Enter Sam Man

Here's how I met Sam: It was Christmas break and all was well, though slightly uneventful. My friends invited me out one night to go watch a movie or two to get into the Christmas spirit. I knew everyone there, they were all from my singles ward at home, but then Frank (remember him from forever ago?) showed up with Sam. Here is a guy who, as it turns out, goes to BYUI and served in the same mission as Frank. His family recently moved to the area and Frank decided to help him get to know some people while he was home, even though he's heading back to Rexburg in January.

We hit it off, joked around a bit, and became friends. I have to admit that dating wasn't on my radar that night; I was simply enjoying the company of sone friends. I didn't think anything of it when Sam friend requested me on Facebook a couple days later. That's what our generation does, right? We meet someone and then we Facebook friend them and stalk their page so we can learn everything we know about them.
The day after Christmas Sam popped up on my FB chat asking about my holiday (which was great, by the way). He eventually said, "My Internet is really crappy. Would you mind if we texted instead?" That sly dog.

By texting Sam meant talking ALL NIGHT. If I didn't respond to a text within ten minutes, he sent another one. He kept working things like, "you are going to make some guy very lucky one day" and "you are too cute to have not attracted a guy yet. And you have cute winks" and "1-100 what are my chances?" This kind of forwardness makes me a little uncomfortable and awkward. He's a nice guy, so I didn't want to shoot him down, but geeze Louise! Don't you think that's a little bit of overkill? Not to mention Frank let it slip to me that Sam just recently got out of a relationship. Rebound much?

He asked me out to dinner and I said yes. It's only fair to give him a chance, particularly because we do get along really well.  You never know what could happenen.  At this point I'm not seeking anything out, but I'm not opposed to it.

Hook, Line, and Sinker

I feel like Wade is a tornado that rips through my life every couple of months, sometimes leaving destruction, sometimes narrowly missing vital parts of the town of my heart.

Seriously, I don't know why I'm still into this guy because it's completely obvious he's scared of commitment, especially when distance is involved.  Things fell apart in December when we started talking about visiting and that possibility, so now that we're talking about him coming to visit again, I'm kind of scared he's going to be overcome with hesitation again and disappear.  I still don't have anything to lose with him, since he's still far away and there's a bit of a disconnect between us since we're not together.

Wade and I had a bit of a conversation last night, started by a bit of texting.  Ever since our conversation the other day he's been trying to figure out why I want to kiss him, which seems silly to me, since it's obvious that I'm into him and he should know that's the reason.  He's put in a lot of guesses, most of them are ridiculous.  This was last night's conversation:

Wade:  My guess still.  Maybe something with an attraction?  You're attracted to me?


Me:  Yes, you're correct; I'm attracted to you.


Wade: I don't really understand how though?


Me:  You don't think you're an attractive fellow?


Wade:  Well I mean...I'd like to think so.  But I guess I don't know what it is that attracts you to me.  Cause you've only met me like that one time, you know?


Me:  Did you know I dated a guy long distance for nearly seven months?  We saw each other for a total of four days and previously hadn't seen each other for several years.  There's more to attraction than being around each other.  Personalities, visual (which is limited, but you get an idea and for me, it's good enough) then when you actually get to be together you see if the attraction sticks around.  For me and the other guy, being apart just made being together in person all that much better.


Wade:  I didn't know that.  I just think that would be really hard.  I have some friends who have done that but like I guess I just don't know if I could or not.  But I do get the attraction part, like when you see each other it would be all hot-like, and steamy.  Now I will tell you your personality is attractive.  I don't know if you know that.


Me:  I hope it's attractive.  :)  Obviously things didn't work with him, but that's mostly because he didn't want to become active in the church.  Otherwise we would have gotten married.  We more or less had a date picked and everything.  I'm not saying doing long distance is what you and I should do, my point is I know I'm able to care deeply for someone and be attracted to them even if we're thousands of miles apart.  That's why I want to kiss you.  Because I like you, even though I've only met you once.  You're funny and smart and driven and all around attractive.  I think being together in person would just enhance it.


