Hook, Line, and Sinker

I feel like Wade is a tornado that rips through my life every couple of months, sometimes leaving destruction, sometimes narrowly missing vital parts of the town of my heart.

Seriously, I don't know why I'm still into this guy because it's completely obvious he's scared of commitment, especially when distance is involved.  Things fell apart in December when we started talking about visiting and that possibility, so now that we're talking about him coming to visit again, I'm kind of scared he's going to be overcome with hesitation again and disappear.  I still don't have anything to lose with him, since he's still far away and there's a bit of a disconnect between us since we're not together.

Wade and I had a bit of a conversation last night, started by a bit of texting.  Ever since our conversation the other day he's been trying to figure out why I want to kiss him, which seems silly to me, since it's obvious that I'm into him and he should know that's the reason.  He's put in a lot of guesses, most of them are ridiculous.  This was last night's conversation:

Wade:  My guess still.  Maybe something with an attraction?  You're attracted to me?


Me:  Yes, you're correct; I'm attracted to you.


Wade: I don't really understand how though?


Me:  You don't think you're an attractive fellow?


Wade:  Well I mean...I'd like to think so.  But I guess I don't know what it is that attracts you to me.  Cause you've only met me like that one time, you know?


Me:  Did you know I dated a guy long distance for nearly seven months?  We saw each other for a total of four days and previously hadn't seen each other for several years.  There's more to attraction than being around each other.  Personalities, visual (which is limited, but you get an idea and for me, it's good enough) then when you actually get to be together you see if the attraction sticks around.  For me and the other guy, being apart just made being together in person all that much better.


Wade:  I didn't know that.  I just think that would be really hard.  I have some friends who have done that but like I guess I just don't know if I could or not.  But I do get the attraction part, like when you see each other it would be all hot-like, and steamy.  Now I will tell you your personality is attractive.  I don't know if you know that.


Me:  I hope it's attractive.  :)  Obviously things didn't work with him, but that's mostly because he didn't want to become active in the church.  Otherwise we would have gotten married.  We more or less had a date picked and everything.  I'm not saying doing long distance is what you and I should do, my point is I know I'm able to care deeply for someone and be attracted to them even if we're thousands of miles apart.  That's why I want to kiss you.  Because I like you, even though I've only met you once.  You're funny and smart and driven and all around attractive.  I think being together in person would just enhance it.


Wade:  Wow, I'm really sorry that didn't work.  And I commend you for making the choice you did, however you did it.  I can only imagine it was still hard.  If we're being honest, I just don't know that I could do long distance, or that I couldn't.  But I wouldn't want to cheat you by making you just think I could, you understand?  Now I'm not opposed to kissing you either no matter what I've lead on.  I actually think it would be pretty epic.


As you can tell, the texts started getting really long and in depth, so I figured it was time for a phone call.  I haven't talked to Wade on the phone for months and months.  At one point in the conversation, he even pointed out that we haven't talked for at least four or five months.  I think it's been more like six months.

We talked for just about an hour.  I can't even remember half of the things we talked about, I just know that it was raw and intense and honest.  I don't think he's ever been so upfront with me.  He admit that I scare the hell out of him because I'm not safe.  I'm far away and my personality is attractive and mysterious and he's terrified that if he visits he won't want to leave.  That terrifies him.  But he really wants to visit and he wants to kiss me.  It's silly, but my heart flopped a bit when he said, "I'll be honest, I want to kiss you.  Like, a lot."  First pump!

I told him how I know I have nothing to lose, but I also know how terrified he gets of change and risk, so I haven't put all my eggs in the basket.  I'm a risk taker.  If there's not risk involved, it's too safe and I don't really feel like it's worthwhile.  I don't know how to get Wade to get on board with that, but I think he's getting there.

I can't even begin to tell you how nervous this situation makes me.  I talk big talk with Wade about how I'm a big girl and I know what I'm getting myself  and I can handle a little heart ache, if that's where it's going to go.  But he's got me hopeful yet again.

