What is really happening? This.

Here's how things have been between me and Kirk: the first time we got together I was cold. I made sure my body language was closed off. I hardly looked at him. I told him everything I was thinking about, all of the things that have me pause. I was finally able to be completely honest with him. Why? Because I didn't care what he had to say, I was going to stand up for myself, I wasn't going to get lost in all those mushy feelings that used to overtake me when I would see Kirk. 

I told Kirk that I would allow him another chance, even though he didn't deserve it, but I told him exactly what I needed from him. I told him what would fly and what wouldn't.  I told him I don't want to play games, I don't want to wait anymore, I'm over his sketchiness. He listened. He responded. He said he wanted to show me he cares. 

And then I went out of town. 

Do you know what has always happened when either Kirk or I left town? We'd fall apart. 

Do you know what happened when I left town? He texted me the entire weekend, practically nonstop. We had some really good conversations and it was nice to see him making an effort. And you know what? He hasn't stopped. 

I saw Kirk on Sunday when I got back in town. And by saw him, I mean we made out. Because, let's be honest, Kirk and I have always had a hard time not kissing each other. He's a FANTASTIC kisser. So...that happened. 

And again a couple days later. We spent the whole day talking and when we finally got together and started sucking face, Kirk had an asthma attack. I can't say that had ever happened to me before. We called it quits because he sounded like a broken squeaky toy his wheezing got so bad. 

Okay, so far we've got my chewing Kirk out, him making mega effort, us making out a couple times, and us talking all the time. 

Towards the end of the week I kind of wanted to clear the air between us and pick his brain a little. We went to the park to talk and I said to him, "I just want to see what you're thinking. I mean making out is really fun and I like doing that with you, but do you want to just keep doing this or do you want to develop this into something more?" 

Now you have to understand something about the way I've been approaching this thing with Kirk this time. I'm super emotionally wary. I know his deal, I know he's hurt me several times, I know this is kind of a stupid endeavor. I kind of have this attitude that nothing is going to happen and whatever does happen happens and has no potential. It's a little bit like the attitude I had when I was making out with Daniel. When I asked Kirk what he wanted, I wanted to maybe see if his attitude lined up with mine. 

His answer was this: "I want to keep doing these kinds of things. I mean, I like making out and I want to do that too, but I like talking to you and spending time with you." And then we talked about how he's going to be in Salt Lake and I'm going to be in Provo.  We talked about jobs and he told me things he was stressing about. Later that day he even told me a couple stories from the past that he hasn't ever told anyone else. It was kind of neat to see this side of him. 

I'm still cautious and I'm still emotionally wary, but I'm softening up a bit.