Blind Date

Back when Tyson first left on his mission I ended up with an unexpected friendship with one of the other girls he left behind. He had previously dated her yet she was still in love with him and, consequently, I had some pretty bitter feelings for her. But she is such a nice person! There was no way I could dislike her without feeling terrible. Instead of harboring hatred for the girl, we became friends. We had sleepovers and talked all the time, and not just about Tyson.

She ended up getting married less than a year after Tyson left on his mission and now has two children. We don't talk much anymore, but we interact a bit through Facebook and Instagram. She's still super sweet and down to earth.

Last week she asked me if I would go on a blind date with her husband's coworker. I was kind of hesitant, especially since I was seeing Kirk, but I decided to say yes because Kirk hadn't said he wanted to date exclusively. So I went on a blind date.

I haven't been on a double date in a long time. There comes a time after high school when dating gets serious. Instead of following the For The Strength of Youth advice to date in groups and avoid single dating, the tables turn and single dating is the thing to do. You're able to focus better on the one person you're attempting to get to know and it encourages more serious relationship. So, having been on the single date train for quite some time, being on a double date was a little strange.

First of all, when you take a girl out on a blind date, don't you think you should try to get to know her? My date, Craig, didn't seem all that interested in getting to know me. I mean, he asked some basic questions, but he spent more time talking to my friend's husband than he did to me. That's okay, I was fine with catching up with my friend instead. Whatevs.

Secondly, he was kind of weird. He kept telling me about his mega nerdy job, major, and hobbies (Let it be known that I like nerdiness, but this guy was over the TOP nerdy with a little bit of arrogance as well). He seemed way uninterested in me and way into himself. Dude, just relax and let's be on a normal date.

Thirdly, the date lasted FOREVER. It was the weekend before the last week of school and I had homework up to my eyeballs to do. Was I home doing homework? No, I was out on a five hour date with a guy who, apparently, wanted to be on a date with the other dude with us. It took forever for the date to end. I was so bored by the end. When he finally dropped me off he walked me to the door, gave me the most awkward hug ever, and said, "So maybe I'll see you at gradfest?" Uh, yeah. See you there, Craig.

The next day my friend texted me asking what I thought of the date. She said, "Craig said he knows you're both graduating, but he developed a bit of crush on you ;)" Really? A crush on me? I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know me at all. Interesting.

Sorry, dude. You're not my type.

But hey, I went on a blind date!

Choose Happiness

I said I was going to wait until after finals to blog, but I can't wait. I have to tell this now.

Despite drowning in homework and graduation stuff, I think I'm in a better place mentally and spiritually than I have been in a while. Ever since Kirk stopped making an effort about a week and a half ago, I've felt a huge change. Well, not initially. As I mentioned previously I had a couple days where I felt that familiar sense of panic and desperation as I felt him slipping away. I had been so content previous to his reappearance and there I was feeling the same awful feelings I had already felt so many times because of him.

I put my foot down.

I wasn't going to feel defeated and alone. I wasn't going to feel desperate to get through to him. I wasn't going to give in. I took time for myself, I meditated, I read my scriptures, I threw my effort into friends and finals. I became happy.

Someone posted this on facebook recently:

Girls, when you are with someone, you deserve to ALWAYS feel secure, previous, and valuable. If that person does not make you feel that way, you deserve better. It is the man's job to pursue you, respect you, and make you feel loved. If they aren't dong that, why are you returning a favor that hasn't been dealt to you?

I've read things like this on pinterest who knows how many times, but reading this felt different. My head was clear and something about this just clicked with me. Kirk made me feel all those things when we were dating last summer, but he hasn't ever made me feel them since then. It's been a whole year since I met him and just a few months shy of when we first broke up. That's a lot of time spent feeling like I had to fight in order to get him to treat me right again.

Watching this as an outsider I can only imagine how frustrating it's been for you to see me returning to him when he clearly doesn't deserve it. Now I know I'm better off without him. Now I know there isn't any way we're going to return to the fairytale we started out with. I understand that. I understand myself a lot better. I can't really describe it, but I feel so happy and content with where I am in life and I know Kirk just detracts from that.

I saw him on campus today. We spoke briefly. He mostly wanted to shoot the breeze and talk about finals, graduation, and moving. I don't really want to talk to him about any of that. I gave him this look that said, "I gave you so many chances and all you ever did was disappoint me" and he apologized. "I dropped the ball again. I'm sorry. I just get so busy with school and focusing on not failing. I'm really sorry."

I told him he's unbelievable. I told him I don't understand how he can say he cares because people who care make an effort, they find time. Even if you're really busy, you find time to be with the person you care about. He's got some pretty big things to figure out before he can make it work with anyone. "I know I do. Maybe that's why I'm this age and still single." Maybe if you would grow up and commit to a real relationship you wouldn't be perpetually single, Kirk.

