Hook, Line, and Sinker

I feel like Wade is a tornado that rips through my life every couple of months, sometimes leaving destruction, sometimes narrowly missing vital parts of the town of my heart.

Seriously, I don't know why I'm still into this guy because it's completely obvious he's scared of commitment, especially when distance is involved.  Things fell apart in December when we started talking about visiting and that possibility, so now that we're talking about him coming to visit again, I'm kind of scared he's going to be overcome with hesitation again and disappear.  I still don't have anything to lose with him, since he's still far away and there's a bit of a disconnect between us since we're not together.

Wade and I had a bit of a conversation last night, started by a bit of texting.  Ever since our conversation the other day he's been trying to figure out why I want to kiss him, which seems silly to me, since it's obvious that I'm into him and he should know that's the reason.  He's put in a lot of guesses, most of them are ridiculous.  This was last night's conversation:

Wade:  My guess still.  Maybe something with an attraction?  You're attracted to me?


Me:  Yes, you're correct; I'm attracted to you.


Wade: I don't really understand how though?


Me:  You don't think you're an attractive fellow?


Wade:  Well I mean...I'd like to think so.  But I guess I don't know what it is that attracts you to me.  Cause you've only met me like that one time, you know?


Me:  Did you know I dated a guy long distance for nearly seven months?  We saw each other for a total of four days and previously hadn't seen each other for several years.  There's more to attraction than being around each other.  Personalities, visual (which is limited, but you get an idea and for me, it's good enough) then when you actually get to be together you see if the attraction sticks around.  For me and the other guy, being apart just made being together in person all that much better.


Wade:  I didn't know that.  I just think that would be really hard.  I have some friends who have done that but like I guess I just don't know if I could or not.  But I do get the attraction part, like when you see each other it would be all hot-like, and steamy.  Now I will tell you your personality is attractive.  I don't know if you know that.


Me:  I hope it's attractive.  :)  Obviously things didn't work with him, but that's mostly because he didn't want to become active in the church.  Otherwise we would have gotten married.  We more or less had a date picked and everything.  I'm not saying doing long distance is what you and I should do, my point is I know I'm able to care deeply for someone and be attracted to them even if we're thousands of miles apart.  That's why I want to kiss you.  Because I like you, even though I've only met you once.  You're funny and smart and driven and all around attractive.  I think being together in person would just enhance it.


Wade:  Wow, I'm really sorry that didn't work.  And I commend you for making the choice you did, however you did it.  I can only imagine it was still hard.  If we're being honest, I just don't know that I could do long distance, or that I couldn't.  But I wouldn't want to cheat you by making you just think I could, you understand?  Now I'm not opposed to kissing you either no matter what I've lead on.  I actually think it would be pretty epic.


As you can tell, the texts started getting really long and in depth, so I figured it was time for a phone call.  I haven't talked to Wade on the phone for months and months.  At one point in the conversation, he even pointed out that we haven't talked for at least four or five months.  I think it's been more like six months.

We talked for just about an hour.  I can't even remember half of the things we talked about, I just know that it was raw and intense and honest.  I don't think he's ever been so upfront with me.  He admit that I scare the hell out of him because I'm not safe.  I'm far away and my personality is attractive and mysterious and he's terrified that if he visits he won't want to leave.  That terrifies him.  But he really wants to visit and he wants to kiss me.  It's silly, but my heart flopped a bit when he said, "I'll be honest, I want to kiss you.  Like, a lot."  First pump!

I told him how I know I have nothing to lose, but I also know how terrified he gets of change and risk, so I haven't put all my eggs in the basket.  I'm a risk taker.  If there's not risk involved, it's too safe and I don't really feel like it's worthwhile.  I don't know how to get Wade to get on board with that, but I think he's getting there.

I can't even begin to tell you how nervous this situation makes me.  I talk big talk with Wade about how I'm a big girl and I know what I'm getting myself  and I can handle a little heart ache, if that's where it's going to go.  But he's got me hopeful yet again.

I'm the most ridiculous person once I'm hooked.  Simply put, none of the other guys compare to Wade.  They might be cute and fun, but I don't have the same ease in conversation with any of them.  Wade makes things so easy.  I want to tell him everything, I want him to understand me and what I'm thinking and feeling.

