Sam and I watched a movie on Saturday night. He showed up on my doorstep with a blanket and immediately I knew he had snuggling in mind. You don't go to watch a movie with someone and show off this big, soft blanket you have without ulterior motives. This was a guy with a plan.
After we got the movie (Pan's Labyrinth-one of my favorites. He hadn't seen it before and wanted to watch it) started, we sat on the couch and sort of got cozy, but we weren't snuggling. He sat extremely close to me, our arms touching, but I still wasn't really feeling like making a move or being too flirty. Keep in mind this was the third time we had ever spent any time together. I still hardly know this guy. I'm in the mood to take things slow, date around, get to know a bunch of people before I start pursuing something with a specific guy. Eventually I want a relationship, but I need to alter my approach and getting super cozy on a third hang out/date isn't what I have in mind.
One of my pet peeves is chatting during movies. Sometimes it's okay, particularly if it's a social setting and it's more about the company than the movie, but when you have a movie like Pan's Labyrinth that is pretty serious and in another language, you might want to close your mouth and watch the freaking movie. Instead of pay attention to one of my very favorite movies, Sam wanted to chat. He wanted to poke me and then marvel that I'm not ticklish. He wanted to tell me how ticklish he is, clearly inviting me to be all cute and flirty and start a tickle war. If I wanted to have social hour, we would have picked a different movie. Part of the way through the movie I nearly paused it and said, "Do you want to watch this movie or go home? Because you're clearly not acting engaged at all" It's the kind of movie I like to watch with friends and then discuss it afterwards. Kind of hard to do that when they're not watching the movie...
Towards the end of the movie, after Sam had draped the blanket over both of us (awkwardly-only the very corner of it was covering my knees. If you're going to share a blanket, share the freaking blanket) he made this super awkward move to find my hands, which was clasped in my lap under the blanket, to hold my hand. I didn't know what to do so I just...let him hold my hand. In retrospect I know this was a mistake, especially because the whole time I kept thinking, "Leslie, what are you doing? This isn't what you want. You feel neutral about this guy!" But I let him.
And then I took it a step farther and I let him push me around and snuggle with me. I felt awkward and out of place. I wanted to say something, but I didn't want to crush this poor kid's hopes and dreams. He'd put his arms around me and we'd talk and talk and he'd make comments like, "You are just so interesting!" then he'd hug me really tight and press his head against mine, "I like you so much!" Uhhh....You've known me for less than two weeks. I believe that's called infatuation.
At one point it got quiet and he said, "I shouldn't do anything stupid. Or...well...unless that stupid thing wouldn't be stupid. Should I?" I told him, "Don't do anything stupid." He repeated the statement "I shouldn't do anything stupid" a few more times. I'm pretty sure he was insinuating that he wanted to kiss me and I absolutely wasn't going to let him do that. I can't feed this guy any more encouragement.
After he left that night I felt really awful for not telling him I didn't want to hold hands or snuggle. I felt like I lead him to thinking I want to date him and the more time I spend with him, the clearer it becomes that I don't want to be anything more than friends. I talked to Aiden about it. His advice was to "open your mouth, girl! You are too scared to speak your mind." With Aiden's encouragement I ended up sending a text (I'm so ashamed I didn't have the guts to do this in person and had to resort to text) telling him that I think he's a great guy, but I'm not ready for anything more than friendship.
When it comes down to it, you can hit it off with someone, but not feel any spark. If it isn't there, you can't force it, particularly if they try and force it to be there. It simply isn't happening with Sam. It would be convenient if I did have feelings for him, since he seems to ready to jump into a relationship with me, but I won't force it. I won't pretend I feel something I don't.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
The Giddiness Factor
When I go on a date, there are several ways in which being giddy plays a part: The giddiness before, the giddiness during, and the giddiness afterwards.
The Giddiness Before
There's something about the anticipation for a date that is really great. I get really antsy and my stomach becomes full of butterflies. At least this is what happens when I'm excited for a date, when I'm anxious to see him and the possibilities. With my date with Sam I felt a little ansty, but not as much I usually feel. My friends were more excited for me to go on this date than I was, but maybe that's because I didn't know him as well as they did. I don't know what it was, but I just wasn't as jazzed as I was hoping to be.
The Giddiness During
When you're out with someone you like, sometimes you lose the ability to hold a decent conversation because you're so caught up in wanting to say the right thing. At least this is what used to happen to me. I'm not sure when I changed, but over the past year or so I've kind of decided that there's no reason for me to allow giddiness or a desire to impress hold me back. I have nothing to prove to these guys, I simply just have to be myself and that ought to be enough. If it isn't, there's another guy out there.
On my date with Sam the conversation wasn't ever lacking. We talked a lot, shared a lot about our families, and over all it was really fun. Sam is the kind of guy who knows how to put a girl at ease and treat her well. He opened ever door for me, paid for everything (with giftcards) and didn't dominate the conversation with facts about himself, but rather allowed us to both share the spotlight. It was really fun, Sam is a top notch kind of guy.
We talked a little bit about the age difference, since he's two years younger than me, but he said he respects my maturity. I'm not bothered by his age, it's not really something that factors in unless he's super immature, which is not the case with Sam. After this conversation, however, he came out with the big guns. "When was the last relationship you had? What happened? Do you want kids? How many? Do you want a career? How will that work with having kids?" Oh. My. Gosh. Really? This was our first date. Slow down, sparky!
The Giddiness After
When I returned from my date with Sam I texted a bit with a friend of mine about a date she went on that night. She said it was alright, but she just wasn't feeling it. He asked her on another date and she said yes, but she felt pretty hesitant. In my eyes, if you don't come home from a date with a grin plastered on your face, you probably shouldn't go on another date with that person. If you're feeling pretty neutral about a date, doesn't that mean that there isn't the spark that everyone wants?
I want a spark. I want someone I can't get enough of. I want someone that after a date I have trouble falling asleep because I can't stop thinking about it. Yes, I'm a romantic.
So what did I feel after my date with Sam? Really neutral. He's a great guy, he makes me laugh, and he's clearly into me. Even so, I'm just not jumping up and down. We're going to watch a movie together tonight and I hope I'm not making a mistake in spending more time with him. I don't want to lead him on but I don't want to assume that there won't be anything there. We'll see how things go for a little bit. If we don't become something more, he has potential to be a really good, solid friend.
You just can't force a spark.
The Giddiness Before
There's something about the anticipation for a date that is really great. I get really antsy and my stomach becomes full of butterflies. At least this is what happens when I'm excited for a date, when I'm anxious to see him and the possibilities. With my date with Sam I felt a little ansty, but not as much I usually feel. My friends were more excited for me to go on this date than I was, but maybe that's because I didn't know him as well as they did. I don't know what it was, but I just wasn't as jazzed as I was hoping to be.
The Giddiness During
When you're out with someone you like, sometimes you lose the ability to hold a decent conversation because you're so caught up in wanting to say the right thing. At least this is what used to happen to me. I'm not sure when I changed, but over the past year or so I've kind of decided that there's no reason for me to allow giddiness or a desire to impress hold me back. I have nothing to prove to these guys, I simply just have to be myself and that ought to be enough. If it isn't, there's another guy out there.
On my date with Sam the conversation wasn't ever lacking. We talked a lot, shared a lot about our families, and over all it was really fun. Sam is the kind of guy who knows how to put a girl at ease and treat her well. He opened ever door for me, paid for everything (with giftcards) and didn't dominate the conversation with facts about himself, but rather allowed us to both share the spotlight. It was really fun, Sam is a top notch kind of guy.
We talked a little bit about the age difference, since he's two years younger than me, but he said he respects my maturity. I'm not bothered by his age, it's not really something that factors in unless he's super immature, which is not the case with Sam. After this conversation, however, he came out with the big guns. "When was the last relationship you had? What happened? Do you want kids? How many? Do you want a career? How will that work with having kids?" Oh. My. Gosh. Really? This was our first date. Slow down, sparky!
The Giddiness After
When I returned from my date with Sam I texted a bit with a friend of mine about a date she went on that night. She said it was alright, but she just wasn't feeling it. He asked her on another date and she said yes, but she felt pretty hesitant. In my eyes, if you don't come home from a date with a grin plastered on your face, you probably shouldn't go on another date with that person. If you're feeling pretty neutral about a date, doesn't that mean that there isn't the spark that everyone wants?
I want a spark. I want someone I can't get enough of. I want someone that after a date I have trouble falling asleep because I can't stop thinking about it. Yes, I'm a romantic.
So what did I feel after my date with Sam? Really neutral. He's a great guy, he makes me laugh, and he's clearly into me. Even so, I'm just not jumping up and down. We're going to watch a movie together tonight and I hope I'm not making a mistake in spending more time with him. I don't want to lead him on but I don't want to assume that there won't be anything there. We'll see how things go for a little bit. If we don't become something more, he has potential to be a really good, solid friend.
You just can't force a spark.
Enter Sam Man
Here's how I met Sam: It was Christmas break and all was well, though slightly uneventful. My friends invited me out one night to go watch a movie or two to get into the Christmas spirit. I knew everyone there, they were all from my singles ward at home, but then Frank (remember him from forever ago?) showed up with Sam. Here is a guy who, as it turns out, goes to BYUI and served in the same mission as Frank. His family recently moved to the area and Frank decided to help him get to know some people while he was home, even though he's heading back to Rexburg in January.
We hit it off, joked around a bit, and became friends. I have to admit that dating wasn't on my radar that night; I was simply enjoying the company of sone friends. I didn't think anything of it when Sam friend requested me on Facebook a couple days later. That's what our generation does, right? We meet someone and then we Facebook friend them and stalk their page so we can learn everything we know about them.
The day after Christmas Sam popped up on my FB chat asking about my holiday (which was great, by the way). He eventually said, "My Internet is really crappy. Would you mind if we texted instead?" That sly dog.
By texting Sam meant talking ALL NIGHT. If I didn't respond to a text within ten minutes, he sent another one. He kept working things like, "you are going to make some guy very lucky one day" and "you are too cute to have not attracted a guy yet. And you have cute winks" and "1-100 what are my chances?" This kind of forwardness makes me a little uncomfortable and awkward. He's a nice guy, so I didn't want to shoot him down, but geeze Louise! Don't you think that's a little bit of overkill? Not to mention Frank let it slip to me that Sam just recently got out of a relationship. Rebound much?
He asked me out to dinner and I said yes. It's only fair to give him a chance, particularly because we do get along really well. You never know what could happenen. At this point I'm not seeking anything out, but I'm not opposed to it.
We hit it off, joked around a bit, and became friends. I have to admit that dating wasn't on my radar that night; I was simply enjoying the company of sone friends. I didn't think anything of it when Sam friend requested me on Facebook a couple days later. That's what our generation does, right? We meet someone and then we Facebook friend them and stalk their page so we can learn everything we know about them.
The day after Christmas Sam popped up on my FB chat asking about my holiday (which was great, by the way). He eventually said, "My Internet is really crappy. Would you mind if we texted instead?" That sly dog.
By texting Sam meant talking ALL NIGHT. If I didn't respond to a text within ten minutes, he sent another one. He kept working things like, "you are going to make some guy very lucky one day" and "you are too cute to have not attracted a guy yet. And you have cute winks" and "1-100 what are my chances?" This kind of forwardness makes me a little uncomfortable and awkward. He's a nice guy, so I didn't want to shoot him down, but geeze Louise! Don't you think that's a little bit of overkill? Not to mention Frank let it slip to me that Sam just recently got out of a relationship. Rebound much?
He asked me out to dinner and I said yes. It's only fair to give him a chance, particularly because we do get along really well. You never know what could happenen. At this point I'm not seeking anything out, but I'm not opposed to it.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Auld Lang Syne
New Year's Eve is approaching.
When I was a senior in high school I had this boyfriend, Peter, who was super handsome and a complete gentleman. We passed notes between classes and spent our first period class sending really cutesy glances down the row at each other. Our relationship was fairly brief, but it was for the best, since he wasn't a member and my mother was really afraid I'd fall in love with him and give up the eternal marriage I had been striving for ever since I can remember.
To this day Peter is the only guy I've shared a New Year's kiss with (I don't count my New Year's make out two years ago with Daniel, since it was after midnight) and it was less than stellar. He brought a friend with him to my friend LeAnna's house and the four of us watched The Sixth Sense. Something was wrong with the TV so the movie only showed up in shades of red (creepy, considering the movie and the significance of red) so the four of us paired off, myself and Peter, LeAnna and Peter's friend, then spent the entire movie making out insead of watching it.
I can't say there was anything magical about that evening. Most of it wasn't even memorable so all that's left is a big huge blur of mediocre kisses and a red Bruce Willis. We probably had some cider, maybe some chocolate covered strawberries.
My most memorable New Year's Eve was spent on the strip in Las Vegas. I went with a bunch of friends, we rented one hotel room, pushed the beds together, and slept on our sides, packed onto the bed like a bunch of spooning sardines. We wandered the forum shops, ate at buffets, watched street performers, laughed at the drunken madness that surrounded us... We split off into pairs for the evening, with the intention of meeting back at Caesar's Palace for the count down. I was paired off with a guy who we knew from when he served his mission in our singles ward. Now he was off his mission and one of the gang. The kid was gorgeous. He bought us venecian masks and held my hand as we watched the Bellagio fountains dance. It was romantic, but still pretty platonic. We didn't find the rest of our group, instead we counted down together and cheered. There was no kiss at midnight, but I wasn't disappointed. It was the best New Year's Eve I've ever had.
I hope this New Year's Eve is memorable, with or without a New Year's kiss.