I'm the most ridiculous person once I'm hooked.  Simply put, none of the other guys compare to Wade.  They might be cute and fun, but I don't have the same ease in conversation with any of them.  Wade makes things so easy.  I want to tell him everything, I want him to understand me and what I'm thinking and feeling.

Wade In

If you know anything about me by now, it's that I have a hard time letting go of certain guys.  Tyson was one of them, Wade is another.  I don't really post about Wade anymore because there's not much to say other than there's a small piece of me that can't help but get excited when a text from him pops up.  Back in January someone commented advising me to forget Wade, even though I'm in love with him.  I've never really said aloud, even to Matilda, that I'm in love with Wade, but I think there's a part of me that fell so hard for him.

Matilda is here in Rexburg and as a result, Wade is thinking of coming to visit (He's really good friends with her husband.  Also with her, but he and her hubby have a bromance of sorts.)  He's really into hiking, so he wants to go to several different states, including Idaho and Utah, to climb some routes he hasn't gone before.  Wade and I got to talking about the possibility of this visit and that resulted in a ridiculous beyond ridiculous text conversation.  Ye be warned, it goes on for quite awhile...



Wade: I must admit I like the sound of a hiking trip of that caliber. I'll have to see if I can pencil you in in between hikes ;) jkjkhaha

Me: I will hold you hostage if you don't pencil me in.

Wade: Holding me hostage would require catching me. Not to mention I don't flee like most. I climb up! Which could prove difficult catching for those who do not also hike.
Me: Oh, I have my ways. ;)

Wade: Pfffttt... try me... don't challenge me to escape, draw me in instead. I'm much easier to lure in.

Me: I'll lure you in once you're here.

Wade: See... now you know why I said pencil you in! You lure me in when I'm there? Pencil... lure me to goooooo and it gets more sharpie-esque

Me: You'll never want to leave once you get here. ;)

Me: I'm aiming for tattooed in

Wade: Pencil

Me: Tattooed. You'll see. I can be very persuasive. 

 

[Insert a few texts of banter, getting a little more serious]


Wade: I think the only place I'll need to get somewhere to stay is in Idaho. Idaho is the last stop, champ. If I'm not lured into going maybe Salt Lake is a good place to turn around. ;)

Me: You think you can't stay with me?

Wade: Doesn't the honor code apply to you?

Me: No, I'm so far above it I'll even share a bed with you and get away with it. ;)

Wade: Hahaha you're just a joker. There's no way you could pull it off. Yous be schooless before August.

Me: No, I'd just be really sneaky and do it at Matilda's house.

Wade: Hahahaha, I'm a cuddler anyways. Probably would get to you.

Me: You think I'm not aware of your being a cuddler? I enjoy a good cuddle evrey now and then, I wouldn't mind.

Wade: This rebellious side has me intrigued.

Me: I'm very persuasive.

Wade: Still in pencil though... you're gonna have to up your game.

Me: I told you, I have to save some of the mystery. Sharpie it for now and we'll tattoo it later.

Wade: Pencil first. Always.

Me: Yes, pencil for now, Sharpie tomorrow.

[Then I tried to convince him that he doesn't need to go hiking, he could just spend all his time with me, Matilda, and her husband. ]


Wade: Hahaha a hiking trip where I don't hike...doesn't really make sense yeah? Hahaha

Me: No, a hiking trip where you meander on up to Idaho for a couple days to see some dear friends. And maybe hike in Idaho is you find someone experienced to go with you.

Wade: Hahahaha um dear Leslie.... I'm planning a 10 day mancation of hiking and beard growing. There will be hiking.

Me: Fine, there will be hiking, I will allow it. But it can't be a complete mancation, that would just hurt my feelings.

Wade: What the heckk? Why not? I can't mancate?

Me: Mancations don't usually involve making out and I'll tell you now, that's definitely happening.

Wade: Wow... now you're forward. Daring. daringggggg

Me: If I leave that hanging, maybe you'll actually come to Idaho this time.

