Tuesday and the big 180

I woke up on Tuesday morning knowing exactly what was going to happen that day.

I'm not sure if I had some sort of wild dream the night before that sparked this, but here was the plan that was hatched in the cold, wee hours of Tuesday morning:  While on campus, I was going to casually drop by Kirk's study area, request an audience with him (more like demand he come with him), get him in a deserted hallway and then kiss the heck out of him.  I was going to kiss him SO good he would forget how to breathe, think, speak.  It was going to be hot.  I was going to hold him close, our cheeks touching, put my lips against his ear and tell him I wasn't going to wait anymore.  This whole "let's not date right now" thing isn't jiving with me in the least bit.  I'm so done waiting so let's not wait anymore.

I chickened out before I got there.  I was on my way across campus, bundled up in the cutest warm clothes I could rummage up, and I froze, both literally and figuratively.  I was freezing cold and suddenly paralyzed by the thought of going to push myself on this guy who's been telling me one thing, but failing to make his actions match his words.  As much as I want to be with Kirk, I have to have a shred of dignity left in me, enough to try and wait for him to come and show me that that hug goodbye that we shared was a hint towards the future.

I turned around and went home.  When I got home, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and deleted Kirk's number.  I unfollowed him on instagram.

You guys.  I haven't texted Kirk in a week.  But he hasn't texted me in a week.  I never told him that I was going to delete his number, that I was going to really put the ball in his court, I just did it.  He's still doing nothing, sitting oblivious on his side of things.

It hurts.  I miss him, even the little we did get to talk and see each other.

I suppose I have no choice now but to keep on living, beginning down the road of forgetting.

So long, Kirk.  You could have been great.  

Wade In

If you know anything about me by now, it's that I have a hard time letting go of certain guys.  Tyson was one of them, Wade is another.  I don't really post about Wade anymore because there's not much to say other than there's a small piece of me that can't help but get excited when a text from him pops up.  Back in January someone commented advising me to forget Wade, even though I'm in love with him.  I've never really said aloud, even to Matilda, that I'm in love with Wade, but I think there's a part of me that fell so hard for him.

Matilda is here in Rexburg and as a result, Wade is thinking of coming to visit (He's really good friends with her husband.  Also with her, but he and her hubby have a bromance of sorts.)  He's really into hiking, so he wants to go to several different states, including Idaho and Utah, to climb some routes he hasn't gone before.  Wade and I got to talking about the possibility of this visit and that resulted in a ridiculous beyond ridiculous text conversation.  Ye be warned, it goes on for quite awhile...



Wade: I must admit I like the sound of a hiking trip of that caliber. I'll have to see if I can pencil you in in between hikes ;) jkjkhaha

Me: I will hold you hostage if you don't pencil me in.

Wade: Holding me hostage would require catching me. Not to mention I don't flee like most. I climb up! Which could prove difficult catching for those who do not also hike.
Me: Oh, I have my ways. ;)

Wade: Pfffttt... try me... don't challenge me to escape, draw me in instead. I'm much easier to lure in.

Me: I'll lure you in once you're here.

Wade: See... now you know why I said pencil you in! You lure me in when I'm there? Pencil... lure me to goooooo and it gets more sharpie-esque

Me: You'll never want to leave once you get here. ;)

Me: I'm aiming for tattooed in

Wade: Pencil

Me: Tattooed. You'll see. I can be very persuasive. 

 

[Insert a few texts of banter, getting a little more serious]


Wade: I think the only place I'll need to get somewhere to stay is in Idaho. Idaho is the last stop, champ. If I'm not lured into going maybe Salt Lake is a good place to turn around. ;)

Me: You think you can't stay with me?

Wade: Doesn't the honor code apply to you?

Me: No, I'm so far above it I'll even share a bed with you and get away with it. ;)

Wade: Hahaha you're just a joker. There's no way you could pull it off. Yous be schooless before August.

Me: No, I'd just be really sneaky and do it at Matilda's house.

Wade: Hahahaha, I'm a cuddler anyways. Probably would get to you.

Me: You think I'm not aware of your being a cuddler? I enjoy a good cuddle evrey now and then, I wouldn't mind.

Wade: This rebellious side has me intrigued.

Me: I'm very persuasive.

Wade: Still in pencil though... you're gonna have to up your game.

Me: I told you, I have to save some of the mystery. Sharpie it for now and we'll tattoo it later.

Wade: Pencil first. Always.

Me: Yes, pencil for now, Sharpie tomorrow.