When I was a senior in high school I had this boyfriend, Peter, who was super handsome and a complete gentleman. We passed notes between classes and spent our first period class sending really cutesy glances down the row at each other. Our relationship was fairly brief, but it was for the best, since he wasn't a member and my mother was really afraid I'd fall in love with him and give up the eternal marriage I had been striving for ever since I can remember.
To this day Peter is the only guy I've shared a New Year's kiss with (I don't count my New Year's make out two years ago with Daniel, since it was after midnight) and it was less than stellar. He brought a friend with him to my friend LeAnna's house and the four of us watched The Sixth Sense. Something was wrong with the TV so the movie only showed up in shades of red (creepy, considering the movie and the significance of red) so the four of us paired off, myself and Peter, LeAnna and Peter's friend, then spent the entire movie making out insead of watching it.
I can't say there was anything magical about that evening. Most of it wasn't even memorable so all that's left is a big huge blur of mediocre kisses and a red Bruce Willis. We probably had some cider, maybe some chocolate covered strawberries.
My most memorable New Year's Eve was spent on the strip in Las Vegas. I went with a bunch of friends, we rented one hotel room, pushed the beds together, and slept on our sides, packed onto the bed like a bunch of spooning sardines. We wandered the forum shops, ate at buffets, watched street performers, laughed at the drunken madness that surrounded us... We split off into pairs for the evening, with the intention of meeting back at Caesar's Palace for the count down. I was paired off with a guy who we knew from when he served his mission in our singles ward. Now he was off his mission and one of the gang. The kid was gorgeous. He bought us venecian masks and held my hand as we watched the Bellagio fountains dance. It was romantic, but still pretty platonic. We didn't find the rest of our group, instead we counted down together and cheered. There was no kiss at midnight, but I wasn't disappointed. It was the best New Year's Eve I've ever had.
I hope this New Year's Eve is memorable, with or without a New Year's kiss.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Step One in Finding Love
What is the first step to finding the love of your life?
In my research on the topic, I've found a few different theories on what that big first step is such as "believe in it" or even "take a deep breath and let yourself fall in love." Although these are good ideas, I don't think either of them are the real first step in finding love. No, the first step is something that takes a lot of time, that is personal and essential. In order to fall in love with someone else, you must first learn how to love and accept yourself.
We're not talking narcissistic love, we're talking about learning how to appreciate yourself, be confident, accept that you have insecurities and move forward. Ever since Kirk and I broke up, I've been trying to appreciate myself more and realize what I deserve and what I can do on my own, without a guy there with me. Through this experience I've realized that I've spent too much time trying to allow someone else to complete me.
My parents have taught me to be independent and self sufficient. My mom did her best to enstill the idea in my head that I don't have to have a man in my life to be able to be sucessful and that getting married and having a family, although it's important, isn't my only goal in life. She taught me to find something I'm passionate about, to study it, to perfect it, to come up with a plan to make something of myself. I've been working on that and I'm proud to say that as soon as I graduate, I'll be ready to get out into the world and make myself known. I have a passion and I'm good at it. It has nothing to do with men, it has nothing to do with my love life. It's purely something I do for myself. It's so fulfilling, you have no idea. It give me drive to get through school to know that I'm spending money on, not only my education, but my future. My self worth is through the roof right now.
Something else I've learned about myself this past semester: I can do hard things. To say the Lord has thrown me a few huge stumbling blocks recently would be putting it lightly. This past semester was the most difficult semester of my entire life. If something bad was going to happen, it happened. But I made it! Not only did I make it, but I made it out on top, still smiling, loving life every day. I feel awesome about where I am now and what I've made it through. I feel better prepared for my future as an individual and my future as a wife and mother.
So while I've had some rough things thrown my way, I think I've learned to love myself a little more, to appreciate what I can do, what I love, and better understand what I deserve in life. The Lord has a funny way of working.
Love yourself a little more this Christmas season. You can't truly love someone else until you know how great you are and what you deserve. Once you see it in yourself, you can go and share what you have to give with someone who will give all they can to you.
In my research on the topic, I've found a few different theories on what that big first step is such as "believe in it" or even "take a deep breath and let yourself fall in love." Although these are good ideas, I don't think either of them are the real first step in finding love. No, the first step is something that takes a lot of time, that is personal and essential. In order to fall in love with someone else, you must first learn how to love and accept yourself.
We're not talking narcissistic love, we're talking about learning how to appreciate yourself, be confident, accept that you have insecurities and move forward. Ever since Kirk and I broke up, I've been trying to appreciate myself more and realize what I deserve and what I can do on my own, without a guy there with me. Through this experience I've realized that I've spent too much time trying to allow someone else to complete me.
My parents have taught me to be independent and self sufficient. My mom did her best to enstill the idea in my head that I don't have to have a man in my life to be able to be sucessful and that getting married and having a family, although it's important, isn't my only goal in life. She taught me to find something I'm passionate about, to study it, to perfect it, to come up with a plan to make something of myself. I've been working on that and I'm proud to say that as soon as I graduate, I'll be ready to get out into the world and make myself known. I have a passion and I'm good at it. It has nothing to do with men, it has nothing to do with my love life. It's purely something I do for myself. It's so fulfilling, you have no idea. It give me drive to get through school to know that I'm spending money on, not only my education, but my future. My self worth is through the roof right now.
Something else I've learned about myself this past semester: I can do hard things. To say the Lord has thrown me a few huge stumbling blocks recently would be putting it lightly. This past semester was the most difficult semester of my entire life. If something bad was going to happen, it happened. But I made it! Not only did I make it, but I made it out on top, still smiling, loving life every day. I feel awesome about where I am now and what I've made it through. I feel better prepared for my future as an individual and my future as a wife and mother.
So while I've had some rough things thrown my way, I think I've learned to love myself a little more, to appreciate what I can do, what I love, and better understand what I deserve in life. The Lord has a funny way of working.
Love yourself a little more this Christmas season. You can't truly love someone else until you know how great you are and what you deserve. Once you see it in yourself, you can go and share what you have to give with someone who will give all they can to you.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Absenteeism
It's nearly finals week, ya'll. I am up to my tear ducts in homework. The end of the semester is killing me. I want to lay on the floor and wimper all the the time. And never move from that spot.
Because of this I won't be blogging until the semester is over. I apologize ahead of time for the absenteeism.
I will, however, be on Twitter. I can't seem to leave that shiz alone. #addictedtoTwitter
Because of this I won't be blogging until the semester is over. I apologize ahead of time for the absenteeism.
I will, however, be on Twitter. I can't seem to leave that shiz alone. #addictedtoTwitter
Thursday, November 29, 2012
I Love Those Days
Do you ever have those days that are, in actuality, just like any other day but something inside you is just bursting with happiness? It's the kind of day that's kind of like this scene from 500 Days of Summer except that it's not set off by having sex with Zoey Dechanel or anyone, but rather you just wake up and everything seems to be right. Everyone seems extra friendly and you seem to be unreasonably happy, like you might just burst into spontaneous song and dance in the middle of the crossroads and everyone around you will be dancing on the tables in color-coordinating outfits.
I had one of those days this week. Sure, I'm hella stressed out about finals and all the stuff I haven't even started yet, but I just couldn't help but feel really awesome! I was walking around campus and these guys would walk past me, smile and say, "Hey! How are you?" In a way it was a little jarring, since it breaks a social norm of keeping to yourself when you're out and about, but at the same time it was really nice to have people make that effort to smile and say hello. It was really nice.
Then I went to work and it was like all of the attractive young men in this town decided to all come to my work that night. There was even one moment when I was helping this guy (pretty cute guy) and he was totally flirting it up in an almost painfully obvious way and I let him walk out the door without getting too deep into conversation. GAH! What if he NEVER comes back in? Bummer. Could have been awesome.
Regardless of letting that guy walk away, it was a glorious day. I was really happy. I still feel it lingering.
Things are looking up.
Then I went to work and it was like all of the attractive young men in this town decided to all come to my work that night. There was even one moment when I was helping this guy (pretty cute guy) and he was totally flirting it up in an almost painfully obvious way and I let him walk out the door without getting too deep into conversation. GAH! What if he NEVER comes back in? Bummer. Could have been awesome.
Regardless of letting that guy walk away, it was a glorious day. I was really happy. I still feel it lingering.
Things are looking up.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Weird Encounters of The Third Kind
Strange things happen to me. Seriously, sometimes I take a step back and say. "Did that just happen?"
Last week I was sitting in the library trying to get a few things done before the break and I had the most random run in. I was completely absorbed in this paper I was writing when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned to see this guy that is routinely in the library when I am, though he's not someone I really paid too much attention to. He looked a little familiar, but that's probably because he reminds me of my younger brother.
He said to me, "Are you [insert my real name here]?" I'm pretty sure I just stared at him with my mouth open and this look of utter confusion on my face. I nodded and kind of laughed. "Yeah, I am. Wha...who are you?"
His name is Marcus Farnsworth. He served in the same mission as my older brother and apparently my brother shared pictures and stories with this guy (and others, but Marcus seems to remember a lot of details about me.) He had recently gone to a mission reunion in Utah and had talked with my brother a bunch. He told Marcus that I'm up here at school and Marcus finally put two and two together and recognized me, then felt the need to tell me. We talked for a bit, he spewed quite a bit of knowledge about me and what I was doing two years ago while he and my brother were in the mission field. He even sent me a letter once, but I only vaguely remember it.
It got awkward and I didn't know what else to say, so I told him we should do something sometime. We exchanged phone numbers and he eventually went back to his studying. I immediately texted my brother and told him what happened. He said, "Did he ask you out? He's so weird."
Great. I just gave my number to a weirdo.
Why didn't my brother have any cute, funny, flirty guys write me?
Last week I was sitting in the library trying to get a few things done before the break and I had the most random run in. I was completely absorbed in this paper I was writing when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned to see this guy that is routinely in the library when I am, though he's not someone I really paid too much attention to. He looked a little familiar, but that's probably because he reminds me of my younger brother.
He said to me, "Are you [insert my real name here]?" I'm pretty sure I just stared at him with my mouth open and this look of utter confusion on my face. I nodded and kind of laughed. "Yeah, I am. Wha...who are you?"
His name is Marcus Farnsworth. He served in the same mission as my older brother and apparently my brother shared pictures and stories with this guy (and others, but Marcus seems to remember a lot of details about me.) He had recently gone to a mission reunion in Utah and had talked with my brother a bunch. He told Marcus that I'm up here at school and Marcus finally put two and two together and recognized me, then felt the need to tell me. We talked for a bit, he spewed quite a bit of knowledge about me and what I was doing two years ago while he and my brother were in the mission field. He even sent me a letter once, but I only vaguely remember it.
It got awkward and I didn't know what else to say, so I told him we should do something sometime. We exchanged phone numbers and he eventually went back to his studying. I immediately texted my brother and told him what happened. He said, "Did he ask you out? He's so weird."
Great. I just gave my number to a weirdo.
Why didn't my brother have any cute, funny, flirty guys write me?
Saturday, November 24, 2012
How Not To Breakup With Someone
If you're planning on ending things with that significant other, don't do it like this:
- Over Text Message. Breakups aren't the only thing that shouldn't be done over text, NOTHING serious ought to be done over text. It's impersonal and, frankly, the cowards way out. Don't ever ever EVER think of using text message to break up with someone or to talk about something important.
- Over the phone. This is just a step above texting. Just don't do it.
- On Facebook. I shouldn't have to even explain this one. It's a given.
- Through a friend. Again, cowards way out.
- Using the excuse of "I prayed about it and it just doesn't feel right." You may have prayed about it, but you don't need to lean on that. Be upfront. Tell the girl/guy that it's just not working out for you. I know we're spiritual people, but sometimes those revelations don't need to be shared or explained. Sometimes what people need to hear is that it's not going to work for YOU, no matter what the reason behind it.
- By letting them down easy, leaving them with false hope. Don't ever say, "It isn't going to work our now, maybe in the future." If you want to break up for good, don't say, "Let's take a break." or "I want to try dating some other people, but I still like you and want to date you." Either you want to date that person or you don't. Pick one, don't leave the other person in this "maybe someday" limbo. You might think your intentions are clear, but they're not.
Be honest. Be direct. Don't beat around the bush. Be gentle. Be kind.
Monday, November 19, 2012
#TwitterDate
Let's be honest, I like to flirt. I also really like Twitter. It only makes sense that I really like flirting ON Twitter. With the cold weather hitting, I posted a few times about accepting applications for a cuddle buddy. It started out as kind of a joke, but let's face it, who couldn't use a cuddle buddy in the winter? Or all the time? I am always down for a good cuddle.
Enter Joseph. Here's a fun, good-looking guy who started retweeting all of my cuddle buddy tweets. So, because I like Twitter, flirting, AND cute boys, I started flirting a bit with him, telling him to submit an application. It was refreshing to just relax and have fun talking to this guy, you have no idea. To say that this semester has put a few stumbling blocks in my path would be an understatement. This ended up as a great escape, something that could simply be fun and void of stress. It's about TIME, Universe. Sheesh.
Enter Joseph. Here's a fun, good-looking guy who started retweeting all of my cuddle buddy tweets. So, because I like Twitter, flirting, AND cute boys, I started flirting a bit with him, telling him to submit an application. It was refreshing to just relax and have fun talking to this guy, you have no idea. To say that this semester has put a few stumbling blocks in my path would be an understatement. This ended up as a great escape, something that could simply be fun and void of stress. It's about TIME, Universe. Sheesh.
