Then I came to my senses

After Kirk left my apartment after telling me he thought we should stop being exclusive, I felt really pretty good about where things were.  I gave my sister a call to tell her what had happened, since she seems to be my go-to person these days, and she ranted and railed and made all sorts of nasty remarks about Kirk.  She made a lot of points that got me thinking, "Huh.  Maybe I made a mistake in telling him I'm okay with us being nonexclusive and dating other people.  Maybe I shouldn't allow him to continue to see me while he dates other girls."  

That night I went to bed really unsettled.  My mind was zooming around a million miles a minute and I laid in bed for hours, hoping my brain would just shut off and let me sleep.  Whatever sleep I that night wasn't good.  I spent most of the time tossing and turning, dreaming about awful fights with Kirk over whether or not his feelings for me were genuine.  As soon as I woke up I sent him a text telling him I needed to talk to him.  No response.

I sent another text, 3 hours later, saying I had a break between classes and I wanted to talk.  No response for almost two hours.  In his text he apologized for being so slow to text back and then asked what I was doing.  I told him where I was and asked if he could talk.  No response.

Half an hour later I texted again, telling him I had class soon, but I really wanted to talk to him before class so I could get something off my chest.  No response. 

Two hours later I sent yet another text telling him I really needed to talk to him, that I was getting frustrated, but I needed to talk to him that day because I couldn't take another sleepless night.  I told him my plans for the rest of the night and asked if he could make some time for me.  No response.

By this point I'm being driven mad by the fact that this is a guy who claims he still cares for me, but the day after breaking things off is utterly ignoring my pleas to talk.  Five hours after the last text, we had this conversation:

Leslie:  I get that you're busy, but I really would appreciate if you'd at least tell me you can't talk tonight.  Being ignored the day after you tell me you still care and are committed stings.

Kirk:  I'm so sorry.  I misplaced my phone today.  When are you available?  Is everything okay?  This sounds like a very serious talk.

Leslie:  I have some time in an hour.  And yes, it will be serious.

Kirk:  Did I do something wrong?

Leslie:  We'l talk later.

I. Was. Pissed.  Seriously?  It was about 14 hours after I initially texted him that he got around to a real response, acknowledging the fact that now it was my turn to want to talk about something.  I felt like an emotional time bomb all day, not just because of the Kirk thing (everything bad seems to be happening RIGHT NOW to me.  testing time?  I think so), and at this point, I was almost ready to just bursting into crying while yelling and throwing fists.  

By the time we got together, I was so anxious to just get it over with that I was nervous and my voice was unsteady from the very beginning.  I didn't actually cry, but I teared up.  Okay, maybe a few tears fell from my eyes.  As soon as that started, Kirk felt horrible and was saying, "Oh Leslie, are you crying?  Please don't cry!"  -If you ever want to evoke sympathy from a guy, start crying.  It tugs at their heartstrings.  He put his arm around me, which was awkward because I had my arms folded and was concentrating really hard on keeping my emotions in check but still telling him how I felt.  

I told Kirk that I don't want to date him if he's going to be dating other people.  I told him how unsettled about it I felt, how it didn't seem fair for us to be exclusive for months and then just not be exclusive, date other people, but still continue to see each other.  I told him how I'm coming up on a really hard couple of months and I can't deal with his wishy washiness.  I need someone who's committed to a relationship and will be there, not some guy that I really like, who claims to like me but maybe not enough to date just me, so he's going to date other girls to make sure.  That doesn't jive with me.  If he wants this time to see if he should be with other girls, he doesn't get the benefit of seeing me at the same time.  

It was hard for me to make this be the decision I was going to stick to.  I still really like Kirk and I know he likes me.  It was hard to deny myself the desire to still have those little bits of time with him, but I knew it would be better for both of us.  For me, it will reduce the stress of, "Is he on a date with a girl tonight?  Does he still like me?  Why aren't we datttiiiinnnggg!?" and all the over analyzing that would inevitably go hand in hand with the situation.  For him it will give him the opportunity to decipher between his feelings for me and how he feels about dating other girls without my presence there to mix everything up.  Also, it'll give him the opportunity to miss me.  I hope he misses me.  I hope things don't work out with his escapade to date other girls and experience that.  It may be weak of me to admit that, even after this, I still want to be with him, but I can't deny what I feel.  Kirk is wonderful and I'm still in serious like with him.  

I just realized what a tangent I got off on.  OKAY.  His reply.  Right.  

He wasn't expecting this.  He told me he felt bad that I felt this way, but he appreciated my honesty.  He assured me again and again that he still feels for me and he cares about how I feel and whether or not I'm happy.  He told me he'd have to have some time to think about what I'd said so he could process it, which I get having just come from that position.  We sat down and he rubbed my back and kissed my head.  I was feeling really awful, but he was being so tender, it made me kind of mad.  I mean, I loved it and I love that he took off his sweater and wrapped it around my shoulders, but at the same time it made it so hard to be telling him I didn't want to be with him.  He told me he'd take the rest of that night and the next morning to think it over and then we'd talk.

I hadn't really intended to give him an ultimatum, pick me or dating other girls, but that's how it ended up.  He was too nice about it, too understanding, not combative at all.  I felt like the bad guy.  Essentially I was wrecking things for both myself and for him.  He asked more than once, "So you don't want to see me at all?  We can't spend any time together?"  I tried my best to express that I want to see him and be with him, but not if he's going to be dating other girls.  I don't care if it's selfish, that's what I want.  

I left that conversation feeling relieved.  I slept soundly, if not heavily.  I knew already what his answer would be the next night, but I felt okay about everything.

Tomorrow night I'll post the final installment of this week's happenings.