Crazy Stupid Love

Let me preface this post by saying if you are going to criticize me and call me an idiot, maybe you should stop reading my blog.

I realize I'm a frustrating person to follow, probably because I'm a follow-your-heart-without-thinking type of person. But guess what? This is my blog. This isn't fiction. These stories come from my life. Yeah, I make a lot of stupid decisions, but there are some things that this blog can't adequately portray. I don't know how to make you understand the way my heart and my head clash, yet work together. I write things in a way that get  the events across and keep my voice in the writing, but I don't put everything on here. You aren't completely inside my head.

I'm sure most of you have an ex you still think about. That one previous love that has a hold on you that you can't quite explain. Yeah, they suck. Yeah, you're no longer together. Yeah, you know you're better off without them. All the same, you still miss them. Guess what? LOVE MAKES PEOPLE STUPID.

You know where this is going, right? You know this is leading back to Kirk. I know, I know. Cue the groans. You're all ready to grab torches and pitch forks and go hunt Kirk the Monster down. I get you. You're an outside party witnessing me returning time and time again to the same disaster, and you're really upset. I get that. Y'all have my back and that's great. I really appreciate that you're concerned and that you all hate Kirk.

Maybe I am an idiot. Maybe I'm in love. Maybe I'm too forgiving. Maybe I'm easily manipulated. Maybe maybe maybe. What I do know is that I'm a sucker. I KNOW. You think I drive you crazy?  have to live with myself. I drive myself crazy. All the time.

OKAY. So Kirk. WTF happened there?
I saw him on campus last weekend. He smiled and waved while I returned a look that clearly said, "DA FUH?" We were headed in different directions and he was in a hurry, so we didn't talk. But still, smile and wave? I'm pretty sure that's only okay if we're on good terms. Last time I checked he left me hanging. Again. I was irritated for a short while, but I let it go pretty quickly. I mean, come on. Why should I waste any more time thinking about Kirk? No reason. I decided before that night that I wasn't going to let him get in the way of my happiness. I pushed that encounter with him aside and set out to have a great weekend. And I did! It was fantastic. Moving on from Kirk.

HA! That lasted a whole whopping two days. Kirk just doesn't go away. He doesn't give up. Leaving it be and not worrying about it just isn't how Kirk and I work. No, Kirk texted me two days later asking to see me. I was super irritated, as you can guess, because going through this cycle with Kirk is exhausting. We made some tentative plans, but low and behold, Kirk never followed through. He explained later what had happened and that he still wanted to see me that day. Did that happen? Of course not. That would be way out of character for him.

The next day he asked to see me again. At this point I was so fed up with his flakiness and his lack of communication. Seriously? You're going to try AGAIN? I was kind of pissed. Yet, despite my expectations being at an all time low, I responded with this: "If you want to see me, it has to be today. I'm tired of being stood up."

Kirk didn't directly acknowledge what I said, but we made plans to see each other that night. He never confirmed the time, though, so I anticipated not seeing him. His MO is to make plans and then fall off the face of the planet, so you can imagine how surprised I was when I came home from a meeting to find Kirk in my living room.

To be continued...

Changes

There's something happening to the dynamics of young men and women within the church. Now that the age limit has been changed for young women going on missions, the stigma that used to be attached to the title of "sister missionary" has been demolished. Girls are choosing to go on missions rather than stay in school or find a husband. You guys, this is huge. This changes everything.

Women

What does this change mean for you? 

Like I previously said, the age change has destroyed the stigma of women going on missions. No longer are sister missionaries looked upon as having chosen to go because they couldn't get married or are "sweet spirits". Don't tell me you haven't heard those stereo types. Before the age change, a girl going on a mission wasn't really all that awesome. I mean, it was awesome, it just wasn't seen in a particularly great light. Know what I mean?

Now young women are choosing to put off school and marriage for missions. Instead of having a bunch of 20 year old young women waiting for their boyfriends, we have 21 year old young men waiting for their girlfriends. The tables are turning. Instead of being scoffed at, sister missionaries are being respected. Last Fall, not even a full semester after the announcement, there were over fifty girls in my stake alone that had submitted their mission papers. Within three weeks after the announcement thirteen girls from my ward had made appointments with the bishop to start their papers. THIS is awesome. THIS is a game changer.