Wade:  Wow, I'm really sorry that didn't work.  And I commend you for making the choice you did, however you did it.  I can only imagine it was still hard.  If we're being honest, I just don't know that I could do long distance, or that I couldn't.  But I wouldn't want to cheat you by making you just think I could, you understand?  Now I'm not opposed to kissing you either no matter what I've lead on.  I actually think it would be pretty epic.


As you can tell, the texts started getting really long and in depth, so I figured it was time for a phone call.  I haven't talked to Wade on the phone for months and months.  At one point in the conversation, he even pointed out that we haven't talked for at least four or five months.  I think it's been more like six months.

We talked for just about an hour.  I can't even remember half of the things we talked about, I just know that it was raw and intense and honest.  I don't think he's ever been so upfront with me.  He admit that I scare the hell out of him because I'm not safe.  I'm far away and my personality is attractive and mysterious and he's terrified that if he visits he won't want to leave.  That terrifies him.  But he really wants to visit and he wants to kiss me.  It's silly, but my heart flopped a bit when he said, "I'll be honest, I want to kiss you.  Like, a lot."  First pump!

I told him how I know I have nothing to lose, but I also know how terrified he gets of change and risk, so I haven't put all my eggs in the basket.  I'm a risk taker.  If there's not risk involved, it's too safe and I don't really feel like it's worthwhile.  I don't know how to get Wade to get on board with that, but I think he's getting there.

I can't even begin to tell you how nervous this situation makes me.  I talk big talk with Wade about how I'm a big girl and I know what I'm getting myself  and I can handle a little heart ache, if that's where it's going to go.  But he's got me hopeful yet again.

I'm the most ridiculous person once I'm hooked.  Simply put, none of the other guys compare to Wade.  They might be cute and fun, but I don't have the same ease in conversation with any of them.  Wade makes things so easy.  I want to tell him everything, I want him to understand me and what I'm thinking and feeling.

I can't help falling

Here I am, nearly two weeks after texting Wade for the first time since the summer.  We've talked every single day since then, with the length of time continuing to get longer, and longer.  Last night we skyped for two hours and then texted for another two hours.  My sleeping habits have gone out the window, just in time for finals.

What does it even mean, though?  Here is a guy who lives hundreds of miles away from me, who has his own plan for his life and as of right now, it doesn't include me.  I've got my own plans, which will keep me here in Idaho for another year and a half at the very least.  I don't want to do long distance.  Even the thought of it makes me want to throw up and then curl up in a corner and cry.

I'm the kind of girl who wants to be held.  I want to hold hands and go places together and kiss him whenever I want.  I've done long distance before and it's so hard.  I don't want that with Wade.  If he and I were to date, I'd want to relocate, or bring him out to Idaho.  I'd want it to happen instantly, not sometime down the road.  I don't want to wait.  I'm ready for something real.

I'm ready to leave Tyson and fear behind.  I'm ready to fall in love.  Bring it, Wade.  Continue to make me fall. We can make this work.

Back to Wade

This has been a week full of skype dates and phone calls.  Apparently what BYU-Idaho has to offer just isn't enough for me.

Matilda is such a good friend.  Not having her in Idaho is probably the worst thing about being at school right now (followed closely by the -3 degree weather we had this past week.)  But we still talk and keep each other updated on our lives.  Somehow, from thousands of miles away, she still manages to be my wingman.

At this point, I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to let myself really feel for Wade, since I know from past experience that he can get freaked out easily.  And, truth be told, I'm still a little scared to open myself up to him.  I don't want to have a repeat situation of Tyson.  It's been a long time since I've even talked to Tyson, but it still scares me to death that someone, like Wade, is going to make his way into my heart and head but then leave.  It's terrifying.  But I've really got nothing to lose, so I might as well give it a shot.

Here goes nothin'.  Wish me luck.

Oh geeze

Last night I was super bored and a little down about Isaac and his new squeeze.  I texted Wade for the first time since August with a casual, "It's been awhile, how's it hangin'?" type text.  Now we have a skype date this weekend.  I have to admit, putting myself out there every now and then feels pretty good.  All I had to do was shoot him a simple text and he did the rest of the work for me.  Why does he have to live in another state?