[Then I tried to convince him that he doesn't need to go hiking, he could just spend all his time with me, Matilda, and her husband. ]


Wade: Hahaha a hiking trip where I don't hike...doesn't really make sense yeah? Hahaha

Me: No, a hiking trip where you meander on up to Idaho for a couple days to see some dear friends. And maybe hike in Idaho is you find someone experienced to go with you.

Wade: Hahahaha um dear Leslie.... I'm planning a 10 day mancation of hiking and beard growing. There will be hiking.

Me: Fine, there will be hiking, I will allow it. But it can't be a complete mancation, that would just hurt my feelings.

Wade: What the heckk? Why not? I can't mancate?

Me: Mancations don't usually involve making out and I'll tell you now, that's definitely happening.

Wade: Wow... now you're forward. Daring. daringggggg

Me: If I leave that hanging, maybe you'll actually come to Idaho this time.

Wade: I'll move you from one of those pencils to one of those pens with the erasers.

Me: Nah, let's just go with Sharpie. You can't deny that you know making out is a definite possibility

Wade: Hahaha I'm going with BIC eraseable pen until I'm more lured in. And of course a guy would think about it but how am I supposed to know if you're down for that?

Me: Dude, the sleeping in the same bed wasn't enough of a hint for you? Good thing I have the lady balls to say it outright.

Wade: That I took as a joke. You go to BYUI...what am I supposed to think? And your lady balls. Haha I lol'd at that.

Me: What does a girl have to do to lure you into visiting her? Geeze! You make this so hard.

Wade: One...that's what she said. Two.... I didn't say you were doing a bad job. I just need more hahahahaha

Me: I don't follow all the rules. Heck, when I lived at home I spent almost every night at Aiden's house sleeping in his bed with him. I wasn't into him nor he into me, but I was still sleeping in a dude's bed. I'd probably break that rule if you came into town. Special occassion. ;)

Me: You need more than that? So pretty much you want to be told you're going to get laid. You slimeball.

Wade: Hahaha I'm always okay with some rule breaking. After hiking anyways... because I'm so tired after I hike. I usually require companionship.

Wade: What? I never said that! I hope that was you joking! You're going good but I'm just saying I've heard you make awesome treats. You've never said a word about a cooking tutorial, nothing. You know I'm no slimeball.

Me: Of course it was a joke. Don't you know me at all? If you come out to Idaho, I'll give you any kind of cooking tutorial you request. Within reason, of course.

Wade: Haha I just looked back at what that said and it did look bad. That's not what I meant when I said I require companionship.

Me: Hahaha, suuuuuuuure.

Wade: Making out, cooking, and bed cuddlin'. Wow you pulled out some weapons, miss.

Me: Gotta use the big guns for the real deal. Now if only you'd make it Sharpie....

As you can see, it was quite a playful conversation.  I won't believe that he's coming to visit until he's in Rexburg, but I can't help but hope.  I still really would like to see something happen there, I just don't know if I can deal with his flaky personality.  Meh.

Yeah, I still totally like him.
FML.

Why boys and girls can't be friends.

I promised that I would write more and, although I already wrote a post today, I felt as though I needed to write another one.  A venting one.

I don't think I've ever really explained who Aiden is.  He's my best friend.  He got back from his mission in 2010 and, conveniently, lives just a couple blocks from my parents house.  I don't remember becoming good friends with him before his mission, but we did hang out a bit.  Aiden is older than me by several years, but he's cursed, so he says, with a look of youth and handsome features.  I was teenager when I first met him and consequently I was dazzled, like most girls are, when they meet him.  The crush died pretty quickly and has never threatened to return.

Since Aiden got back from his mish, we've become really close.  I spent a lot of my time back at home over at his house watching movies and tv shows in his room.  I'd often fall asleep on his bed (it was like sleeping in my brother's bed, don't freak out), wake up at 5am, then drive home in a daze to sleep a couple hours in my bed.  He vented to me about his frustrations with the girl he was pursuing and I'd tell him what guy I was into.  I once told him about my escapades with Daniel, but he doesn't like Daniel much, so I quickly learned to not mention it at all.

