Tuesday and the big 180

I woke up on Tuesday morning knowing exactly what was going to happen that day.

I'm not sure if I had some sort of wild dream the night before that sparked this, but here was the plan that was hatched in the cold, wee hours of Tuesday morning:  While on campus, I was going to casually drop by Kirk's study area, request an audience with him (more like demand he come with him), get him in a deserted hallway and then kiss the heck out of him.  I was going to kiss him SO good he would forget how to breathe, think, speak.  It was going to be hot.  I was going to hold him close, our cheeks touching, put my lips against his ear and tell him I wasn't going to wait anymore.  This whole "let's not date right now" thing isn't jiving with me in the least bit.  I'm so done waiting so let's not wait anymore.

I chickened out before I got there.  I was on my way across campus, bundled up in the cutest warm clothes I could rummage up, and I froze, both literally and figuratively.  I was freezing cold and suddenly paralyzed by the thought of going to push myself on this guy who's been telling me one thing, but failing to make his actions match his words.  As much as I want to be with Kirk, I have to have a shred of dignity left in me, enough to try and wait for him to come and show me that that hug goodbye that we shared was a hint towards the future.

I turned around and went home.  When I got home, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and deleted Kirk's number.  I unfollowed him on instagram.

You guys.  I haven't texted Kirk in a week.  But he hasn't texted me in a week.  I never told him that I was going to delete his number, that I was going to really put the ball in his court, I just did it.  He's still doing nothing, sitting oblivious on his side of things.

It hurts.  I miss him, even the little we did get to talk and see each other.

I suppose I have no choice now but to keep on living, beginning down the road of forgetting.

So long, Kirk.  You could have been great.  

All Smiles

This weekend I went on a date.

I didn't know him very well, it's been kind of random the interaction we've had.  We talked in the library, we've exchanged a few texts over the past couple months, I all but forgot he exists.  His name is Kirk, he's from the area I'm from, but I never knew him back home.  I was feeling bored this weekend, as was he, so we decided to get together and spend time together for the first time pretty much ever.  I think I was more nervous for this than my date with Aaron, though I had more to be nervous about with him.  I can't really explain it other than I was excited and nervous and anxious for the date to happen.

When he picked me up, we went to G's Dairy and got ice cream before heading to Smith park to toss the frisbee around and talk a bit.  I've said it before, but there's nothing wrong with going to the park on a date.  I've been to them a lot recently and it's been kind of nice doing something lowkey as a first date rather than something overly planned like dinner, then a movie, then hanging out at someone's apartment, then going on a walk before saying goodnight.  It's great to have a whole day date, fellas, but maybe not until you really know the girl.  First date?  Remember to just KISS.  No, not plant one on her, I mean Keep It Simple, Stupid.  Don't over plan a first date.

Alas, I digress...  Back to Kirk and Smith park.  It was really fun.  We ate our ice cream and talked about our families and our hobbies.  I felt like family came up more than usual and I kept finding myself telling story after story about my parents.  Weird, but kind of nice.  My parents are the bomb, I love them.  It was so easy to laugh and get to know Kirk better.  His questions for me were interesting and things I hadn't ever really thought about.  I found myself telling him things I don't normally bring up on a first date.  Occasionally our hands would brush and I felt a surge of butterflies rip through my stomach.  It was such a perfect day, you have no idea.

After a couple hours he took me home and asked if he could walk me to the door and insisted that he get the car door for me (I love that.  I'm a sucker for a gentleman.)  When we got to my front door he gave me a good, slightly lingering hug, and said, "I had a really good time with you.  I'd like to see you again, maybe this next week.  May I call or text you?"  Of course, Kirk.  You may call on me as much as you like!

Shortly after he left I got a text message from him telling me again that he enjoyed our time together.  Que more butterflies.

Some of you may pause and beg the question, "What about Jake?  What about Aaron?"  I haven't spoken to Aaron in over a week.  He's dropped off the face of the planet.  He reads this blog (or does on occasion) so he should be aware that I don't know what his deal is, what he wants out of this, whether or not he just wanted to make out with someone or if he was genuinely interested in a relationship.  Either way, I'm not going to go out of my way to make something work with someone who doesn't return the favor.  Sorry, Aaron.  You're a good guy, I'm sure you'll find an awesome girl you can't get enough of.

I decided this past week that I'm not going to even lead Jake on a little bit anymore.  He's got too much baggage going on, I don't even want to attempt to deal with that.  He needs more time to get over his divorce, he needs to not cling to the first (okay, second) girl that comes along.  There's a girl out there for him, she's just not me.

I'm not banking on anything happening with Kirk.   I'm interested, though.  He's very...normal.  Interesting, but normal.  I like normal.  It's a good thing.  We'll see!