In other news, my roommates are whores.  Seriously, I've never met girls who've made out with 10+ guys in one semester.  I'm puzzled as to how one can feel satisfied with that.  Making out is fun, I completely understand that (um, hello, remember Daniel?) but isn't one guy enough?  Doesn't it get old after awhile?  Don't you want something with more commitment than just a night or two of cuddling and kissing?  Every week they put me to shame, causing me to question whether or not I have any claim at all in calling this blog Confessions of a Mormon Skank.  Maybe I ought to invite them to be guest bloggers...

Gettin' serious

It's official, I'm changing my dating views from just having fun, to getting serious and finding someone to settle down with.  I don't know if it's because I'm here at school and marriage is everywhere, that I'm realizing all my friends are either married or having babies, or if I'm just growing up and becoming more mature along the way.  Whatever the cause, I'm finally ready to admit to myself that yes, I'm at BYU-Idaho to find a husband.

This doesn't mean I'm going to marry the first guy that comes along, don't get me wrong.  Marriage isn't necessarily my primary goal of being here, I'm getting a quality education.  I love my classes this semester, things are going really really well.

I'm excited for what the future holds.  I'ma get my marriage on.

My Dilemma

I have a problem.

I've got a friend with whom I spend a lot of time.  We hang out nearly every night, we walk to class together, we cuddle during movies, we text each other funny things.  I really kind of like this guy.  His name is Isaac.  I've been avoiding posting about him because I keep telling myself that I don't want to like him, he's just a good friend.  I feel like posting an official post about Isaac confirms my feelings for him.

It's a little late for confirmation because I've already written plenty of journal entries and every night I come home from his apartment, I'm grilled by my roommates about what's going on with the two of us.  Something is going on and I don't know what it is.  I'm not sure if it's just friendship, since he confides in me about the girls he's been talking to, or if it's something possibly more due to the fact that he makes me take his arm when we're walking about and he strokes my hand or leg or arm when we're watching a movie.  I'm desperate to know whether or not there really is something more there.

Here's my hold up: If I tell Isaac that I'm into him, I could lose the friendship, which I consider to be one that I hold most dear.  Along with his friendship, I could lose my friendship with all his roommates, with whom I also spend a lot of time with.  Or, if I told him and he got awkward, the friendship wouldn't necessarily be lost, but it could be tainted by the awkwardness of the situation.  Or, by some miracle, he could reveal that he's into me as well.  I don't know what to do.

I want to tell him, but I don't.

I'm not really like that

It's really hard having roommates who go on dates every night.  Literally, two of my roommates go out on (or decline) a date EVERY night.  Sometimes they have to debate over which guy they're going to say yes to that night.  I'm exhausted for them.  But also jealous.

I need to stop being one of the guys and girl it up a bit more.  But I don't want to become the kind of girl that makes out with a different guy every night.  My roommates are like that.  I've suddenly become acutely aware that I don't want to be the kind of girl this blog makes me out to be.  At least when I first started it, when I was meeting up with Daniel all the time.  I want to be the girl who dates guys, but doesn't slut around.

I do have a date this weekend, even if it's not one I'm really stoked about.  It's still a date.  I'm a little bit excited for it.

Despite it all

You know, despite having my meanderings out of my comfort zone with Aaron being utterly destroyed, I have to admit that I feel as though my self confidence has been rejuvenated.  This weekend I've walked a little taller, smiled at more boys, and felt prettier.  It's some weird psychological mindset that I had to get into and asking Aaron out was the trigger.

I've also been listening to things said in stake conference, general conference, and devotionals.  The reoccurring theme is "Stop living in anticipation of things to come, live in the now."  It's such a revelation to me, I'm a little baffled.  I think I was living with this great anticipation that one day, out of the blue, Mr. Right was going to waltz out of the crowd and then we'd start down the road towards our happily ever after.  Now I know that's not how it's supposed to work.  I'm not supposed to constantly be on edge, waiting for that moment when my life will begin.  I'm forgetting that I'm alive now, that I have things going for me.

It's a great feeling, having this sudden boost in self confidence.  I can't quite get over it.