Wade: I'll move you from one of those pencils to one of those pens with the erasers.

Me: Nah, let's just go with Sharpie. You can't deny that you know making out is a definite possibility

Wade: Hahaha I'm going with BIC eraseable pen until I'm more lured in. And of course a guy would think about it but how am I supposed to know if you're down for that?

Me: Dude, the sleeping in the same bed wasn't enough of a hint for you? Good thing I have the lady balls to say it outright.

Wade: That I took as a joke. You go to BYUI...what am I supposed to think? And your lady balls. Haha I lol'd at that.

Me: What does a girl have to do to lure you into visiting her? Geeze! You make this so hard.

Wade: One...that's what she said. Two.... I didn't say you were doing a bad job. I just need more hahahahaha

Me: I don't follow all the rules. Heck, when I lived at home I spent almost every night at Aiden's house sleeping in his bed with him. I wasn't into him nor he into me, but I was still sleeping in a dude's bed. I'd probably break that rule if you came into town. Special occassion. ;)

Me: You need more than that? So pretty much you want to be told you're going to get laid. You slimeball.

Wade: Hahaha I'm always okay with some rule breaking. After hiking anyways... because I'm so tired after I hike. I usually require companionship.

Wade: What? I never said that! I hope that was you joking! You're going good but I'm just saying I've heard you make awesome treats. You've never said a word about a cooking tutorial, nothing. You know I'm no slimeball.

Me: Of course it was a joke. Don't you know me at all? If you come out to Idaho, I'll give you any kind of cooking tutorial you request. Within reason, of course.

Wade: Haha I just looked back at what that said and it did look bad. That's not what I meant when I said I require companionship.

Me: Hahaha, suuuuuuuure.

Wade: Making out, cooking, and bed cuddlin'. Wow you pulled out some weapons, miss.

Me: Gotta use the big guns for the real deal. Now if only you'd make it Sharpie....

As you can see, it was quite a playful conversation.  I won't believe that he's coming to visit until he's in Rexburg, but I can't help but hope.  I still really would like to see something happen there, I just don't know if I can deal with his flaky personality.  Meh.

Yeah, I still totally like him.
FML.

All shook up

I don't know how to feel right now.

Wade says he's been really busy and I believe him, he's given me no reason to not believe him.  But he's also dropped communication way down.  We no longer text all day, I'm lucky if I get more than three texts from him in a day.  I'm on the back burner, I suppose.  It's a weird place to be, since I like talking to him and would look forward to the conversations we would have, and I know he still enjoys talking to me, but it's a little disheartening to have him not showing the enthusiasm he showed before school ended in December.

I have to admit, I kind of got my hopes up pretty high, pretty quickly.  I should know better than to put myself out on the line so quickly, especially when distance is involved.  He just says all the right things to put me at ease, but then doesn't do much to show for it.  I understand that this freaks him out, but at this point, we both know we feel something and wouldn't be opposed to making something real happen, but he's got to get over that fear and actually do something.  I can't be wasting my time any longer.

The waiting and wondering has me so frustrated.  A little sad, too.  I was really hoping something would happen.  I can wait a little longer on him, but not too much.  It's too hard.

I can't help falling

Here I am, nearly two weeks after texting Wade for the first time since the summer.  We've talked every single day since then, with the length of time continuing to get longer, and longer.  Last night we skyped for two hours and then texted for another two hours.  My sleeping habits have gone out the window, just in time for finals.

What does it even mean, though?  Here is a guy who lives hundreds of miles away from me, who has his own plan for his life and as of right now, it doesn't include me.  I've got my own plans, which will keep me here in Idaho for another year and a half at the very least.  I don't want to do long distance.  Even the thought of it makes me want to throw up and then curl up in a corner and cry.

I'm the kind of girl who wants to be held.  I want to hold hands and go places together and kiss him whenever I want.  I've done long distance before and it's so hard.  I don't want that with Wade.  If he and I were to date, I'd want to relocate, or bring him out to Idaho.  I'd want it to happen instantly, not sometime down the road.  I don't want to wait.  I'm ready for something real.