This semester he's out here in Idaho and it's been such a joy having him around.  I was a little nervous to have him out here, since last Fall I think he went a little crazy without me at home and bugged the crap out of me.  I told him I liked Isaac and he flew off the handle, telling me that I don't know what kind of guy I need, that I don't need to go for quirky guys because I'm quirky enough.  It pissed me off, especially because he doesn't know the guy at all.  I still really like Isaac as a friend, so I'm still offended that he would act that way about someone I felt a lot about.  But whatevs, I know that Aiden likes to talk about himself, he's not big on other people's issues.  Point is, I was nervous to be around him all the time, but it turns out that it's not so bad.  He's actually a lot of fun up here.  And he has a couple really cute roommates...and, just a side note, but relevant to the blog, I kissed him just about a week ago.  We went out to dinner with friends and I ended up giving him a peck on a dare.  For the rest of the night I felt a little confused about it, but then I got over it. I won't be kissing Aiden again.  Now to get him to quit bringing up the kiss...

Unfortunately, the shiz hit the fan and we haven't spoken since Thursday.  Why?  Because, out of all the girls at BYU-Idaho Aiden decided that he wanted to pursue my roommate, Bianca.  Why should that be such a tragic thing, you ask?  Because I don't really like her.  I've posted about the roommates that I have who go on dates every day and the post about THAT girl was about Bianca.  That doesn't even begin to cover the personal issues I have with her, though.  When I liked Isaac, she would make sure she'd sit on the couch next to him, sharing a blanket even though she knew I really liked him.  She'd makeout with a different guy every night.  She'd dress like a skank with her boobs hanging out but wonder why she never had a steady boyfriend.  It was frustrating seeing someone like her getting dates with really nice guys, only for her to use them and trash them.  Outside the relm of boys and dating, I rather like Bianca.  She's nice and funny.  But those personal issues I expressed to Aiden before he ever met her.  First thing he said to me after he met her was, "She's not even that cute, I don't get what boys see in her."

Aiden is a man and thus is subject to the allure of Bianca, which no man who's stepped foot into our apartment can resist.  He fell for her tricks and took her on several dates last week, despite knowing that I don't approve.  When he finally stopped ditching me and we hung out, I was fuming mad.  In my opinion, I'm not in the wrong for feeling this way, but I feel betrayed.  I feel as though it was completely disrespectful to me, his best friend, and my feelings that I confided in him for him to run off and decide to date my whorish roommate.  I told him what I had to say, how I felt about what he was doing, and he didn't have much of a response (although he did try to compare it to how he felt about Isaac, but that was different; I have a relationship with this girl.  I have to live with her) and we haven't spoken since.

It's so frustrating.  I hate drama.  My mom says that my relationship with Aiden is unhealthy, so this is a good opportunity to distance myself from him.  I kind of agree, but all the same, I'm losing a dear friend and it sucks.

Bianca is a whore.

We keep going round...

Side note, Daniel got engaged last week.  Weird?  Weird.  I'm happy for him, though.  The kid is hilarious and handsome and deserves all the happiness in the world.  My best wishes to Daniel and his beautiful bride-to-be!

After a weekend of not talking, Wade and I talked on the phone again about what it is that we're doing.  I feel like we just had this talk, but apparently we didn't say everything that needed to be said.  Here's a pretty basic version of what was said:

Leslie:  Wade, things are different and you can't blame it all on being busy.  Either you need to start communicating to me what's going on or you need to tell me that this is too much for you so I can forget about you and really move on.
Wade:  I'm not ignoring you on purpose, I've been busy, I don't know what to do about this.  At all.  I guess I decided to take some time to think about things, I just didn't know what to say to you.
Leslie: You have to do something.  I'm not going to sit around and wait.  And if you need time, tell me, don't just take it.  It sucks to be on this end, where I don't know anything.
Wade:  I know.  I just don't want to hurt you, or the girl that lives here that asked me out.  It would be easier to date her, but I want to date you, but you live forever far away.  I just don't know what to do.
Leslie:  Do what will make you happiest, someone will get hurt less now than later down the line.  Seriously consider visiting Idaho.  Really, really think about it.  In the meantime, don't shut me out.  We like each other because we enjoy talking to each other, so if you let fear creep in, we'll lose that and essentially lose everything.
Wade:  I'll consider it, really.  Don't write me off, keep me as an option.  Don't limit yourself, but don't write me off.  I need to figure some things out, but I think about you a lot and I want to stay in the running.  Thanks for calling me out.

That was basically it.  It went more in depth and I feel as though he told me more about how he's feeling about the situation and why he's so mixed up.  I also told him a lot of my frustration with everything and why I don't want to just wait around.  I'm fine with him going on dates with other girls, I fully intend to date around this semester, but if he's got intentions of actually dating that girl, he needs to tell me.  I don't want to have another Tyson situation happen.  Wade said he doesn't want to be like Tyson, that I deserve so much more than that.  I hope he lives up to what he said.

