What Happens In My Head

I get into these moments when I am so in my head I feel consumed by the things I'm thinking about.  If it's exciting, I feel euphoric, like I'm living in dream that couldn't possibly be real because things feel so perfect.  If it's sad, I feel grief rip through my body, I get a knot in my chest, right below my throat and I can't breathe because it's squeezing all the hope I have out.  If it's anger, I want to throw things, drive fast, and scream at the top of my lungs.  In these moments, good or bad, I feel as though I lose all control of what I do.

Lately I've been feeling like this a lot, mostly sadness and anger.  There's more to it than just Kirk, he's not the root of my anxiety and frustration, but he certainly adds to it.  Sometimes his inability to be a stable part of my life is all I need to just send me over the edge, into those moments of no control that I absolutely loathe.

I call myself a feminist.  I take pride in being able to hold my own, not rely on a man to make me happy.  I have supported myself through college and I have a plan for a successful career that I plan to pursue, regardless of whether or not I'm married by the time I graduate.  But finding myself at the mercy of Kirk's actions makes me feel weak and helpless.  It's kind of embarrassing that I, Leslie, am able to face all the horrors of life, yet this situation with Kirk is shaking me to the core.  I want to lean on him, I want him to be a man and step it up.  I'm feeling like a freaking damsel in distress, yet this hero is being a little bit wishy-washy.  I DON'T know how to handle this.

I need to keep a lid on it.  I need to find a way to cool my jets and allow what happens in my head to just pass without making me completely lose it.

This weekend Kirk came over for a little while and we watched a movie together.  I really wanted to snuggle up to him, but I restrained myself and kept my hands to myself.  However, when he left, we hugged goodbye in the doorway.  There was a moment during the hug when I went to let go and Kirk squeezed me tighter.  It was a long hug.  It was a lingering hug.  It was the kind of thing that made me think, "Maybe what I said during lunch the other day is sinking in.  Maybe he's really thinking about ending this break."  Then he didn't text me for two days and I have no idea what's going on again.  I think I just want something to happen now yet Kirk is a slow mover.

There was something in that hug that revived that spark of hope I have.  It's calmed the monster raging in my head and in my heart.

For now, I wait.  But not forever.