Things escalated rapidly and, because of the impending doom of winter and the fact that I really have nothing to lose, I told Joseph to go ahead, name a time and place and I'd be there. Apparently Joseph had nothing to lose, either, because it totally happened. Yes, you read that correct, I went on a date with the dashing Joseph Struhs.
There were a few moments when I was sitting in the Cocoa Bean waiting for him to show up and I thought, "What if he wasn't serious? What if he stands me up?" But the feeling didn't stick around very long; he didn't stand me up. When Joseph walked through the door, I had a split second to decide whether or not I was going to wave, smile, or sit and do nothing and let him figure out who I was. I smiled. He walked over and I awkwardly stood up to shake his hand.
You know, I don't think of myself as an awkward person, but sometimes I feel like I get overwhelmed by awkward situations and I simply can't escape them. I had a million thoughts going through my head at that moment, wondering if I was making a decent first impression, should I pick my coat up from the chair, what drink do I want? I get so anxious in these awkward moments that I take on the attributes of awkwardness. Hopefully it wasn't too transparent that I felt that way...
The date was kind of a blur beyond that. He was really nice, we have a lot of things in common. I'm fairly certain we could easily share our music collections and like a lot of what the other has. I mean, how can you go wrong with a guy who loves Mumford and Sons as much as I do? Psh, c'mon, Joseph. We jive too easily.
We're going to make dinner together sometime soon. Turns out we have a mutual friend and all three of us love to eat, so it's perfect! I think it's safe to say that this Twitter date was pretty successful.
Cheers!
You know, I don't think of myself as an awkward person, but sometimes I feel like I get overwhelmed by awkward situations and I simply can't escape them. I had a million thoughts going through my head at that moment, wondering if I was making a decent first impression, should I pick my coat up from the chair, what drink do I want? I get so anxious in these awkward moments that I take on the attributes of awkwardness. Hopefully it wasn't too transparent that I felt that way...
The date was kind of a blur beyond that. He was really nice, we have a lot of things in common. I'm fairly certain we could easily share our music collections and like a lot of what the other has. I mean, how can you go wrong with a guy who loves Mumford and Sons as much as I do? Psh, c'mon, Joseph. We jive too easily.
We're going to make dinner together sometime soon. Turns out we have a mutual friend and all three of us love to eat, so it's perfect! I think it's safe to say that this Twitter date was pretty successful.
Cheers!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Kirk: The Last Chapter [hopefully]
Kirk is pissing me off.
I'm at the point where I know it won't go anywhere with him, even if he decides to treat me like a person and talk to me. However, I'm not okay with how things have ended. It's been two and a half weeks since we had a conversation. A conversation that ended when I told him that he owes it to me to tell me what he wants or doesn't want...and he never responded.
If you want to hurt someone, drop them cold turkey.
It pisses me off that he would act that way. It hurts me to think that he doesn't think I deserve at least saying he doesn't want to talk. Most of the time I'm okay and I don't think about him, but other times I think about it and I feel sick. After all I went through with Tyson, you'd think I'd have grown thick enough skin to deal with this kind of treatment, but I guess there's no getting used to it.
Kirk ended up being the biggest coward I've ever met. It's nice to know that there's some comfort in knowing I dodged that bullet. Still hurts, though.
Live and learn.
I'm at the point where I know it won't go anywhere with him, even if he decides to treat me like a person and talk to me. However, I'm not okay with how things have ended. It's been two and a half weeks since we had a conversation. A conversation that ended when I told him that he owes it to me to tell me what he wants or doesn't want...and he never responded.
If you want to hurt someone, drop them cold turkey.
It pisses me off that he would act that way. It hurts me to think that he doesn't think I deserve at least saying he doesn't want to talk. Most of the time I'm okay and I don't think about him, but other times I think about it and I feel sick. After all I went through with Tyson, you'd think I'd have grown thick enough skin to deal with this kind of treatment, but I guess there's no getting used to it.
Kirk ended up being the biggest coward I've ever met. It's nice to know that there's some comfort in knowing I dodged that bullet. Still hurts, though.
Live and learn.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Freshman Girls
I read a tweet today saying how all the guys on this campus go for the stupid, 18 year old, freshman girls. It is SO TRUE. I don't know what it is about naive girl-children that makes the boys at this school lose everything.
Please, will someone enlighten me? Are you men afraid of older girls, girls who've had more education, who have goals and motivation? Do you all just want 18 year old baby-making machines without brains in their heads?
Don't get me wrong, not all 18 year old girls are like that, but I see the vast majority of the guys going for the girls who fit the young, family studies majors mold. It drives me crazy.
EDIT:: I don't mean to lump everyone who is a family studies major into one category. On the contrary, a few of my best friends are family studies majors or minors, there's nothing wrong with the major. There is something wrong with the guys at this school who only want young girls who seem to be planning on being homemakers. Again, I'm not knocking girls who plan on being homemakers. I plan on being a homemaker, allowing my husband to be the breadwinner of the family.
I'm simply creating a stereotype for the girls guys at this school go for.
Please, will someone enlighten me? Are you men afraid of older girls, girls who've had more education, who have goals and motivation? Do you all just want 18 year old baby-making machines without brains in their heads?
Don't get me wrong, not all 18 year old girls are like that, but I see the vast majority of the guys going for the girls who fit the young, family studies majors mold. It drives me crazy.
EDIT:: I don't mean to lump everyone who is a family studies major into one category. On the contrary, a few of my best friends are family studies majors or minors, there's nothing wrong with the major. There is something wrong with the guys at this school who only want young girls who seem to be planning on being homemakers. Again, I'm not knocking girls who plan on being homemakers. I plan on being a homemaker, allowing my husband to be the breadwinner of the family.
I'm simply creating a stereotype for the girls guys at this school go for.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
3rd Floor of the McKay Library
Ladies and gents, grab your pens and pencils; this post is important.
There's a poster somewhere around campus that says something along the lines of, "70% of the dates are found on the 3rd floor of the library" I've always laughed when I see this, but it's true that the 3rd floor is a bit of a meat market. If you've ever studied up there, chances are you've been hit on by some guy or you've made eyes at the girl sitting at the computer diagonal from you. We're all Mormon, we're all aware of the constant push to get married.
It's like how around Valentine's Day or Christmas there just seems to be love in the air and people start getting together. That love that's in the air on those holidays? Yeah, it's always present on the 3rd floor of the library. It lingers just above everyone's heads like a cloud, raining bits of flirtatious luck over certain people. It's kind of fun, I rather enjoy being up on the 3rd floor, occasionally batting my lashes at handsome men.
But is there a special technique to catching a man (or lady) in the library? Sammie and I had this conversation the other day, which is actually what lead me to write this post. It wouldn't be complete without this:
Sammie: Just studying in the library, waiting for my E.C. to come sweep me off my feet
Leslie: Hahaha. You know, I hear the library is good for that.
Sammie: Yeah me too, that's why I showered beforehand. So far it's not working...lol
Leslie: You need some pheromones or something
Sammie: Seriously
Leslie: Bethany and I are making all sorts of plans to hunt boys down. Time to get serious
Sammie: I am IN
Leslie: And in the library, don't have headphones in. If a guy sits near you, do a ring check. If the coast is clear, then smile really big when he makes that awkward eye contact with you. There are all sorts of ways to pick up a dude in the library. I've been practicing.
Sammie: Hahaha oh my gosh
Leslie: Comment on their books or something. Their backpack, their coat. It works.
Sammie: I first read books as boobs. Nice boobs. hahaha
Leslie: I can't stop laughing. I've been reading this conversation aloud to Bethany because it's so funny.
Sammie: Does she have any pro tips? Because I think I've graduated from easygoing status to hella desperate. I can feel my ovaries drying up as we speak.
Leslie: So what you're saying is you want a baby.
Sammie: Eventually
Leslie: Tell that to a guy then say, "And I want it to be yours." or "I want it to have your eyes, because I could stare in them all day."
Sammie: Hi I'm Sammie. How's your sperm count?
Clearly we think we're pretty funny. In actuality Sammie is way funnier than I am, I freaking love that girl.
But seriously, there are tops of tips and tricks to picking someone up in the library. Not putting headphones in is key, since headphones block out the rest of the world and make it really hard to hold a conversation. Last week I was on the 3rd floor and I pulled out a giant textbook to read a chapter and the guy next to me looked over and made a comment. I had to take out my headphones and say, "I'm sorry, what?" He commented on the size of the textbook. Me, being as stupid as I can be, put my headphones back in after saying something like, "Haha, yeah, it's gianormous" and I failed to notice that he was going to try and perpetuate the conversation. GAH, LESLIE. FAIL. He was pretty cute, too. Headphones are a no-go!
The ring check is so cliche, but so essential here at BYU-Idaho. I can't even tell you how many times I've thought, "Man, that guy is really cute!" Then I did a ring check and instantly he was out of my field of vision because there it was, a little silver band across his ring finger. Married. Unfortunately there isn't a ring for guys who are dating someone and very few guys who are engaged wear ring, though I think they should. Perhaps we ought to force everyone to wear an Irish claddagh ring that way we can always know someone's relationship status without having to thoroughly stalk their facebook profile.
The eye contact and smile is KEY to flirting in the library. Too often I see people in the library who have these perma-scowls slapped on their faces. No one is going to want to talk to you if you look like you just realize that what you thought was Friday is actually Tuesday. Lighten up, be friendly! You have got to make yourself approachable and warm and being able to smile is a big step. One this window is opened, people will want to talk to you.
But does this really work? Let me tell you a little story.
This past week I was having a really awful day. Like, a really awful day. I went to the library to work on a paper between classes and when I sat down at the computer, the guy sitting diagonally from me locked eyes with me and flashed me this gorgeous smile. Seriously, my really awful day was instantly brighter. I started doing my homework, while occasionally glancing this fellow's way. We caught each other's gaze a few times and each time we smiled and sort of laughed. I was going to make conversation, but his friend ended up coming to sit by him and the two of them swapped girl troubles, part of the time in Spanish (which was kind of effective, since I'm not fluent, but I know enough Spanish to know what they were talking about. HA!)
It's not a perfect example of flirting in the library working, particularly because I left my phone number with him and I never heard from him (which is understandable, considering he was talking to his friend about a girl he's been dating on and off) but it's still an example of how opening yourself up makes it easier for people to have at least some sort of interaction. Smiling at me was enough to make my day better, so I'm not really bitter about him not utilizing my phone number.
Got any advice on how to flirt on the 3rd floor of the library? Leave them in the comments!
Also, please respond to the poll that is found in the right sidebar of my blog! We'll see where ya'll really like to meet new people.
There's a poster somewhere around campus that says something along the lines of, "70% of the dates are found on the 3rd floor of the library" I've always laughed when I see this, but it's true that the 3rd floor is a bit of a meat market. If you've ever studied up there, chances are you've been hit on by some guy or you've made eyes at the girl sitting at the computer diagonal from you. We're all Mormon, we're all aware of the constant push to get married.
It's like how around Valentine's Day or Christmas there just seems to be love in the air and people start getting together. That love that's in the air on those holidays? Yeah, it's always present on the 3rd floor of the library. It lingers just above everyone's heads like a cloud, raining bits of flirtatious luck over certain people. It's kind of fun, I rather enjoy being up on the 3rd floor, occasionally batting my lashes at handsome men.
But is there a special technique to catching a man (or lady) in the library? Sammie and I had this conversation the other day, which is actually what lead me to write this post. It wouldn't be complete without this:
Sammie: Just studying in the library, waiting for my E.C. to come sweep me off my feet
Leslie: Hahaha. You know, I hear the library is good for that.
Sammie: Yeah me too, that's why I showered beforehand. So far it's not working...lol
Leslie: You need some pheromones or something
Sammie: Seriously
Leslie: Bethany and I are making all sorts of plans to hunt boys down. Time to get serious
Sammie: I am IN
Leslie: And in the library, don't have headphones in. If a guy sits near you, do a ring check. If the coast is clear, then smile really big when he makes that awkward eye contact with you. There are all sorts of ways to pick up a dude in the library. I've been practicing.
Sammie: Hahaha oh my gosh
Leslie: Comment on their books or something. Their backpack, their coat. It works.
Sammie: I first read books as boobs. Nice boobs. hahaha
Leslie: I can't stop laughing. I've been reading this conversation aloud to Bethany because it's so funny.
Sammie: Does she have any pro tips? Because I think I've graduated from easygoing status to hella desperate. I can feel my ovaries drying up as we speak.
Leslie: So what you're saying is you want a baby.
Sammie: Eventually
Leslie: Tell that to a guy then say, "And I want it to be yours." or "I want it to have your eyes, because I could stare in them all day."
Sammie: Hi I'm Sammie. How's your sperm count?
Clearly we think we're pretty funny. In actuality Sammie is way funnier than I am, I freaking love that girl.
But seriously, there are tops of tips and tricks to picking someone up in the library. Not putting headphones in is key, since headphones block out the rest of the world and make it really hard to hold a conversation. Last week I was on the 3rd floor and I pulled out a giant textbook to read a chapter and the guy next to me looked over and made a comment. I had to take out my headphones and say, "I'm sorry, what?" He commented on the size of the textbook. Me, being as stupid as I can be, put my headphones back in after saying something like, "Haha, yeah, it's gianormous" and I failed to notice that he was going to try and perpetuate the conversation. GAH, LESLIE. FAIL. He was pretty cute, too. Headphones are a no-go!