He told me he's free this weekend, if I have some time to spend with him. Nope, no time to spend on him anymore. I told him I don't want to. I don't have time for someone who can only see me when it's convenient for him, when he's not busy, when he's not stressed out. I need to be a priority for someone.

I don't really remember what happened at the end of the conversation, I just remember saying, "Well I fell in love with you and you broke my heart four times." Then I turned my back on him and walked out of the library.

In choosing between Kirk and happiness, I choose happiness.

Christina Rossetti Part 2

That lightning storm tonight was pretty rad. I went outside with Beth and a guy from our ward and we sat in the rain for over an hour watching it. It was outstanding.

This is my favorite of Rossetti's poems. I wrote a huge paper on it a few semesters ago. For me it speaks for the part of me that wants to stay unattached to others because I know there is risk in becoming involved. You can't be hurt by someone when you haven't made a real connection with them

Promises Like Pie-Crust
by Christina Rossetti


Promise me no promises,
So will I not promise you:
Keep we both our liberties,
Never false and never true:
Let us hold the die uncast,
Free to come as free to go:
For I cannot know your past,
And of mine what can you know?

You, so warm, may once have been
Warmer towards another one:
I, so cold, may once have seen
Sunlight, once have felt the sun:
Who shall show us if it was
Thus indeed in time of old?
Fades the image from the glass,
And the fortune is not told.

If you promised, you might grieve
For lost liberty again:
If I promised, I believe
I should fret to break the chain.
Let us be the friends we were,
Nothing more but nothing less:
Many thrive on frugal fare
Who would perish of excess.

Christina Rossetti Part 1

This week I am super busy with end of the semester homework so I may not have time to write about my date last weekend. So between doing homework and working on that new post I've decided to share with you some poems from one of my favorite poets: Christina Rossetti. She is amazing. She's a Victorian era poet and she's super spunky in her writing, which is one of the main reasons why I love her. Enjoy!

This first poem is one that makes me laugh out loud. I've found myself in this situation and I'm pretty sure I attempted to handle it somewhat this way. It's hard to let someone down!

Isn't kind of funny to realize that the types of dating trouble we have now have been around for hundreds of years? Some things never change.

"No, Thank you, John"

By Christina Rossetti

I never said I love you, John:

    Why will you tease me day by day,

And wax a weariness to think upon

    With always "do" and "pray"?

You know I never loved you, John;

    No fault of mine made me your toast:

Why will you haunt me with a face as wan

    As shows an hour-old ghost?

I dare say Meg or Moll would take

    Pity upon you, if you'd ask:

And pray don't remain single for my sake

    Who can't perform that task.

I have no heart? - Perhaps I have not;

    But then you're mad to take offence

That I don't give you what I have not got:

    Use your own common sense.

Let bygones be bygones:

    Don't call me false, who owed not to be true:

I'd rather answer "No" to fifty Johns

    Than answer "Yes" to you.

Let's mar our pleasant days no more,

    Song-birds of passage, days of youth:

Catch at today, forget the days before:

    I'll wink at your untruth.

Let us strike hands as hearty friends;

    No more, no less; and friendship's good:

Only don't keep in views ulterior ends,

    And points not understood

In open treaty. Rise above

    Quibbles and shuffling off and on:

Here's friendship for you if you like; but love,-

    No, thank you, John.

Off Topic: Relief Society

You guys, I've become the stereotypical Relief Society president.

This calling has been SO overwhelming and I've had all sorts of ups and downs and spiritual experiences that I never thought I would have. I don't even know where to begin... My relief society has a lot of girls who struggle with attendance. The first week of the semester we were missing only one girl and I was so excited to have girls who attended relief society. However, ever since then the numbers have steadily declined. Last week we had the presidency and three other girls. A few walked in late, but really? That's ridiculous. There are twenty seven girls and over half of them have missed more than half of the Sundays in relief society this semester. I've been distraught over it.

I've been on my knees praying about what to do, I've tried visits, I've tried callings, I've tried so much to get these girls to want to desire to come to relief society. My mind is constantly weighed down with the thought that these girls, my responsibility, aren't doing what they're supposed to be doing. The bishop and I have counseled multiple times over what to do to help them. I've cried over it. My heart yearns to help these girls gain stronger testimonies and stronger desire to better serve The Lord. Unfortunately there's only so much I can do. I feel defeated.

But you know what? I think I've made a breakthrough. 