For now I'm not holding my breath, but I'm not giving up on Wade just yet.  Something about him makes me think that something really good could still come from this.  We'll see, I s'pose.

I can't help falling

Here I am, nearly two weeks after texting Wade for the first time since the summer.  We've talked every single day since then, with the length of time continuing to get longer, and longer.  Last night we skyped for two hours and then texted for another two hours.  My sleeping habits have gone out the window, just in time for finals.

What does it even mean, though?  Here is a guy who lives hundreds of miles away from me, who has his own plan for his life and as of right now, it doesn't include me.  I've got my own plans, which will keep me here in Idaho for another year and a half at the very least.  I don't want to do long distance.  Even the thought of it makes me want to throw up and then curl up in a corner and cry.

I'm the kind of girl who wants to be held.  I want to hold hands and go places together and kiss him whenever I want.  I've done long distance before and it's so hard.  I don't want that with Wade.  If he and I were to date, I'd want to relocate, or bring him out to Idaho.  I'd want it to happen instantly, not sometime down the road.  I don't want to wait.  I'm ready for something real.

I'm ready to leave Tyson and fear behind.  I'm ready to fall in love.  Bring it, Wade.  Continue to make me fall. We can make this work.

Back to Wade

This has been a week full of skype dates and phone calls.  Apparently what BYU-Idaho has to offer just isn't enough for me.

Matilda is such a good friend.  Not having her in Idaho is probably the worst thing about being at school right now (followed closely by the -3 degree weather we had this past week.)  But we still talk and keep each other updated on our lives.  Somehow, from thousands of miles away, she still manages to be my wingman.

At this point, I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to let myself really feel for Wade, since I know from past experience that he can get freaked out easily.  And, truth be told, I'm still a little scared to open myself up to him.  I don't want to have a repeat situation of Tyson.  It's been a long time since I've even talked to Tyson, but it still scares me to death that someone, like Wade, is going to make his way into my heart and head but then leave.  It's terrifying.  But I've really got nothing to lose, so I might as well give it a shot.

Here goes nothin'.  Wish me luck.

And so I press on.

A few days ago I found out that Isaac wasted no time with this girl and is now dating her.

I'm not really sure how I thought I would feel when he got a girlfriend, but it certainly wasn't this.  When I first found out, it was like a punch in the gut.  Now I can't do anything by lay in my bed and think about whether or not I made the right decision in not telling him how I feel.

But really, when it comes down to it, I made the right decision.  Not only did he not see anything there on his own, but over the past week or so I've come to see my own value and appreciate what it is that I have to offer.  I've accepted that Isaac just isn't the guy for me and that I don't need to be upset about him liking some other girl.  Big deal.  It happens all the time here at BYU-Idaho.  Everyone is dating everyone and, often the person you want to date is dating someone else.  Get over it, move on.

I need someone to distract me.

Gettin' serious

It's official, I'm changing my dating views from just having fun, to getting serious and finding someone to settle down with.  I don't know if it's because I'm here at school and marriage is everywhere, that I'm realizing all my friends are either married or having babies, or if I'm just growing up and becoming more mature along the way.  Whatever the cause, I'm finally ready to admit to myself that yes, I'm at BYU-Idaho to find a husband.

This doesn't mean I'm going to marry the first guy that comes along, don't get me wrong.  Marriage isn't necessarily my primary goal of being here, I'm getting a quality education.  I love my classes this semester, things are going really really well.

I'm excited for what the future holds.  I'ma get my marriage on.

My Dilemma

I have a problem.

I've got a friend with whom I spend a lot of time.  We hang out nearly every night, we walk to class together, we cuddle during movies, we text each other funny things.  I really kind of like this guy.  His name is Isaac.  I've been avoiding posting about him because I keep telling myself that I don't want to like him, he's just a good friend.  I feel like posting an official post about Isaac confirms my feelings for him.

It's a little late for confirmation because I've already written plenty of journal entries and every night I come home from his apartment, I'm grilled by my roommates about what's going on with the two of us.  Something is going on and I don't know what it is.  I'm not sure if it's just friendship, since he confides in me about the girls he's been talking to, or if it's something possibly more due to the fact that he makes me take his arm when we're walking about and he strokes my hand or leg or arm when we're watching a movie.  I'm desperate to know whether or not there really is something more there.