To my dear readers

I looked at the calendar the other day and realized, "holy cow, it's 2012!  I started this blog because of an event that happened on New Year's Eve last year...it's been a year!"  Then I remembered that I didn't actually start the blog until March of last year, but still, this thing has been in process longer than I ever anticipated.  Mostly I thought I would get bored and let it fall to the wayside, but as time has progressed, I've found that this blog is a really nice release.

There are plenty of things on this blog that I'm not particularly proud of, but it's nice to get them out in the open.  It's nice to have a place to rant about frustrations I have with guys, with dating, with marriage (and my inability to find it.)  I don't want to be the roommate that's constantly complaining about all her boy problems and whatever, so it's just nice to have this.  As my college career continues on, I plan to keep it up and I plan to really commit to writing more about individual dates, my opinion on the way dating should be, and Temple marriage, and less about my insecurities (we'll see how long that one lasts...) but most of all, less about Tyson.  As of recently, I've found myself going back to his facebook to stalk him and rekindle that hatred.  It's unhealthy and I need to quit.  I need to quit Tyson, and everything about him, cold turkey.  I'm committing to doing that right now.  No more.

Now that I've made my commitments public to you, I ask you to commit something to me: leave a comment!  I know I have people who follow the blog (thank you, Google Analytics!) somewhat regularly.  Yes, I can see that you're coming back and reading my posts, Utah.  It's great, I love it.  I like knowing that I'm not just putting these words out into the abyss of internet to be read by no one but myself.

However, it would be reassuring and pleasant to hear a little bit of feed back.  For example, do you think I'm wasting my time with Wade?  I want to think that I'm not, but sometimes I'm not sure.

So yeah, I'll continue to post (not about Tyson) and you'll comment.  Deal?  Deal.

Edit::  Really guys?  This makes me sad.  Help a sista out!

All shook up

I don't know how to feel right now.

Wade says he's been really busy and I believe him, he's given me no reason to not believe him.  But he's also dropped communication way down.  We no longer text all day, I'm lucky if I get more than three texts from him in a day.  I'm on the back burner, I suppose.  It's a weird place to be, since I like talking to him and would look forward to the conversations we would have, and I know he still enjoys talking to me, but it's a little disheartening to have him not showing the enthusiasm he showed before school ended in December.

I have to admit, I kind of got my hopes up pretty high, pretty quickly.  I should know better than to put myself out on the line so quickly, especially when distance is involved.  He just says all the right things to put me at ease, but then doesn't do much to show for it.  I understand that this freaks him out, but at this point, we both know we feel something and wouldn't be opposed to making something real happen, but he's got to get over that fear and actually do something.  I can't be wasting my time any longer.

The waiting and wondering has me so frustrated.  A little sad, too.  I was really hoping something would happen.  I can wait a little longer on him, but not too much.  It's too hard.

Kickin' it in the friend zone

After a long battle with myself over what to do about Isaac, I came to an epiphany today.

Isaac is over the girl he was chasing for a while.  He's got his sight set on someone new already.  He's gaining confidence as far as asking girls out, so it's not like he's hiding behind his fear of rejection anymore.  What does this mean for me?  He's not chasing me.  He's not trying to take me out on a date.  Despite inviting me over to watch movies, he's not coming onto me in a romantic way, it's purely friendship.

What do I stand to gain from telling him that I've been harboring this crush pretty much since I met him?  At this point, nothing.  At this point, I'm so far in the friend zone that telling him I like him would be the equivalent of strapping a bomb to myself and walking over to his apartment to detonate.  It would be a willing destruction of his view of me and my integrity as a woman,

Am I going to tell Isaac that I've been jonesing for his affection these past couple months?  No.  I'm going to wait it out.  I'm going to be the friend that's by his side, supporting him and making him laugh.  I'm going to be the perfect best friend.  If he realizes that I like him, good for him, maybe then we can date.  If he doesn't, oh well.