I'm ready to leave Tyson and fear behind.  I'm ready to fall in love.  Bring it, Wade.  Continue to make me fall. We can make this work.

Back to Wade

This has been a week full of skype dates and phone calls.  Apparently what BYU-Idaho has to offer just isn't enough for me.

Matilda is such a good friend.  Not having her in Idaho is probably the worst thing about being at school right now (followed closely by the -3 degree weather we had this past week.)  But we still talk and keep each other updated on our lives.  Somehow, from thousands of miles away, she still manages to be my wingman.

At this point, I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to let myself really feel for Wade, since I know from past experience that he can get freaked out easily.  And, truth be told, I'm still a little scared to open myself up to him.  I don't want to have a repeat situation of Tyson.  It's been a long time since I've even talked to Tyson, but it still scares me to death that someone, like Wade, is going to make his way into my heart and head but then leave.  It's terrifying.  But I've really got nothing to lose, so I might as well give it a shot.

Here goes nothin'.  Wish me luck.

Oh geeze

Last night I was super bored and a little down about Isaac and his new squeeze.  I texted Wade for the first time since August with a casual, "It's been awhile, how's it hangin'?" type text.  Now we have a skype date this weekend.  I have to admit, putting myself out there every now and then feels pretty good.  All I had to do was shoot him a simple text and he did the rest of the work for me.  Why does he have to live in another state?

In other news, my roommates are whores.  Seriously, I've never met girls who've made out with 10+ guys in one semester.  I'm puzzled as to how one can feel satisfied with that.  Making out is fun, I completely understand that (um, hello, remember Daniel?) but isn't one guy enough?  Doesn't it get old after awhile?  Don't you want something with more commitment than just a night or two of cuddling and kissing?  Every week they put me to shame, causing me to question whether or not I have any claim at all in calling this blog Confessions of a Mormon Skank.  Maybe I ought to invite them to be guest bloggers...

Gettin' serious

It's official, I'm changing my dating views from just having fun, to getting serious and finding someone to settle down with.  I don't know if it's because I'm here at school and marriage is everywhere, that I'm realizing all my friends are either married or having babies, or if I'm just growing up and becoming more mature along the way.  Whatever the cause, I'm finally ready to admit to myself that yes, I'm at BYU-Idaho to find a husband.

This doesn't mean I'm going to marry the first guy that comes along, don't get me wrong.  Marriage isn't necessarily my primary goal of being here, I'm getting a quality education.  I love my classes this semester, things are going really really well.

I'm excited for what the future holds.  I'ma get my marriage on.

My Dilemma

I have a problem.

I've got a friend with whom I spend a lot of time.  We hang out nearly every night, we walk to class together, we cuddle during movies, we text each other funny things.  I really kind of like this guy.  His name is Isaac.  I've been avoiding posting about him because I keep telling myself that I don't want to like him, he's just a good friend.  I feel like posting an official post about Isaac confirms my feelings for him.

It's a little late for confirmation because I've already written plenty of journal entries and every night I come home from his apartment, I'm grilled by my roommates about what's going on with the two of us.  Something is going on and I don't know what it is.  I'm not sure if it's just friendship, since he confides in me about the girls he's been talking to, or if it's something possibly more due to the fact that he makes me take his arm when we're walking about and he strokes my hand or leg or arm when we're watching a movie.  I'm desperate to know whether or not there really is something more there.

Here's my hold up: If I tell Isaac that I'm into him, I could lose the friendship, which I consider to be one that I hold most dear.  Along with his friendship, I could lose my friendship with all his roommates, with whom I also spend a lot of time with.  Or, if I told him and he got awkward, the friendship wouldn't necessarily be lost, but it could be tainted by the awkwardness of the situation.  Or, by some miracle, he could reveal that he's into me as well.  I don't know what to do.

I want to tell him, but I don't.