Here's my hold up: If I tell Isaac that I'm into him, I could lose the friendship, which I consider to be one that I hold most dear.  Along with his friendship, I could lose my friendship with all his roommates, with whom I also spend a lot of time with.  Or, if I told him and he got awkward, the friendship wouldn't necessarily be lost, but it could be tainted by the awkwardness of the situation.  Or, by some miracle, he could reveal that he's into me as well.  I don't know what to do.

I want to tell him, but I don't.

Despite it all

You know, despite having my meanderings out of my comfort zone with Aaron being utterly destroyed, I have to admit that I feel as though my self confidence has been rejuvenated.  This weekend I've walked a little taller, smiled at more boys, and felt prettier.  It's some weird psychological mindset that I had to get into and asking Aaron out was the trigger.

I've also been listening to things said in stake conference, general conference, and devotionals.  The reoccurring theme is "Stop living in anticipation of things to come, live in the now."  It's such a revelation to me, I'm a little baffled.  I think I was living with this great anticipation that one day, out of the blue, Mr. Right was going to waltz out of the crowd and then we'd start down the road towards our happily ever after.  Now I know that's not how it's supposed to work.  I'm not supposed to constantly be on edge, waiting for that moment when my life will begin.  I'm forgetting that I'm alive now, that I have things going for me.

It's a great feeling, having this sudden boost in self confidence.  I can't quite get over it.

THAT Girl

There's a reason I don't want to be that girl.  The kind of girl that pounces every boy she meets, who manages to sit next to whomever might be the hottest guy at a gathering, who practically forces her number on the male population, who struts up to a fellow after class and asks him out on a date.  I don't want to be that girl and here's why:

It's been my experience that guys want to work for a girl.  It's some weird testosterone thing that I don't quite understand, but I think it has something to do with conquering and feeling like a successful hunter.  There's a period in a relationship where things hinge between friendship and something bigger, flirtations tossed about with a gigantic question mark floating around.  The girl acts coy and reclusive, which allows for the boy to pry and pursue, with the intent of winning her over, causing her to open up and become his.

When a girl takes a more modern approach to dating, she often times finds herself either a) dating a pansy of a guy who allows her to bully the whole 'relationship' into whatever she wants, leaving her dissatisfied with the manliness of her partner.  b) going on dates with guys who are reluctant, if not repulsed, by her forward attitude. Or c) someone who's just not into her, but lets her make the moves up until something like hand holding happens...and gets awkward.   Basically, the 'modern', 'feminist' ways of women taking the lead don't usually end up working.

What's with girls making the moves anyway?  Isn't is emasculating for a guy to have a girl ask him out or take his hand?  If you're into a girl, you grow a pair and ask her out, right?  I sure hope so.

That girl isn't someone I want to be.  I want to have confidence, but I don't want to be overbearing and a man-chaser.  I want guys to think I'm happy and pretty and awesome, but I don't want to flaunt it like today's headlines.  I don't want to be the girl that asks guys on dates.  I don't want to be the move maker.  I want to be a risk taker, but not those kinds.

Operation ask Aaron for his number blew up in my face.  I don't want to go into any more depth than that.  I feel humiliated and the small glimpse of confidence (oh man, did I used to be confident...) is gone.  It's like it was a sign that I'm not supposed to be that girl, even in the slightest.

One more attempt at love failed.  That means I'm that much closer to success.

My heart aches

You know what makes me so sad?  When I see good friends of mine settle for guys who can't take them to them temple.  Girls that I love and cherish and I know have a testimony but yet they fall in love with the wrong guy and decide that "Maybe someday" is good enough for them.

One of my very dear friends left school, got pregnant with her first boyfriend (non-member, several years older than her), and is now married to him.  She commented on a picture of a temple that if they ever get sealed, she wants it to be in that particular temple.  I think my heart broke open and poured out to her.  How sad is that?  I hope that "If we ever get sealed" isn't something I ever utter about my husband.  The things that happen in the temple are so sacred and so vital, I can't imagine giving that up.  My heart just aches and aches for my dear friend.  She won't receive the blessing of the temple, she won't inherit eternal life or have eternal increase with her husband, whom she loves.  That BREAKS MY HEART.

All while I was growing up my mother always told me, "Date within the church.  Don't date non-members.  Want to know why, Leslie?  Because you never know who you're going to fall in love with."  I almost got engaged to a guy who was inactive but was telling me he was reading the scriptures and going to church.  He was really out drinking and getting tattoos (it was a long distance thing...)  It's a scary thing, love.  You really don't know who you're going to fall in love with, so dating members who have a testimony and can go to the temple with you is the insurance that you will end up with an eternal marriage.