The point is, I'm worth more than blurting out my feelings for someone just to get a chance when they didn't even notice me before.  I shouldn't have to shout my affections from the rooftop just to be recognized as a player in the game.  If he's smart, he'll realize that I'm one of the best things to ever happen to him.  If he's not, that he'll miss out on something great and I'll end up with someone who's worth my time.

I am Leslie.  I'm worth a guy's full attention.  Let's face it, I'm a pretty rad girl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRISG6pZIoc&ob=av2e

My Dilemma

I have a problem.

I've got a friend with whom I spend a lot of time.  We hang out nearly every night, we walk to class together, we cuddle during movies, we text each other funny things.  I really kind of like this guy.  His name is Isaac.  I've been avoiding posting about him because I keep telling myself that I don't want to like him, he's just a good friend.  I feel like posting an official post about Isaac confirms my feelings for him.

It's a little late for confirmation because I've already written plenty of journal entries and every night I come home from his apartment, I'm grilled by my roommates about what's going on with the two of us.  Something is going on and I don't know what it is.  I'm not sure if it's just friendship, since he confides in me about the girls he's been talking to, or if it's something possibly more due to the fact that he makes me take his arm when we're walking about and he strokes my hand or leg or arm when we're watching a movie.  I'm desperate to know whether or not there really is something more there.

Here's my hold up: If I tell Isaac that I'm into him, I could lose the friendship, which I consider to be one that I hold most dear.  Along with his friendship, I could lose my friendship with all his roommates, with whom I also spend a lot of time with.  Or, if I told him and he got awkward, the friendship wouldn't necessarily be lost, but it could be tainted by the awkwardness of the situation.  Or, by some miracle, he could reveal that he's into me as well.  I don't know what to do.

I want to tell him, but I don't.

A Man's Man

I borrowed this from Urban Dictionary to help you get the feel for what I'm trying to get at.

Who is the Man's Man? He's the real class act. He always shaves and wears clothes that fit. He's worldly, educated, and a gentleman. He thinks that buttoned shirts are not just for special occasions and that newspapers have more than one section. While he is polite, he is not a pushover. He will swear when he needs to, but will try to control his temper. He can handle his liquor and keeps himself in shape. Most importantly, he will admit his faults and errors, because that is what real men do.  For these reasons, women want him and men want to be him.


This is what I want (minus the drinking and swearing).  This is what I need.  I need a guy who is going to be a gentleman.  I need a guy who is going to be suave, but mysterious.  I need a guy who's going to crush spiders and change the oil.  I need a guy who's going to watch Saving Private Ryan but get a little misty eyed while doing so.  I need a guy who isn't afraid to be a man, but to balance that out with a softer side.  


Too many of the guys I know are too much of one extreme, either too feminine or too manly.  There's a balance that works and this is where you find the Man's Man.  He's the kind of guy who'll take me on a date dirt biking followed by a lovely dinner at his apartment that we cook together.  I need a guy who'll comfort me when I'm upset, but also someone who'll defend my honor at any cost.  Does that make sense?  


I really need a manly guy.  A manly guy I can hold a long conversation about nothing, or everything, with.  A manly guy who can take care of me and be humble enough to admit that sometimes he needs to be taken care of.  

THAT Girl

There's a reason I don't want to be that girl.  The kind of girl that pounces every boy she meets, who manages to sit next to whomever might be the hottest guy at a gathering, who practically forces her number on the male population, who struts up to a fellow after class and asks him out on a date.  I don't want to be that girl and here's why:

It's been my experience that guys want to work for a girl.  It's some weird testosterone thing that I don't quite understand, but I think it has something to do with conquering and feeling like a successful hunter.  There's a period in a relationship where things hinge between friendship and something bigger, flirtations tossed about with a gigantic question mark floating around.  The girl acts coy and reclusive, which allows for the boy to pry and pursue, with the intent of winning her over, causing her to open up and become his.

When a girl takes a more modern approach to dating, she often times finds herself either a) dating a pansy of a guy who allows her to bully the whole 'relationship' into whatever she wants, leaving her dissatisfied with the manliness of her partner.  b) going on dates with guys who are reluctant, if not repulsed, by her forward attitude. Or c) someone who's just not into her, but lets her make the moves up until something like hand holding happens...and gets awkward.   Basically, the 'modern', 'feminist' ways of women taking the lead don't usually end up working.