Despite it all

You know, despite having my meanderings out of my comfort zone with Aaron being utterly destroyed, I have to admit that I feel as though my self confidence has been rejuvenated.  This weekend I've walked a little taller, smiled at more boys, and felt prettier.  It's some weird psychological mindset that I had to get into and asking Aaron out was the trigger.

I've also been listening to things said in stake conference, general conference, and devotionals.  The reoccurring theme is "Stop living in anticipation of things to come, live in the now."  It's such a revelation to me, I'm a little baffled.  I think I was living with this great anticipation that one day, out of the blue, Mr. Right was going to waltz out of the crowd and then we'd start down the road towards our happily ever after.  Now I know that's not how it's supposed to work.  I'm not supposed to constantly be on edge, waiting for that moment when my life will begin.  I'm forgetting that I'm alive now, that I have things going for me.

It's a great feeling, having this sudden boost in self confidence.  I can't quite get over it.

THAT Girl

There's a reason I don't want to be that girl.  The kind of girl that pounces every boy she meets, who manages to sit next to whomever might be the hottest guy at a gathering, who practically forces her number on the male population, who struts up to a fellow after class and asks him out on a date.  I don't want to be that girl and here's why:

It's been my experience that guys want to work for a girl.  It's some weird testosterone thing that I don't quite understand, but I think it has something to do with conquering and feeling like a successful hunter.  There's a period in a relationship where things hinge between friendship and something bigger, flirtations tossed about with a gigantic question mark floating around.  The girl acts coy and reclusive, which allows for the boy to pry and pursue, with the intent of winning her over, causing her to open up and become his.

When a girl takes a more modern approach to dating, she often times finds herself either a) dating a pansy of a guy who allows her to bully the whole 'relationship' into whatever she wants, leaving her dissatisfied with the manliness of her partner.  b) going on dates with guys who are reluctant, if not repulsed, by her forward attitude. Or c) someone who's just not into her, but lets her make the moves up until something like hand holding happens...and gets awkward.   Basically, the 'modern', 'feminist' ways of women taking the lead don't usually end up working.

What's with girls making the moves anyway?  Isn't is emasculating for a guy to have a girl ask him out or take his hand?  If you're into a girl, you grow a pair and ask her out, right?  I sure hope so.

That girl isn't someone I want to be.  I want to have confidence, but I don't want to be overbearing and a man-chaser.  I want guys to think I'm happy and pretty and awesome, but I don't want to flaunt it like today's headlines.  I don't want to be the girl that asks guys on dates.  I don't want to be the move maker.  I want to be a risk taker, but not those kinds.

Operation ask Aaron for his number blew up in my face.  I don't want to go into any more depth than that.  I feel humiliated and the small glimpse of confidence (oh man, did I used to be confident...) is gone.  It's like it was a sign that I'm not supposed to be that girl, even in the slightest.

One more attempt at love failed.  That means I'm that much closer to success.

Today was the day I was going to give Aaron my number and leave the ball in his court.  Unfortunately, he didn't show for class.  I was all ready, I'd given myself a pep talk beforehand, and he didn't show.  Just my luck.  Is this a sign that I ought to just give up?  Maybe.

The only other guy I'm remotely interested in is always surrounded by swarms of girls and my roommate had no problem throwing herself at him over the weekend.  Blah, frustration.

Are you diggin' on me? Cause I'm diggin' on you

There's a guy in one of my classes that I'm completely diggin' on.  His name is Aaron.  We sit by each other and we joke and flirt practically the whole lesson.  I find this kid incredibly attractive, in a sort of dorky way.  I dig dorky guys.  And I like the sweaters he wears.  I really want to spend time with him outside of class, but that requires exchanging number and getting him to ask me to do something.

I've made the decision this semester that I don't want to be the one to ask for someone's number.  I don't want to be that kind of girl.  It's just so hard at BYU-Idaho, where there's a plethora of girls who have no problem being that girl!  I was with a friend last night and he said, "Girls asking boys on dates?  Yeah, that's weird."  I'm terrified of meeting someone I really want to get to know, not being patient, then screw everything up by being too forward.