The ring check is so cliche, but so essential here at BYU-Idaho. I can't even tell you how many times I've thought, "Man, that guy is really cute!" Then I did a ring check and instantly he was out of my field of vision because there it was, a little silver band across his ring finger. Married. Unfortunately there isn't a ring for guys who are dating someone and very few guys who are engaged wear ring, though I think they should. Perhaps we ought to force everyone to wear an Irish claddagh ring that way we can always know someone's relationship status without having to thoroughly stalk their facebook profile.
The eye contact and smile is KEY to flirting in the library. Too often I see people in the library who have these perma-scowls slapped on their faces. No one is going to want to talk to you if you look like you just realize that what you thought was Friday is actually Tuesday. Lighten up, be friendly! You have got to make yourself approachable and warm and being able to smile is a big step. One this window is opened, people will want to talk to you.
But does this really work? Let me tell you a little story.
This past week I was having a really awful day. Like, a really awful day. I went to the library to work on a paper between classes and when I sat down at the computer, the guy sitting diagonally from me locked eyes with me and flashed me this gorgeous smile. Seriously, my really awful day was instantly brighter. I started doing my homework, while occasionally glancing this fellow's way. We caught each other's gaze a few times and each time we smiled and sort of laughed. I was going to make conversation, but his friend ended up coming to sit by him and the two of them swapped girl troubles, part of the time in Spanish (which was kind of effective, since I'm not fluent, but I know enough Spanish to know what they were talking about. HA!)
It's not a perfect example of flirting in the library working, particularly because I left my phone number with him and I never heard from him (which is understandable, considering he was talking to his friend about a girl he's been dating on and off) but it's still an example of how opening yourself up makes it easier for people to have at least some sort of interaction. Smiling at me was enough to make my day better, so I'm not really bitter about him not utilizing my phone number.
Got any advice on how to flirt on the 3rd floor of the library? Leave them in the comments!
Also, please respond to the poll that is found in the right sidebar of my blog! We'll see where ya'll really like to meet new people.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Halloweenie
I've heard it said that, "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." (Mean Girls quote, in case you live on another planet and didn't pick up on that already.) You'd think that attending an LDS school would limit the slutiness around Halloween, but noooo, no no no, certainly not. This is the time of year that it's okay to dress like a common whore and get away with it.
I went to a ward Halloween party where our bishop was hosting it and girls came in wearing tights with underwear over them, a corset, and a cape to pass off as "slutty superman" or something like that. It was utterly appalling. Or maybe I'm just the girl who lacks the balls to wear such a thing to a ward function....haha, yeah right. Totes inapro-pro (Thank you to my younger brother for sharing that phrase with me. I love it and hate it. Totes)
I realize that most of you come onto the blog just to read and lurk, but I'm really curious. What was the most awful costume you saw last night, whether it be immodest, weird, poorly done, or scary?
I stopped by the party on campus at the Hart because there was NOTHING else going on in town. Seriously, Rexburg, what gives? I know there was a boatload of dance parties last weekend, but what about Halloween night? Last year it was on a school night as well, yet the town was hoppin! What's the deal? Anyway, back to the Hart. It was alright. We had fun dancing up on each other, freaking out the Molly Mormon girls dancing near us. If we aren't going to dress like sluts, we're at least going to dance like them.
The night wasn't a total waste. My roommates and I flirted with some random dudes who invited us into their apartment. We watched a scary movie with some other guys. It was fun! I love Halloween.
But now that it's November...is it too early to hang mistletoe?
p.s. Does anyone know how to fix the text on this post? Sometimes My posts randomly get highlighted in white and I don't know how to undo it.
I went to a ward Halloween party where our bishop was hosting it and girls came in wearing tights with underwear over them, a corset, and a cape to pass off as "slutty superman" or something like that. It was utterly appalling. Or maybe I'm just the girl who lacks the balls to wear such a thing to a ward function....haha, yeah right. Totes inapro-pro (Thank you to my younger brother for sharing that phrase with me. I love it and hate it. Totes)
I realize that most of you come onto the blog just to read and lurk, but I'm really curious. What was the most awful costume you saw last night, whether it be immodest, weird, poorly done, or scary?
I stopped by the party on campus at the Hart because there was NOTHING else going on in town. Seriously, Rexburg, what gives? I know there was a boatload of dance parties last weekend, but what about Halloween night? Last year it was on a school night as well, yet the town was hoppin! What's the deal? Anyway, back to the Hart. It was alright. We had fun dancing up on each other, freaking out the Molly Mormon girls dancing near us. If we aren't going to dress like sluts, we're at least going to dance like them.
The night wasn't a total waste. My roommates and I flirted with some random dudes who invited us into their apartment. We watched a scary movie with some other guys. It was fun! I love Halloween.
But now that it's November...is it too early to hang mistletoe?
p.s. Does anyone know how to fix the text on this post? Sometimes My posts randomly get highlighted in white and I don't know how to undo it.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Tuesday and the big 180
I woke up on Tuesday morning knowing exactly what was going to happen that day.
I'm not sure if I had some sort of wild dream the night before that sparked this, but here was the plan that was hatched in the cold, wee hours of Tuesday morning: While on campus, I was going to casually drop by Kirk's study area, request an audience with him (more like demand he come with him), get him in a deserted hallway and then kiss the heck out of him. I was going to kiss him SO good he would forget how to breathe, think, speak. It was going to be hot. I was going to hold him close, our cheeks touching, put my lips against his ear and tell him I wasn't going to wait anymore. This whole "let's not date right now" thing isn't jiving with me in the least bit. I'm so done waiting so let's not wait anymore.
I chickened out before I got there. I was on my way across campus, bundled up in the cutest warm clothes I could rummage up, and I froze, both literally and figuratively. I was freezing cold and suddenly paralyzed by the thought of going to push myself on this guy who's been telling me one thing, but failing to make his actions match his words. As much as I want to be with Kirk, I have to have a shred of dignity left in me, enough to try and wait for him to come and show me that that hug goodbye that we shared was a hint towards the future.
I turned around and went home. When I got home, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and deleted Kirk's number. I unfollowed him on instagram.
You guys. I haven't texted Kirk in a week. But he hasn't texted me in a week. I never told him that I was going to delete his number, that I was going to really put the ball in his court, I just did it. He's still doing nothing, sitting oblivious on his side of things.
It hurts. I miss him, even the little we did get to talk and see each other.
I suppose I have no choice now but to keep on living, beginning down the road of forgetting.
So long, Kirk. You could have been great.
I'm not sure if I had some sort of wild dream the night before that sparked this, but here was the plan that was hatched in the cold, wee hours of Tuesday morning: While on campus, I was going to casually drop by Kirk's study area, request an audience with him (more like demand he come with him), get him in a deserted hallway and then kiss the heck out of him. I was going to kiss him SO good he would forget how to breathe, think, speak. It was going to be hot. I was going to hold him close, our cheeks touching, put my lips against his ear and tell him I wasn't going to wait anymore. This whole "let's not date right now" thing isn't jiving with me in the least bit. I'm so done waiting so let's not wait anymore.
I chickened out before I got there. I was on my way across campus, bundled up in the cutest warm clothes I could rummage up, and I froze, both literally and figuratively. I was freezing cold and suddenly paralyzed by the thought of going to push myself on this guy who's been telling me one thing, but failing to make his actions match his words. As much as I want to be with Kirk, I have to have a shred of dignity left in me, enough to try and wait for him to come and show me that that hug goodbye that we shared was a hint towards the future.
I turned around and went home. When I got home, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and deleted Kirk's number. I unfollowed him on instagram.
You guys. I haven't texted Kirk in a week. But he hasn't texted me in a week. I never told him that I was going to delete his number, that I was going to really put the ball in his court, I just did it. He's still doing nothing, sitting oblivious on his side of things.
It hurts. I miss him, even the little we did get to talk and see each other.
I suppose I have no choice now but to keep on living, beginning down the road of forgetting.
So long, Kirk. You could have been great.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
What Happens In My Head
I get into these moments when I am so in my head I feel consumed by the things I'm thinking about. If it's exciting, I feel euphoric, like I'm living in dream that couldn't possibly be real because things feel so perfect. If it's sad, I feel grief rip through my body, I get a knot in my chest, right below my throat and I can't breathe because it's squeezing all the hope I have out. If it's anger, I want to throw things, drive fast, and scream at the top of my lungs. In these moments, good or bad, I feel as though I lose all control of what I do.
Lately I've been feeling like this a lot, mostly sadness and anger. There's more to it than just Kirk, he's not the root of my anxiety and frustration, but he certainly adds to it. Sometimes his inability to be a stable part of my life is all I need to just send me over the edge, into those moments of no control that I absolutely loathe.
I call myself a feminist. I take pride in being able to hold my own, not rely on a man to make me happy. I have supported myself through college and I have a plan for a successful career that I plan to pursue, regardless of whether or not I'm married by the time I graduate. But finding myself at the mercy of Kirk's actions makes me feel weak and helpless. It's kind of embarrassing that I, Leslie, am able to face all the horrors of life, yet this situation with Kirk is shaking me to the core. I want to lean on him, I want him to be a man and step it up. I'm feeling like a freaking damsel in distress, yet this hero is being a little bit wishy-washy. I DON'T know how to handle this.
I need to keep a lid on it. I need to find a way to cool my jets and allow what happens in my head to just pass without making me completely lose it.
This weekend Kirk came over for a little while and we watched a movie together. I really wanted to snuggle up to him, but I restrained myself and kept my hands to myself. However, when he left, we hugged goodbye in the doorway. There was a moment during the hug when I went to let go and Kirk squeezed me tighter. It was a long hug. It was a lingering hug. It was the kind of thing that made me think, "Maybe what I said during lunch the other day is sinking in. Maybe he's really thinking about ending this break." Then he didn't text me for two days and I have no idea what's going on again. I think I just want something to happen now yet Kirk is a slow mover.
There was something in that hug that revived that spark of hope I have. It's calmed the monster raging in my head and in my heart.
For now, I wait. But not forever.
Lately I've been feeling like this a lot, mostly sadness and anger. There's more to it than just Kirk, he's not the root of my anxiety and frustration, but he certainly adds to it. Sometimes his inability to be a stable part of my life is all I need to just send me over the edge, into those moments of no control that I absolutely loathe.
I call myself a feminist. I take pride in being able to hold my own, not rely on a man to make me happy. I have supported myself through college and I have a plan for a successful career that I plan to pursue, regardless of whether or not I'm married by the time I graduate. But finding myself at the mercy of Kirk's actions makes me feel weak and helpless. It's kind of embarrassing that I, Leslie, am able to face all the horrors of life, yet this situation with Kirk is shaking me to the core. I want to lean on him, I want him to be a man and step it up. I'm feeling like a freaking damsel in distress, yet this hero is being a little bit wishy-washy. I DON'T know how to handle this.
I need to keep a lid on it. I need to find a way to cool my jets and allow what happens in my head to just pass without making me completely lose it.
This weekend Kirk came over for a little while and we watched a movie together. I really wanted to snuggle up to him, but I restrained myself and kept my hands to myself. However, when he left, we hugged goodbye in the doorway. There was a moment during the hug when I went to let go and Kirk squeezed me tighter. It was a long hug. It was a lingering hug. It was the kind of thing that made me think, "Maybe what I said during lunch the other day is sinking in. Maybe he's really thinking about ending this break." Then he didn't text me for two days and I have no idea what's going on again. I think I just want something to happen now yet Kirk is a slow mover.
There was something in that hug that revived that spark of hope I have. It's calmed the monster raging in my head and in my heart.
For now, I wait. But not forever.
We're Human
For those of you who follow my Twitter you may already know that on Sunday I said it was Kirk's make it or break it day. I had previously made plans to spend the afternoon with him that day per his request, but he stood me up, without even a text or a phone call to explain his behavior. I've struggled with communication with Kirk before, but this kind of was the last straw.
I tried desperately to get him to talk to me, to tell me whether or not he was going to bail on our plans. I tried texting, I tried calling. To put it plainly, I was flat out obnoxious in trying to get a hold of him, all with no avail. Sunday came and went with not so much as a peep from Kirk. I was furious. I was ready to hunt him down and yell at him. I had a speech prepared in my head, I had a thing or two I wanted to say. That is not the way you treat someone you care about. That's not the way to treat anyone period! Regardless of whether or not Kirk and I are dating, I should at the very least merit a text saying, "Hey Leslie, I'm really sorry I can't make it tonight. We'll reschedule soon, okay?" It takes all of what, thirteen seconds, to send a text like that? Yeah, I'm sure Kirk has time enough in his hectic, busy schedule to send me a brief explanation. But he didn't.
Of course by the end of the night on Sunday I felt a bit remorseful for having bombarded him with texts and phone calls, so I sent him a huge text apologizing for being crazy. I felt a little bit in the wrong, which let's face it, I kind of was. I can't justify my actions completely by saying Kirk's inability to communicate makes me crazy. It makes me crazy, but I also lack the ability to control myself. I felt bad for letting the crazy take control. Sometimes I just can't help it! Crazy is ingrained in me, I can't always control the crazy. It's a curse.
I didn't hear from Kirk until Monday morning, when he sent me a lengthy apology, explaining he was super busy the previous day and he felt really bad for ditching me. While I appreciated the apology, he still didn't own up to not telling me what was going on that day. Being busy isn't a excuse for not canceling our plans.
On Wednesday we got together for lunch. By that time all the heat I felt on Sunday had completely depleted, so Kirk didn't get the big blow up I had envisioned in my mind. Instead it was really pleasant. I really enjoyed being around him, laughing about funny things our roommates do and sharing homework horror stories. I think I've mentioned this before, but Kirk has a way of making everything bad go away. As soon as I'm looking in his beautiful blue eyes, I lose all sense of angst and irritation that I used to feel and I'm okay with everything. It's awful because I can't ever articulate properly how sad I feel sometimes. It's great because I finally feel alright and things are well in the world. When I'm with Kirk, it's amazing.