What's with girls making the moves anyway?  Isn't is emasculating for a guy to have a girl ask him out or take his hand?  If you're into a girl, you grow a pair and ask her out, right?  I sure hope so.

That girl isn't someone I want to be.  I want to have confidence, but I don't want to be overbearing and a man-chaser.  I want guys to think I'm happy and pretty and awesome, but I don't want to flaunt it like today's headlines.  I don't want to be the girl that asks guys on dates.  I don't want to be the move maker.  I want to be a risk taker, but not those kinds.

Operation ask Aaron for his number blew up in my face.  I don't want to go into any more depth than that.  I feel humiliated and the small glimpse of confidence (oh man, did I used to be confident...) is gone.  It's like it was a sign that I'm not supposed to be that girl, even in the slightest.

One more attempt at love failed.  That means I'm that much closer to success.

My heart aches

You know what makes me so sad?  When I see good friends of mine settle for guys who can't take them to them temple.  Girls that I love and cherish and I know have a testimony but yet they fall in love with the wrong guy and decide that "Maybe someday" is good enough for them.

One of my very dear friends left school, got pregnant with her first boyfriend (non-member, several years older than her), and is now married to him.  She commented on a picture of a temple that if they ever get sealed, she wants it to be in that particular temple.  I think my heart broke open and poured out to her.  How sad is that?  I hope that "If we ever get sealed" isn't something I ever utter about my husband.  The things that happen in the temple are so sacred and so vital, I can't imagine giving that up.  My heart just aches and aches for my dear friend.  She won't receive the blessing of the temple, she won't inherit eternal life or have eternal increase with her husband, whom she loves.  That BREAKS MY HEART.

All while I was growing up my mother always told me, "Date within the church.  Don't date non-members.  Want to know why, Leslie?  Because you never know who you're going to fall in love with."  I almost got engaged to a guy who was inactive but was telling me he was reading the scriptures and going to church.  He was really out drinking and getting tattoos (it was a long distance thing...)  It's a scary thing, love.  You really don't know who you're going to fall in love with, so dating members who have a testimony and can go to the temple with you is the insurance that you will end up with an eternal marriage.

I feel so sad for those couples who, for whatever reason, miss out on eternal life with their spouse.  Because really, who wants a 'til death do you part' marriage when you can have a 'for time and all eternity' marriage sealed by the power of the priesthood?

I won't settle.

Let's get real for a moment

It's time to leave all the silly make out stories aside for a moment while I get serious and explain the Tyson thing.  This is something that rocked me to the core, I try to avoid talking about it.  However, I feel like it's kind of a necessity for me to get this out there so you can sort of understand a little bit about me and what I've been through and why I act the way I do.

Tyson and I met almost four years ago at a party.  We became friends through a mutual friend and started talking a lot.  I was dating a guy at the time but we were living in different states, which made the relationship really hard to maintain.  As I started talking to Tyson more, I began to realize more and more that my boyfriend, Joe, really wasn't someone with a personality substantial enough to keep me interested.  He was kind of bland and effeminate and he never wanted to talk about anything serious.  Our conversations mostly hovered around what we did that day and how much we missed each other.  Whenever I'd bring up something serious, he'd ignore it.  It hurt because I feel like I should be able to talk about serious things that weigh on my mind with my boyfriend.  Because, when it all comes down to it, dating is just practice for marriage, and I want to marry someone I can communicate with.

Tyson showed me how it felt to have someone to trust in.  Because of this eye opening friendship, I ended my relationship with Joe (after giving it a chance once we were living in the same town again...it just didn't work.) Tyson lead me to believe that it's okay to let your walls down and be vulnerable.  We would stay up until 4 in the morning talking about things that we hoped for, things that we feared, and things that we believed in.  He was sarcastic and witty and hesitant to open up to me...but he did.  We quickly became best friends.  While I lived at home, we spent nearly every night together going bowling or watching movies.  When I was at school, there was hardly a moment we weren't texting each other.  To this day, I don't know how I survived that Summer on so little sleep.  I think my normal bed time was somewhere between 3am and 5am.  I've never felt so connected to another person.  He was my soul mate, I was sure of it.