I feel so sad for those couples who, for whatever reason, miss out on eternal life with their spouse.  Because really, who wants a 'til death do you part' marriage when you can have a 'for time and all eternity' marriage sealed by the power of the priesthood?

I won't settle.

Self destructive habits

Last night before going to bed I was poking around on facebook, like everyone else and their grandma does.  One thing led to another and I found myself looking at Tyson's page.  I deleted him months ago, but I still occassionally stalk his only semi-private profile.  He's got a picture of himself and the new girl up as his profile picture.  That's new.   He's grown a beard, despite hating facial hair before his mission.

 

I dreamed that I saw him at institute and he asked for my phone number.  I felt angry and irritated and I was rude to him.  I got up and stormed out of institute, only to return with hopes that I could see and talk to Tyson again.  I looked around for him but realized he was already gone and I missed my opportunity to reconnect with him. 

 

On top of waking up sick this morning, I was in a bad mood.  I felt disgusted with myself for even dreaming regret about not being friends with Tyson.  What's wrong with my subconscious self?  I'm pretty sure there's a loose circut somewhere in there, because I know Tyson is no good.  I know that he's a giant douche bag who doesn't deserve an ounce of my attention, my pity or even my forgiveness.  I want to go back into my dream and slap myself around, yelling, "Pull yourself together!  He broke your heart!  Don't give him the satisfaction of crawling back to you and winning!"  I really need to get over this.  I need to move on.  

 

I'm not sure if I know how yet. 

An attempt at dating

There's this guy from the same YSA ward as Tyson and Daniel named Peter who asked me out about a month ago.  He wanted to take me out to this taco place after institute, but it was closed.  Instead we went to a BBQ place and ate and talked.  Peter is really funny.  Like, hilarious.  I couldn't keep a smile off my face because this dude was constantly saying smart things that made me crack up.  All in all, it was really fun.  I enjoyed it.  We followed up the date with another one the following week to go see the movie Captain America.  I liked the movie, he totally wanted me to hold his hand, and he totally wanted to kiss me at the end of the night.  But we did neither.

So what's the problem with Peter?  Nothing really, expect I think of him as a good friend, someone I like to spend time with but not someone I'm tempted to kiss or hold hands with.  Maybe it's his beard, maybe it's that I don't know him very well, or maybe it's even that I want someone who has the guts to actually hold me hand or kiss me, not someone who will hint at it but waits for me to make the move.  I don't want to make the move, I want a man who'll show me he wants something by asking me out on a date and the kissing me on my front door step.  Doesn't the saying go "It's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission"?   What's with all these pansy boys who won't go in for the kill?  I refuse to give in to that laziness.  If I'm on a second (or third or fourth etc) date with you, the thought of kissing you has definitely crossed my mind.

Despite having so much fun with Peter when we go out, I've realized that I'm also sad when we're together and he's asking me to feel how cold his hands are or he's leaning his head on my shoulder.  I'm sad because I'm not into him and I don't feel that connection even though I really want to.  I don't want to feel alone anymore.  I think I'm still looking for someone who made me feel the way Tyson did and I don't know if I can be happy with anything less than that.  I trusted him so much...

My heart is on the floor. Why don't you step on it?

Daniel and I snuck away from his birthday party and locked lips for a couple minutes down the street.  It wasn't very long, nothing really happened except some good smooches.  Later he sent me a text telling me he wasn't quite satisfied.  Dan, my friend, neither was I.  I've been running on empty for a good couple of months and the two brief sessions we've had recently weren't enough.  I've been left wanting more.  It's time for a makeout date.  The weather is nice, he and I should go star gazing or something so we can have some alone time.  I hate dry spells...

Last week Tyson rocked me emotionally. I sent him a text several weeks ago saying, "I hate that I don't feel comfortable talking to you."  It was a weak moment that I regret.  I hadn't had his number for awhile but then I just so happened to end up with it and I couldn't resist temptation.  He didn't respond, so I had a good cry the next day and then I deleted him from my phone and facebook (finally.)  I felt like I needed cleansing.  I feel like I need to completely wash all of that off me.  But I can't ever be fully rid of Tyson and the scum he is.

Last week he finally responded to my text.  He said something about not knowing what to say and thinking about my text again and again.  He said he was sorry for making things awkward on his part.  That was it.  I got the text while I was at work and I think I almost passed out.  My hands started shaking, my heart started pounding, my knees felt weak.  I'm not made to handle this emotional stress.  It's wrecking everything about me.  I cried yesterday after seeing Tyson at institute.  Every time I'm near him I want to throw things, like punches or tables.  It pisses me off that he can walk around so unaffected by everything.  Why am I feeling so broken while he's acting as if we ought to be mending things and becoming friends?