Men
What does this mean for you?

The bar has been raised. Again. More RM sisters means more encouragement for young men to go on missions and come back even better men. The women you men will marry will have greater fervor for the gospel, which will require you to become spiritual giants. Together you and your future wife will raise children who will be stronger in the gospel.

Rise to the challenge, men. Be better, be stronger, be worthy of these women.

Are you guys as excited as I am about this? This is a big deal. This is essential to preparing the world for the second coming. I'm stoked.

I Cannot Be Beat

Most of you haven't agreed with how I've handled Kirk lately. I'm not doing this for you (clearly), I'm doing this for me. You know what else I've done for me? I've walked away.

At the beginning of the week Kirk told me he wanted to see me. He said, "I really want to go on a drive or a walk or something with you tomorrow. I want to see you." With something like that, I anticipated that yes, I would see him the next day. Unfortunately, homework had different plans for us. Kirk's phone died and he ended up staying on campus until nearly midnight doing homework. I stayed at home writing a paper that was due the next day. It all worked out.

But did it really? Kirk's phone died, but he didn't take the initiative to call or text when he got home to tell me sorry for bailing. He didn't try to reschedule.  For someone who has already had two chances, this is not the way to go about a third chance. I called him out on it the next morning and he apologized profusely. And that was it.

I haven't heard from Kirk since then. I'm okay with it. I'd rather him show his true colors at the beginning rather than string me along for weeks, making me think he was going to put forth the effort. I've had several experiences in the past few months that have strengthened my spirit and have helped me become more resilient. This isn't something that is going to destroy me. I'm not going to be sent into depression over Kirk again.

I haven't been beat. My ability to love and forgive and to give second and third chances is not a weakness. I don't regret giving him another chance. Nothing you can say is going to change that. Yes, Kirk has some serious flaws. It's too bad. We could have been great. I hope he can work them out and find someone to be happy with, it just won't be me.

Cheers to moving forward to a better tomorrow!

I didn't love this movie, but I like this quote

One Toe at a Time

This whole thing with Kirk is throwing me off. I was just cruising through my last semester of college, finally accepting that I'm not going to get married to someone I meet at BYUI (Which, by the way, I recognize I once said was the reason I am at BYUI, but I haven't felt that in a long time. I used to think I'd meet someone and we'd date and fall in love and get married and it would be great! But then life happened and I realized that was a silly mindset. I'm so embarrassed that I posted that.) and enjoying the warm weather when, out of freaking nowhere, Kirk popped up again. Seriously, that has thrown me off.

He and I were talking on the phone the other night and I kept saying, "You're going to have to work so hard. This is crazy. So many people think I shouldn't give you another chance. Kirk, this is going to be so hard." I was having a bit of a "WTF AM I DOING" moment. He needs to understand that I'm not going all goo-goo eyed over him like last time. I am so freaking hesitant, it's a little bit ridiculous. Part of my head is screaming, "If you're this nervous, why are you even entertaining the idea?" while the other part of my head (okay, it's more so my heart) is screaming, "You are strong enough to test this out! You have grown up since February. Allow him one more chance, just keep a hold of yourself this time." It's completely illogical to allow Kirk to have another chance. I get it, I see the stupidity behind this decision. I think that's why I keep raking him over the coals, making him understand how hesitant I am about this. Sometimes I think I'm being too harsh with him, but he kind of deserves it. He can't have decided to go for another shot at us expecting me to just allow him to walk in without any difficulty. He knows I'm not jumping into this feet first this time. Instead I'm very cautiously dipping one toe in. Slowly, right? That's the key.

I have a soft heart. I forgive too easily. I choose to see the good in people. Sometimes it's a strength, sometimes it's a weakness. In this case, I can see that Kirk has potential, but he has some major flaws that might still rule his actions.

I know what I deserve. I know I deserve better than how he's treated me in the past. I know I deserve someone who loves me and cares for me. If he can't step up to the plate, I'm not sticking around.

Time will tell. I'm not going to rush it.

Don't hate me.

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Kirk texted me until 3 in the morning the other night.