THAT Girl

There's a reason I don't want to be that girl.  The kind of girl that pounces every boy she meets, who manages to sit next to whomever might be the hottest guy at a gathering, who practically forces her number on the male population, who struts up to a fellow after class and asks him out on a date.  I don't want to be that girl and here's why:

It's been my experience that guys want to work for a girl.  It's some weird testosterone thing that I don't quite understand, but I think it has something to do with conquering and feeling like a successful hunter.  There's a period in a relationship where things hinge between friendship and something bigger, flirtations tossed about with a gigantic question mark floating around.  The girl acts coy and reclusive, which allows for the boy to pry and pursue, with the intent of winning her over, causing her to open up and become his.

When a girl takes a more modern approach to dating, she often times finds herself either a) dating a pansy of a guy who allows her to bully the whole 'relationship' into whatever she wants, leaving her dissatisfied with the manliness of her partner.  b) going on dates with guys who are reluctant, if not repulsed, by her forward attitude. Or c) someone who's just not into her, but lets her make the moves up until something like hand holding happens...and gets awkward.   Basically, the 'modern', 'feminist' ways of women taking the lead don't usually end up working.

What's with girls making the moves anyway?  Isn't is emasculating for a guy to have a girl ask him out or take his hand?  If you're into a girl, you grow a pair and ask her out, right?  I sure hope so.

That girl isn't someone I want to be.  I want to have confidence, but I don't want to be overbearing and a man-chaser.  I want guys to think I'm happy and pretty and awesome, but I don't want to flaunt it like today's headlines.  I don't want to be the girl that asks guys on dates.  I don't want to be the move maker.  I want to be a risk taker, but not those kinds.

Operation ask Aaron for his number blew up in my face.  I don't want to go into any more depth than that.  I feel humiliated and the small glimpse of confidence (oh man, did I used to be confident...) is gone.  It's like it was a sign that I'm not supposed to be that girl, even in the slightest.

One more attempt at love failed.  That means I'm that much closer to success.

Today was the day I was going to give Aaron my number and leave the ball in his court.  Unfortunately, he didn't show for class.  I was all ready, I'd given myself a pep talk beforehand, and he didn't show.  Just my luck.  Is this a sign that I ought to just give up?  Maybe.

The only other guy I'm remotely interested in is always surrounded by swarms of girls and my roommate had no problem throwing herself at him over the weekend.  Blah, frustration.

Are you diggin' on me? Cause I'm diggin' on you

There's a guy in one of my classes that I'm completely diggin' on.  His name is Aaron.  We sit by each other and we joke and flirt practically the whole lesson.  I find this kid incredibly attractive, in a sort of dorky way.  I dig dorky guys.  And I like the sweaters he wears.  I really want to spend time with him outside of class, but that requires exchanging number and getting him to ask me to do something.

I've made the decision this semester that I don't want to be the one to ask for someone's number.  I don't want to be that kind of girl.  It's just so hard at BYU-Idaho, where there's a plethora of girls who have no problem being that girl!  I was with a friend last night and he said, "Girls asking boys on dates?  Yeah, that's weird."  I'm terrified of meeting someone I really want to get to know, not being patient, then screw everything up by being too forward.

So here's the deal with Aaron.  I called up Aiden and asked him his advice on how to get Aaron to ask for my number.  Aiden said I need to come up with some sort of activity, but one without a set date.  I'm supposed to invite him to the activity and hopefully he'll offer up his number or ask for mine.  I'm not convinced it's going to work, but I'm think I'm going to try it.  It's a round-about way of getting the kid's number without being one of those pushy, forward girls.

My heart aches

You know what makes me so sad?  When I see good friends of mine settle for guys who can't take them to them temple.  Girls that I love and cherish and I know have a testimony but yet they fall in love with the wrong guy and decide that "Maybe someday" is good enough for them.

One of my very dear friends left school, got pregnant with her first boyfriend (non-member, several years older than her), and is now married to him.  She commented on a picture of a temple that if they ever get sealed, she wants it to be in that particular temple.  I think my heart broke open and poured out to her.  How sad is that?  I hope that "If we ever get sealed" isn't something I ever utter about my husband.  The things that happen in the temple are so sacred and so vital, I can't imagine giving that up.  My heart just aches and aches for my dear friend.  She won't receive the blessing of the temple, she won't inherit eternal life or have eternal increase with her husband, whom she loves.  That BREAKS MY HEART.

