up and get my shit together.
Although this is a hard position to be in, working with my bishop has been the blessing I need to rediscover myself. I feel like all the advice he's given me is God's way of showing me He knows me and knows what I need as well as what I want. He is guiding me in the direction I've been wanting to go for months, but have lacked the motivation.
This is when I leave my fantasy world and accept my reality. I'm a single 25 year old girl living in Provo, Utah. I'm not where I thought I would be at this point of my life and I'm not upset. I'm getting things in order and I'm on my way back to who I know God wants me to be and who I really am.
I'm okay.