So here's the deal with Aaron.  I called up Aiden and asked him his advice on how to get Aaron to ask for my number.  Aiden said I need to come up with some sort of activity, but one without a set date.  I'm supposed to invite him to the activity and hopefully he'll offer up his number or ask for mine.  I'm not convinced it's going to work, but I'm think I'm going to try it.  It's a round-about way of getting the kid's number without being one of those pushy, forward girls.

My heart aches

You know what makes me so sad?  When I see good friends of mine settle for guys who can't take them to them temple.  Girls that I love and cherish and I know have a testimony but yet they fall in love with the wrong guy and decide that "Maybe someday" is good enough for them.

One of my very dear friends left school, got pregnant with her first boyfriend (non-member, several years older than her), and is now married to him.  She commented on a picture of a temple that if they ever get sealed, she wants it to be in that particular temple.  I think my heart broke open and poured out to her.  How sad is that?  I hope that "If we ever get sealed" isn't something I ever utter about my husband.  The things that happen in the temple are so sacred and so vital, I can't imagine giving that up.  My heart just aches and aches for my dear friend.  She won't receive the blessing of the temple, she won't inherit eternal life or have eternal increase with her husband, whom she loves.  That BREAKS MY HEART.

All while I was growing up my mother always told me, "Date within the church.  Don't date non-members.  Want to know why, Leslie?  Because you never know who you're going to fall in love with."  I almost got engaged to a guy who was inactive but was telling me he was reading the scriptures and going to church.  He was really out drinking and getting tattoos (it was a long distance thing...)  It's a scary thing, love.  You really don't know who you're going to fall in love with, so dating members who have a testimony and can go to the temple with you is the insurance that you will end up with an eternal marriage.

I feel so sad for those couples who, for whatever reason, miss out on eternal life with their spouse.  Because really, who wants a 'til death do you part' marriage when you can have a 'for time and all eternity' marriage sealed by the power of the priesthood?

I won't settle.

Do you Devo?

If you weren't at devotional today, you missed out on Sister Dalton peeling an Idaho potato at the pulpit and telling the girls to stop hanging out.  The overall message of her talk was lovely, I greatly enjoyed it.  The bit about dating was hilarious.

I feel as though when those boys call me up to watch a scary movie tonight, I need to tell them, "Sorry, I'm busy tonight."

Bored in Rexburg

Big events of the first four weeks of school:

• Aced my first test
• Aced my first essay (take that, APA!)
• Survived the snow
• Creeped on by the Rexburg halloween creepers...twice!
• Molested at the Vivint dance party
• Ripped my favorite jeans
• Went to Utah for Conference and it was SO good

It's obvious, nothing romantic is going on in my life.  I see more guys than anyone else in my apartment and still, nothing is happening.  EFF MY LIFE.  That's what I get for not playing the aggressive card.  Booorriiinngg!

I've noticed lately that more guys are opening the door for me and smiling when I walk by in the hall.  Either I'm suddenly the biggest hottie on campus or men are leaving their douchey ways behind in favor of being the nice guy.  I dig it. Nice guys are nice.  I'm sure they don't know that a smile in the hall brightens my day, but it does.  

Blow to the Ego

I was sitting in one of my classes and a girl I've become friends with turned to me and asked, "This is your third semester, right?"  I told her this was my fifth and explained to her that I took some time off.  Her response was, "This is your fifth semester?  I'm surprised you're not engaged yet!"  OUCH.  I'm a spinster and I'm not even 25 yet.  What a blow.

She followed it up with, "Because you're, like, really gorgeous."  Okay, I guess I'll take that.

Move your body like a cyclone

The Vivint (formerly APX) dance party.  The place where BYU-Idaho students go to get their freak on.  This semester kick off party used to take place at Beaver Dick, but it has since moved to a couple different locations throughout the semesters, landing it this semester at the Vivint building right on Main street in Rexburg.