I apologized to him for being crazy, but told him I need a little action from him. I need him to not ignore me. I need him to communicate. He doesn't think I'm crazy (which I think is a bold faced lie. How can anyone not think I've got a few screws loose when I freak out the way I do?) and he feels bad about the way he acts. He says he still wants to date me, it's something he still sees happening in the future. I told him I don't want to wait anymore. I want to date him now. If he doesn't want to date now, he needs to let me know. If he's waiting for school to slow down to date around and get that experience out of the way, I'm going to be waiting all semester. He needs to make a decision now.
I don't want to give up on Kirk. I don't want to lose all the hope and happiness he brings to my life. True, I feel distraught when things aren't going well and he falls short in the communication department, but when things are good, they are so good. He's human, he's flawed. I'm human, I'm flawed. Maybe we can work this out, his flakiness and my craziness. Maybe.
I hope so.
I tried desperately to get him to talk to me, to tell me whether or not he was going to bail on our plans. I tried texting, I tried calling. To put it plainly, I was flat out obnoxious in trying to get a hold of him, all with no avail. Sunday came and went with not so much as a peep from Kirk. I was furious. I was ready to hunt him down and yell at him. I had a speech prepared in my head, I had a thing or two I wanted to say. That is not the way you treat someone you care about. That's not the way to treat anyone period! Regardless of whether or not Kirk and I are dating, I should at the very least merit a text saying, "Hey Leslie, I'm really sorry I can't make it tonight. We'll reschedule soon, okay?" It takes all of what, thirteen seconds, to send a text like that? Yeah, I'm sure Kirk has time enough in his hectic, busy schedule to send me a brief explanation. But he didn't.
Of course by the end of the night on Sunday I felt a bit remorseful for having bombarded him with texts and phone calls, so I sent him a huge text apologizing for being crazy. I felt a little bit in the wrong, which let's face it, I kind of was. I can't justify my actions completely by saying Kirk's inability to communicate makes me crazy. It makes me crazy, but I also lack the ability to control myself. I felt bad for letting the crazy take control. Sometimes I just can't help it! Crazy is ingrained in me, I can't always control the crazy. It's a curse.
I didn't hear from Kirk until Monday morning, when he sent me a lengthy apology, explaining he was super busy the previous day and he felt really bad for ditching me. While I appreciated the apology, he still didn't own up to not telling me what was going on that day. Being busy isn't a excuse for not canceling our plans.
On Wednesday we got together for lunch. By that time all the heat I felt on Sunday had completely depleted, so Kirk didn't get the big blow up I had envisioned in my mind. Instead it was really pleasant. I really enjoyed being around him, laughing about funny things our roommates do and sharing homework horror stories. I think I've mentioned this before, but Kirk has a way of making everything bad go away. As soon as I'm looking in his beautiful blue eyes, I lose all sense of angst and irritation that I used to feel and I'm okay with everything. It's awful because I can't ever articulate properly how sad I feel sometimes. It's great because I finally feel alright and things are well in the world. When I'm with Kirk, it's amazing.
I apologized to him for being crazy, but told him I need a little action from him. I need him to not ignore me. I need him to communicate. He doesn't think I'm crazy (which I think is a bold faced lie. How can anyone not think I've got a few screws loose when I freak out the way I do?) and he feels bad about the way he acts. He says he still wants to date me, it's something he still sees happening in the future. I told him I don't want to wait anymore. I want to date him now. If he doesn't want to date now, he needs to let me know. If he's waiting for school to slow down to date around and get that experience out of the way, I'm going to be waiting all semester. He needs to make a decision now.
I don't want to give up on Kirk. I don't want to lose all the hope and happiness he brings to my life. True, I feel distraught when things aren't going well and he falls short in the communication department, but when things are good, they are so good. He's human, he's flawed. I'm human, I'm flawed. Maybe we can work this out, his flakiness and my craziness. Maybe.
I hope so.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Conference Weekend
I promise I'm not dead.
This weekend I went to Utah to spend Conference with my brother and his wife. It was a great weekend and it was especially great to escape Rexburg for a few days. Conference was so good. I came back on such a spiritual high. I'm sure if the announcement about the age change for sister missionaries had come a couple years ago, I wouldn't have hesitated to turn in my papers. Now that I'm beyond the former missionary age for sisters, it doesn't seem to be the thing for me. When I turned 21 I thought and prayed about a mission and the answer came back clear to me: "A mission would be beneficial, but so would going to school and getting an education. Make a choice." I made a choice, I chose school. I don't regret it.
The K situation, as Sammie has been lovingly calling things with Kirk, is still at a standstill. Some days I feel confident for our future, other days I feel anxious and impatient, unable to see any good in taking a break. Something I have noticed, however, is that I'm not developing any of those mini crushes I seem to form every semester. You know what I'm talking about, the little glimmer of hope you feel when you see a cute guy in your class and suddenly you're looking for him every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday as you take your seat. The guy in your FHE group that makes you smile a lot and you always seem to be sitting by. I usually have a few of these every semester, but this semester I'm not finding anyone attractive. It's not that I'm not looking, I can pick out the cute guys in my ward and my classes, but I'm not feeling that spark of, "Maybe one day, in my dreams!" Everything feels...platonic and flat.
Maybe what I'm feeling is love for Kirk. Maybe this break is essential for him to get over his commitment issues. Maybe this is a time when I learn to love so I can later fall in love with someone else. I don't know what the purpose of this time is, but I do know that it will all work out. It's hard to see the big picture, but the Lord knows how it will be in the end, so I just have to trust him and know it will work out.
This weekend I went to Utah to spend Conference with my brother and his wife. It was a great weekend and it was especially great to escape Rexburg for a few days. Conference was so good. I came back on such a spiritual high. I'm sure if the announcement about the age change for sister missionaries had come a couple years ago, I wouldn't have hesitated to turn in my papers. Now that I'm beyond the former missionary age for sisters, it doesn't seem to be the thing for me. When I turned 21 I thought and prayed about a mission and the answer came back clear to me: "A mission would be beneficial, but so would going to school and getting an education. Make a choice." I made a choice, I chose school. I don't regret it.
The K situation, as Sammie has been lovingly calling things with Kirk, is still at a standstill. Some days I feel confident for our future, other days I feel anxious and impatient, unable to see any good in taking a break. Something I have noticed, however, is that I'm not developing any of those mini crushes I seem to form every semester. You know what I'm talking about, the little glimmer of hope you feel when you see a cute guy in your class and suddenly you're looking for him every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday as you take your seat. The guy in your FHE group that makes you smile a lot and you always seem to be sitting by. I usually have a few of these every semester, but this semester I'm not finding anyone attractive. It's not that I'm not looking, I can pick out the cute guys in my ward and my classes, but I'm not feeling that spark of, "Maybe one day, in my dreams!" Everything feels...platonic and flat.
Maybe what I'm feeling is love for Kirk. Maybe this break is essential for him to get over his commitment issues. Maybe this is a time when I learn to love so I can later fall in love with someone else. I don't know what the purpose of this time is, but I do know that it will all work out. It's hard to see the big picture, but the Lord knows how it will be in the end, so I just have to trust him and know it will work out.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Roommates
Sometimes the things my roommates (the new ones this semester, not Bethany or Sammie) say drive me crazy.
Truthfully, I haven't spent much time with them so I can't really judge them, but some of these girls come off as really stupid and fake. It rubs me the wrong way and leaves me feeling like they're always trying to negate things I say, belittle me as a person, and always be the prettier, more knowledgeable, cooler girls. They have no reason to try and top whatever it is I have to offer! I'm not trying to steal their boys, I'm not trying to tell them they know nothing. Seriously girls, step off.
I hate living with girls. I need to get married just so I don't have to live with five other girls.
Six girls in one apartment? Worst. Idea. Ever. Way to go, BYU-Idaho. Way to go.
Truthfully, I haven't spent much time with them so I can't really judge them, but some of these girls come off as really stupid and fake. It rubs me the wrong way and leaves me feeling like they're always trying to negate things I say, belittle me as a person, and always be the prettier, more knowledgeable, cooler girls. They have no reason to try and top whatever it is I have to offer! I'm not trying to steal their boys, I'm not trying to tell them they know nothing. Seriously girls, step off.
I hate living with girls. I need to get married just so I don't have to live with five other girls.
Six girls in one apartment? Worst. Idea. Ever. Way to go, BYU-Idaho. Way to go.
Friday, September 28, 2012
My Lucky Shirt
I've noticed something: I've been wearing the same shirt the last three times I had a first kiss with someone. Does this mean my chances of getting kissed by a guy for the first time is higher if I wear that same shirt?
It's probably just a weird coincidence, but it's kind of interesting. It's not even a slutty shirt by any means. If anything, it's kind of man-ish. In a hot way, of course. It accents my curves in all the right ways without showing a ton of skin. I don't know what it is about that shirt that makes boys want to put their lips on mine. It's magic. I will wear that shirt EVERY DAY. Every day.
Anyway, Kirk and I talked. We saw each other in the Crossroads the other day so we took some time to talk about things (yet again.) Everything is still the same, we're not together. He's got some things to figure out before we can get back together. The likelihood of it happening, however, is quite high. I want to see him and spend time with him. It's a struggle to tell him that can't happen. I've settled on just talking to him for now. At least that little bit of Kirk will keep me going until this whole thing is behind us.
Despite how sketch the situation may sound, don't be fooled into thinking Kirk is a douche bag-tool-dick-jerk whom I need to let go of. I'm confident that he's not any of those things and I'm confident that he cares about me. And I'm not just being blinded by infatuation. It's hard seeing what I see and trying to convey that through this blog in an adequate way.
He is great.
It's probably just a weird coincidence, but it's kind of interesting. It's not even a slutty shirt by any means. If anything, it's kind of man-ish. In a hot way, of course. It accents my curves in all the right ways without showing a ton of skin. I don't know what it is about that shirt that makes boys want to put their lips on mine. It's magic. I will wear that shirt EVERY DAY. Every day.
Anyway, Kirk and I talked. We saw each other in the Crossroads the other day so we took some time to talk about things (yet again.) Everything is still the same, we're not together. He's got some things to figure out before we can get back together. The likelihood of it happening, however, is quite high. I want to see him and spend time with him. It's a struggle to tell him that can't happen. I've settled on just talking to him for now. At least that little bit of Kirk will keep me going until this whole thing is behind us.
Despite how sketch the situation may sound, don't be fooled into thinking Kirk is a douche bag-tool-dick-jerk whom I need to let go of. I'm confident that he's not any of those things and I'm confident that he cares about me. And I'm not just being blinded by infatuation. It's hard seeing what I see and trying to convey that through this blog in an adequate way.
He is great.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Pathetic
So...I've been a little emotional lately. I've got some pretty wild stuff going on in my personal life already, and then the situation with Kirk is making everything worse. I can't see to keep it together. The past four or five days I've felt like a bomb, to which the detonator is unknown. Anything could set me off.
While perusing Pinterest I came across this gem...
While perusing Pinterest I came across this gem...
This pretty much sums up a lot of how I feel right now. Except maybe I do have PMS. If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that you don't want to be around me when I have PMS. I'm not a pleasant person.
I texted Kirk today. I was having a really bad afternoon and I just wanted some comfort from him, not from anyone else. I told him how I knew I was being contradictory, but that I want to be with him. It was weak, it was stupid, it was pleady and annoying. I read back over the text and I make myself sick.
He hasn't responded. I'm not sure if he's just thinking about it or ignoring it. Either way, I'm going crazy wondering what's going on. I'll bet he's not even analyzing it at all. In fact, he probably forgot about the text. And here I am, being pathetic, hanging onto my phone at all times, hoping that he'll text me and come swooping back to cradle me in his arms and hush all my worries away....
Oh. my. gosh.
I am pathetic.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Wrapping up the Kirk story
I've already said it: I already knew what Kirk was going to decide. The day leading up to hearing his answer I was in high spirits all day. I found that to be rather surprising, considering I knew what lay ahead of me. Maybe it was a defense mechanism, maybe I was just trying to get on with my life already. Whatever it was, I was feeling good. I said what I needed to and that was liberating.
When I told Kirk that he couldn't date me and date other girls, I felt empowered. Not only was I sticking up for myself, but I was calling the shots. Beka commented that sometimes you have to give an ultimatum in order to avoid being walked over and I agree 100%. I don't think Kirk's intentions are to use and abuse me, I don't think he's doing this to be mean or to see what he can get away with. He's the antithesis of douche bag. I'm quiet certain he doesn't have a malicious, mean bone in his body. He's just a confused man who needs more confirmation than other guys to know what he's doing is the right thing. Despite how much I know about Kirk and the way he works and ticks, I know that I couldn't just stand aside and let him do what he needed while being completely okay with the situation. So I told him what I need.
Kirk came over the other night and told me he'd thought and prayed about what I told him and he feels like he needs to date other girls. I could tell that it was hurtful for him to realize that this was the end of the two of us, at least for now, and that he wanted me to back down and allow him to still see me. I know that I can't allow it, even if it's just as friends. I can't have that. Together exclusively or not at all. Being the one to stick to my guns on this decision, despite my heart screaming, "Give in! Allow yourself to see him! You know you want to!", was what made it easier for me to let him walk out that door. I am the one in control here.
