Wrapping up the Kirk story

I've already said it: I already knew what Kirk was going to decide.  The day leading up to hearing his answer I was in high spirits all day.  I found that to be rather surprising, considering I knew what lay ahead of me.  Maybe it was a defense mechanism, maybe I was just trying to get on with my life already.  Whatever it was, I was feeling good.  I said what I needed to and that was liberating.

When I told Kirk that he couldn't date me and date other girls, I felt empowered.  Not only was I sticking up for myself, but I was calling the shots.  Beka commented that sometimes you have to give an ultimatum in order to avoid being walked over and I agree 100%.  I don't think Kirk's intentions are to use and abuse me, I don't think he's doing this to be mean or to see what he can get away with.  He's the antithesis of douche bag.  I'm quiet certain he doesn't have a malicious, mean bone in his body.  He's just a confused man who needs more confirmation than other guys to know what he's doing is the right thing.  Despite how much I know about Kirk and the way he works and ticks, I know that I couldn't just stand aside and let him do what he needed while being completely okay with the situation.  So I told him what I need.

Kirk came over the other night and told me he'd thought and prayed about what I told him and he feels like he needs to date other girls.  I could tell that it was hurtful for him to realize that this was the end of the two of us, at least for now, and that he wanted me to back down and allow him to still see me.  I know that I can't allow it, even if it's just as friends.  I can't have that.  Together exclusively or not at all.  Being the one to stick to my guns on this decision, despite my heart screaming, "Give in!  Allow yourself to see him!  You know you want to!", was what made it easier for me to let him walk out that door.  I am the one in control here.

Despite all this empowerment, my heart is aching.  I want so badly to go to Kirk and beg him to change his mind.  I want him to hold me, to caress my hair, to hold my hand.  I want to send him texts or leave notes on his car.  I don't want to feel the way I feel right now.

I really just want Kirk right now.