Choose Happiness

I said I was going to wait until after finals to blog, but I can't wait. I have to tell this now.

Despite drowning in homework and graduation stuff, I think I'm in a better place mentally and spiritually than I have been in a while. Ever since Kirk stopped making an effort about a week and a half ago, I've felt a huge change. Well, not initially. As I mentioned previously I had a couple days where I felt that familiar sense of panic and desperation as I felt him slipping away. I had been so content previous to his reappearance and there I was feeling the same awful feelings I had already felt so many times because of him.

I put my foot down.

I wasn't going to feel defeated and alone. I wasn't going to feel desperate to get through to him. I wasn't going to give in. I took time for myself, I meditated, I read my scriptures, I threw my effort into friends and finals. I became happy.

Someone posted this on facebook recently:

Girls, when you are with someone, you deserve to ALWAYS feel secure, previous, and valuable. If that person does not make you feel that way, you deserve better. It is the man's job to pursue you, respect you, and make you feel loved. If they aren't dong that, why are you returning a favor that hasn't been dealt to you?

I've read things like this on pinterest who knows how many times, but reading this felt different. My head was clear and something about this just clicked with me. Kirk made me feel all those things when we were dating last summer, but he hasn't ever made me feel them since then. It's been a whole year since I met him and just a few months shy of when we first broke up. That's a lot of time spent feeling like I had to fight in order to get him to treat me right again.

Watching this as an outsider I can only imagine how frustrating it's been for you to see me returning to him when he clearly doesn't deserve it. Now I know I'm better off without him. Now I know there isn't any way we're going to return to the fairytale we started out with. I understand that. I understand myself a lot better. I can't really describe it, but I feel so happy and content with where I am in life and I know Kirk just detracts from that.

I saw him on campus today. We spoke briefly. He mostly wanted to shoot the breeze and talk about finals, graduation, and moving. I don't really want to talk to him about any of that. I gave him this look that said, "I gave you so many chances and all you ever did was disappoint me" and he apologized. "I dropped the ball again. I'm sorry. I just get so busy with school and focusing on not failing. I'm really sorry."

I told him he's unbelievable. I told him I don't understand how he can say he cares because people who care make an effort, they find time. Even if you're really busy, you find time to be with the person you care about. He's got some pretty big things to figure out before he can make it work with anyone. "I know I do. Maybe that's why I'm this age and still single." Maybe if you would grow up and commit to a real relationship you wouldn't be perpetually single, Kirk.

He told me he's free this weekend, if I have some time to spend with him. Nope, no time to spend on him anymore. I told him I don't want to. I don't have time for someone who can only see me when it's convenient for him, when he's not busy, when he's not stressed out. I need to be a priority for someone.

I don't really remember what happened at the end of the conversation, I just remember saying, "Well I fell in love with you and you broke my heart four times." Then I turned my back on him and walked out of the library.

In choosing between Kirk and happiness, I choose happiness.