"I Told You So"

Here you guys go. Here's the post where you all comment and say, "I told you so, Leslie!"

This on again off again thing with Kirk is exhausting. I have to admit, though, that Kirk has stepped it up and he's worked pretty hard to show me he wants this. At least that's what he did for a while.

I already told you that Kirk and I haven't spoken much over the past several days. We've been super busy, so things have died down. But you know what? If two people really care for each other, they make an effort even when they're busy. Amiright? It makes sense to me. Maybe I'm the type of person who loves fiercely and not everyone has the same type of intense love that I have. I'm an active lover whereas Kirk is a passive lover. I could go on forever justifying his behavior but ultimately I'm going to end up where I've already been three times before: Wanting more from him that he seems capable of giving. My soft heart continues to believe it could work between us, but I know better.

The other day I got tired of waiting on Kirk to snap out of his busy funk and realize he wants to see me. I got tired of stressing. I sent him a text saying, "Alright, dude. Ball is in your court. If you want us to happen, make us happen."

That's where we are right now. No word from him, no change, no nothing. Being busy is not a good enough reason for neglect. As much as my heart doesn't want to say this isn't going anywhere, I know it isn't. I did the stupid thing and I allowed Kirk a fourth chance (which we can all agree was a bad idea) and he's doing the same thing. It's hard to be surprised when I've seen this so many times already. My hopes were never too high this time, but for a while there he was surprising me. He was so close to having this end differently.

Maybe this is the disappointment Christ feels when we repent but keep returning to the sin. Always ready for forgive and welcome back, but constantly let down. If nothing else, this experience with Kirk has reinvigorated my desire to be truly repentant and to fully abandon sin. That's a pretty good result, right?

While I have left the ball in Kirk's court and I have pretty low expectations, I'm not going to dwell on it. For a little while there I was in a bit of a funk over this and I could feel that sense of panic and desperation creeping in, but I've shut it out. I've taken time for myself, I've been meditating (seriously, you should try meditation), and I'm throwing myself completely into finals and graduation. I'm going to move forward with more faith in God and more fervor to be a good, worthy woman.

Twelve more days days of college and then it's onto Provo adventures!