I showed up about an hour into the shindig and it was already pretty warm in there.  I stepped outside about an hour later and when I walked back inside, I was hit by a wall of heat and perspiration.  There wasn't a single person in that whole room who wasn't dripping with sweat.  It's that kind of low light, super hot environment that encourages us BYUI kids to get down and dirty, touching everyone in the way.

I like dancing.  I like dancing around in a circle like we did when we were younger at stake dances, I like dancing up on my girlfriends.  I even like the occasional grind up on some dude.  It's fun, it's pretty harmless, it's just a way to groove with the music and -literally- let some steam off.  That being said, HOLY COW.  There were some people having full on dry sex at the vivint party.  No shame, no trying to hide it, getting all up and nasty on each other right there in front of everyone.  Don't you think that's a little much?

I was with a couple girlfriends dancing around the floor, weaving our way into the center and then out.  At one point this guy comes up behind me and starts dancing.  No biggie, it was kinda fun even if he didn't have an ounce of rhythm in his body.  He grabbed my hands and was trying to lead me around, in his non-rhythmic way, and it started getting less fun.  Then he licked my neck.  My sweaty, gross neck.  I had hardly seen the guys face (it was pretty dark in there) and he was trying to tongue my neck.  With some expert maneuvering,  me and the ladies got out of the middle and lurked towards the back avoiding the neck-licker.

I suppose it's my fault for being willing to get down and dance with practically any guy who wanted to, but I have a little pride and I definitely have some limits.  Neck-licker crossed them.  I'll probably brave another dance party or two, but I'll be more choosy about who I dance with.

Also, would it be too much to ask for an outside dance party?   Despite being forever far away, at least Beaver Dick didn't leave everyone with stagnant sweat air for everyone to breathe in.

Playing the BYUI Dating Game

BYU-Idaho has the reputation for having way more girls than guys.  The ratio was something like 3:1 when I started school here.  Despite rumors that it's more like 1.5:1 now, I don't believe it's gotten any better.  Nearly every class I have is overfilled with marriage hungry girls, claiming to be spinsters at age nineteen.

I don't know if it's just the actual ratio of girls to guys, but I feel as though the whole dating atmosphere here is a giant game of which-girl-can-be-more-aggressive.  Let's face it, if you aren't the type of girl to go hunt down the unwed men in your classes and practically force yourself on them, you're chances of happening upon a friendship with a male who is unattached is slim.  Part of that, however, I believe is attributed to the guys, but I'll touch on that later.

My mother taught me while growing up that women weren't meant to pursue.  She told me that I needed to calm the heck down, back off the poor boys, let them man up and come to me.  I've never been able to get the hang of that.  I am a go-getter.  I see something (or someone) I want and I get poised into attack mode...until I sense competition.  As soon as another girl steps into the picture, I lose all motivation.  I don't want to compete with another girl, I don't want to have to play the one-up game, I would rather not get the guy and fall to the way-side rather than compete.  Part of that is because I've lost many times to "the other girl", part of that is because suddenly it's not fun anymore, the chase loses all appeal.

Something about pursing a guy is intriguing.  It's fun to be flirty and silly and giddy.  It's fun to tease and be interesting to him.  But still, it's not fun to try and be the better girl.  I want a guy to like me for me and have him pick me over all the other girls, not because I was trying, but because he genuinely likes me.  I don't really think that's unreasonable.

That being said, I do feel like being here in Idaho is a better dating scene for me.  I don't want to get caught up in those competitions, though.  I want to be able to have fun and go out on dates and enjoy the company of men without having to worry about whether or not I'm impressing them more than the other girl they were just talking to.  It's exhausting.

Now, boys, here's some advice to you:  BE A MAN.  Take the lead, ask that cute girl in your class out even if you've only seen her from across the room.  Do cheesy things like passing notes or using silly pick up lines.  Although cheesy, we girls live for those kinds of things.  We write them down in our journals and text ALL of our girlfriends about them.