All while I was growing up my mother always told me, "Date within the church.  Don't date non-members.  Want to know why, Leslie?  Because you never know who you're going to fall in love with."  I almost got engaged to a guy who was inactive but was telling me he was reading the scriptures and going to church.  He was really out drinking and getting tattoos (it was a long distance thing...)  It's a scary thing, love.  You really don't know who you're going to fall in love with, so dating members who have a testimony and can go to the temple with you is the insurance that you will end up with an eternal marriage.

I feel so sad for those couples who, for whatever reason, miss out on eternal life with their spouse.  Because really, who wants a 'til death do you part' marriage when you can have a 'for time and all eternity' marriage sealed by the power of the priesthood?

I won't settle.

Do you Devo?

If you weren't at devotional today, you missed out on Sister Dalton peeling an Idaho potato at the pulpit and telling the girls to stop hanging out.  The overall message of her talk was lovely, I greatly enjoyed it.  The bit about dating was hilarious.

I feel as though when those boys call me up to watch a scary movie tonight, I need to tell them, "Sorry, I'm busy tonight."

Blow to the Ego

I was sitting in one of my classes and a girl I've become friends with turned to me and asked, "This is your third semester, right?"  I told her this was my fifth and explained to her that I took some time off.  Her response was, "This is your fifth semester?  I'm surprised you're not engaged yet!"  OUCH.  I'm a spinster and I'm not even 25 yet.  What a blow.

She followed it up with, "Because you're, like, really gorgeous."  Okay, I guess I'll take that.

Self destructive habits

Last night before going to bed I was poking around on facebook, like everyone else and their grandma does.  One thing led to another and I found myself looking at Tyson's page.  I deleted him months ago, but I still occassionally stalk his only semi-private profile.  He's got a picture of himself and the new girl up as his profile picture.  That's new.   He's grown a beard, despite hating facial hair before his mission.

 

I dreamed that I saw him at institute and he asked for my phone number.  I felt angry and irritated and I was rude to him.  I got up and stormed out of institute, only to return with hopes that I could see and talk to Tyson again.  I looked around for him but realized he was already gone and I missed my opportunity to reconnect with him. 

 

On top of waking up sick this morning, I was in a bad mood.  I felt disgusted with myself for even dreaming regret about not being friends with Tyson.  What's wrong with my subconscious self?  I'm pretty sure there's a loose circut somewhere in there, because I know Tyson is no good.  I know that he's a giant douche bag who doesn't deserve an ounce of my attention, my pity or even my forgiveness.  I want to go back into my dream and slap myself around, yelling, "Pull yourself together!  He broke your heart!  Don't give him the satisfaction of crawling back to you and winning!"  I really need to get over this.  I need to move on.  

 

I'm not sure if I know how yet. 

Playing the BYUI Dating Game

BYU-Idaho has the reputation for having way more girls than guys.  The ratio was something like 3:1 when I started school here.  Despite rumors that it's more like 1.5:1 now, I don't believe it's gotten any better.  Nearly every class I have is overfilled with marriage hungry girls, claiming to be spinsters at age nineteen.

I don't know if it's just the actual ratio of girls to guys, but I feel as though the whole dating atmosphere here is a giant game of which-girl-can-be-more-aggressive.  Let's face it, if you aren't the type of girl to go hunt down the unwed men in your classes and practically force yourself on them, you're chances of happening upon a friendship with a male who is unattached is slim.  Part of that, however, I believe is attributed to the guys, but I'll touch on that later.

My mother taught me while growing up that women weren't meant to pursue.  She told me that I needed to calm the heck down, back off the poor boys, let them man up and come to me.  I've never been able to get the hang of that.  I am a go-getter.  I see something (or someone) I want and I get poised into attack mode...until I sense competition.  As soon as another girl steps into the picture, I lose all motivation.  I don't want to compete with another girl, I don't want to have to play the one-up game, I would rather not get the guy and fall to the way-side rather than compete.  Part of that is because I've lost many times to "the other girl", part of that is because suddenly it's not fun anymore, the chase loses all appeal.