I took that opportunity to tell him about several things that had bothered me about our relationship and his behavior. He said, "I am realizing now that there are a lot of things that I could have done better." No shiz, Sherlock. You're only just realizing this? I told him how I had wanted to bring these issues up earlier, but I never felt comfortable enough. I almost felt too intimidated, but now I don't feel that way. I feel as though I don't have to be subject to this intense desire to please him and keep him, so I can speak my mind. Kirk's response? "That makes me feel bad. I had no idea. When I think of intimidation, I think of a kind of fear." Yes, Kirk, I was afraid. I was afraid I would drive you away by saying what I felt was wrong with the way you treated me. That alone should have told me that the relationship wouldn't work. No one should ever have to feel that way.

After all the talking and dishing out issues, Kirk felt terrible about how he treated me and he offered to be there for me if I needed anything. He told me that if I needed anyone to talk to about anything, he would be there. I replied, "Thank you, but I have people to talk to. I'm glad we've talked, but I don't think we can really be friends."

Looking back on my response, I think that pretty much proves that talking to Kirk this time wasn't detrimental to my state of mind. I wasn't grovelling at his feet, begging for him to take me back. I stood up for myself and shut him down. We can't ever be friends. I can't ever trust Kirk the way I trust my friends. It just won't work.

For the most part I feel great that I was finally able to tell him "No, thanks." However, there was a part of me that didn't want to end it there. Here's what happened next:

"I completely understand. I wish you all the best! You are going to do great things."
"It's kind of funny, I've run out of things to say and I know we ought not continue talking, particularly after what was just said, but part of me doesn't want it to end."
"I want to respect your feelings but I feel the same way."
"You tell me what you want. Interpret that how you want and then answer accordingly"
"I want to spend time  with just you and watch you smile."
"Why?"
"Because I like spending time with you."
"You'd have to convince me that this is a good idea."
"It will be just like old times and you have to admit that we did have fun together."
"We might have had fun, but we still don't have a good track record."
"I think we should look to the future but that's just me. Are you saying you don't want to spend time with me?"
"I'm saying you broke my heart and I don't want to experience that again."
"It won't happen again."
"That's what you said last time. You asked for a second chance and you blew it."
"I don't know what else to say. You want me to beg for it? lol"
"I'm just being honest. I'm putting all my hesitations out there in the open."

Am I falling for Kirk? NO. Do I think it will work? NO. Do I think he's changed? NO. Am I still giving him a chance? Maybe... We haven't talked much over the past couple of days. We talked more after that conversation, much of which was him trying to convince me that it would be worth it to give him another shot. He said he doesn't know what to say to calm my fears, but there really isn't anything he can say. If he really wants to date me he is going to have to beg and beg and beg. He'll have to do so much.

This is a terrible idea.

I Said I Wouldn't...

I received an unexpected text message this weekend. From Kirk.

I know what you're thinking, "Don't do it, Leslie! Don't talk to him! Didn't you just talk about how much of a douche bag Kirk is? DO NOT DO IT." And you're right; I shouldn't give him the time of day. He has done nothing to show me that he deserves any attention from me. When he first texted me, I was furious. It was a accident, meant for a different Leslie in one of his classes, but this is the second time this semester he has done this. Last time I told him to not text me ever again. Clearly he didn't delete my phone number.

Kirk's timing couldn't be any worse. This past week or so I've spent a lot of time in my head revisiting my relationship with him. I feel as though I've kept it under control, but part of me gets really sad when I think about him too much. We had the start to a really great relationship, but nothing really came together after that. Our individual cadences never fell in sync, even though we knew we had a lot of potential to be great together. The part of me that gets sad sometimes feels like I might have missed my opportunity. I know this isn't true. Happiness isn't miserable and that's how Kirk made me feel. However, that's just part of the irrational crazy that comes with being a girl. Sometimes I miss Kirk, OKAY? It happens.

BUT, here's the important part, the thing that makes it most exhausting to revisit mine and Kirk's relationship is that I've been carrying around a lot of resentment and bitterness. I'm bitter that Kirk used me. I'm bitter that we started out like a fairytale and then fell apart. I'm bitter that I'm alone. I resent him because I was never able to tell him all of the things that he did that bothered me. These are the things that make thinking about Kirk so heavy. All that great build up just for me to end up bitter, resentful, and alone. I'm tired of feeling this way.