I decided that I wanted to hold a relief society breakfast this coming week to encourage the girls to at least make it to an apartment in the morning with the incentive of food rather than going up to campus. I printed out cute invitations, put bows on each of them, and wrote individual notes to each girl in my relief society to invite them to come to this breakfast. I feel so relief society-y. It's kind of terrifying me that this is what I've become. I kind of understand the mindset behind it. Weird...

YOU GUYS. I just dropped off some of the invitations and the girls were so excited. So excited! Do you understand how happy this makes me? It may be the end of the semester, but I think I am finally getting through to some of these girls. I think I have a chance of getting more than half of the girls to relief society. 

I'm nearly in tears. 

I'm such a baby.

The Church is true.

"I Told You So"

Here you guys go. Here's the post where you all comment and say, "I told you so, Leslie!"

This on again off again thing with Kirk is exhausting. I have to admit, though, that Kirk has stepped it up and he's worked pretty hard to show me he wants this. At least that's what he did for a while.

I already told you that Kirk and I haven't spoken much over the past several days. We've been super busy, so things have died down. But you know what? If two people really care for each other, they make an effort even when they're busy. Amiright? It makes sense to me. Maybe I'm the type of person who loves fiercely and not everyone has the same type of intense love that I have. I'm an active lover whereas Kirk is a passive lover. I could go on forever justifying his behavior but ultimately I'm going to end up where I've already been three times before: Wanting more from him that he seems capable of giving. My soft heart continues to believe it could work between us, but I know better.

The other day I got tired of waiting on Kirk to snap out of his busy funk and realize he wants to see me. I got tired of stressing. I sent him a text saying, "Alright, dude. Ball is in your court. If you want us to happen, make us happen."

That's where we are right now. No word from him, no change, no nothing. Being busy is not a good enough reason for neglect. As much as my heart doesn't want to say this isn't going anywhere, I know it isn't. I did the stupid thing and I allowed Kirk a fourth chance (which we can all agree was a bad idea) and he's doing the same thing. It's hard to be surprised when I've seen this so many times already. My hopes were never too high this time, but for a while there he was surprising me. He was so close to having this end differently.

Maybe this is the disappointment Christ feels when we repent but keep returning to the sin. Always ready for forgive and welcome back, but constantly let down. If nothing else, this experience with Kirk has reinvigorated my desire to be truly repentant and to fully abandon sin. That's a pretty good result, right?

While I have left the ball in Kirk's court and I have pretty low expectations, I'm not going to dwell on it. For a little while there I was in a bit of a funk over this and I could feel that sense of panic and desperation creeping in, but I've shut it out. I've taken time for myself, I've been meditating (seriously, you should try meditation), and I'm throwing myself completely into finals and graduation. I'm going to move forward with more faith in God and more fervor to be a good, worthy woman.

Twelve more days days of college and then it's onto Provo adventures!

Laugh or Cry: Pick One

WARNING: In this post I talk about menstruating. It's a thing of nature. It happens. Get over it.

This past weekend has been a roller coaster. My mood swings have been UNbelievable. Is it all Kirk's fault? No. I mean, he factors in a little bit, but it's mostly a combination of stress and menstruation. I'm graduating in two weeks and I have so much stuff to do. When I really start thinking about all the writing I have to accomplish by next week I kind of want to roll over and die. Instead of actually doing anything I curl up on my bed and whine.

On top of all that stress, my insides want to rip me apart. Honestly, I think I have an alien inside me clawing it's way out my abdomen. It's also tugging on my heart strings, squeezing my tear ducts, and causing panic attacks. This alien? Yeah, not my friend.

Kirk has been mega busy for the past few days and as a result, we haven't talked much. It's probably a good thing, because when I haven't been in the fetal position on my bed or curled up in a chair, I've actually been working on all the homework I have. Slowly but surely I've been making progress, even though I still feel like my head is going to explode because of all the stress.

So...yesterday I had kind of a meltdown. I sent Kirk a text telling him how needy I felt and how I was kind of going a little stir crazy, even though I had seen him earlier that day at school and he had texted me about how incredible I looked ("as always"-his words). Several hours later I looked back on that text and I felt pretty embarrassed.

Now, I've never been completely sane when it comes to relationships, particularly with Kirk. I have a tendency to over think everything and to read into every little thing. I am a super needy person and it drives me crazy that I'm so needy. I've been working on that and for the most part I'm getting better at keeping it under control. However, when I'm menstruating I completely lose it. I can only describe it as an utter lack of control over my emotions. I'm happy as a clam one minute, then I'm laying in a heap on the floor crying over things that happened months ago. It's exhausting being so emotionally charged.