It's safe to say that Tyson went from being the love of my life to one of my top 5 most disliked people I've ever met.  It's a shame, too, because he could be such a fun friend.  Any hope we had of being friends was smashes to bits when he tossed me aside like I never mattered.  Dick.

I wasn't quite finished with that...

I threw a party recently.  It was a dance party, I invited everyone and they invited all their friends.  It was one huge mother effing dance party.  As far as the dancing goes, it was pretty tame; all my friends are LDS and don't really do the whole dirty dancing thing.  The most raunch it got was a couple of us girls all dancing up on each other to make the boys drool.  Well, it wasn't really to make them drool, but we know they did anyway.

Daniel showed up, being one of the first times I've seen him in a long time.  We've seen each other at institute and some firesides, but he's been pretty scarce.  It doesn't help that we live a good 25 minutes apart and are in different stakes.  Holy.  Smokes.  I don't know what was done differently, but Daniel looked super good.  He had on an excellent blue shirt and his hair was slightly done, but not overly stuffed with product (Yes, Aiden, it's called Product) and he just looked well put together.   I was slightly dazzled by his ravishingly good looks.

Half way through the party I get a text from Daniel.  Conversation went as follows:

Daniel:  Sigh a man without isn't a man at all
Leslie:  Huh?
Daniel:  Kiss me
Leslie:  Hahaha, you're in a room full of people.
Daniel:  Well that is a shame.  I donno where to go.
Leslie:  Go out in the front yard on the side of the garage

He went, I snuck out the side door in the garage.  He grabbed me, pushed me against the side of the house and kissed me nice and hard.  One kiss turned into several, which ended up being a full on standing make out. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Daniel is a really good kisser.  He gives those type of kisses that don't involve so much tongue that you're practically drowning in the other person's saliva, but just the right amount and they last just long enough.  I love kissing him....except when he's trying to stick his hands down my pants.

I'm pretty self conscious about my body (what girl isn't?) and I had just been dancing around a lot, so I was kind of sweaty and Daniel tried to get his hands under my clothes just a little.  Boom, shot down!  I can get scandalous  but I don't let things get crazy.  We only made out for about fifteen minutes before heading back inside.  It was a good fifteen minutes, though.  It kept me busy while Chase decided to vacate the party with some chick.

In a way I feel slightly stupid for allowing myself to give into Daniel's request so easily, but at the same time, we're using each other equally.  We both just want a little lip lovin' and know we enjoy the other.  For the meantime, I can dig it.

Afternoon Delight

I don't typically ward hop.  I'm very involved in my single's ward, so I stick pretty close to home.  However, there was one particular Sunday when I had the oportunity to attend another ward for part of the block and I knew I looked really good, so I went on the off chance that I'd see this guy I'd been in love with for the past couple years.  Okay, I also wanted to go and make Daniel see how hot I am.  This was mid-February and I hadn't kissed anyone since Daniel on New Year's...

Somehow Daniel and I ended up at the park after church ended (Tyson, kid I was in love with, was a no-show.)  We walked around the entire park and sat down on the bleachers by the baseball fields and just talked.  It was really nice to catch up with him and see what he was up to.  He called me out on my constant application of chapstick, claiming I'd lured him to the park just so I could kiss him.  That is FALSE.  I had had really dry lips the previous week and they cracked really bad, the chapstick was just to keep moisture on my lips so the cracks wouldn't get any bigger.  I intended to not kiss Daniel at all.  Tyson was home from his mission and we were hanging out practically every day, so I wanted to avoid guilt.  Daniel walked me to my car, gave me a big hug, and planted one on me.  Whoops....

The next Sunday Daniel came to my ward and we left early...to go makeout at a park.  There we were in our Sunday best, making out instead of sitting in Sunday school.  As far as habits go, that's something I'm not planning on making into one.  I came home from "church" and during dinner my dad gave me his normal quiz of who taught what class and what did I find interesting.  Definitely had to fudge a little instead of tell him about the French lesson...

Through a whirlwind of events, including Tyson announcing he got a girlfriend (freaking whore, I hate her), my telling Daniel that we had to stop and then, later that day, telling him we needed to meet up asap, Daniel and I ended up with plans to meet up and makeout.  Scheduled hookup.  Since then, it's been that same day every week.  Friends with benefits, makeout buddies, committed NCMO partners, secret lovers without the lovers bit (Daniel's favorite lable.  Should I be worried?)  It's a weird arrangement, I know, but somehow it's working out...