Just because the girls here at BYUI are cutthroat doesn't mean you should slack off in your duties as a male.  Don't get lazy and think, "Why should I ask girls out when there are so many throwing themselves at me?"  We're doing it only because we want to get to you before the other girl does.  I'm sure you'll have better luck dating if you're the one singling out the girls you want to get to know rather than only meeting and dating the girls who jump into your path with their marriage bell blaring.

In review....
Girls:  Stop being so aggressive!  Let things happen, be friendly, be cute, be flirty.
Boys:  Be a man.  Ask a lady you think is cute out.

An attempt at dating

There's this guy from the same YSA ward as Tyson and Daniel named Peter who asked me out about a month ago.  He wanted to take me out to this taco place after institute, but it was closed.  Instead we went to a BBQ place and ate and talked.  Peter is really funny.  Like, hilarious.  I couldn't keep a smile off my face because this dude was constantly saying smart things that made me crack up.  All in all, it was really fun.  I enjoyed it.  We followed up the date with another one the following week to go see the movie Captain America.  I liked the movie, he totally wanted me to hold his hand, and he totally wanted to kiss me at the end of the night.  But we did neither.

So what's the problem with Peter?  Nothing really, expect I think of him as a good friend, someone I like to spend time with but not someone I'm tempted to kiss or hold hands with.  Maybe it's his beard, maybe it's that I don't know him very well, or maybe it's even that I want someone who has the guts to actually hold me hand or kiss me, not someone who will hint at it but waits for me to make the move.  I don't want to make the move, I want a man who'll show me he wants something by asking me out on a date and the kissing me on my front door step.  Doesn't the saying go "It's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission"?   What's with all these pansy boys who won't go in for the kill?  I refuse to give in to that laziness.  If I'm on a second (or third or fourth etc) date with you, the thought of kissing you has definitely crossed my mind.

Despite having so much fun with Peter when we go out, I've realized that I'm also sad when we're together and he's asking me to feel how cold his hands are or he's leaning his head on my shoulder.  I'm sad because I'm not into him and I don't feel that connection even though I really want to.  I don't want to feel alone anymore.  I think I'm still looking for someone who made me feel the way Tyson did and I don't know if I can be happy with anything less than that.  I trusted him so much...

My heart is on the floor. Why don't you step on it?

Daniel and I snuck away from his birthday party and locked lips for a couple minutes down the street.  It wasn't very long, nothing really happened except some good smooches.  Later he sent me a text telling me he wasn't quite satisfied.  Dan, my friend, neither was I.  I've been running on empty for a good couple of months and the two brief sessions we've had recently weren't enough.  I've been left wanting more.  It's time for a makeout date.  The weather is nice, he and I should go star gazing or something so we can have some alone time.  I hate dry spells...

Last week Tyson rocked me emotionally. I sent him a text several weeks ago saying, "I hate that I don't feel comfortable talking to you."  It was a weak moment that I regret.  I hadn't had his number for awhile but then I just so happened to end up with it and I couldn't resist temptation.  He didn't respond, so I had a good cry the next day and then I deleted him from my phone and facebook (finally.)  I felt like I needed cleansing.  I feel like I need to completely wash all of that off me.  But I can't ever be fully rid of Tyson and the scum he is.

Last week he finally responded to my text.  He said something about not knowing what to say and thinking about my text again and again.  He said he was sorry for making things awkward on his part.  That was it.  I got the text while I was at work and I think I almost passed out.  My hands started shaking, my heart started pounding, my knees felt weak.  I'm not made to handle this emotional stress.  It's wrecking everything about me.  I cried yesterday after seeing Tyson at institute.  Every time I'm near him I want to throw things, like punches or tables.  It pisses me off that he can walk around so unaffected by everything.  Why am I feeling so broken while he's acting as if we ought to be mending things and becoming friends?

It's safe to say that Tyson went from being the love of my life to one of my top 5 most disliked people I've ever met.  It's a shame, too, because he could be such a fun friend.  Any hope we had of being friends was smashes to bits when he tossed me aside like I never mattered.  Dick.