So yeah. I felt embarrassed. I said sorry, which I feel like I've done a lot with Kirk (and you're probably sick of it. Sorry, guys).  He assured me I have nothing to be sorry for and he's sorry he's been so busy. I haven't seen him since Friday, but that's for the best. I've been getting homework done. Here's hoping that stress and being a woman don't kill me.

I can't wait for the next two weeks to be over. BYU-Idaho, it's been real, but I'm tired of this homework shiz.

I cannot adequately express the truth behind this. SO TRUE.

What is really happening? This.

Here's how things have been between me and Kirk: the first time we got together I was cold. I made sure my body language was closed off. I hardly looked at him. I told him everything I was thinking about, all of the things that have me pause. I was finally able to be completely honest with him. Why? Because I didn't care what he had to say, I was going to stand up for myself, I wasn't going to get lost in all those mushy feelings that used to overtake me when I would see Kirk. 

I told Kirk that I would allow him another chance, even though he didn't deserve it, but I told him exactly what I needed from him. I told him what would fly and what wouldn't.  I told him I don't want to play games, I don't want to wait anymore, I'm over his sketchiness. He listened. He responded. He said he wanted to show me he cares. 

And then I went out of town. 

Do you know what has always happened when either Kirk or I left town? We'd fall apart. 

Do you know what happened when I left town? He texted me the entire weekend, practically nonstop. We had some really good conversations and it was nice to see him making an effort. And you know what? He hasn't stopped. 

I saw Kirk on Sunday when I got back in town. And by saw him, I mean we made out. Because, let's be honest, Kirk and I have always had a hard time not kissing each other. He's a FANTASTIC kisser. So...that happened. 

And again a couple days later. We spent the whole day talking and when we finally got together and started sucking face, Kirk had an asthma attack. I can't say that had ever happened to me before. We called it quits because he sounded like a broken squeaky toy his wheezing got so bad. 

Okay, so far we've got my chewing Kirk out, him making mega effort, us making out a couple times, and us talking all the time. 

Towards the end of the week I kind of wanted to clear the air between us and pick his brain a little. We went to the park to talk and I said to him, "I just want to see what you're thinking. I mean making out is really fun and I like doing that with you, but do you want to just keep doing this or do you want to develop this into something more?" 

Now you have to understand something about the way I've been approaching this thing with Kirk this time. I'm super emotionally wary. I know his deal, I know he's hurt me several times, I know this is kind of a stupid endeavor. I kind of have this attitude that nothing is going to happen and whatever does happen happens and has no potential. It's a little bit like the attitude I had when I was making out with Daniel. When I asked Kirk what he wanted, I wanted to maybe see if his attitude lined up with mine. 

His answer was this: "I want to keep doing these kinds of things. I mean, I like making out and I want to do that too, but I like talking to you and spending time with you." And then we talked about how he's going to be in Salt Lake and I'm going to be in Provo.  We talked about jobs and he told me things he was stressing about. Later that day he even told me a couple stories from the past that he hasn't ever told anyone else. It was kind of neat to see this side of him. 

I'm still cautious and I'm still emotionally wary, but I'm softening up a bit.

The End is Near

This semester is going to kill me.

Finals, cleaning, packing, graduating, moving? On top of all that I've got to enjoy the rest of my time with my friends in Rexburg and make time to see Kirk? Hahahaaa, YEAH RIGHT! I foresee a lot of sleepless nights in my future.

Kirk has been talking to me pretty much nonstop since I saw him last week. It's improvement from his previous behavior, but it still hasn't gotten me completely sold that we're going to date. He's still got a long way to go to prove to me he's worth it. It's kind of funny, but every time there's several hours of silence in our text messages I expect that to be it. For example, yesterday was the Fourth of July. I spent the day out with friends enjoying the glorious summer holiday and I didn't hear from Kirk at all. Not a peep the entire day. I was a little bummed, but I kept telling myself, "Well, this is it. This is when Kirk decides he's done and he's going to just stop."

That's the way things go. Not this time. I woke up this morning to a text from him apologizing for not texting yesterday and asking when I was available today. You guys, I can't explain how surprised I am every time those texts appear. I've gotten so used to Kirk falling off the face of the planet that I've come to expect it. It's keeping me surprised and impressed every time he doesn't fail.

It's terrible that I have these low expectations from him, but I can't help it. It's what I need to do in order to not lose myself over him this time. Yikes, it's exhausting.

In the meantime I'm enjoying summertime. A friend of mine wants to set me up on a blind date. I'm not sure I really want to go, but I probably will. The guy she wants to set me up with is a little strange, but it couldn't hurt to go on one date. I'm usually pretty open to a first date with anyone. We'll see what happens. It's slated to happen next weekend.

Three cheers for the end of the semester!

I've almost made it through college!

This song. THIS SONG. It's my jam.