The Infamous NCMO

NCMO: Non-Committal Make Out.  The mormon hook up or one night stand.  A good ol' macking sesh with someone you don't want to date.  

There's something about getting together with someone for just a night that adds some thrill.  For me, I feel like it's a bit of a walk on the wild side because I'm normally a pretty committed gal.  For the longest time I never even considered indulging in a NCMO because I felt like I'd end up getting attached and hurt in the end.  I tried it for the first time in a looong time at the end of last year after a pretty bad break up.  I had recently gotten in contact with an ex boyfriend from high school and he was more than willing to stick his tongue down my throat once or twice.  Unfortunately for him, any chemistry we had in high school was long gone and it wasn't enjoyable at all.  I'm fairly certain I ended up paying more attention to Zombieland than I did to his kissing.  It wasn't enjoyable at all.

 

But then New Year's Eve came around.

I have this friend, Daniel, who got back from his mission in December.  We dated once upon a high school time, he was my first love, we broke up, yada yada yada.  Well, turns out he and I still have mad chemistry so shortly after his return, the subject of us getting together for a rendezvous came up.  Happen on New Year's Eve, first in his car and then in mine.  I don't know if it was just the New Year's magic in the air or how quickly Daniel caught on to the proper technique of making out (he's a fast learner.  likereally fast), but it was amazing.  I wasn't thinking about Zombieland or this other guy that I was crushing on, I was completely focused on what was going on right then and there.  First NCMO I'd completely enjoyed.

That was the beginning of my adventure down NCMO lane and I haven't looked back since. 

An Introduction: Who am I and what is this Blog?

I started this year thinking,  "This is your year, Leslie!  This is the year you will make money and go back to school and get the guy and you will get your happily ever after!"  That lasted a whopping two weeks.  All my goals and hopes went out the window with a couple crazy turn of events.  I'm sure in the future I'll get into nitty gritty details of how my year isn't going how I planned, but for now here's a little about me.

My name is Leslie, I'm a younger 20-something single Latter-Day Saint girl from California.  Yes, I'm a mormon.  I'm completely active, I attend a great YSA ward, I go to every activity and thoroughly enjoy them.  I really do love the church and everything it has to offer.  I will get married in the temple (some day....one day....) and I will have an eternal marriage; that's pretty much one of my main goals.  I read my scriptures, I pray, I attend institute, I write in a journal.  I do all the Mormony things I'm supposed to do and I do them because I believe the Church is true.  This blog is much less about that and more about the silly things that I, as a young 20-something woman, want.

Let's be honest, there's part of me that just craves  a little lovin'.  Who doesn't enjoy a good mack?  Whether it's someone you've been seeing for a long time and are head over heels for, or someone you just met at a party and are having a good time with, it's fun to lock lips for a while.  This is my place to dish.  This is my place to get all the details out in the open.  Sure, I might approach the line a time or two, I might do things I would never tell my mother about, but that doesn't mean I'm a wild, crazy, law of chastity breaking whore...just a little promiscuous.

Here's my story, my encounters, my heartaches, my dramas, my dates.  All of it. 

EDIT: March 2, 2013

I started this blog almost exactly two years ago. I am not the same girl. I've experienced real heart break, I've done my fair share of making out, and I've had some pretty long dry spells. It's been a roller coaster of a ride. There have been times when I've felt so filled with emotions I thought I would explode. Other times I felt so void of anything I felt no motivation in any aspect of my life.

I've gone from being 21, crushed by Tyson, whoring it up with Daniel, to being 23, reinvigorated with life by Kirk's stupidity, and filled with a determination to be more of the woman I want my future husband to marry. I don't want to be a silly young girl any longer. I have to take what I've learned and put it to good use, put it towards being a better me.

A lot of people ask why I've stuck with the 'Mormon Skank' title if that's not really something I am. In all honesty, it's stuck because that's what I chose when I started this blog and I don't want to go through the process of changing. I've built up a bit of a following and that's how people know me. It's up to me whether or not I'm going to be skanky, I don't have to live up to the title of the blog.

I appreciate all the feedback and encouragement I receive from you guys. It's nice to hear that I'm not just writing to the abyss of the Internet, but what I'm writing actually matters to people. My favorite comments end up being the ones from people saying, "This is what I needed today. Thanks!" It gives me purpose in continue to catalogue my thoughts.