Something about pursing a guy is intriguing.  It's fun to be flirty and silly and giddy.  It's fun to tease and be interesting to him.  But still, it's not fun to try and be the better girl.  I want a guy to like me for me and have him pick me over all the other girls, not because I was trying, but because he genuinely likes me.  I don't really think that's unreasonable.

That being said, I do feel like being here in Idaho is a better dating scene for me.  I don't want to get caught up in those competitions, though.  I want to be able to have fun and go out on dates and enjoy the company of men without having to worry about whether or not I'm impressing them more than the other girl they were just talking to.  It's exhausting.

Now, boys, here's some advice to you:  BE A MAN.  Take the lead, ask that cute girl in your class out even if you've only seen her from across the room.  Do cheesy things like passing notes or using silly pick up lines.  Although cheesy, we girls live for those kinds of things.  We write them down in our journals and text ALL of our girlfriends about them.

Just because the girls here at BYUI are cutthroat doesn't mean you should slack off in your duties as a male.  Don't get lazy and think, "Why should I ask girls out when there are so many throwing themselves at me?"  We're doing it only because we want to get to you before the other girl does.  I'm sure you'll have better luck dating if you're the one singling out the girls you want to get to know rather than only meeting and dating the girls who jump into your path with their marriage bell blaring.

In review....
Girls:  Stop being so aggressive!  Let things happen, be friendly, be cute, be flirty.
Boys:  Be a man.  Ask a lady you think is cute out.

Dear Guys at BYU-Idaho

Since returning to Rexburg this past weekend, I've already noticed a couple trends among the young men here.

1.  Popped collars.  What the heck is that?  I know it's not a new trend, it's been going on since I started going to school here.  I just don't get it.  You look like a douche.  You know what girls date douches?  Bimbos.  Bimbos aren't the kind of girls you want marrying you and raising your kids.  Just don't do it, let the collar lay where it's supposed to lay.

2.  The Euro Mullet.  Do you really think that's attractive?  It's only appropriate if you're from Spain or Germany and play soccer.  And no, going on your mission there doesn't count.  You look like you forgot to finish cutting your gross, moppy hair.

3.  What's the deal with not holding open the door for a lady?  Or for anyone, even.  If I'm walking in the building right behind you, my arms full of a GIGANTIC guitar case, I'd appreciate a little bit of chivalry.  I promise, every guy (or girl) who holds the door open for me, I will turn to you and say thanks.  Because I really appreciate it.

GEEZE LOUISE, BYUI MEN!

You know what gets my goat?

I've always had more guy friends than girl friends.  Guys are simple, girls are catty.  I don't like drama, I don't want to be around it, I try to avoid it.  This being the case, I end up with tons of guy friends.    But just because I'm "one of the guys" doesn't mean I'm not a girl.

I'm sick of being treated like the go-to girl for dating.  "Leslie, set me up with so-and-so!"  "What do you think of her, Leslie?  Do I have a chance?"  "Do you want to double with me so I can take her out?  I'm sure I have a friend who wouldn't mind going with you."  Wingman, wingman, wingman.  That is ALL I will ever be to these guys.  True, I do kind of bring it on myself by willingly becoming one of the guys, but GEEZE.  Way to hurt a girl's pride!

I have these friends who are constantly trying to get me to set them up with girls that I know.  They want phone numbers or me to arrange a movie night where they can have the opportunity to ask the girl out.  They want my advice on planning the date, how to dress and how much cologne to wear.  I'm supposed to get the girl to dish all her feelings about the date to me so I can report back to the guy.  Like a full time job, it's exhausting.  Not only that, but it kind of irks me when these guys are all appreciative and shower me in compliments like, "More girls should be like you" or "You're going to make a man really happy one day, Leslie.  Thanks for being so great"  Right around then I inhale and bite my tongue.     

Want to know how many dates I've gone on in the past two years I've spent at home?  Four.  FOUR DATES IN TWO YEARS.  That's a lot of weekends spent not on dates.  It kind of insults me that these guys have the balls to tell me I'm so awesome and ask for my help, yet they lack the ones they need to ask me out on a date.  I'm pretty, I'm smart, I'm sexy.  I know I'm these things, so why aren't these guys manning up to take me out?  Even as a friend, I'd still appreciate the offer.  

For now, I'll just tell myself they're too intimidated.