You Can't Force A Spark

Sam and I watched a movie on Saturday night.  He showed up on my doorstep with a blanket and immediately I knew he had snuggling in mind.  You don't go to watch a movie with someone and show off this big, soft blanket you have without ulterior motives. This was a guy with a plan.

After we got the movie (Pan's Labyrinth-one of my favorites.  He hadn't seen it before and wanted to watch it) started, we sat on the couch and sort of got cozy, but we weren't snuggling.  He sat extremely close to me, our arms touching, but I still wasn't really feeling like making a move or being too flirty.  Keep in mind this was the third time we had ever spent any time together.  I still hardly know this guy.  I'm in the mood to take things slow, date around, get to know a bunch of people before I start pursuing something with a specific guy.  Eventually I want a relationship, but I need to alter my approach and getting super cozy on a third hang out/date isn't what I have in mind.

One of my pet peeves is chatting during movies.  Sometimes it's okay, particularly if it's a social setting and it's more about the company than the movie, but when you have a movie like Pan's Labyrinth that is pretty serious and in another language, you might want to close your mouth and watch the freaking movie.  Instead of pay attention to one of my very favorite movies, Sam wanted to chat.  He wanted to poke me and then marvel that I'm not ticklish.  He wanted to tell me how ticklish he is, clearly inviting me to be all cute and flirty and start a tickle war.  If I wanted to have social hour, we would have picked a different movie.  Part of the way through the movie I nearly paused it and said, "Do you want to watch this movie or go home?  Because you're clearly not acting engaged at all"  It's the kind of movie I like to watch with friends and then discuss it afterwards.  Kind of hard to do that when they're not watching the movie...

Towards the end of the movie, after Sam had draped the blanket over both of us (awkwardly-only the very corner of it was covering my knees.  If you're going to share a blanket, share the freaking blanket) he made this super awkward move to find my hands, which was clasped in my lap under the blanket, to hold my hand.  I didn't know what to do so I just...let him hold my hand.  In retrospect I know this was a mistake, especially because the whole time I kept thinking, "Leslie, what are you doing?  This isn't what you want.  You feel neutral about this guy!"  But I let him.

And then I took it a step farther and I let him push me around and snuggle with me.  I felt awkward and out of place.  I wanted to say something, but I didn't want to crush this poor kid's hopes and dreams.  He'd put his arms around me and we'd talk and talk and he'd make comments like, "You are just so interesting!" then he'd hug me really tight and press his head against mine, "I like you so much!"  Uhhh....You've known me for less than two weeks.  I believe that's called infatuation.

At one point it got quiet and he said, "I shouldn't do anything stupid.  Or...well...unless that stupid thing wouldn't be stupid.  Should I?"  I told him, "Don't do anything stupid."  He repeated the statement "I shouldn't do anything stupid" a few more times.  I'm pretty sure he was insinuating that he wanted to kiss me and I absolutely wasn't going to let him do that.  I can't feed this guy any more encouragement.

After he left that night I felt really awful for not telling him I didn't want to hold hands or snuggle.  I felt like I lead him to thinking I want to date him and the more time I spend with him, the clearer it becomes that I don't want to be anything more than friends.  I talked to Aiden about it.  His advice was to "open your mouth, girl! You are too scared to speak your mind."  With Aiden's encouragement I ended up sending a text (I'm so ashamed I didn't have the guts to do this in person and had to resort to text) telling him that I think he's a great guy, but I'm not ready for anything more than friendship.

When it comes down to it, you can hit it off with someone, but not feel any spark.  If it isn't there, you can't force it, particularly if they try and force it to be there.  It simply isn't happening with Sam.  It would be convenient if I did have feelings for him, since he seems to ready to jump into a relationship with me, but I won't force it.  I won't pretend I feel something I don't.