This tired feeling caused me to go beyond telling Kirk to delete my number and leave me alone. No, instead it lead me to tell him I'm sorry for the way everything happened. I know, I know. You're going to tell me that I have nothing to be sorry for, which is fairly true. I'm not sorry for Kirk, really, but more so sorry for myself. I didn't really tell him that "I'm sorry for how everything happened because I'm sorry for myself, Kirk." No, I told him just that I'm sorry for the way everything happened.

YOU GUYS. I'm TIRED of this.

When I started talking to Kirk, I knew I was playing with fire. However, I feel as though the fire that was previously burning in my heart for him wasn't there. I knew there would be a chance that he would ask for another chance. I knew there would be a chance I would lose my head. I knew there were all these risks but I didn't care. I wanted to talk to Kirk because I wanted to stop feeling the way I've been feeling. I wanted to tell him the things that had bothered me about our relationship that I never had the nerve to say because I was too afraid of losing him. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you can't lose someone you don't have and I don't have Kirk.

We talked and it felt great. I felt relieved that I was able to finally be honest and tell him all these things that I've been carrying around.

There's more to it and I'll get around to blogging about it, but for now, know that I feel good about what Kirk and I talked about.

Meet Cute

Everyone wants a relationship that happens organically. But what does that even mean, Organically? I've been thinking about this for a few days and this is what I've come up with. . .

There's this thing in the movies called a Meet Cute, which serves the purpose of introducing the boy and girl quickly and efficiently. It happens organically. They bump into each other, someone spills their coffee on the other, they meet at a job interview. Something cliche yet not something that could have been planned. It's as though the universe, fate, chance, whatever you want to call it, puts the two people together where they experience a serendipitous moment.



This is a bad example of a Meet Cute because Kelly planned it. This isn't organic.

Basically what you're looking for is a fairytale situation. It's that moment when Rapunzel smacks Flynn Rider in the face with a frying pan. And then they fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. In these organic situations the people involved aren't manipulating in any way, the events just happen. I'm sure genuine Meet Cutes can happen, but are they likely? I don't think so.

Typically there is some level of manipulation involved in developing a relationship. Don't be fooled by the negative connotation of the word 'manipulation' because it's not always negative and I don't mean it negatively. I'm talking about manipulation in the form of flirting and planning. For example, if there's a guy in your ward you're into and you want him to take notice of you, you might make sure you attend the same gospel doctrine class. You might approach mutual friends when they're talking to him and flash him a smile. If you're into the girl that works the crepe station at the Crossroads, maybe you only get crepes on the days when you see she's working. That's manipulation, that's not really organic. I guess an organic relationship, in my opinion, happens because of something spontaneous. This isn't the only way a successful relationship can happen, but I think it's the kind of thing a lot of us dream about. We all want to live a fairytale romance.

Sometimes I think it would be so romantic and amazing if I had one of these outstanding Meet Cute moments and everything worked out for us, but I don't think it will happen. People are generally cautious and shy, I'm no exception. If some handsome guy holds a door open for me I smile and tell him thanks, continuing on my way. If I drop and pen and someone picks it up, we smile and go on our way. Even meeting a guy in my class doesn't ever go anywhere because I'm too shy to do anything and who knows what's going on in his head. Last semester I was sitting in the library and this guy sitting diagonally from me kept glancing over and making eye contact with me. He jumped into the conversation I was having with a friend a couple times and kept smiling. Before leaving I decided to go out on a limb and tell him his eyes were gorgeous, which they were. Nothing happened, despite all of the lingering glances and the funny comments. What a shame.

Maybe if we put ourselves out there more and try to not fear rejection so much, more organic Meet Cutes will occur.

Summer Sunshine

I've been at the park a lot lately. I've been on walks, long boarding, reading in the sunshine, and playing games with friends. Anything I can do outside, I want to do it. This is what spring semester should be like. I've got my fingers crossed that the weather stays nice because I am ready to enjoy the lovely state of Idaho. Seriously, this is the best time to be at BYU-Idaho. It's not freezing cold and all the outdoor activities are so much fun. 