Despite all this empowerment, my heart is aching. I want so badly to go to Kirk and beg him to change his mind. I want him to hold me, to caress my hair, to hold my hand. I want to send him texts or leave notes on his car. I don't want to feel the way I feel right now.
I really just want Kirk right now.
When I told Kirk that he couldn't date me and date other girls, I felt empowered. Not only was I sticking up for myself, but I was calling the shots. Beka commented that sometimes you have to give an ultimatum in order to avoid being walked over and I agree 100%. I don't think Kirk's intentions are to use and abuse me, I don't think he's doing this to be mean or to see what he can get away with. He's the antithesis of douche bag. I'm quiet certain he doesn't have a malicious, mean bone in his body. He's just a confused man who needs more confirmation than other guys to know what he's doing is the right thing. Despite how much I know about Kirk and the way he works and ticks, I know that I couldn't just stand aside and let him do what he needed while being completely okay with the situation. So I told him what I need.
Kirk came over the other night and told me he'd thought and prayed about what I told him and he feels like he needs to date other girls. I could tell that it was hurtful for him to realize that this was the end of the two of us, at least for now, and that he wanted me to back down and allow him to still see me. I know that I can't allow it, even if it's just as friends. I can't have that. Together exclusively or not at all. Being the one to stick to my guns on this decision, despite my heart screaming, "Give in! Allow yourself to see him! You know you want to!", was what made it easier for me to let him walk out that door. I am the one in control here.
Despite all this empowerment, my heart is aching. I want so badly to go to Kirk and beg him to change his mind. I want him to hold me, to caress my hair, to hold my hand. I want to send him texts or leave notes on his car. I don't want to feel the way I feel right now.
I really just want Kirk right now.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Then I came to my senses
After Kirk left my apartment after telling me he thought we should stop being exclusive, I felt really pretty good about where things were. I gave my sister a call to tell her what had happened, since she seems to be my go-to person these days, and she ranted and railed and made all sorts of nasty remarks about Kirk. She made a lot of points that got me thinking, "Huh. Maybe I made a mistake in telling him I'm okay with us being nonexclusive and dating other people. Maybe I shouldn't allow him to continue to see me while he dates other girls."
That night I went to bed really unsettled. My mind was zooming around a million miles a minute and I laid in bed for hours, hoping my brain would just shut off and let me sleep. Whatever sleep I that night wasn't good. I spent most of the time tossing and turning, dreaming about awful fights with Kirk over whether or not his feelings for me were genuine. As soon as I woke up I sent him a text telling him I needed to talk to him. No response.
I sent another text, 3 hours later, saying I had a break between classes and I wanted to talk. No response for almost two hours. In his text he apologized for being so slow to text back and then asked what I was doing. I told him where I was and asked if he could talk. No response.
Half an hour later I texted again, telling him I had class soon, but I really wanted to talk to him before class so I could get something off my chest. No response.
Two hours later I sent yet another text telling him I really needed to talk to him, that I was getting frustrated, but I needed to talk to him that day because I couldn't take another sleepless night. I told him my plans for the rest of the night and asked if he could make some time for me. No response.
By this point I'm being driven mad by the fact that this is a guy who claims he still cares for me, but the day after breaking things off is utterly ignoring my pleas to talk. Five hours after the last text, we had this conversation:
Leslie: I get that you're busy, but I really would appreciate if you'd at least tell me you can't talk tonight. Being ignored the day after you tell me you still care and are committed stings.
Kirk: I'm so sorry. I misplaced my phone today. When are you available? Is everything okay? This sounds like a very serious talk.
Leslie: I have some time in an hour. And yes, it will be serious.
Kirk: Did I do something wrong?
Leslie: We'l talk later.
I. Was. Pissed. Seriously? It was about 14 hours after I initially texted him that he got around to a real response, acknowledging the fact that now it was my turn to want to talk about something. I felt like an emotional time bomb all day, not just because of the Kirk thing (everything bad seems to be happening RIGHT NOW to me. testing time? I think so), and at this point, I was almost ready to just bursting into crying while yelling and throwing fists.
By the time we got together, I was so anxious to just get it over with that I was nervous and my voice was unsteady from the very beginning. I didn't actually cry, but I teared up. Okay, maybe a few tears fell from my eyes. As soon as that started, Kirk felt horrible and was saying, "Oh Leslie, are you crying? Please don't cry!" -If you ever want to evoke sympathy from a guy, start crying. It tugs at their heartstrings. He put his arm around me, which was awkward because I had my arms folded and was concentrating really hard on keeping my emotions in check but still telling him how I felt.
I told Kirk that I don't want to date him if he's going to be dating other people. I told him how unsettled about it I felt, how it didn't seem fair for us to be exclusive for months and then just not be exclusive, date other people, but still continue to see each other. I told him how I'm coming up on a really hard couple of months and I can't deal with his wishy washiness. I need someone who's committed to a relationship and will be there, not some guy that I really like, who claims to like me but maybe not enough to date just me, so he's going to date other girls to make sure. That doesn't jive with me. If he wants this time to see if he should be with other girls, he doesn't get the benefit of seeing me at the same time.
It was hard for me to make this be the decision I was going to stick to. I still really like Kirk and I know he likes me. It was hard to deny myself the desire to still have those little bits of time with him, but I knew it would be better for both of us. For me, it will reduce the stress of, "Is he on a date with a girl tonight? Does he still like me? Why aren't we datttiiiinnnggg!?" and all the over analyzing that would inevitably go hand in hand with the situation. For him it will give him the opportunity to decipher between his feelings for me and how he feels about dating other girls without my presence there to mix everything up. Also, it'll give him the opportunity to miss me. I hope he misses me. I hope things don't work out with his escapade to date other girls and experience that. It may be weak of me to admit that, even after this, I still want to be with him, but I can't deny what I feel. Kirk is wonderful and I'm still in serious like with him.
I just realized what a tangent I got off on. OKAY. His reply. Right.
He wasn't expecting this. He told me he felt bad that I felt this way, but he appreciated my honesty. He assured me again and again that he still feels for me and he cares about how I feel and whether or not I'm happy. He told me he'd have to have some time to think about what I'd said so he could process it, which I get having just come from that position. We sat down and he rubbed my back and kissed my head. I was feeling really awful, but he was being so tender, it made me kind of mad. I mean, I loved it and I love that he took off his sweater and wrapped it around my shoulders, but at the same time it made it so hard to be telling him I didn't want to be with him. He told me he'd take the rest of that night and the next morning to think it over and then we'd talk.
I hadn't really intended to give him an ultimatum, pick me or dating other girls, but that's how it ended up. He was too nice about it, too understanding, not combative at all. I felt like the bad guy. Essentially I was wrecking things for both myself and for him. He asked more than once, "So you don't want to see me at all? We can't spend any time together?" I tried my best to express that I want to see him and be with him, but not if he's going to be dating other girls. I don't care if it's selfish, that's what I want.
I left that conversation feeling relieved. I slept soundly, if not heavily. I knew already what his answer would be the next night, but I felt okay about everything.
Tomorrow night I'll post the final installment of this week's happenings.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
He feels, She feels
The dreaded words in a relationship: We need to talk. Any other variations of this also invoke the same kind of fear. In my case the words were, "I need to talk to you about something."
I'm the kind of girl where if ambiguity is dripping from your words, I will over analyse until the end of the earth. The text that contained that sentence sent my mind into a frenzy, I kid you not. Suddenly nothing in class was interesting, all I could do was wonder what Kirk wanted to talk to me about. My imagination ranged from one extreme ("I realized I don't like you and we need to break up ASAP, you hag!") to the other ("Leslie, I can't take it any longer! I'm in love with you and we need to get married NOW! TO THE TEMPLE!" And then we ride off on a white horse, because, ya know, white horses are in abundance on BYUI campus.) When we finally did get together so Kirk could "talk to me about something" he does what he does best: beat around the bush. This is my harsh way of saying Kirk is really good at distracting and avoiding serious conversation. Sometimes I really appreciate this quality, sometimes I don't. This week, not a fan. Just tell me what SOMETHING MEANS, DANGIT! Geeze.
Here's his dealio: He feels like he needs to date other girls for a bit so he can "see what it feels like" to make sure this (this being us) is something he should progress with. He'd only felt that way for about 24 hours, but he felt like he needed to tell me asap and that we needed to cease being exclusive (ex.clu.sive adjective: Boyfriend/Girlfriend, only date one another, hold hands, kiss, get jiggy with it in a Mormony way). Here's the kicker: He wants to still date me while he dates other girls. His feelings for me haven't changed, he still thinks I'm wonderful and beautiful and funny and all those other awesome things Kirk knows how to say in the most flattering way. He says he doesn't know why he's getting this impression (his word for it, not mine) but he feels like he needs to follow it. When I heard that I thought, "Well, he still wants to spend time with me and see me. That works, because that way I still get Kirk even though we're not exclusive! Perfectamente!" My thoughts have since changed, but more on that in another post. Essentially I told him this:
"I don't like this, it's not my ideal situation. But I'm not the only one in this relationship, so I can't dictate things the way I want all the time. If you feel like you need to date other girls to get confirmation that this relationship, you and me, is right or wrong, then you do that. I can see what you mean, I understand where you're coming from. I really don't like this, I want you to date just me, but I'll give you the time you need."
And then he and I talked and talked about all sorts of stuff, like how we met and how we really like each other. It felt normal and comfortable and I kind of hated that he made it so ease to feel at ease after he told me he didn't want to be exclusive. Overall, though, I felt really okay with it.
Until the next day...but that's going to be another post. Stay tuned!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Welcome back, BYU-Idaho!
It's finally here, Fall semester 2012. Campus is once again overrun with lost freshman, newly returned RMs, and disgruntled juniors and seniors who have thousands of dollars of tuition, housing, and book fees...and they're still not graduated. Okay, so I might be a little bit bitter about the outrageous cost of my books this semester, but at least I attend a university where I won't be paying off loans for the rest of my life. Instead I get to live pay check to pay check as a penniless student for the next two years. Since I live in Rexburg, however, the only places to spend my money would be Walmart or K-Mart (Yeah-I know about LuLu Bella and Downeast, but I'll never have the luxury of shopping there while in college) so I think my few nickles and dimes NOT going towards mountains of books and a decent apartment will be safe for the time being.
Was anyone else blown away by the display of American flags in the Smith quad today? I loved it. I thought it was a beautiful tribute to those who passed away on September 11th. I felt an overwhelming sense of pride when I walked through the billowing standards. I am an American. I am free. I am strong. What a burst of pride, faith, and passion to put me through this semester...loved it.
All is quiet here, just settled into my new apartment over the weekend and since yesterday have been hit with homework like a tsunami in the East. Kirk helped me move a bunch of my things into my apartment over the weekend then he bailed out of town (he just got in, where does he have to go so soon?) until Monday. My roommates are beginning to think I've made him up, even though I've seen him both yesterday and today. One of my new roomies asked, "Does he have marriage potential? Have you dropped the L word yet?" Yes, marriage potential, no we haven't said 'I love you.' We're taking things slow.
Being two months into the relationship and not having said 'I love you' feels weird, yet at the same time it feels comfortable. I don't know if I could really say that I love Kirk and know that I really, truly feel it. I really admire him and I'm attracted to him like all get out, but I feel like love is such a huge emotion that I'm not quiet there yet with Kirk. I'm on the way there, especially with working through all our little bumps and hardships, but I'm getting there. I hope he is, too.
Happy new semester, everyone!
Was anyone else blown away by the display of American flags in the Smith quad today? I loved it. I thought it was a beautiful tribute to those who passed away on September 11th. I felt an overwhelming sense of pride when I walked through the billowing standards. I am an American. I am free. I am strong. What a burst of pride, faith, and passion to put me through this semester...loved it.
All is quiet here, just settled into my new apartment over the weekend and since yesterday have been hit with homework like a tsunami in the East. Kirk helped me move a bunch of my things into my apartment over the weekend then he bailed out of town (he just got in, where does he have to go so soon?) until Monday. My roommates are beginning to think I've made him up, even though I've seen him both yesterday and today. One of my new roomies asked, "Does he have marriage potential? Have you dropped the L word yet?" Yes, marriage potential, no we haven't said 'I love you.' We're taking things slow.
Being two months into the relationship and not having said 'I love you' feels weird, yet at the same time it feels comfortable. I don't know if I could really say that I love Kirk and know that I really, truly feel it. I really admire him and I'm attracted to him like all get out, but I feel like love is such a huge emotion that I'm not quiet there yet with Kirk. I'm on the way there, especially with working through all our little bumps and hardships, but I'm getting there. I hope he is, too.
Happy new semester, everyone!
BYU-Idaho 9/11 Tribute
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
A Kiss is A Kiss is A Kiss
What makes someone a good kisser?
I've heard several friends ask this question. The skill level of a kisser is hard to gauge because so much of kissing is personal preference. I'm not one of them, but some people like super sloppy, wet kisses, while some prefer really slow, controlled, simple ones. There can be too much tongue, there can be absolutely no tongue. The wide variety of different types of kissing makes this a very hard question to answer. But since this is my blog, we're going by my opinion.
One of the basic rules of Good Kissing in Leslie's book is the ability to read your partner's actions to determine their style of kissing. When you're kissing someone new, there's a bit of an awkward period where you don't know exactly what they like in a kiss, so you throw in a combination of things you've learned in the past and things you know you enjoy. If you don't take note of the things your partner does in the beginning stages, you could find yourself with an awkward make out. It's a give and take process. You give signals, you take their signals.