We never had a really physically relationship, mostly because I was away at school most of the time we talked a ton.  I did, however, take a trip home for memorial day.  That was probably one of the best weekends of my life.  We watched movies, snuggled, went to a baseball game, kissed...  It was perfect.  Absolutely perfect.  Aside from that, the only other time we kissed was the night before he left on his mission. We watched Harry Potter 4, held hands, and then kissed goodbye.  He gave me a framed photo of the two of us.  Now, he gave a couple other girls photos, too, including an ex girlfriend.  I was hurt and jealous and distraught, but it didn't really matter that much because he only kissed me and I had two years for him to forget about the other girls.

Despite all that, I kept that photo of the two of us out where I could see it every day for the two years he was gone. I wrote him letters that were pages and pages, just telling him about my roommates and classes and family and work.  I wrote him about my testimony and how impressed I was with his growth while on the mission.  He wrote to me about the experiences he had, people he taught, how he grew closer to his companions.  When he bore his testimony in his letters, I felt the Spirit so strong.  His letters were the bright light for me in a very long, lonely two years.  I copied almost every single one into my journal.  I kind of love letters.

Tyson came home from his mission in January.  I was so anxious and nervous about seeing him, I was literally shaking when I went over to his house to see him for the first time.  He walked me to my car after a night of games with his family and I felt wobbly, with weak knees.  It was so surreal to be with him again, after two years of not seeing him.  I couldn't catch my breath.  When we hugged it was awkward, but I never wanted it to end.  But he was home and we had plenty of time to spend together.  The other two girls he gave photos to?  They were history to me.  One was married with a child, one was at school in Utah.  Tyson was mine to enjoy.

We watched movies, went to parties, spent nights playing games with his family.  I spent a weekend at home alone and he talked on the phone with me at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep because I was spooked.  He invited me out to watch his basketball practices and we sat together at institute every week.  That is, until the weekend before his birthday when he went awol.  His responses to texts were evasive and brief.  We had planned to get together, but it didn't happen because he just never followed up with the plans.  On Monday he told me that we'd talk after the institute devotional the next day.  After he spoke about his mission, he sat me down outside (I was super nervous) and he told me that his friend that was going to school in Utah had come into town that weekend and he spent all his time with her.  He said, "I thought I should be the one to tell you in person that she and I are together."

I didn't have much to say.  I had prepared myself for him to not come home and sweep me off my feet, but it still stung.  I cried and said, "Well that sucks.  I'm happy that you're happy with her, but it still kind of sucks to lose."  After awhile of silence I said, "I have to go, why don't you call me when you feel like talking." and I left without looking at him.  I went home and cried to my mom.I was disappointed, but it wasn't really the end of the world.  I can't win everything.

But really, I can't win at all.  A couple weeks later Tyson called me up after I called him out on ignoring me.  He told me a lot of things, including that he doesn't feel like we have any sort of friendship unless we're flirting.   He said, "I think the hole in your life where I was is much bigger than the hole in mine where you were.  Because there's not really a hole.  I don't miss you.  I don't feel like I need you in my life."  At first I was devastated, but then I started feeling angry.  I was crying silently the whole conversation, but I was pissed.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  This was Tyson, my Tyson.  The one I'd shared some of the most wonderful experiences of my life with, and he was acting as if I meant nothing to him.  He told me he felt like he could never fully trust me, never fully let me in.  And then he had the balls to tell me he felt like he owed it to me to try and be friends anyway.  That was my breaking point.  I pretty much told him I don't want his pity friendship and hung up.  And that was that.  No more Leslie and Tyson.  No more letters, no more ball games, no more movie nights.  No more text messages, phone calls, or sitting together at events.  I've never felt so empty in my entire life.

Thinking about Tyson and how elated he made me feel just heightens the anger I feel about the way he treated me.  I'm devastated to think that I wasted so much time thinking about him and avoiding other relationships because of him.  I almost feel like he ruined me.  He used me and tossed me aside without warning.  I want to vomit.  I hate him.