Part of what makes summertime so much fun is the people you choose to spend it with. I have great friends. Bethany is the perfect roommate for me. She's funny and nerdy and she's into all the things I'm into. We're studying the same thing and, consequently, talk about the same people and professors. We like to go do the same kinds of things, we like to watch the same kinds of movies and shows. It's awesome. Find yourself a Bethany to room with.

We spend some time with some guys in our ward, but we spend even more time with Scott and his apartment. We've known those guys since last Summer and they're hilarious. The more time we spend with them, the more I realize how lucky we are to have found some really chill guy friends. Too many girls and guys up here are too caught up in the dating scene to find a solid group of friends. Bethany and I? We have that. It's awesome. 

Enjoy the sunshine, my friends. Get outside and soak it in. Spend time with people you care about. Have a summer romance! 

Hasty Generalizations

There have been a few objections to Scott's post, claiming that he made "hasty generalizations" and that girls ought not be judged that way.

First of all, it was an opinion piece written by Scott based on his own experiences. I understand the fallacy and that his post doesn't apply to all girls, but come on. Have you met girls at this school? We're freaking crazy. We definitely over think things and jump to conclusions. Don't think that girl just judged your level of dateablity because you only just met her? THINK AGAIN! She probably won't admit it, but she judged you. Girls at BYU-Idaho always have dating on the brain because we have been trained to think that way. It's a subconscious thing we all do. We all have our own personal dateability scale that we measure each guy against. I mean, come on, it's human nature to meet someone of the opposite sex and judge them on whether or not they'd make a good mate. AmIright? I think I'm right.

Secondly, what's with the attacks on Scott? I'm fairly certain I've made some pretty outrageous claims regarding the behavior of both men and women, yet I'm not being called out. It's good to get some criticism, but I think it's a little unfair to jump on the guest blogger and leave me unscathed. It just doesn't make sense to me why that post caused such an uproar, especially when you people don't comment regularly.

Thirdly, GIRLS ARE CRAZY. Girls at BYU-Idaho are especially crazy. It's the culture here. Not only are we already part of the marry-young-and-start-a-family Mormon culture, but it's additionally the BYU-I do culture. We are practically suffocating with pressure to date and get married. How can girls up here not judge a guys dating potential upon first meeting him? So not only are girls crazy, but we have all these cultural things reinforcing our crazy. Awesome.

Story time. It doesn't really have a lot of relevance to this post, but it's a funny story and it goes to show that girls are INSANE.

A few semesters ago I made an accidental friend. Let's call her Megan. Megan is a special kind of girl who, quite frankly, terrifies me. She legitimately terrifies me. She's heavy. She's loud. She's obnoxious. She's not afraid to jump into your life. Seriously, out of nowhere Megan started coming over to my apartment, telling me all the dark stories of her spotty past, crying her eyes, asking for advice. To the day I don't know what I did that made Megan feel like it would be cool if she invaded my life with her drama.

Megan had all the guys in the ward terrified of her. She would stop by their apartments unannounced, invite herself in, and then never leave. She'd stand in the door way, laughing and joking (not funny, ever), slowly inching her way farther into the apartment, boys cowering in the corners. Megan and I were BFFs, at least that's what she told everyone. I didn't really want her crazy as part of my life, but I've been cursed with a soft heart and the inability to get rid of toxic friends. That's how I became friends with Megan, the craziest, most unstable person I've ever met. One day she'd be happy and bubbly and excited for life, the next she would be crying hysterically, telling me she didn't know if she believed in the church or if life was worth it. Yeah, she terrified me.

There was a guy in our ward who Megan was crushing on hard. She told everyone they were dating. She bombarded him with texts all the time. He would try and stop her advances, going so far as to lock the door, turn off the lights, and close the blinds every time she came around. Megan had this guy too scared to leave his apartment because she would literally wait outside for him so they could talk about their "relationship." She told me all about how they were talking about getting married. She told me the names they had picked out for their kids. None of it was true, it was all in her head. But she believed it. Eventually she dropped out of school and moved home, which I admit was a huge relief because I was drained.

But you know what? There are other girls out there who do this. Megan isn't the only one to be this delusional and crazy. There are girls who latch onto guys and refuse to accept reality. There are girls who believe that every single guy wants to marry them.

It's terrifying.

Watch your back.