Another rule that I recently added to my book: the lizard tongue (darting in and out in quick succession) is NOT fun. Thanks to a party that will remain anonymous, I discovered this the hard way. French kissing takes technique but definitely not this one. I don't know anyone who thinks opening and closing your mouth like a fish gasping for air while darting your tongue in and out is fun or sexy. Absolutely nothing about that is appealing. It might actually be anti-sexy. Seriously? Gross.
I'm a sucker for a really good, nice, long closed mouth kiss. It's those kinds of kisses that tell me how much the guy cares for me and that he isn't just lusting after me and wants to get something. These kisses don't involve so much passion, but they're filled with a softer, deeper, sweeter emotion of love. Although a really awesome french kiss may leave me breathless, it's these sweet, loving kisses that truly leave me weak in the knees.
Those are a few of my personal rules and feelings about kissing and what makes a good or bad kisser.
Going back to the no lizard tongue kissing...it's easy to recognize a bad kisser when the next person you kiss is a great kisser. My first kiss with Kirk was perfect. Everything about it, from the way he hesitated before going in to the way he cradled the back of my neck with his hand was perfect. The stark difference between his kisses and Aaron's kisses made kissing Kirk all that much more pleasant. Going from kissing someone who's style of kissing was, um, unique, to Kirk was amazing. On top of a great first kiss, that guy (Kirk) knows how to kiss a lady. He knows how to send shivers down my spine. He knows how to make me go to sleep at night all dreamy and silly over a kiss.
He does a few things I can't get enough of. After a few minutes of kissing, when things start to heat up a bit, he entwines his fingers in my hair and pulls on it. It sounds so weird to type it out, but in the moment, it's super hot. He moans softly into a kiss and pulls me in closer. We'll stop kissing and he'll take a step back, take a deep breath, smile and say, "Wow!" Yeah, Kirk, I feel that way, too.
Kirk and I haven't been kissing that much lately, simply because we're spending more time getting to know each other by talking and doing activities. But when we do exchange a kiss, it's a reaffirmation to me that this guy and I have mad physical chemistry. He notices the things that I like and makes sure I know what he likes. He kisses with care and passion, but with ease and skill.
I've kissed some skilled guys in my life, but Kirk takes the cake. If you want to know what a good kisser is like, you'll have to kiss Kirk. Oops! Sorry, Ladies. That man is spoken for. ;)
What do you think makes a good kisser?
I've heard several friends ask this question. The skill level of a kisser is hard to gauge because so much of kissing is personal preference. I'm not one of them, but some people like super sloppy, wet kisses, while some prefer really slow, controlled, simple ones. There can be too much tongue, there can be absolutely no tongue. The wide variety of different types of kissing makes this a very hard question to answer. But since this is my blog, we're going by my opinion.
One of the basic rules of Good Kissing in Leslie's book is the ability to read your partner's actions to determine their style of kissing. When you're kissing someone new, there's a bit of an awkward period where you don't know exactly what they like in a kiss, so you throw in a combination of things you've learned in the past and things you know you enjoy. If you don't take note of the things your partner does in the beginning stages, you could find yourself with an awkward make out. It's a give and take process. You give signals, you take their signals.
Another rule that I recently added to my book: the lizard tongue (darting in and out in quick succession) is NOT fun. Thanks to a party that will remain anonymous, I discovered this the hard way. French kissing takes technique but definitely not this one. I don't know anyone who thinks opening and closing your mouth like a fish gasping for air while darting your tongue in and out is fun or sexy. Absolutely nothing about that is appealing. It might actually be anti-sexy. Seriously? Gross.
I'm a sucker for a really good, nice, long closed mouth kiss. It's those kinds of kisses that tell me how much the guy cares for me and that he isn't just lusting after me and wants to get something. These kisses don't involve so much passion, but they're filled with a softer, deeper, sweeter emotion of love. Although a really awesome french kiss may leave me breathless, it's these sweet, loving kisses that truly leave me weak in the knees.
Those are a few of my personal rules and feelings about kissing and what makes a good or bad kisser.
Going back to the no lizard tongue kissing...it's easy to recognize a bad kisser when the next person you kiss is a great kisser. My first kiss with Kirk was perfect. Everything about it, from the way he hesitated before going in to the way he cradled the back of my neck with his hand was perfect. The stark difference between his kisses and Aaron's kisses made kissing Kirk all that much more pleasant. Going from kissing someone who's style of kissing was, um, unique, to Kirk was amazing. On top of a great first kiss, that guy (Kirk) knows how to kiss a lady. He knows how to send shivers down my spine. He knows how to make me go to sleep at night all dreamy and silly over a kiss.
He does a few things I can't get enough of. After a few minutes of kissing, when things start to heat up a bit, he entwines his fingers in my hair and pulls on it. It sounds so weird to type it out, but in the moment, it's super hot. He moans softly into a kiss and pulls me in closer. We'll stop kissing and he'll take a step back, take a deep breath, smile and say, "Wow!" Yeah, Kirk, I feel that way, too.
Kirk and I haven't been kissing that much lately, simply because we're spending more time getting to know each other by talking and doing activities. But when we do exchange a kiss, it's a reaffirmation to me that this guy and I have mad physical chemistry. He notices the things that I like and makes sure I know what he likes. He kisses with care and passion, but with ease and skill.
I've kissed some skilled guys in my life, but Kirk takes the cake. If you want to know what a good kisser is like, you'll have to kiss Kirk. Oops! Sorry, Ladies. That man is spoken for. ;)
What do you think makes a good kisser?
"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."
Monday, August 27, 2012
The List
I made a list the other day of things I love about Kirk. It started just because I was trying to see how well I know him and what kinds of things attract me to him but then it ended up being pages in my journal of silly things, like the way his hand fits in mine. Okay, it wasn't just silly things, there were serious things, but it ended up being a lot more than I initially thought.
Kirk and I've been talking a bit over the last couple days about our relationship. He apologized for being kind of MIA this past week and I apologized for letting crazy get the better of me a couple of times. While we were talking we both brought up that we think we're a little too into the physical aspect of the relationship and we need to take some time to allow the emotional side to develop more.
While I feel like there's been a bit of a disconnect between myself and Kirk this week, I also think that we've had a breakthrough. We were both feeling the same thing, but we didn't bring it up until it was something that had been seriously weighing on both of our minds. And he's right, we have been very physical, spending a lot of time kissing and cuddling, but now we've transitioned into spending more time talking and learning more about one another.
The list I made about Kirk solidifies any doubt I may have had about the depth of our relationship. I know plenty about him and I really admire the type of man he is. I won't take back what I said before about him being the kind of man I want to marry. Kirk is fantastic.
I am so caught up in everything that is him. He might very well be the best thing to happen to me.
Kirk and I've been talking a bit over the last couple days about our relationship. He apologized for being kind of MIA this past week and I apologized for letting crazy get the better of me a couple of times. While we were talking we both brought up that we think we're a little too into the physical aspect of the relationship and we need to take some time to allow the emotional side to develop more.
While I feel like there's been a bit of a disconnect between myself and Kirk this week, I also think that we've had a breakthrough. We were both feeling the same thing, but we didn't bring it up until it was something that had been seriously weighing on both of our minds. And he's right, we have been very physical, spending a lot of time kissing and cuddling, but now we've transitioned into spending more time talking and learning more about one another.
The list I made about Kirk solidifies any doubt I may have had about the depth of our relationship. I know plenty about him and I really admire the type of man he is. I won't take back what I said before about him being the kind of man I want to marry. Kirk is fantastic.
I am so caught up in everything that is him. He might very well be the best thing to happen to me.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
All girls have a little crazy in them
"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree"
W. C. Fields
It's a fact of life: all females have a little crazy in them. We've been built to have constant fluctuation of hormones, meaning the crazy could come bursting out at any moment. We cry, we are passionate, we get angry of petty things, and we definitely over think nearly everything that crosses our path.
I've found myself in a quandary. Everything with Kirk thus far has been roses and daisies, so much to the fact that when I'm with him I have to take the time to repeat in my head, "Leslie, this is real. Kirk is real and he's really here with you, wanting to hold you and be with you. IT'S REAL!!!!" It's crazy, I tell you, just how amazing this whole summer has been. I was telling a friend about how Kirk and I met and came to be and she said, "Oh my gosh, Leslie. This sounds like something straight out of a movie. I want to live your life!" I'm not sure she wants to live my life, since this is only one summer, but it is pretty great.
Except that Kirk isn't a texter. He's very much an in-person kind of person. He'll text me a bit and we'll exchange light conversation, but he's not the kind of guy who'll text me nonstop all the time just trying to talk to me more. I've gotten kind of used to that treatment from other guys, but it's a little refreshing to have time that is just mine, not always hanging onto my phone waiting for a response.
However, here is my quandary: these past few days I haven't heard much from Kirk at all. He hasn't sent me texts asking how my day is going, nor asking if I'd like to see him that evening. He hasn't responded to half the questions I've asked him. He's all but disappeared since Sunday. I'm trying really, really, really hard to not go into panic mode and overload him with crazy needy texts, but it's hard! This is when my crazy comes out!
I'm too used to guys who are in the picture for x amount of time and then they bail, leaving me hanging for some sort of explanation as to why I don't deserve a proper let down. I know Kirk is different. I know he has a lot going on at work and with his family this week. I know he's probably tired from traveling over the weekend. These are perfectly legit excuses as to why I've hardly seen or heard from him, I know that! But is it really too hard to say you're busy or going to bed early? A text like that takes about fifteen seconds to write and send. No big deal.
Ugh. I don't want to freak out. I will not freak out. I won't let myself believe he's like those other flakey guys I've dated. I won't believe that he has an ounce of douche baggery in him until I have hard evidence, not just a few days of neglect.
I'm still a little bit crazy. Thanks for reading my venting rant.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Too soon?
Here's a question for you: How soon is too soon to drop the "L" word in a relationship? Or mention marriage?
In my previous relationships I don't remember how long it took for myself or my significant other to tell the other that they loved them. I wish I remembered, but somehow it evades me. Regardless of when we said it or who said it first, I know that I didn't really feel real love for those guys, I just said it because that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship and I thought I was in love. Maybe I was, at least to some degree... Anyway, now that I'm dating Kirk (we're official-yay!!!) I haven't known how intensely he's feeling about me other than that he's wanted to be with me all the time. Thats a good sign, right?
I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that I already know he's the kind of man I want to marry and that I probably wouldnt hesitate to say "Yes!!!" if he asked me tomorrow to marry him. It's a terrifying feeling to know so soon in a relationship the potential that he possesses. Yet at the same time, it feels different and it feels right, moreso than it's ever felt with any guy before. I feel a deep connection and admiration for the man he is. There's so many things about him that are mature and grown up, very well put together. The one thing that melts me more than anything else is that he is so incredibly kind and aware of those around him. His level of concern for the happiness of those around him is quite high and I like that.
I love that Kirk is a hard worker, that he has a kind heart, and that he is laid back and fun. Also, he's really handsome. Every time I look at him I think, "Awww yeah, that's my super hot boyfriend." I want to spend all my time with him and I can't wait until we're up at school together where there's not a couple of cities between us, making the time we see each other less. There are all these awesome things about Kirk and I know he's got a lot of potential. When is it appropriate to bring up love? Or marriage?
My biggest fear with him right now is that I'll finally mention to him that I'd be okay marrying someone like him--I wouldn't go so far as to tell him I want to marry him. That's definitely too much too soon,but I don't think it'll be too much to say I would marry someone like him...--and that it will freak him out and he'll hightail it out of this relationship without looking back. In a way I know it's kind of irrational for me to think that he's going to leave as suddenly as most of the guys I've dated or been interested in, but that's what I'm used to. I want so badly to hint to him that I think he's wonderful and I'm hopeful he thinks the same of me, but I don't want to scare him off by bringing it up too soon in our relationship.
Less than a month in is probably too soon. But then again, some couples 'round the Rexburg parts get engaged this soon in their relationship... As for saying "I love you", I've decided to let him take the lead on that one. I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting for him to say he loves me.
Kirk really is the best.
In my previous relationships I don't remember how long it took for myself or my significant other to tell the other that they loved them. I wish I remembered, but somehow it evades me. Regardless of when we said it or who said it first, I know that I didn't really feel real love for those guys, I just said it because that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship and I thought I was in love. Maybe I was, at least to some degree... Anyway, now that I'm dating Kirk (we're official-yay!!!) I haven't known how intensely he's feeling about me other than that he's wanted to be with me all the time. Thats a good sign, right?
I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit that I already know he's the kind of man I want to marry and that I probably wouldnt hesitate to say "Yes!!!" if he asked me tomorrow to marry him. It's a terrifying feeling to know so soon in a relationship the potential that he possesses. Yet at the same time, it feels different and it feels right, moreso than it's ever felt with any guy before. I feel a deep connection and admiration for the man he is. There's so many things about him that are mature and grown up, very well put together. The one thing that melts me more than anything else is that he is so incredibly kind and aware of those around him. His level of concern for the happiness of those around him is quite high and I like that.
I love that Kirk is a hard worker, that he has a kind heart, and that he is laid back and fun. Also, he's really handsome. Every time I look at him I think, "Awww yeah, that's my super hot boyfriend." I want to spend all my time with him and I can't wait until we're up at school together where there's not a couple of cities between us, making the time we see each other less. There are all these awesome things about Kirk and I know he's got a lot of potential. When is it appropriate to bring up love? Or marriage?
My biggest fear with him right now is that I'll finally mention to him that I'd be okay marrying someone like him--I wouldn't go so far as to tell him I want to marry him. That's definitely too much too soon,but I don't think it'll be too much to say I would marry someone like him...--and that it will freak him out and he'll hightail it out of this relationship without looking back. In a way I know it's kind of irrational for me to think that he's going to leave as suddenly as most of the guys I've dated or been interested in, but that's what I'm used to. I want so badly to hint to him that I think he's wonderful and I'm hopeful he thinks the same of me, but I don't want to scare him off by bringing it up too soon in our relationship.
Less than a month in is probably too soon. But then again, some couples 'round the Rexburg parts get engaged this soon in their relationship... As for saying "I love you", I've decided to let him take the lead on that one. I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting for him to say he loves me.
Kirk really is the best.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Friends, Rexburgians, Countrymen...
I had this blogpost all written and ready to go, but one wrong tap of a button on my smartphone and the whole thing was gone. Not a single word of the paragraphs and paragraphs I had written was saved. It was one of those dramatic moments when I looked at my phone and wanted to yell, "NOooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!" then chuck it against the wall.
Do you know how long it takes to write a long blogpost, let alone one on a smartphone? Forever. That's how long.
Fear not, dear readers. I got my laptop fixed and we are back in business.
A few big things have happened.
One: I recently downsized my letter box and in the process I ended up tossing every letter Tyson ever wrote me. While I was gathering them all up, there was a slight pang of temptation to crack open those suckers and read them, but after glancing over just one of the letters, I decided I didn't really want to. In the trash with all of them. The funny thing is, after I dumped them in the garbage, I didn't even feel bad. There wasn't a hint of regret or desire to dig them out. There wasn't sadness or anything. I felt like I was just getting rid of old receipts or some other scratch paper that doesn't matter. I've come a long way. Tyson doesn't bother me anymore. Just a person of the past. Now he's just somebody that I used to know.
You're welcome for putting that song in your head. HA!
Two: Kirk. This is really why you're reading my blog. You want to know what happened with the guy who made me see fireworks. Well let me tell you, things are going well. For the first time in my college years I feel like I'm being treated with respect. I feel like he goes out of his way to be a gentleman and he doesn't mind it. His mother and father taught him well. I can't help but get all giddy when I see his name pop up on my phone, even a couple weeks into it.
It sounds so cheesy to be gushing so much about chivalrous behavior, but it's something I've been looking for. I think that when I was with guys like Tyson and even when I liked Isaac I had allowed my mother's constant, "Leslie, let him come to you. Let him show you that he wants you." go in one ear and out the other because I was so convinced that men are all pansies and if I were to listen to her I'd be doomed to live life forever alone. I had to be the go-getter because the guys were not go-getting me and I wanted someone RIGHT THEN. It took effort, but being a go-getter is exactly what I didn't do with Kirk. As hard as it was, I allowed him to step up to the plate and make the big moves (except for when I held his hand, but I think that's okay...)
Girls. It's paid off big. The difference in the guys who would make me come around and vie for their attention all the time were stupid boys. Kirk is a man, a man who knows how to be a gentleman. We should all want gentlemen, not boys. They're the ones who you see holding their love's hand at the park when their old. They're the ones who open the car door for their daughters and give up their seat on the bus for the elderly woman. These are the ones we should be holding out for.
Do you know how long it takes to write a long blogpost, let alone one on a smartphone? Forever. That's how long.
Fear not, dear readers. I got my laptop fixed and we are back in business.
A few big things have happened.
One: I recently downsized my letter box and in the process I ended up tossing every letter Tyson ever wrote me. While I was gathering them all up, there was a slight pang of temptation to crack open those suckers and read them, but after glancing over just one of the letters, I decided I didn't really want to. In the trash with all of them. The funny thing is, after I dumped them in the garbage, I didn't even feel bad. There wasn't a hint of regret or desire to dig them out. There wasn't sadness or anything. I felt like I was just getting rid of old receipts or some other scratch paper that doesn't matter. I've come a long way. Tyson doesn't bother me anymore. Just a person of the past. Now he's just somebody that I used to know.
You're welcome for putting that song in your head. HA!
Two: Kirk. This is really why you're reading my blog. You want to know what happened with the guy who made me see fireworks. Well let me tell you, things are going well. For the first time in my college years I feel like I'm being treated with respect. I feel like he goes out of his way to be a gentleman and he doesn't mind it. His mother and father taught him well. I can't help but get all giddy when I see his name pop up on my phone, even a couple weeks into it.
It sounds so cheesy to be gushing so much about chivalrous behavior, but it's something I've been looking for. I think that when I was with guys like Tyson and even when I liked Isaac I had allowed my mother's constant, "Leslie, let him come to you. Let him show you that he wants you." go in one ear and out the other because I was so convinced that men are all pansies and if I were to listen to her I'd be doomed to live life forever alone. I had to be the go-getter because the guys were not go-getting me and I wanted someone RIGHT THEN. It took effort, but being a go-getter is exactly what I didn't do with Kirk. As hard as it was, I allowed him to step up to the plate and make the big moves (except for when I held his hand, but I think that's okay...)
Girls. It's paid off big. The difference in the guys who would make me come around and vie for their attention all the time were stupid boys. Kirk is a man, a man who knows how to be a gentleman. We should all want gentlemen, not boys. They're the ones who you see holding their love's hand at the park when their old. They're the ones who open the car door for their daughters and give up their seat on the bus for the elderly woman. These are the ones we should be holding out for.
Monday, July 30, 2012
California Romance
I've been home for a little over a week and thus far Kirk and I have been able to get together a couple times to do things. It's been pretty lowkey, going to the movies and grabbing a bite to eat. It's been so much like a dream, I'm still trying to accept what's going on as reality.
On our second date, our first after the semester ended, we went and got dinner in LA followed by ice cream. He's really easy to talk to and the more time I spend with him, the most I come to appreciate his humor and really gentle demeanor. Everything about him is adorable. I went home with this goofy grin on my face and it stuck around all day.
The third time we saw each other we went out to a movie. He picked me up and away we went. During the movie I kept waiting for him to hold my hand. We were both doing the sort of awkward my-hand-is-totally-available thing on our legs, but I've decided that this thing with the Cap'n? Yeah, he's taking the lead. I did not want to be the one to hold his hand first. I kind of fail at that, though, so I grabbed his hand during a tense moment in the movie (Batman, by the way. So good.) He gripped my hands with both of his and held it to his chest the rest of the movie. He rubbed his thumb over mine and it was so perfect. After the movie was over we spent the whole drive back to my place talking about the movie and what we liked about it. When we got back to my house, we sat on the couch for a bit and watched an episode of Parks and Rec (hilarious show. I love Amy Poehler.) When it was finally super late and time for Kirk to head home, he sat forward on the couch and looked back at me.
There are a split second when he was looking at me when my mind went crazy saying, "Is he going to do it? Is Kirk going to kiss me?" Then he glanced at my lips and started leaning in. I can't even explain the explosion in my head. It was something like, "AAHHH, He's going to kiss meeeee!!!!" And what a perfect kiss it was. It was slow and gentle, but long and just...perfect. I haven't been kissed like that in a long time, if ever.
There are people who kiss just to kiss, where the first kiss is rushed in order to get to making out. While it's fun, it lacks the emotion that creates a real connection between two people. Then there are people like Kirk who kiss to express something. He kissed me like I was a woman, something to be woo'd and drawn in. Something delicate and precious. I swear, I saw fireworks.
Kirk is something real. He's genuine and handsome and kind. He's funny and mellow. I think I'm really falling for him.
On our second date, our first after the semester ended, we went and got dinner in LA followed by ice cream. He's really easy to talk to and the more time I spend with him, the most I come to appreciate his humor and really gentle demeanor. Everything about him is adorable. I went home with this goofy grin on my face and it stuck around all day.
The third time we saw each other we went out to a movie. He picked me up and away we went. During the movie I kept waiting for him to hold my hand. We were both doing the sort of awkward my-hand-is-totally-available thing on our legs, but I've decided that this thing with the Cap'n? Yeah, he's taking the lead. I did not want to be the one to hold his hand first. I kind of fail at that, though, so I grabbed his hand during a tense moment in the movie (Batman, by the way. So good.) He gripped my hands with both of his and held it to his chest the rest of the movie. He rubbed his thumb over mine and it was so perfect. After the movie was over we spent the whole drive back to my place talking about the movie and what we liked about it. When we got back to my house, we sat on the couch for a bit and watched an episode of Parks and Rec (hilarious show. I love Amy Poehler.) When it was finally super late and time for Kirk to head home, he sat forward on the couch and looked back at me.
There are a split second when he was looking at me when my mind went crazy saying, "Is he going to do it? Is Kirk going to kiss me?" Then he glanced at my lips and started leaning in. I can't even explain the explosion in my head. It was something like, "AAHHH, He's going to kiss meeeee!!!!" And what a perfect kiss it was. It was slow and gentle, but long and just...perfect. I haven't been kissed like that in a long time, if ever.
There are people who kiss just to kiss, where the first kiss is rushed in order to get to making out. While it's fun, it lacks the emotion that creates a real connection between two people. Then there are people like Kirk who kiss to express something. He kissed me like I was a woman, something to be woo'd and drawn in. Something delicate and precious. I swear, I saw fireworks.
Kirk is something real. He's genuine and handsome and kind. He's funny and mellow. I think I'm really falling for him.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
End of the semester blues
There are great things about BYU-Idaho, but there are also downers. One big downer is the track system. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I love that I don't HAVE to be in Idaho in the Winter, but I hate that only half the people I know will be here next semester. I absolutely loathe clean checks and the fact that we have them the same time of finals. Who planned that? Why not have clean checks on the Monday and Tuesday following finals, giving us time to focus on our studies and then a whole weekend to clean and pack and prepare.
Why not? Because that's just too much time. We must have everything done by the Saturday after classes end otherwise we'll be charged up the wazoo. Thanks a lot, BYUI. I appreciate it.
Now that the semester has ended, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I mean, things with Cap'n (if you don't follow my twitter account, you should know that I've taken to calling Kirk 'Cap'n') went swimmingly at the end of the semester, but we didn't really get to see each other on account of schedules not lining up and moving out and such, which is a maaaajor bummer. But hey, he's from relatively close to where I'm from and we're both going home for the break.
We're planning on seeing each other. I can't believe this small glimmer of hope. Cap'n might be something genuine. In the meantime, I'm sick of cleaning, packing, moving, and unpacking. Oh, and driving. I'm sick of driving.
Happy seven week break, BYUI!
Why not? Because that's just too much time. We must have everything done by the Saturday after classes end otherwise we'll be charged up the wazoo. Thanks a lot, BYUI. I appreciate it.
Now that the semester has ended, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I mean, things with Cap'n (if you don't follow my twitter account, you should know that I've taken to calling Kirk 'Cap'n') went swimmingly at the end of the semester, but we didn't really get to see each other on account of schedules not lining up and moving out and such, which is a maaaajor bummer. But hey, he's from relatively close to where I'm from and we're both going home for the break.
We're planning on seeing each other. I can't believe this small glimmer of hope. Cap'n might be something genuine. In the meantime, I'm sick of cleaning, packing, moving, and unpacking. Oh, and driving. I'm sick of driving.
Happy seven week break, BYUI!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
What My Mother Taught Me
My mother is the best woman I know. Not only is she funny and intelligent, but she's also really superb at giving advice. I can remember many a time in my younger years when she would listen to me moan and groan about my love interest at the time, then she'd tell me what she thought I should do, and then she'd say, "Remember, Leslie, I'm always right." Crazy thing is, she IS always right! She must have been blessed with the gift of having a knack for being right because I can't think of a situation in which she was wrong.
One time when I was a teenager I was looking around in some boxes in the garage when I stumbled across a journal. I peeked it open and discovered that it was my mom's journal from her junior year in high school. Dude. My mother got around. One week she was dating the quarterback, the next week she was making out with a boy from her seminary class. She kind of reminds me of someone...
Anyway, I haven't talked to my mom much recently, which is a long story not for you to know, but I haven't been able to get her advice on anything I've been doing lately. Instead I've been talking to my sister about all these guys that have suddenly appeared in my life. My sister is pretty much a younger version of my mom, so her advice to me, albeit not always right like my mother's, is something I take to heart.
On Jake she said, "You can do better. He needs to go in the rejection pile."
After Aaron all but disappeared completely she said, "He didn't sound like a good fit anyway. He was just a fling, forget about him Leslie. You're better off without him."
About Kirk she's said, "A total keeper! I love it!"
So yeah, at this point, it's safe to say that I can rule out a couple options completely. I really hope this seven week break is eventful and not just a big, dateless stretch of time. Fingers crossed!
One time when I was a teenager I was looking around in some boxes in the garage when I stumbled across a journal. I peeked it open and discovered that it was my mom's journal from her junior year in high school. Dude. My mother got around. One week she was dating the quarterback, the next week she was making out with a boy from her seminary class. She kind of reminds me of someone...
Anyway, I haven't talked to my mom much recently, which is a long story not for you to know, but I haven't been able to get her advice on anything I've been doing lately. Instead I've been talking to my sister about all these guys that have suddenly appeared in my life. My sister is pretty much a younger version of my mom, so her advice to me, albeit not always right like my mother's, is something I take to heart.
On Jake she said, "You can do better. He needs to go in the rejection pile."
After Aaron all but disappeared completely she said, "He didn't sound like a good fit anyway. He was just a fling, forget about him Leslie. You're better off without him."
About Kirk she's said, "A total keeper! I love it!"
So yeah, at this point, it's safe to say that I can rule out a couple options completely. I really hope this seven week break is eventful and not just a big, dateless stretch of time. Fingers crossed!